A month ago, when I noticed that I was nearing 20,000, I thought that I might have something different to landmark about. I wasn’t exactly dating – can it be dating when you have not yet met? – but I was spending hours and hours each week on the phone with someone I was seriously considering marrying. It was promising enough that I was daydreaming and planning possible timelines.
Since then, we moved from not-exactly-dating to actual-in-person-dating to not-dating-anymore. But it’s not really about the guy I’m not dating, or even about the fact that I won’t be marrying him. Or anyone else, right now.
It’s about the fact that I’ve discovered I’m really ok with that.
Way back on my 6000 landmark, it was noted that I “needed a man” – a sentiment I agreed with.
I don’t agree with it anymore. While I would still very much like to find and marry someone I could have a healthy, stable marriage with, I have realized that being single is not so very terrible as all that. Because I could have married that guy. For him, being single IS so terrible that even a pretty ok marriage would be better than that. (At least, that seemed to be how he felt.) Even though I was not really what he had in mind (in some pretty significant ways), he so wants to be married, that he was willing to overlook many things (and try to change others, which is a whole other problem).
And I realized that I didn’t want someone who settled for me. Who figured I was as good as he was going to get, and I was ok. And I certainly didn’t want someone about whom I felt much the same.
I’m not as desperate to get married as I thought I was. I have a good job, wonderful kids whom I love and who love me, awesome parents, and supportive friends. I even have a job I like!
I have a good life. And that’s a pretty cool thing to figure out. Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on November 01, 2006 02:01 AM:
Congratulations on 20,000! And I'm glad that your life is good and you know it.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on November 01, 2006 02:30 AM:
I'm really glad for you, Rivka.
From what I know of you from our online interaction, you are far too a fantastic person to ever settle for someone who doesn't recognise that.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on November 01, 2006 02:42 AM:
I'm glad you're happy.
And imogen's right. You're awesome. I'd marry you. If I wasn't Mormon. And a woman. And already married. And too bossy to get along with you if I lived with you anyway.
(Wow, I'm getting deja vu. Did I say that already at some point in the past?)
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on November 01, 2006 02:58 AM:
Kudos on the 20,000 and happiness found. Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on November 01, 2006 07:13 AM:
Very cool and congrats. Here's to not settling!
oh and, from your linked 2004 birthday post (by Dagonee):
quote: rivka, you realize at the rate you and Bob have historically posted, you'll catch up with him on July 13, 2009 with 35,654 posts?
Apparently he's allowed trivial stuff like marriage and fatherhood to slow him down -- with his current 21966 posts, looks like he's in danger of being caught up with way before 2009!
(OK, so I'm supposed to be out walking but my partner postponed by 30 minutes--what am I supposed to do with that time, read the paper or something?)
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on November 01, 2006 08:12 AM:
Congratulations on not settling.
And, um, is it my imagination, or is your thread title a direct take-off from a long-ago thread title by me? Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on November 01, 2006 08:17 AM:
Happy 20k, and happy change of perspective.
[edited because I woke up and realized I used the wrong word]
[ November 01, 2006, 08:40 AM: Message edited by: El JT de Spang ]
Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on November 01, 2006 08:27 AM:
Happy 20,000th, Rivka! You're a rich and interesting person and you deserve the genuine article, not a generic role-filler.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on November 01, 2006 08:39 AM:
Congratulations, rivka! Smile at yourself in the mirror for me next time you go by.
Posted by Dr Strangelove (Member # 8331) on November 01, 2006 08:46 AM:
Congratulations on the 20,000 posts and neato realization .
Posted by Stray (Member # 4056) on November 01, 2006 08:46 AM:
Congrats on 20K, and I'm really glad you're so happy with yourself Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on November 01, 2006 08:51 AM:
Rivka! huzzah! huzzah! huzzah!
I'm thrilled for you!
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on November 01, 2006 08:57 AM:
That's such a great realization to have come to. Congratulations, rivka!
Posted by vwiggin (Member # 926) on November 01, 2006 09:05 AM:
I'm happy that you're happy. Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on November 01, 2006 09:13 AM:
That's awesome, rivka. Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on November 01, 2006 09:14 AM:
Awesome, rivka. Congratulations.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on November 01, 2006 09:23 AM:
Yay, rivka! Congratulations!
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on November 01, 2006 09:27 AM:
Rivka, I've thought you were awesome since way before I ever knew you.
Your awesomeness quotient has gained even more points with this landmark, though.
Mazel Tov on your 20K!
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on November 01, 2006 09:32 AM:
(((Rivka))) Posted by ginette (Member # 852) on November 01, 2006 09:37 AM:
Yeah, same as Icarus rivka : Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on November 01, 2006 09:55 AM:
Happy 20K sweetie! Hatrack wouldn't be the same without you. I am glad you're happy!
And yes Anne, you did say that before. You said you'd hypothetically marry Rivka based on ONE post. Can one be easy and bossy at the same time? Posted by Stephan (Member # 7549) on November 01, 2006 10:05 AM:
Great post, congrats!
Posted by cmc (Member # 9549) on November 01, 2006 10:07 AM:
Holy Canoli that's a lot of posts!!!
Nice work.
And what a great actualization to come to... not many people accept that their life is good as is and lose out on that 'I'm me and I'm good enough as I am' feeling while searching for the ever elusive 'more'. How cool that you realized...
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on November 01, 2006 10:12 AM:
Here! Here! *raises glass to toast rivka and single-hood*
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on November 01, 2006 10:17 AM:
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on November 01, 2006 10:22 AM:
Congrats. On the landmark and on the decision. It's a good place to be.
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on November 01, 2006 10:32 AM:
Congratulations! Posted by sarahdipity (Member # 3254) on November 01, 2006 10:38 AM:
quote: And I realized that I didn’t want someone who settled for me. Who figured I was as good as he was going to get, and I was ok. And I certainly didn’t want someone about whom I felt much the same.
*toasts to that*
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on November 01, 2006 11:35 AM:
Congratz on your 20K.
You do realize the last time someone posted an "I'm OK single, and like it that way" post was DKW, about a year before she and Bob got married.
Posted by ReikoDemosthenes (Member # 6218) on November 01, 2006 11:49 AM:
Congratulations, rivka! I am definitely proud of your decision and resolution. I do hope you find someone without either of you settling and I'm very glad that you are content where you are for now. It's great being able to know you Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on November 01, 2006 11:59 AM:
Congratulations on 20,000 and realizing that you're too special to settle.
*raises glass* Here's to another 20,000.
Posted by Nighthawk (Member # 4176) on November 01, 2006 12:01 PM:
"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
Congrats nonetheless.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on November 01, 2006 12:18 PM:
Uprooted, Bob may have slowed his posting rate, but so have I. Anyway, I doubt I'll ever catch up with Tom. And Dagonee has left me in the dust. I figure I might catch Katie, but that's mostly because she had that Lady Jane alt for a while. So it doesn't really count.
quote:Originally posted by quidscribis: And, um, is it my imagination, or is your thread title a direct take-off from a long-ago thread title by me?
quote:Originally posted by Dan_raven: You do realize the last time someone posted an "I'm OK single, and like it that way" post was DKW, about a year before she and Bob got married.
The thought had occurred to me. However, I'm fairly certain that I will not be finding a spouse on Hatrack.
Despite Anne's lovely offer.
To all the rest of you, thanks for being some of those supportive friends I mentioned. Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on November 01, 2006 01:41 PM:
And Kama admitted she stole it from Quid.....
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on November 01, 2006 03:34 PM:
You could always marry Adam
This really is a lovely landmark. I think i"m odd that I've never really though in the terms of "I need a boyfriend to keep me happy"
Oh, the trends I start... Posted by Little_Doctor (Member # 6635) on November 01, 2006 10:12 PM:
Everybody was going with the hat guy. So I thought I would change things up a bit. Congrats!
Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on November 01, 2006 11:45 PM:
Congrats rivka, on the happiness and the posts. Posted by Miro (Member # 1178) on November 02, 2006 12:34 AM:
quote:Originally posted by rivka: I have a good life. And that’s a pretty cool thing to figure out.
That certainly is. Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on November 02, 2006 03:14 AM:
quid, yup. All your fault.
Well, really it's Noemon's. Wasn't it he who suggested the thread title?
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on November 02, 2006 03:45 AM:
Hmm. Let me check...
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on November 02, 2006 03:50 AM:
quote:Originally posted by Noemon I've never been to Hong Kong, so I don't have any advice, but where are you going in SE Asia? How long will you be there? What'll you be doing there? I would *love* to be going to SE Asia. Well, certain parts of it, anyway.
Yeah, I suppose he did.
ETA: Nope, it wasn't...
quote:Originally posted by Lissande: This has to be the most backhanded "Dear Hatrack I'm getting married and moving to Sri Lanka" thread I've ever seen.
Oh yeah, and congratulations!
from further down the page.
Posted by Lissande (Member # 350) on November 02, 2006 04:26 AM:
...finally some recognition...
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on November 02, 2006 04:46 AM:
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on November 02, 2006 10:28 AM:
Sorry, Lissa!
Don't think I've ever confused YOU with Noem before! *laugh*
Posted by Lissande (Member # 350) on November 02, 2006 02:57 PM:
Can't imagine why not - we're both witty and entirely too charming for our own good, ne?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on November 02, 2006 03:09 PM:
Definitely! And you both have an "e" in your name!
Posted by Lissande (Member # 350) on November 02, 2006 03:16 PM:
AND an n. Just saying.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on November 02, 2006 04:03 PM:
My heartiest congratulations Rivka
Epiphanies are a welcome addition to anybody's life.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on November 02, 2006 07:51 PM:
My word! 20,000 posts! And what a terrific realization. Rather freeing, isn't it? *smile*(((rivka)))
Posted by Diana Bailey (Member # 8313) on November 16, 2006 10:39 AM:
Thanks, Rivka, for helping your technically handicapped friend find this post. As someone who has known, admired and yeah, loved you for over twenty years, I am delighted for you and I know that your life will always be rich in friends, family and faith. Congratulations!
Posted by Libbie (Member # 9529) on November 16, 2006 10:42 AM:
Here's to being happy with a great life, rivka! Good for you for having the confidence and health to love your life. The right guy will come along when the time is right. Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on November 16, 2006 11:51 AM:
Diana Love you too.
quote: The right guy will come along when the time is right.
That would be nice. And if not, not so terrible either.
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on November 16, 2006 01:58 PM:
aw, I missed this. glad you're happy
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on November 16, 2006 05:01 PM:
<creeps out to make a post> Congrats on your 20K post Rivka, but more importantly congrats on not settling for something less than you deserve. You have my utmost respect and I wish you happiness and fulfillment in your life.
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congratulations!
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