posted
How about a first-sentence symposium? Not a thirteen-line challenge per se, rather demonstrations, methods entailed, and rationales. Of course, a first sentence could span thirteen lines, no more, per Hatrack's thirteen-lines principles and rules, and per David Foster Wallace-type loose and periodic sentences. An idealized sentence length, though, accords poetry's iambic pentameter metric foot of twenty syllables length and two eye blinks read time -- not an inviolate mandate, though, or other disyllables pyrrhic, spondee, trochee and thrisyllable metric foots, for accentual verse force movement prose appeals: tribach, dactyl, anapest, etc. So twenty up to, say, thirty syllables per idealized sentence length.
Due to publication culture and the several regular Hatrack fragment responders overall favor close narrative distance limited to one viewpoint persona's perceptions and thoughts, albeit third or first person, for prose craft skill challenges, first sentence contributions here ought best practice attempt third, ideally, or first person sentences, plus, incorporate dramatic force movement, partial tension setup at least.
What is dramatic? A question Gustav Freytag, Technique of the Drama, asks and attempts answers. The tome's focal topic is tension development as a vertical movement, axis y, factor over horizontal movement factor causation over time, axis x, and compares Aristotle's causation facets per the Poetics. If two dimensions, a third must as well compel movement, complication's want-problem antagonism motivations the third dimension, perpendicular to x and z, axis z.
Complication might entail conflict forces, too, parallel, congruent, or distinct. Conflict is a polar opposite of effort and outcome stakes-risked forces in contention: life and death, acceptance and rejection, riches and rags, salvation and damnation, etc., ad infinitum motivations though distinctly polar opposites. Complication's distinction is forces in contention may antagonize motivations any-which-a-way direction: polar opposites in direct confrontation and parallel, congruent, tangential, perpendicular, acute, and obtuse angle complication currents.
Consider that a want complication for riches due to rags also is a problem of little enough money: both riches want and rags problem proactively motivate and impede money seeking behaviors. Distinctions between conflict and complication are subtle, sublime, and profound, despite the whole literary culture's singular conflict emphasis, sans complication emphasis, save for a scarce mention once per eon.
An antagonal first sentence holds greater movement setup potentials than causation, and greater attendant tension setup promises. What? Few and far between do prose narratives' first sentences accomplish antagonal, causal, and tensional movement setup, yet the rare few that might do signal a worthwhile read will unfold.
Why does Herman Melville's Moby Dick first sentence, "Call me Ishmael." warrant the best of the best first sentence's acclaim? Is the sentence Antagonal, Causal, Tensional? Not on its surface, its subtext, yes. Likewise, the microfiction Isaac Asimov attributes to an Ernest Hemingway bar napkin scribble: "For sale, baby shoes, never worn." Subtext: accessible antagonal, causal, tensional movement. Likewise, William Gibson, Neuromancer, "The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel." Each its way evokes curiosity and suspense; if not direct ACT development, each invokes ACT's suspense and curiosity facets for reader effect.
Sentence length? Only as long as wanted up to thirteen lines and that contains a single full-stop period, or, if need be, terminal question mark or exclamation mark, any number of apt dashes, semicolons, colons, ellipsis points, parentheses, and nonterminal question marks and exclamation points.
A small formula tip for consideration, external sensory-physical detail sets up occasion for ACT and responsive emotional attitude commentary and anchors location of a viewpoint agonist's introduction, albeit, the persona located in sentence object position, done to, that is. This method is an invisible and absent narrator reflects a viewpoint persona's received perceptions, stimuli, and responses. A non-fused, non-run-on sentence may incorporate sensory emotion, attitude, description, thought, and dialogue. Wariness of clumsy conjunction and preposition joins is wanted.
So a sample? Subject to revision from this first raw draft:
---- Scorched pockmarks cratered Singe Barren trailhead, sparse bomb bramble sprouts scattered ahead the same random chaos trail; a foolhardy creature passed here, she thought. ----
Soon enough, right soon afterward, for an apt and deft name introduction, say if the foolhardy persona knows and names "her" aloud, calls to her for aid. The setup for transition to dialogue scene follow-through and persona names is given by "a foolhardy creature passed by here," albeit a few more sentences or more of setting situation discovery could aptly delay the further partial tension relief segment of the foolhardy persona's revelation and subsequent reversal therefrom for the viewpoint persona.
Rationale, all of one nonvolitional perception-thought action sequence, non-declarative process statement, indicative mood, forward force movement, albeit quiet, not a state-of-being or summation and explanation stasis statement; the semicolon signals the three clauses are closely related; two visual sensation tension setup and relief delay segment clauses and a partial tension relief thought segment clause; antagonal, causal, motivates the persona to find who passed this way, tensional, "her" done to evokes curiosity from her, despite the danger, and likewise a foolhardy she though enlightened trail follower; a potential problem that wants satisfaction; possible safe and peril in polar opposite forces' conflict, and a tone attitude of dismay and contempt.
Somewhat forced clause joins, though. Each clause could easily and more aptly be single, independent sentences, and the third be second and the second be third in sequence. The first clause could incorporate "her" or she.
//Scorched pockmarks cratered Singe Barren trailhead where she tramped.//
Sentence object position "she," a de re method, of the thing, not a declarative de dicto method, of the word, not de dicto and trite narrator-filtered, She (or Glory Givens) tramped into Singe Barren upon a scorched and pockmarked trailhead. The true sentence subject "thing" is the subjective-case pockmarked trail that objective-case she observes unfiltered by a narrator. (De copia exercise, of abundance, numerous trial-and-error tests for most aptest expression.)
---- This post as much is introduction notice as process and demonstration. If interest builds, perhaps the discussion would move to the Writing Class forum, where this topic best practice belongs.
Many book begin with what I sometimes call the hyper-interesting first sentence and sometimes the goofy first sentence.
The goal -- to create interest -- is fine. But other principles are ignored. So the goofy first sentence often knocks events out of temporal order. It's often a spoiler. And sometimes it's even just false.
So I have become a fan of the ordinary first sentence. The one I liked today:
Her tutor woke her up well before dawn.
Mildly interesting is good. It starts the story. I like action. The verb probably should have been "had woken", so a quick head-nod to starts that are mildly false. The temporal order is a little confused. (It's Wryms, OSC.)
Not to cast aspersions about Orson Scott Card's grammar circa 1987, rather, for a writer edit and de copia analysis exercise:
That above is a valid enough first sentence process statement, somewhat declarative, though, and a mite awkward from the tautological two pronouns.
I disagree about the sentence's predicate tense ought should be past perfect "had woke." The start paragraph's chronology, as is, is an apt linear progression from an immediate now simple past and onward simple past forward -- until a later recollection segment's past perfect and natural and nontrivial tense shift. Not a mildly false simple past tense, though maybe less deft later repetition of the wake-up context and texture transpires.
The sentence language's awkwardness is from a time when science fiction culture was less grammar sophisticated than at present, less college educated, too. 1987 publication debut, and a novel's submission pressures and publisher editorial input, grammar and language less deft than perhaps would be desired today.
A de copia exercise -- first, prior analysis of the dramatic situation wanted.
A nondeclarative process statement, dynamic voice. Check.
Launch a quiet start from which to peak tension soon for later, and also pique reader interest. Check minus.
"woke _her_ up"
A pronoun splits the two-word verb, passable though problematic grammar. Check minus.
"_Her_ tutor woke _her_"
Tautological pronouns. Check minus.
"woke up" How about awoke? "Awoke" suits the milieu and viewpoint persona's education status and the tutor's adept instruction. "woke" by itself, sans particle adverb "up," is simplest, one syllable.
As is, the second "her" pronoun places the viewpoint persona in sentence object position, a de re method that signals "her" is the focal persona of the invisible and absent third-person narrator's received reflections, middle to close narrative distance, omniscience limited to one persona narrative. Check plus.
Pertinent ideas, a personal tutor wakes the viewpoint persona at an ugly-early morning time. The time of day is a pivotal dramatic moment, a wee-dark-early liminal time signal of portentous menace. Check plus maybe.
What about adjust the sentence so that the tutor's personality is characterized? Or at least named? And more so emphasize the time of morning is portentous?
//Personal tutor Angel woke her far before dawn broke.//
True sentence subject in an apt subject position and as well viewpoint persona done to in an apt sentence object location. I'd add personal-to-viewpoint-persona attitude commentary to "dawn broke." Say, //dawn broke ugly.// Huh, too masculine. Or similar other, wicked, feminine, okay enough, (sick, surly, etc.) that strengthens and clarifies an early wake-up is nonroutine and intimation of a pendent further routine interruption for focal persona Patience. And consider a more robust term for the full tutor relationship, say, mentor and tormentor.
//Personal mentor and tormentor Angel woke her far before dawn broke wicked.//
However, this is me and my voice and craft thoughts. So never mind the adjustments, detours, and stray thoughts, for those are not for this already published novel, rather, for my prose composition edification and shared here. ---- Gimmick first sentences, goofy or whatever -- dad-blasted dreadful flatulence and melodrama raspberries.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: "Her tutor woke her up well before dawn."
That above is a valid enough first sentence process statement, somewhat declarative, though, and a mite awkward from the tautological two pronouns.
I am probably too enthusiastic about this topic. I spent more than two months working on starts, and just recently "finished" my webpages on them.
And I never thought about the issue of pronouns! But I was just thinking a few days ago that it seemed odd to have the character's name in the first sentence (except dialogue). I have to think about it more.
And in a way, doesn't the pronoun mark the main character? "Her father suddenly threw aside his newspaper and jumped to his feet." So she's the main character.
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
Absent narrator filter pronoun "Her," adverb "aside" placed for objective case position and optimal force emphasis, a not-simultaneous mistake adjusted to sequential actions in short succession, plus other de copia adjustments; Tom Swifty empty "suddenly" -ly adverb elided, for one; one pronoun instead of three, and a clearer and stronger sentence; stronger, more robust, standalone verbs:
//_Dad_ slammed the Milton newspaper aside, and he lunged from the kitchen table.//
Soon enough later to show who the objective observer persona is. Meantime, Dad is the subjective subject persona the observer observes, and, for now, he's the influence persona.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
The night was dark and stormy. Or: Storm clouds roiled in from the South-West devouring September's full moon. . .
Rationale: Re-work classic starts.
You need to engage with the reader immediately. The best way of doing this is to create imagery which will create similar imagery in the reader's imagination. Do that and the reader is already within the fictive dream.
The same can be done with characterisation.
Phil.
[ April 01, 2019, 03:48 AM: Message edited by: Grumpy old guy ]
Posts: 1937 | Registered: Sep 2012
| IP: Logged |
posted
I had: Her father suddenly threw aside his newspaper and jumped to his feet.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: ... Tom Swifty empty "suddenly" -ly adverb elided, for one.... //_Dad_ slammed the Milton newspaper aside, and he lunged from the kitchen table.//
I came to the opposite conclusion! I think an action start implies a lot of context, and here "suddenly" tells us about what he was doing before he threw aside his paper: Probably sitting calmly in his chair. It's as if the start was:
Her father was sitting in his chair, calmly reading the newspaper. He suddenly threw aside his newspaper and...
It's a powerful word too.
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
//_Dad_ slammed the Milton newspaper aside, and he lunged from the kitchen table.//[/QB][/QUOTE]
One issue here is simply accuracy. I don't know if something can be slammed aside, and lunge implies forward, so neither seems like a careful choice. I would guess the same thing for "trailhead".
I don't know if that's a general issue. It is a general issue to make that first sentence perfect, butof course an example in a discussion need not be as careful.
To repeat a more general issue of using action to imply context, I think jumping up implies that he was not at the kitchen table.
To introduce a new issue of general importance, I decided that a start is moving someplace, and the author need not rush to get there, but meandering isn't right either. So, some of the techniques an author might use to make a scene good become inappropriate at the start.
Here, I am trying to get to the tornado. So the Milton detail is meandering, as is spending time on what chair he is setting on. Or, though not suggested here, descriptions of his facial expression to help us feel his emotions, because he isn't the main character in this scene.
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: ... Soon enough later to show who the objective observer persona is. Meantime, Dad is the subjective subject persona the observer observes, and, for now, he's the influence persona.
Actually, Meredith said in the previous thread about starts, "The single best way to lose me as a reader is to confuse me about which character I'm supposed to be following and rooting for."
Obviously, readers can differ, but I really liked that advice. If the reader is trying to get inside the mind of one of the characters -- which is what I want -- it's work for the reader to take the perspective of one character and then have to switch to another.
Anyway, I want the reader taking her perspective from the start, and very quickly that becomes the only correct perspective. (You can't see that from just my first line.)
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
My demonstrations skew wildly, due to others' content is not given me to usurp creative vision ownership. Nor would I spoil opportunity for a creator to create an aptest expression, nor deprive a creator of the trial and error self-reliance rewards therefrom.
-ly and -ing words weaken writing power and magic; many adverbs, adjectives, conjunctions, prepositions, progressive verbs, and gerunds do.
However, worthwhile prose differs substantively from other expression methods, most so from everyday conversation methods, like use of empty intensifiers due to shortfalls of ready-to-mind emotional vocabulary. A challenge, therefore, for prose is to appear casual yet be dynamic and robust emotional magic, and is or feels awkward for a while due to unfamiliarity with artful creative expression methods and too ready familiarity with everyday conversation methods.
Numerous methods to establish strong and clear who a narrative's focal persona is, that is, the protagonist. Name exposition is a common and trite method; first words are a name, especially if a narrator tells the name.
Facets of a protagonist's role or roles, if managed aptly, all by themselves can establish who the protagonist is, though through word count time expended and not in a lump. Introduced first is the usual default definition of protagonist, and a more or less empty mechanical feature.
More important are a protagonist is most influential and most influenced by a dramatic event sequence, most transformed from start to end, the focus victim-proactive actor of the overall crisis, most proactive soon or late, strongest efforts to satisfy the crisis complication, most vulnerable to conflict stakes risked forces, strongest attitude holder, most affected by revelations and reversals, most plagued by doubt and emotion.
Another subtle mechanism is protagonist "story time" and "narrative time" are greater and more emphasized than for other personas. Some several of those above or all, though judicious and timely, sequentially expressed, not all at once.
Though the demonstration sentence above doesn't name or allude to a focal persona, the next sentence timely could. Dad could speak Daughter's name through an imperative expression, for example: full name if a castigation or angry, a pet name if affectionate, a given name if a command or direct address, a family, friend, or acquaintance nickname if common use, each an occasion for name exposition through dialogue, maybe named from thought about another persona, not the self, per se, and occasion for narrator estrangement in favor of reality imitation and viewpoint persona's insider looks outward and inward "voice."
Or a protagonist might be unnamed for several sentences, paragraphs, pages, or not at all, aside from pronouns (for explicit rhetorical implications and rationales).
The above use of "Dad" intimates an offspring, strongly and subtly intimates who the focal persona is and estranges the narrator an apt degree, though delays naming for a time, and potentially is its own tension entrainment technique. Readers, humans generally, want to know a name of whom they meet, soon or late. How long before name introductions? And what is the name introduction register?
For stronger yet intimation, Daddy, or similar other, as a child's pet name for a father, estranges the narrator an apt further degree and more foregrounds the focal persona. Nor need those and similar uses be exclusive to first person. Pet names are invariably proper nouns, thus, applicable to third and other grammar persons.
Strong and clear characterization development also implies a focal persona, by attitude expressed, by stream of consciousness, by actions, by responses to all and sundry, etc. Jerome Stern's Specimen shape's subtleties entail the lot, a focal observer's descriptions, interactions, assessments, observations of, and responses, etc., to a specimen subject persona. The specimen shape, irrespective of grammar person, intimates who a true focal viewpoint observer persona is and the observer's personality, nature, and behavior, albeit, the focal subject persona is a specimen observed.
Of course, variant degrees of craft skill entail more and less deft introduction methods and Keep In Touch skills (C.J. Cherryh, KIT).
Degree of craft skill, pertinent as it is per audience target, nonetheless develops supports and adjustments for less adept expression skill methods. So some writers consider a first sentence an occasion for first words to name a viewpoint agonist, a throwaway sentence. An adjustment for that is a dynamic context and texture process-statement first sentence, and other methods, some "hook" gimmicks.
Also, another method entails narrative point of view establishment through a first or few sentences that implies, say, a narrator's role: detached, remote, middle distance, close distance, all but absent, foremost persona, objective, subjective, etc., and auxiliaries' flexibility, if any, thereof. Protagonist's name first words invariably intimate a more overt narrator than other methods.
For me, narrative point of view inconsistency is as problematic as an unclear focal persona or personas and viewpoint.
I can't understand this very well. [I am not sure how a trail can have pockmarks. They would seem to be smaller than craters, so I don't see how they could crater a trail. If the trail is dirt, I don't know how the pockmarks can be scorched.]
These are very vivid words. Was that the goal here?
posted
Are we still talking about this topic? I decided that the natural way to start a book is with description, but the better way tends to be action. And the action start works because it leaks information
Her tutor... (Wyrms, OSC)
The story is being described from her perspective, and the POV character is female. That she has a tutor suggests an age range. And she's not poor. All in two words.
... woke her up ...
People are usually woken up by alarms, so this already suggests a more primitive society. People are usually woken up by their mothers, family, or friend, so this says something about her closeness to her tutor.
Of course, she might have just fallen asleep at her lesson, though it wouldn't have been written this way. Anyway, it's clarified:
... well before dawn.
Either it's a special day, or her tutor usually wakes her up. That's clarified in the next sentence.
Patience felt the chill of the morning through her thin blanket . . .
It's an ordinary day if that's all she has to think about. A thin blanket could mean she's poor, but Card already said she wasn't. So we have a picture of someone living under "Spartan" conditions.
I think any action leaks information, but this looks like a thoughtful "leaking" of information.
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
Vivid and lively words is the intent, the several of substance are verbal metaphors. Maybe "pockmarks" is too obscure for general readers. Pockmark comes from pox marks, smallpox scars that cratered survivors' skin, or more at present, acne scars, sometimes "craters" alludes to acne (hyperbole).
The word anymore perhaps too removed from immediate public discourse, and a metaphor for most any round scar, not yet a trite idiom or is a metaphor rehabilitated from too common past use.
The visual sensation design is a trailhead where "brittle" seed head plants explode small scorched craters and spread seed far, shrapnel-like. "Brittle" is a term for seeds that fall, fly, or explosively jettison from stems at the slightest provocation.
"Hard" is the opposite, like hard wheat, though "hard" anymore refers to high-gluten content, hard-shelled wheat kernels, like durum wheat, Triticum durum, and common wheat, Triticum aestivum, seeds that remain "hard" to their stalks. Hardness for both features, stays on the stalk when ripe and hard-shelled kernel, high-gluten wheat, entails economic grain cultivation viability.
Therein, fantasy milieu, the trail's "brittle" bramble (thorny stalk, wild rose, raspberry, blackberry, greenbrier) bomb plants are a minefield for the unwary. Bracken, or simpler fern, might be more apt: bomb fern.
quote:When I was eleven, I formally resigned from the family dream. (How to Be Famous, Moran)
Whatever you want to make of that as a sentence in isolation, it's not in isolation. Does this lab also talk about the first sentence as a foundation?
The story could have proceeded in temporal order from there, but it's not hard to guess that that's like a "topic sentence". Which mostly just occur at the starting sentence. The next three pages are about her "resigning". "Essentially" would be an accurate word, it's a metaphor; "formally" is not accurate.
Anyway, the point of the story ISN'T that she resigned. The point of the story is that, although the family dream is to move to the country, she wants to live in London. The next sentence even is:
And so here at nineteen, here I am in London...
So the first line is misleading, and it causes me to misdirect on the meaning of the following story. That problem seems surprisingly easy to find.
posted
"formally" is an idiom that means officially, ceremonially affirmed. The usage above is non-routine idiosyncratic, though about as apt as a verbal metaphor -ly adverb can be. "formally resigned," what, submitted a formal resignation letter (the eleven-year-old's drawing itself) from the family dream of country life retreat from nuclear Armageddon in favor of the city's attractions? Who doesn't at times want to quit a family, often enough about minor squabbles? Yes, a foundational thesis statement. Overstatement. Hilarious.
"And so here[,] at nineteen, here I am in London . . ." Comma missed for interrupted thought, or a dash, stream of consciousness. Many punctuation errors are in the preview sample, similar to Jack Kerouac's On the Road awkward punctuation, though therein for a jazzy rhythm "Beat generation" accentual verse and roadway speed car-culture emulation function. Caitlin Moran's punctuation emulates Millennial pop culture forced sophistication and emphasis, is pretentious yet for a rhetorical function commentary and generational rapport.
The start sentence is declarative, though, first-person narrator summary and explanation told and a recap, at that. Similar to a thesis statement start sentence, and a journalism gimmick attention grabber, declares a thesis of independence.
A young woman's declaration of independence novel, second of a trilogy of same, from a Millennial generation reinvention of signal godmother of punk Patty Smith's punk culture, re: Just Kids. The novel more or less recounts diary-like tell about the young woman Dollie's independence journey. Though under-realized, the subtext is of a woman's refusal of the struggles for equal empowerment status to men though by rogue early-adult trial-and-error independent self-identity development methods. Sublime satire about early adulthood vices and follies in the face of adult responsibilities.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: "formally" is an idiom that means officially, ceremonially affirmed. The usage above is non-routine idiosyncratic, though about as apt as a verbal metaphor -ly adverb can be. "formally resigned," what, submitted a formal resignation letter (the eleven-year-old's drawing itself) from the family dream of country life retreat from nuclear Armageddon in favor of the city's attractions? Who doesn't at times want to quit a family, often enough about minor squabbles? Yes, a foundational thesis statement. Overstatement. Hilarious.
...
The start sentence is declarative, though, first-person narrator summary and explanation told and a recap, at that. Similar to a thesis statement start sentence, and a journalism gimmick attention grabber, declares a thesis of independence.
...
I don't disagree, but you seem to casually call the opening sentence "overstatement". How can the reader know that? Not from context, right?
You seem to casually accept a "thesis" statement, even though those are rarely used in writing, presumably because they don't work well.
To be a thesis statement, wouldn't it have to describe the point of the story? The only thing the reader has to understand from the story is that she really wants to live in London. It misdirects the reader who is trying to understand what is important.
We agree on it being a gimmick. And I liked the book, this is not an untalented writer.
posted
An eleven-year-old's drawing as a formal resignation from a family's dream is overstatement. The word "formally" is a tip-off of overstatement irony for me. The sentence affirms the irony of an eleven-year-old's resignation from the family dream.
Prose borrows crossover methods from other metagenre: research and report, analysis, argumentation, and journalism, plus stage and screen. Thesis statements are one of the many crossovers adopted from other composition modes. A thesis statement, or hypothesis, purpose statement, claim asserted, etc., someway declares an opinion or theory or, for prose, intimates or implies the dramatic complication, the want-problem and stakes risked argument theory, so to speak.
Here, an intimated self-declaration of independence from a family "dream," albeit, more a nightmare dream of nuclear-war paranoia, real or imagined, and a want for a lively life regardless.
The attention grabber gimmick of that first sentence derives from told rather than shown attention grabber recap and later redundant somewhat shown repetition -- introspection and recollection -- of the formal resignation event's now moment. Show would start at that past-now event and avoid the redundancy. Or for nonlinear timeline appeal and emotional-moral subtext functions, start in the London present now.
The review sample entails an untimely triple buttonhole loop, nonlinear timeline sequence, back and forth at haphazard among present now and past nows. That adopted fiction method emerged from creative nonfiction reality imitation methods wanted to authenticate narratives' reality. Yet the sample's uses short shrift CNF's quality, quantity, relevance, and mannerism setting and milieu details for the past now, more provided for the present now, though still shy of aptest setting reality emphasis proportion.
posted
That start is also a spoiler. One of the elements that makes a story interesting is surprise/twist. That initial scene very carefully written for that purpose . . .
Except the first sentence spoils. We read about her make a model of a house in the wilderness, but we are thinking "What does that have to do with resigning from the family dream of having a house in the wilderness?"
quote:Then my mother looked at it again. ‘But where’s your bedroom, Johanna?’ she asked. ‘Have you forgotten to draw it?’
We the readers think, "Here comes the part where she resigns." So the surprise is spoiled. The entertainment value of that scene seems to be largely lost.
The author could hope that the reader was not reading the scene with that first sentence as a focus. But that's what a topic sentence does.
Again, writers occasionally offer spoilers, but usually not after the first sentence.
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
Caitlin Moran's aesthetic is of a Millennial faction's satiric interpretation of Postmodernism's experimental questions of and challenges to presupposed propriety notions: mores, values, culture, art, prose included.
The generational prose writer class aptly apprehends a competent grasp of Postmodernism's basic notions, conventions, mechanics, structures, organizations, though off the innovation mark for aesthetics and subtexts unique to Millennials' essentialism (John Paul Sartre), existentialism (Hegel, Kant, Kierkegaard, Hesse, etc.), and more so generational irony, satire, and sarcasm sensibilities.
Melodrama is common among the entertainer age group, raised on Internet clickbait recreation and social content, yet shy of substantive subtext unifiers and appeals -- except questions of and challenges to presupposed notions of prose propriety, a generational appeal of why not question and challenge what is a difficult struggle for the generation, any generation. Why not confront presupposed notions.
Rebellion against the established status quo is an early adult prerogative. Go along and get along, request assent, plea for forgiveness after a mistake's fact; defend, refuse, and deny error; or beg to differ? Beg to differ is a Postmodern convention.
posted
Line 9 of General's Daughter is clever and funny, and it's a great motivation to keep reading. The first line:
quote:"Is this seat taken?" I asked the attractive young woman sitting by herself in the lounge.
I think extrinsic will like this for the want. It's mild, but it gets us to the next sentence, to find out what happened.
And I didn't think of it at the time, but . . . maybe one strength of this start is the promise of immediate reward in the next sentence. Which, to go off-topic is
quote:She looked up from her newspaper but didn't reply.
So, mild conflict, which probably gets me to that ninth line.
Anyway, maybe another advantage of this start is that it's easy to read. No unusual words, a simple grammar, easy to visualize. I don't know how many readers would appreciate that, but I think that it makes it easier for me to continue.
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
extrinsic would consider more than a few adjustments for Nelson DeMille's The General's Daughter, 1992.
Not conflict or complication as much for the start as tone looms large, a squabble dialogue's quirky idiosyncrasies, are other than the usual, apparent pickup-scene expectations, masqueraded as routine and cliché pickup lines and deflections thereof, exquisite social commentary parody, that sets up tension entrainment for delightful surprises soon later.
Too many trivial, overly visible, and overwrought said-bookisms for my sensibilities: "asked," "inquired," "conceded," for examples.
The first sentence poses a standard pickup scene convention, could be stronger appeals yet as straightforward if more personal and livelier, more vivid descriptors used instead of bland "attractive young woman," maybe even ironic commentary: understatement or overstatement, personal synecdoche, metonymy "masculine gaze" objectifier, though aptly respectful, nicknames, for examples, and not untimely give away the true scene.
posted
Every reader has their own expectations of what the first line of a story should do for them; be it excite, intrigue or amuse, they expect to engage on some level. If they are engaged, every reader will take away something completely different and unique to them; EmmaSohan finds a mild amount of character want while extrinsic finds other items of note. Me? I’ll never get to read that ninth line, no matter if it is the most erudite, witty and amusing line ever written. Why? I can’t get over the shortfalls in the first sentence and I don’t have time to waste on what I imagine will be a turgid read full of craft shortfalls.
So, what’s wrong with that first line? An unnamed, genderless character of unknown age asks a female character of unknown status (other than young and attractive) an innocuous question for no apparent reason in an unknown location; a lounge. Is this a lounge room in a suburban house or is it a different sort of lounge? Perhaps its on a ship--or a plane, a train or even a dirigible. It could be anywhere and any when. Even worse, the first sentence begins with dialogue, a lazy start, and is first person to boot. Ugh! Not for me.
quote:Originally posted by Grumpy old guy: ... So, what’s wrong with that first line? An unnamed, genderless character of unknown age asks a female character of unknown status (other than young and attractive) an innocuous question for no apparent reason in an unknown location; a lounge. Is this a lounge room in a suburban house or is it a different sort of lounge? Perhaps its on a ship--or a plane, a train or even a dirigible. It could be anywhere and any when...
No problem with individual differences. What book are you currently reading? I want to see the start that made you keep reading.
The first line Phil was referring to: "Is this seat taken?" I asked the attractive young woman sitting by herself in the lounge.
An innocuous question? For no apparent reason? I think you are supposed to understand that start differently.
quote:A few miles south of Soledad, the Salinas River drops in close to the hillside bank and runs deep and green.
Same problem, right? You have no idea if the main character is male or female, or his/their age, or why they are there.
As far as I know, incomplete information is a natural trait of first sentences. In an action start (which this is), the context/setting gets filled in.
One more thing. First two lines:
quote:Annabelle Agnelli is trying to hold it together in the parking lot of Dick’s Drive-In. After what just happened, she’s stunned. (A Heart in a Body in the World, Chen)
Here, the author is deliberately withholding information -- what just happened? Whatever you think of the technique of withholding information, it exists. And so temporarily not knowing what is happening can't be that bad. Right?
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
extrinsic, that's a spot-on analysis. And given that, I don't see how you are going to change the start. I think Phil's comment shows the need for something like "young attractive woman", to immediately tell the reader what's happening.
And as you point out, telling more can spoil the subsequent dialogue.
That leaves a different description of "young attractive woman." But those words are easy to understand. Did you want to change the first sentence to something more difficult to read?
"It was the best of times..." I think I read this several times without ever getting to the end of the first sentence. (Am I the only one who sees humor and sarcasm at the end?)
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
My thoughts about that first sentence are predicated on military crime drama conventions and audiences thereof and the era the novel represents and current events of the time. The Tailhook sexual abuse scandal was current. A phrase like "attractive young woman" appears bland on its face, though held potent New Feminism significance when the novel released, still relevant today.
For me, the challenges of that sentence are less either-or, and more what could be an apter scale force increase from the bland, artless detail and speech from a disembodied mind. Plus an overwrought speech tag and a more or less throwaway setup sentence.
A few well-chosen setting description words leavened before and among the dialogue would go far to establish the scene's tangibleness. Yet not impede the scene's fast pace or spoil the squabble surprise. Plus stronger, more personal descriptors of the woman for a vivid effect show as much about Brenner's true nature and Sunhill's for subtext appeals suited to the target audience. Even a small change from "woman" to brunette speaks volumes now and later.
"attractive young," too. Sunhill is a prim and proper, righteous military warrant officer sex crimes investigator attired for the scene in "mufti," civilian clothes. Sexual tension appeal potentials from a few words adjustments? Military words? She's a JAG corps-military police, junior warrant officer WAC, and her attire, though civilian, screams military-legal and unavailable.
The lounge could likewise be uniquely characterized in an economy of words suited to the audience, instead of generic. Even a business name, one that would appeal to the audience and characterize Brenner, Sunhill, the lounge, and set up the overall drama movement: The Acey-Deucy Club, an Easter egg for readers in the know, a flavor of the place's off-base military "mufti" patron ambience for other readers. Acey-Deucy alludes to a military version of backgammon, in which a one-two dice role earns a bonus role if the player can move at least one piece, and is fraught with sublime cues, meanings, appeals of territorial aggression game tactics for those in the know.
These above derive from an analytical literary school of thought, a tributary of New Criticism's method and message analysis emphasis: Historicism : a narrative received in regard to a represented milieu, the season of debut, subsequent eras, and a present-day reception.
Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities start, "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. . . ." Is a synchrisis figure that is other than the either-or fallacy the prologue satirically parodies, is a descriptor of any era's public discourse Either with us or against us fallacy contradictions, received only to the superlative degree.
posted
Heavily edited: Why would you want brunette instead of woman? That's a real question. Why do you want more description?
In this case, I actually am not positive what "brunette" means. I once thought brown hair, because brunette sounds like brown, then I think I read it was anything not blond. But black doesn't sound right.
In establishing tone, there is a big difference between "woman" and "brunette." He is paying attention to her femaleness, not her hair color. So I suspect "woman" is the better choice, except if you like description for the sake of description.
posted
"brunette" glorifies male sexual objectification of a woman's womanly physical appearance and characterizes the persona who thinks or says such. Brunet for males' brown or blackish hair color. Raven is a comparable for women's black hair or synecdoche for a shiny black-haired woman. Blond for male and neuter descriptions, blonde exclusively for females.
Not more description for the sole sake of description, more tangible and specific detail eloquence force movement and emotional persuasions in an economy of words that mean more with less.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: ... in an economy of words that mean more with less.
More what? More description? I can't see what else you get by substituting brunette for woman.
From Wikipedia:
quote:The most enduring blonde vs. brunette rivalry in American culture may exist in the comic book industry where blonde Betty Cooper and brunette Veronica Lodge ...
Veronica has black hair.
Dictionaries say that brunette means dark brown. Collins:
quote:A brunette is a white-skinned woman or girl with dark brown hair.
So a reader should see her hair color as dark brown, but might see it as possibly light brown or light black. I don't see why it would matter. Which is to say, her hair color seems to have nothing to do with the story. Which makes me ask, more what?
I think this issue transcends first lines. But wouldn't the first line be the worst place for an irrelevant word? Except for readers who like description for the sake of description.
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
"brunette" is a syncdoche for woman, the visible hair part for the whole, that means a bright object of desire and an apt term often used by noir murder mystery hard-boiled cynic detectives and suits the squabble scene and personas that the first sentence sets up, without spoiling the surprise. Likewise, "blonde" or "raven."
Still, if given to me, I'd put a brief, more meaningful description of Sunhill first, introduce Sunhill and Brenner, with a small piece of appealing, bleak noir setting detail, then launch into the dialogue leavened with further descriptive details and still would work or work more magic mischief for the target audience. The novel is already published, though, c'est la vie, and not mine, either, except for method analysis prospects for my writing, gleaned from somewhat okay though room for improvement extant content.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Not saying anybody is wrong, but I've never heard or known of hair-color descriptions/words (brunette/brunet/blond/blonde etc) glorifying anybody's objectification, in and of themselves. I've always just heard them used as color descriptors...closest to anything like that I've ever heard is someone mentioning they particularly like a certain hair color (I've always had a bit of a thing for blonds and redheads for example.)
Posts: 226 | Registered: Oct 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
See Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer, I, the Jury; My Gun Is Quick and others for female hair color descriptions used to self-glorify masculist's objectification of and that demean women. Or for feminine similar other hair color negative, jealous objectification of competitor females, see Jacqueline Susann, Valley of the Dolls.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:There's this photograph I can't get out of my mind (Letters to the Lost)
Is that first line trying to be so interesting that the reader wants to read the book? No.
Is it trying to impress with writing style or ability? No.
But it's good for getting the reader to the next sentence. Does it do anything else?
In contrast:
quote:He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.
What is going to happen to the man? You can read the book to find out, but everyone knows the next sentence isn't an answer.
quote:She nearly killed an innocent man. (Gone)
We want to know more. But that's a topic sentence, so the second sentence won't answer the question. (It takes pages to get to the answer.)
That first sentence has to be good enough to pull the reader through pages of backstory about Charlie, a one-scene character.
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
Brigid Kemmerer, Letter to the Lost: "There's this photograph I can't get out of my mind."
Is an idiosyncratic metalepsis figure: a strained, far-fetched, and unique allusion to a cultural artifact, proverb, or cite from literature, current events, or popular culture.
"Reference to something by means of another thing that is remotely related to it, either through a farfetched causal relationship, or through an implied intermediate substitution of terms. Often used for comic effect through its preposterous exaggeration. A metonymical substitution of one word for another which is itself figurative." (Gideon Burton, Silva Rhetoricae, rhetoric.byu.edu)
The natural quirkiness of an actual, though figurative, actually, photograph stored in a human mind is a metalepsis. Really a photograph? No. An odd cognitive inversion of the self as a mechanical thing, a camera. Sublime.
Though use of "There's," is a syntax epithet, placeholder sentence subject pronoun "there," for me, wants reconsideration. An increment more apt than an "it's" syntax epithet, though. A true sentence subject is often more tangible and of appeal. The everyday conversational, maybe confessional, tenor of the diction and syntax appeals, too. The sentence does start a tension setup and entrainment, yes, persuades further reading, and more: deft and subtle language arts use itself.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:An innocuous question? For no apparent reason? I think you are supposed to understand that start differently.
Really, and the basis for this ‘interpretation’, or different understanding is? I would suggest you read it again; it’s simple English--a tagged piece of dialogue which says exactly what it says; it infers nothing more than that.
A first sentence, by definition, must be able to stand on its own. Nothing precedes it and that which follows is dependent on what it says. The first sentence in this instance is a simple piece of mundane dialogue without setting or context. It’s a dreadful piece of bad writing.
quote:A few miles south of Soledad, the Salinas River drops in close to the hillside bank and runs deep and green.
Same problem, right? You have no idea if the main character is male or female, or his/their age, or why they are there.
No, not the same problem at all. This sentence is developing setting, and, perhaps, the narrator as well. The narrator may be a character, or may not be, we will need to see what develops. Gender and age is irrelevant at this stage and no one has said anyone is there or anywhere else. It is commentary or, using another word, exposition.
quote:As far as I know, incomplete information is a natural trait of first sentences. In an action start (which this is), the context/setting gets filled in.
How is the reader, who has just picked up this book off the shelf, supposed to infer that “context/setting gets filled in”? Action start? Don’t see it in that first sentence, do you?
quote:No problem with individual differences. What book are you currently reading? I want to see the start that made you keep reading.
I’m not currently reading any books. I stopped buying genre books for my own enjoyment around 2000; I didn’t like the changes developing in tone, style and the growing obsession with including trending content over real substance etc. The last book I did read was the Martian Trilogy (A Princess of Mars, Gods of Mars, Warlord of Mars) by Edgar Rice-Burroughs. But, first sentences.
I’ve hunted through my archived library and picked out the first books I read of some of my favourite authors. These first sentences got me to read a book by an author I had not read before, strange as that will seem. These first sentences introduced me to the writer’s voice, style and storytelling abilities and I have subsequently read each authors entire body of work. So, here’s a short list.
When the office door opened suddenly I knew the game was up. Harry Harrison: The Stainless Steel Rat
The young lieutenant-colonel was drunk, apparently, and determined to rush upon disaster. Gordon R Dickson: Tactics of Mistake
The big man came ashore at the ancient port of Mazatlán, from off a merchantman out of the equally ancient port of Callao, far to the south. Robert Adams: The Horseclans
Tom Mausier was a cautious man. Robert Asprin:The Cold Cash War
Denver pi**ed him off. Joe Haldeman: Mindbridge
Out of darkness came dawn. Crawford Kilian: Eyas
Once upon a time when the world was young there was a Martian named Smith. Robert Heinlein: Stranger in a Strange Land
Lessa woke, cold. Anne McCaffrey: Dragonflight
And, just ‘cause I can and because I think it’s a great first line--
The sun had set four years ago and had not risen since. Harry Harrison: Wheelworld
I’m not including Piers Anthony, Jerry Pournelle, Larry Niven, Frederick Forsythe, James A Michener and a whole host of other writers who write good stories but they just don’t know when to stop boring me to death with back-story and detail.
quote:Originally posted by Grumpy old guy: Originally posted by EmmaSohan:
quote:An innocuous question? For no apparent reason? I think you are supposed to understand that start differently.
Really, and the basis for this ‘interpretation’, or different understanding is? I would suggest you read it again; it’s simple English--a tagged piece of dialogue which says exactly what it says; it infers nothing more than that.
Well, I know there must be sentences that just mean what the words say, but how common is that?
People rarely ask if a seat is taken just out of curiosity. There is one chance in a million that he's taking a census. Usually, the person wants to take the seat. But not when the woman is first described as young and attractive.
So, almost everyone is going to understand that as him wanting to sit down with her and talk to her.
A writer can be deliberately misleading. I think your Harrison's starting paragraph does that. ("I pressed the button that set off the charge of black powder in the ceiling, the crossbeam buckled and the three-ton safe dropped through right on the top of the cop's head.")
But the normal situation is the author trying to communicate. So the logical inferences from the start are likely to be correct as the author helps the reader understand the story.
quote:The monitor lady smiles very nicely and tousled his hair and said...
Card was trying to tell us about how old Ender was. Or he was just writing a story, and the information came out naturally. But if Ender was 40, Card would not have said tousled (and probably not have used that grammar).
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
Initial impressions: an Ursula K. Le Guin "Mrs. Brown" and Henry James the human consciousness is like a goldfish in a fishbowl, anonymous, visible, and impenetrable both. A Jerome Stern Specimen shape, a possible Gathering, too, impersonal though each a mystery that wants satisfaction.
The "The" definite article first word adjective modifier and two short succession definite articles of indefinite subjects, "dimly" -ly adverb, and "hiding" -ing progressive tense verb dependent clause (a catacosmesis figure of lowered force), suggest a want for apter reconsiderations from the natural everyday-routine conversation narrator idiolect.
"gray" is sublime allusion to murk and turbid. "gray water" is a plumber term for sink and tub wastewater, dirty septic water though safe for further nonpotable uses, opposed to "black water" from porcelain thrones.
Ostensibly a throwaway first sentence, more to the line than meets the eye, a Mrs. Brown and a fishbowl mind and murk. Maybe the object of curiosity will soon clear and as well evade the observer's want for clarity of the persona's nature. She hides for a reason. Why?
Please do edit the post and include source attribution.
quote:Originally posted by EmmaSohan: extrinsic, what do you think of this? I want to comment on it, but first I want to see what you say. (No Googling!)
quote:The woman stood in the far corner of the dimly lit room, hiding in shadows like a fish in gray water. (The Promise, RObert Crais)
quote:The woman stood in the far corner of the dimly lit room, hiding in shadows like a fish in gray water. (The Promise, Robert Crais)
I decided that this author not trying to be interesting. Like the author assumed the reader would make it to the end of the paragraph. Or there's some mystery of why she is hiding, but that seems minor.
Another goal an author could have is to impress the reader with writing ability. Here, I liked the metaphor. And then I remembered, I bought this book because I had liked his metaphors in his last book.
But trying to impress a reader with writing skill doesn't seem like it would work on the average reader.
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
An ideal is an eloquent grammar that appeals to general and close readers. General readers might not notice or care; close readers do. Not impressive writing so much as all appearances of regular expression yet more substance.
"like a fish in gray water." Simile.
Decorum (rhetoric): Suit words to subject matter, occasion, and audience(s).
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Grumpy old guy: A first sentence, by definition, must be able to stand on its own. Nothing precedes it and that which follows is dependent on what it says.
We can evaluate first sentences on their own, but they don't need to stand on their own, and I think it's interesting how one fits with what follows.
quote:Denver pi**ed him off. Joe Haldeman: Mindbridge
I wouldn't expect the next sentence to be in chronological order, and it's not. It doesn't seem to be a good description of what followed, so I would rate it as misleading. (It's not clear in the telling that he is ever pi**ed off at Denver.) And by telling what happens next, it could spoil the telling of the scene.
I'm not sure how much those are problems for that book. But that's the problem with evaluating just the first sentence by itself.
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
"Denver pi**ed him off." (Joe Haldeman, Mindbridge)
An exclamation, thought, a small cue for place by way of metonymy, personal emotion, common though foul-language idiom, stream of consciousness, dynamic voice process statement, past tense though present-tense metaphor, and a third-person, limited, close first-sentence setup at the get-go outset, a difficult mischief magic for a first sentence.
A rigid grammarian would note the sentence erroneously ends on a preposition and be an invalid observation. Two- or more word verbs' main verbs take particle prepositions or adverbs and are positioned proximate to, after main verbs.
Sir Ernest Gowers, Plain Words, 1948, attributes to Winston Churchill a purported grammar anecdote and multiple-word verb acrobatics: "This is the sort of English up with which I will not put." //This is the sort of English I will not put up with.// Three-word verb "put up with." If "This" of either and all similar expressions is inferred as a proximal pronoun reference to the sentence's grammar itself, hilarious situational irony.
A de re pronoun sentence object splits the two-word verb "pi**ed off," a grammar principle (regular syntax) exception. De re places a self in sentence object or other objective-case clause position, de re, of the thing, therein, that's done to a self, mechanics that also want further aesthetics development.
True sentence subject "Denver," true predicate "pi**sed off," true sentence object "him," active and dynamic voice, process statement.
False syntax all over, passive and static voice, state-of-being stasis statement, too much get into touch with or "keep in touch" emphasis:
//He was pi**ed of by Denver.//
Similar to the original though conventional grammar to similar yet lackluster force and blunted close narrative distance effects:
//Denver annoyed him.// Bland yet regular grammar, understatement. //Denver ticked off him [apter for this demonstration: Jacque Lefavre].// Awkward yet regular grammar.
A pronoun, noun, or brief noun phrase may split a two- or more word verb, though may or may not split an infinitive verb; yes, if a root verb is a two- or more word verb, not a true split infinitive, a compound infinitive and multiple-word verb; no, if not:
//Denver wanted to tick him off.// //Denver wanted to annoy him.//
Poetry, free verse, rigid rhyme and meter, prose poetry, narrative poetry, though, might split an infinitive; a zeugma figure:
//Denver wanted to him annoy.//
Subjunctive mood, infinitive tense, though realized indicative mood and past, present, and future tense compass, cognitive inversion (semantic inversion, irony), faint overstatement:
//Denver would want to pi** him off.//
Haldeman's, a noteworthy four-word first-sentence example for narrative distance closes methods and de copia, of abundance, trial exercises.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: An ideal is an eloquent grammar that appeals to general and close readers. General readers might not notice or care; close readers do. Not impressive writing so much as all appearances of regular expression yet more substance.
A grammar that follows the rules in a normal way won't be interesting or impressive. (Eloquent grammar? Is that possible?)
quote:Lessa woke, cold. Anne McCaffrey: Dragonflight
That start interests me for the grammar. From the last book I read:
quote:We always seemed to be moving, always for the better, always to make our lives better, whatever. (A Very Large Expanse of Sea, Mafi)
One of my favorite fragments:
quote:Business was being conducted. All kinds of business. (The Cardinal of the Kremlin, Clancy, after the prologue)
Of course, an ungrammatical sentence might also irritate a small number of readers. With presumably most readers not noticing.
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
Eloguence's two facets are forceful and persuasive. Not forced or unnatural or tepid Standard English expressions; apt force movement by consistent mannerisms, includes Standard English grammar principles.
For public speeches and the like, force progression and persuasion intend opinion conversion for personas' reluctant or refused standpoints, though speaks as well to "a choir." For prose, eloquent force movement and persuasion wants for reader emotional responses.
quote:We always seemed to be moving, always for the better, always to make our lives better, whatever. (A Very Large Expanse of Sea, Mafi)
Ignoring the grammar, there's an interesting thing going on. We start out what seems to be profoundish, then switch into a more cynical attitude.
That twist/surprise/reversal/unexpected_turn happens a lot in the middle, but the first sentence? It seems unusual, except my short list for best-known first sentences includes A Tale of Two Cities and
quote:If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it. (Catcher in the Rye, Salinger)
Here's a double twist:
quote:There are gods in Alabama: Jack Daniel's, high school quarterbacks, trucks, big tits, and also Jesus. (gods in Alabama, Jackson)
More generally, a first line could be enjoyable for one of the reasons why a sentencein the middle of the book is enjoyable. But all I can come up with is the "twist".
Posts: 407 | Registered: Apr 2018
| IP: Logged |
posted
Each of the above cited sentences evinces a force movement arc. More than a middle or late twist or twists, or turn or pivot, each entails a climax figure subset of auxesis' force increase in tandem to catcaosmesis' force decrease, graphed, somewhat this shape: ^ , comparable to a tension setup, relief delay, and partial relief sequence. Each sentence's force movement persuades readers to reach each sentence's end and, ideally, read further.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: Sir Ernest Gowers, Plain Words, 1948, attributes to Winston Churchill a purported grammar anecdote and multiple-word verb acrobatics: "This is the sort of English up with which I will not put." //This is the sort of English I will not put up with.// Three-word verb "put up with."
I'd had to back up several times (I sorta write from the middle to both ends) to reach the first scene of my everlasting Epic. Eventually got there, but still wasn't happy with the first line... til I backed it up five more seconds, and reached:
The Skai came at him out of the dark, lance blade glowing red as blood.
And that was right for the story and the scene.
Tho a pedant might note that since I don't use chapters, but do use Law & Order style headers to set locale, that first header is technically the first line:
quote:Originally posted by Grumpy old guy: The night was dark and stormy. Or: Storm clouds roiled in from the South-West devouring September's full moon. . .
Rationale: Re-work classic starts.
Or my own larval effort...
You're gonna call me whatever you want regardless, so let's just pick one. How about Ishmael. No real people were ever named Ishmael.
Posts: 782 | Registered: Dec 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
Reziac, at first blush your first sentence would seem to stand alone, but does it really? A cursory examination quickly reveals the statement is the precursor of something which follows on. In fact, if taken as an in medias res opening, action precedes the statement as well.
One question: Do you intend to explain to the reader later on what happened to get the main character in that situation where something is trying to poke him with a lance? If you’re not, then the opening isn’t in medias res. In fact, that would mean it isn’t much of anything except action without context, stakes or anything else the reader would know or care about. So, why should we care?
Now, on to other things. Ishmael: first son of Abraham and Hagar. Often believed to be the son God demands Abraham sacrifice. In the Muslim faith he is regarded as the first to begin the sanctification of the area around Mecca. What his name has to do with a dude going on a whaling trip is beyond me. I cannot think of any significance there--unless someone else knows.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
