posted
I'm curious about something. (Maybe this belongs in F&F)
Here are two sentences from a paragraph: Air whistled and squeaked as it fled the bus. Neil's ears popped, each breath tasted crisp...
One person said that it's a POV problem, it's almost as if air has become the character. Because previously I established the POV character, I didn't think I needed to say: Neil heard air whistle and squeak...
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited January 16, 2006).]
posted
If you have established a 3rd person limited POV then I would say that is a violation because everything needs to be centered on the MC and how it effected them.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
On the contrary, if Neil is the POV character, then the assumption is that anything that happens or is described is seen by that character. The point is, you only say things about "the air" that Neil notices and is affected by. What you have is fine.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
I would have to agree with wbriggs. Ignore the criticism. One thing that I became aware of quite quickly is that critiquers often seem to be on a mission to find problems. Sometimes we all overreach when we critique, or overstate what truly is a minor issue, if it is one at all.
These sentences seem perfectly fine to me and gives the reader a closer connection with the POV character, as long as the identity of the POV character has been made clear. Many very good authors use the technique, and I'd encourage the use of it.
[This message has been edited by luapc (edited January 16, 2006).]
posted
So apparently the bus came from a different elevation or through an atomospheric disturbance of some kind? Is this some kind of space bus? Sorry. But yeah, the POV issue is fine. I'm just wondering where he is and why the atomospheric effects on him are the most noticeable thing.
Posts: 366 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
This sounds hokey and I hope it's handled better than what I'm about to say, but bottom line: The bus collides with an interdimensional entity, who accidently transfers them into another universe. By that time, it has no idea where they came from, or where to put 'em. So yeah, the bus ends up in vacuum for a bit.
Posts: 1275 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
The 2 lines you posted above do not create a POV conflict. Convincing 3rd person can be maintained even if the MC is not the subject of every single sentence in the narrative.
The only possible reason I can imagine for your critiquer's comment might relate to the weight of the description of the air's sonic performance in proportion to the rest of the paragraph (but without the context of the paragraph, I really couldn't say). If you want to get some use out of his/her comment, you might see if the description of the air overbalances the scene in which it appears.
posted
No violation encountered. The lines don't establish POV, but you only need to do that once for each new POV segment (please note that a interuption of POV such as a scene shift or flashback can require starting a new POV segment even if the same POV character is used in both segments).
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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