Aidan hands shook with fear and anger that would not pass even in view of such a majestic sun fading from the evening sky. The sight of their camp still smoldering in the twilight stole any hope of peace this night. What in hell was he supposed to do?

Aidan felt a hand touch his shoulder. “Come, brother,” whispered Naris, “we must move.”

Allow me to nitpick:

"Aidan stopped to look up at the fading sky and inhaled deeply."

This opening sentance tells us one thing: His(her?) name is Aidan. Ok, it tells us more than one thing. We now know that the sky is fading and that he is inhaling. Why is the sky fading? Why is he inhaling? How do you pronounce Aidan? It is normally the goal of the opening sentance to ask great, sweeping questions. These questions aren't very sweeping.

"The wind had shifted the smoke to the south finally giving him a taste of fresh air, but just as the haze lingered around him, so did the stench of death."

You should have a comma after finally. More importantly, you have him breathe fresh air and then tell us it isn't fresh. If the air has the stench of death, then he wouldn't consider it to be fresh air. If you are trying to sell your story as being from his perspective, then you need to let the descriptions be as he would feel them. He can't be grateful for fresh air and mad that it has a stench.

"The treeline here thinned out near the forest’s edge where tall, brown grass flowed and swirled with the winds on the plains. A flock of greywings broke from the stalks ahead flying up into the sky, circling and coming to rest again farther south."

There seems to be an overly strong attempt to describe the landscape so "flowerifously" (my made up word for the day). As I'm just trying to get into this story, I get bogged down with that kind of prose. It gets in the way of me arriving at the action/meeting the characters. Additionally, you had the smoke blow to the south and now you had the birds follow the smoke. Is there a reason for this or is it oversight?

"The others would be out there somewhere, hiding in the grass as confused and afraid as he felt now."

Would be? It seems that he should know whether they are or aren't. Maybe you could say "the others were out there somewhere" or something similar. Also you are referring to how the others are feeling in the present tense, so your "now" at the end of the sentance is redundant and somewhat uncomfortable.

"Dusk was drawing darkness over the valley bringing the chirping and clicking of night’s creatures to a new crescendo. Soon night would come, cloaking them from any watching eyes."

There should be a comma after valley. Dusk was bringing the creatures to a new crescendo? Does this mean they had an old one? Are they night's creatures or dusk's creatures if they are crescendoing again? If they crescendoed did they wane? Is the word "crescendo" Aidan's word or are you trying to make him speak in a way that he would not naturally speak? You say "cloaking them" but I'm not sure if you mean night's (dusks?) creatures or "the others" that you mentioned earlier.

"Aidan hands shook with fear and anger that would not pass even in view of such a majestic sun fading from the evening sky"

It should be "Aidan's hands". There should be a comma after pass. Is it the sun fading or the sky fading? Oh yeah, and what is this sentance really trying to tell us? I had to read it several times before I could make good sense of it. Would Aidan really call the sun majestic (maybe so if he would call night's creatures' noises a crescendo)? Does he think that a majestic sunset should quell fear and anger?

"The sight of their camp still smoldering in the twilight stole any hope of peace this night."

From dictionary.com: "Twilight: The time of the day when the sun is just below the horizon, especially the period between sunset and dark." If he is watching the majestic sun set, how can it be twilight? Also, allow Aidan to take responsibility for his own feelings. The sight of the camp doesn't steal his peace. The expectations and anticipation that he is experiencing are threatening his peace.

"What in hell was he supposed to do?"

At last the first real peek inside his head. To me this is the first honest moment in the narrative. I am troubled, however, by the phrase "what in hell." It doesn't feel right to me. I usually hear "what the hell."

"Aidan felt a hand touch his shoulder. “Come, brother,” whispered Naris, “we must move.”"

By far the best line yet. Great exposition here and a very economical means of conveying a lot of information in just one line. I want to see this (or something very much like it) be your opening line. Here I get the main character's name as well as another character (obviously his brother either by birth or by clan), I feel their relationship, and most importantly, I get a sense of action and purpose. Here I start asking the important questions that are the kind needed to found a story. Why do they need to move? Why was the hand on the shoulder the first indication that Aidan had of someone's presence? What situation is he(she?) in that would distract him(her?) so? Why is Naris whispering? How do you pronounce Naris?

"He looked back at his companions, who watched him, waiting."

6 lines ago, he was supposing that the others where "out there somewhere," and now here they are watching him. Or are these others other others?

"Who was he to lead these people? What right did he have?"

Again, good introspection and honest emotion. Expound on this more.

Overall, thanks to the last few lines, I found myself getting into the story and wanting to know more, but only after wading through a very muddy beginning which was nearly fatal for your story. Get rid of the first paragraph or give it a serious makeover and you will have something very interesting.

Just keep in mind this little gem of truth: Never use a 20 dollar word unless you have a 20 dollar idea to back it up. Don't tell me that the crickets were in a crescendo, that the sun was majestic, that the greywings broke from the stalks unless there is a reason for such prose. You thinking it makes you sound like a smarter/more artistic author is not a good enough reason.

I can say all these things because I think that many of the problems that you suffer in your writing are the same ones which plague mine.

I hope that this gives you some good direction, and I hope that you don't take this too harshly. I mean not to discourage, but to be honest.

<Aidan's hands shook with fear and anger that would not pass even in view of the majestic sun fading from the evening sky. The wind had shifted the smoke to the south, finally giving him a taste of fresh air, but just as the haze lingered around him, so did the stench of death. The sight of their camp still smoldering in the twilight stole any hope of peace this night. What in hell was he supposed to do?

The treeline here thinned out near the forest’s edge where tall, brown grass flowed and swirled with the winds on the plains. A flock of greywings broke from the stalks ahead flying up into the sky, circling and coming to rest again farther south. The others would be out there somewhere, hiding in the grass as confused and afraid as he felt now. Dusk was drawing darkness over the valley, bringing the chirping and clicking of night’s creatures to a new crescendo. Soon night would come, cloaking them from any watching eyes.

Aidan felt a hand touch his shoulder. “Come, brother,” whispered Naris, “we must move.”

He looked back at his companions, who watched him, waiting. Who was he to lead these people? What right did he have?>

Now, if the haze is from something other than the smoke, it is not clear enough that this is so.

I'm interested in the premise you're setting up here, but keep working at the opening. Try writing it in as many ways as possible, even from as many viewpoints as possible--even the enemy's.

Branden has defined the shape of this discussion, I'll itemize.

"Aiden" is fine, it isn't insanely hard to figure out a reasonable pronounciation. Aye-den leaps to mind. A-yi-den isn't so different that the person who reads it that way will be unable to understand the person who reads it Aye-den. "Fading sky" is a standard term for the onset of dusk.

More importantly, the line immediately establishes the POV, and gives us the beginning of a setting, outside, under a fading sky (sorry, I meant near dusk).

The next line fills in some important plot details. We are outside near something that has burned (assumption, a village), and people have died there. We are told that there is a "taste" of fresh air, but not all the air is fresh, some of it smells of death.

As you go on about the setting, you do make a critical error that Braden doesn't address (because he's quite busy with other things). You aren't describing the setting in terms of how it relates to the major elements already introduced. They (presumably the group including Aiden--technically this usage is an unreferanced pronoun because you haven't mentioned anyone other than Aiden) are at the edge of the forest. Is the village in the forest, or outside? Are the greywings originally to the north of them, and then move south (closer to them) or are Aiden and his party heading south? In which direction is the village, and the forest?

Your problem here isn't that you've gone overboard on description, the problem is that in trying to cut the description down too far you've gutted it of meaning. You need to be clear on who is with Aiden before you refer to them as "they". You need to be clear on where the village, forest, and greybirds all are with respect to each other and to Aiden before you can start using directions and have us make any sense of them.

"The treeline here [at] the forest’s edge [thinned out] where tall, brown grass flowed and swirled with the winds on the plains [referance location of village]. A flock of greywings broke from the stalks ahead [which direction is "ahead"? away from the village or towards it? into the forest or towards the plain? North or South?] flying up into the sky, circling and coming to rest again farther south."

Just as bad, the description lacks any emotional context. Does Aiden feel that the swirling grass of the plain is his home, and the forest an unknown danger or vice versa? I have no idea. Are the greywings songbirds symbolic of happier times, or gamebirds incongruously promising a rich harvest, or scavengers coming to feast on the dead? I have no idea. Not only do we get no information about where the scenic elements are in relation to each other physically, we have no idea how they stand in relation to Aiden's personal feelings.

The line about "the others" is much better, because it clearly shows that Aiden is speculating without blowing the reader's nose for him. Aiden is making an assumption, and we are told that he doesn't know this for certain without anyone making a big deal out of it.

In fact, the rest of this passage is very good, giving Aiden interesting conflicts and some depth to his character. We learn that the impulse to celebrate the beauty of the natural world really is his own, and it is now in conflict with the cruel indifference that world shows in the face of his tragic loss. You could make this conflict clearer, even state it outright. But it comes through clearly enough.

Whatever you do, never take someone else's advice to open with a line of dialogue. Unless you are utterly confident that you know what you're doing with that first line, opening with a line of dialogue is a rookie mistake that should be avoided. And if someone else had to suggest doing it...well, you're not confident enough to do it.

I think that this opening will work just fine with a few bits of additional information. First, tell us that Aiden has companions and basically who they are before you refer to them as "they". That's a simple matter of grammer, but it is also a narrative issue. It could be as simple a referance as saying "He and his friends had stopped here, where the forest gave way to..." (if they are leaving the plain for the forest, then just say "at the edge of teh forest").

Second, place any physical element of your scene in relation to existing elements so that a person reading the passage for the first time can tell where each thing is (remember that some things are either obvious or omnipresent, like a sunset being in the west or darkness covering the entire landscape).

Third, give the POV an identifiable reason for noticing everything that he notices. What does it mean? See my comments about greybirds above.