************************* Once upon a time, a girl went to college having never been on a date, or been kissed. She speculated a lot to herself about why that was, deciding it was probably a combination of some extreme social awkwardness and a certain level of intimidation. In the end, though, she was driven enough toward her goals that she wasn't too concerned about it. She loved romance, though, and hoped that college would the place where she would meet a boy who was interested in being more than just friends.
In the second or third week of her freshman year, she was riding the elevator in the school of music upstairs to her theory class, when a rather cute boy on the elevator with her turned to her quite suddenly and said, "Hey, you play cello, don't you?" The girl was a little taken aback (since she didn't have her cello with her at the time, and couldn't remember seeing this boy ever before), but said, cautiously, "Yes, yes, I do." The boy introduced himself; he was a composer looking for someone who played cello so that he could understand the instrument a little better (at least...that was what he told her at the time). They made brief small talk, and the girl went on to class, not really thinking much of the encounter.
Then, after several of her classes, the boy "just happened to be walking by," even classes on the other side of campus. The girl was both flattered and disturbed by this, but she and the boy had a lot in common, so they ended up walking places together and chatting. Still, the girl, who was more than a little naive when it came to boys, assumed that he was just being friendly--that he really had "just happened to be walking by."
Eventually, after a couple of weeks, the boy told the girl that he liked her (you know, he liked her!). The girl was excited--not so much because of this specific boy, but because someone (anyone) had shown an interest in her. They went on a few outings that could be counted as dates, and at the end of one of them, he kissed her. She was completely thrilled, despite the fact that there was some weirdness on the part of the boy (and, as it turned out, that was a major understatement).
Then, about a week later, the boy came over while the girl was cooking dinner. Standing in the kitchen of her tiny campus apartment, he looked at her, looked down at the floor and said, "I like you. Your personality is really perfect for me. But...I'm really sorry...I can't date you."
The girl was, naturally, shocked. What on earth did that mean? She asked him.
"Because...well...you're not pretty enough."
The girl was deeply hurt...but, if she was completely honest with herself, not entirely surprised. Her opinion of herself in the looks department had never been that great, so why should she expect this boy to think any differently? Sure, it was a little callous the way he said it (another major understatement), but at least he was being honest, right?
The boy wanted to keep being friends, since they got along so well, and so they did. For the next two years, they were together enough that everyone around them believed they were dating, even when each of them was dating other people. For a long time, the girl hoped it was a phase, and the boy would eventually get over it. The boy dated other girls, and the girl was as supportive as she could be, since she wasn't actually dating him--only friends, we're only friends, she told herself.
However, when the girl dated other boys, the boy was inevitably nasty and jealous. He called them names, and said they were stupid (knowing how much the girl valued intelligence), and said they would never understand her, since they weren't musicians. He did everything in his power to break up the girl and whoever she happened to be dating. Once, the girl ironically suggested that she should date John, the boy's best friend from high school, because the boy wouldn't disapprove of him. The boy looked at her, and only halfway joking, said, "Yeah, but then I'd have to disapprove of him."
When the two weren't dating other people, they were generally together. They did everything together, much as a dating couple would, and everyone who knew them believed they were dating, in fact, if not in name. The boy was often without money, and the girl, who had a really good stipend from the school, ended up paying for a large number of his meals during those two years. He always said he'd pay her back some day, or take her to a really nice dinner the next time he got a windfall, but somehow that never materialized.
During those two years, they had some monumentally dramatic fights, usually about their pseudo-relationship. They "broke up" and decided not to speak to each other ever again, numerous times. During two of those fights, the boy actually hit the girl--something that should've clued the girl in that it was time to get as far away from him as she could--but instead she stuck around. The boy knew exactly how to say things that would rip the girl's heart to shreds, and exactly what to say to draw her back. He gave her just enough slack that she'd start to make a clean break...and then he'd reel her back in.
Then, finally, in the summer after her second year at college, the girl met another boy who loved her exactly as she was, and wanted to marry her. She felt the same way about him, and they got engaged. And the girl was very, very happy.
The first boy was furious. He told her she was being stupid, that she knew nothing about the guy, that she was doing this far too quickly, that he wasn't a muscian and would never understand her. She pointed out that he'd always argued that there was a fate, and a one right person for everyone, and this was her one right person. His response was, "Yeah, but I wouldn't ...I wouldn't...get engaged right after I met them!!"
The break was made, though; the girl no longer cared what the boy thought. She looked at him and said, "What this really boils down to is that you don't want me to be happy, when you're not." The boy spluttered. The girl walked away.
They still saw each other, but it was as acquaintances, not friends...and the girl really was very, very happy with the boy she eventually married...but that's another landmark.
*********************
I told this story in third person because I firmly believe that I am no longer the girl that I was when this happened to me. In retrospect, I recognize the relationship as emotionally abusive, and there are things relating to it that I still need to deal with. This is one of those steps in dealing with it.
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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I'm glad you met someone who realizes how pretty you are and loves you for you.
And my two cents on marrying a non-musician: it can get a little annoying when he sings horrendously off-key, but it's cute that he tries. It can be annoying when he doesn't know 3/4 from 4/4, but at least I get to be right about stuff like that. Go you!
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Congratulations on the landmark, and on writing it, and on making the clean break from the jerk. You're one of the people whose posts I always enjoy reading.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Oh, and not all composer-types are like this. At least I hope not...
I had a similar experience a long time ago with someone who didn't want to date me, but didn't want me to date anyone else either. Very selfish, self-centered type of person.
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First of all, it wasn't THAT long! It's a landmark, it's supposed to be a little longer than the usual posts anyway!
And second, thank you for sharing this with us. I'm glad you passed that phase and that you found happiness. Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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Yeah - there are so many guys out there that are controlling jerks. I'm sorry you had to come across one so early in life. Glad you were smart enough to finally get away, and find true happiness with someone who treats you right.
posted
You ARE a different person Megan with so much confidence and poise. And don't even suggest that I can't tell these things about you just by reading your posts on this forum, because that's just hogwash!
Here's a secret: I admire you so much for doing what you're doing and being such a great musician and veritable fountain of knowledge. Way to get your doctorate, way to teach theory to crazy freshmen, way to be someone whose opinion and presence makes Hatrack a better place to be. (((Megan)))
Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
Thanks for sharing such a powerful story. I like you a lot and always enjoy reading your posts on here. (((Megan)))
Posts: 957 | Registered: Aug 2002
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AJ: Thank you! I'm definitely a vastly different person than I was then.
KQ: I'm of the opinion that musician/musician relationships succeed only in the rarest and most dedicated of cases. By and large, there tends to be far too much drama.
JT: heehee...I could be a Lifetime Movie of the Week! Just goes to show you that drama comes more naturally in the teens and early twenties.
Ryoko: Certainly not! I've met plenty of other nice composers, yourself not the least. (Oh, and I would count you as one of the rare exceptions to the musician/musician thing! )
Farmgirl: Thanks! Immediately afterward, I was a little upset with myself that I wasn't perceptive enough to see what he was doing to me right away, and that it took something as dramatic as Jim's entrance into my life to make that break possible...but in the end, it all worked out.
Trevor: Thanks And just think, you can actually say you've met him...don't know whether that's a plus or not...
Narnia: Aw, gee whiz!! Thank you very much!
Stray: I like you, too!
And, just so everyone knows, I had to trim this post down because I had more than the eight graemlins allowed per post initially. o_O
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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Oh, for those who are curious, the real reason he introduced himself to me in the elevator was because, at the time, I was a relatively small girl with a relatively substantial chest.
One of my first (but certainly not last) experiences with guys who have conversations with my chest.
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Never having met with you but having interacted with you to a small extent, I think you're a good and worthy person, and I'm sorry you met the scumbag before you realized that instead of after. Thanks for sharing:)
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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(((Megan))) Wow, this gives me confidence, because I'm close to that naive and uncomfortable at times, and it shows I can come out of it.
Posts: 5362 | Registered: Apr 2004
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Megan, thanks for opening up and sharing that with us. I am so glad you got free of the abusive guy and found your true love.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Sarah, it's a hard lesson to learn, and I think everyone learns it differently (maybe less dramatically, if they're lucky). In the end, though, it is possible to come through...not unchanged, but if you were unchanged, then you wouldn't have profited from the experience. That's the generic you, not you specifically.
</babble>
One thing I should clarify--it was emotional abuse, not physical. I would never presume to put my situation in the same category as someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship. To me, that sort of situation involves a lot more control through fear than emotional abuse...which is primarily control through emotional manipulation. I'm not saying it wasn't abusive; it's just that I see them as entirely separate categories.
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Wow, Megan... that's quite a story! I can't believe he actually told you you're not pretty enough (first of all, I personally think you're gorgeous!)... but not only did he say that, that you were sweet enough to stay friends with him after something like that! *hugs* Thanks for the landmark, I enjoyed reading it.
I hate to disagree with you in your own landmark, but you said he hit you.
While there may well (and unfortunately) be much more severe forms of physical abuse, you were physically abused and minimizing that fact doesn't help anyone, including you.
But, again, good on you for your courage to take the reins of your life. Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
You make a good point, Jim-me; I guess it just seems to me that my situation was vastly different from someone who lives through years of habitual abuse. It stems from the same source, of course, but it didn't bring the same level of terror that I see in people who have been in physically abusive relationships.
Raia, honestly, at the time, it didn't even occur to me to think he might be wrong. At the time, I thought that he was just being insensitive for saying it out loud. And thanks, you're pretty hot, too. Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Thanks for sharing a part of your life that can help others. I'm glad that you were able to find the right one and get on with your life.
Posts: 747 | Registered: Aug 2004
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No problem, Megan, just a distinction I thought was important... I hope it didn't come off as negative towards you, which is the farthest thing from my intent.
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Thank you, SO...I'm glad, too. It wasn't a fun way to do that bit of growing up.
*hugs* to you, too.
adam, I know that a lot of guys don't do it on purpose, and honestly, unless it's REALLY obvious I don't even notice it so much anymore.
Posts: 4077 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Megan you know you are gorgeous inside and out. I am glad that the girl you used to be has grown into the woman you are now. (((Megan)))
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Great story, Megan. It almost reads like a fairy tale: boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, boy disses girl, girl has last laugh and lives happily ever after.
I'm glad you saw the light and didn't let Speaker-to-chests ruin your happiness.
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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Even having heard most of it in bits and pieces, it's so neat to hear it told all at once. I'm so glad you decided to write it.
You already know I feel this way, but I think you are one of the most truly cool people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and I'm so glad I've had the chance to get to know you. Thanks for being a friend. Posts: 186 | Registered: Dec 2000
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posted
Thanks for sharing that Megan. I'm glad you seperated yourself from someone that didn't love and appreciate you for all that you are. Don't berate yourself for your past actions. Allowing that relationship to continue doesn't make you silly or sad. Sometimes we do things we wish we hadn't but if we learn from those mistakes we can perhaps use our hard won knowledge to help others.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
And as for the relationship not being physically abusive...if one partner strikes another, that is physical abuse in my book.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Megan That's for having the courage to share this with us. It's very well written.
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