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Well, this is it. In my two years here at Hatrack, I’ve seen a lot of landmarks come and go. Now my post count has finally reached 1,000 and it is my turn. I feel inadequate in the face of amazing stories that others have shared. I have no such stories; I cannot point to any one event and say, “This is what made me who I am. This is me.” I find that the events of my life are more like the grains of sand that add up to make a beach than a range of mountains. I will try to tell you about some of the slightly larger rocks I’ve encountered along the way.
My real name is Amy Teegarden, and I was born in 1985 in California, the firstborn of two electrical engineers. I am definitely a valley girl—Silicon Valley, that is. Whether it’s a result of my birthplace, my genes, or my upbringing, I am and will always be a geek.
Although I was fairly outgoing as a very young child, I have always been somewhat of an introvert. Ever since I learned to read, books have been my closest companions. As I once wrote in an essay explaining how much reading means to me, “Through books, I can fulfill the dreams that will never come true in this world. I have been an astronaut, and I have visited every planet in the solar system. I have seen the inside of a black hole and experienced the strange relativistic effects of lightspeed travel. I have experienced a multitude of eras, past, present, and future. I have lived with the dinosaurs and spoken with aliens. I have been to the bottom of the Mariana Trench and the top of Everest. I have journeyed to the center of the earth and traveled around the world in 80 days. I have lived countless lifetimes and toured the infinite reaches of the cosmos while lying on a faded blue couch.”
I assume it’s okay to plagiarize myself?
Indirectly, reading has given me another gift: this place, where I finally feel that I am among my own kind. While I have learned much about social interaction and get along quite well with my real-life friends, many of whom are far more normal than I am, there’s something special about meeting Jatraqueros. Even though we come from all sorts of racial, religious, and political backgrounds, we all love to think, imagine, read, and argue. People who can talk to me about the things I care deeply about, who become more rather than less impressed when I tell a pun, who understand why it’s hilarious when Heisenberg tells the police officer who pulled him over that he knows exactly where he is. I am continually amazed at the thoughtfulness and compassion of the people here, and I am honored to be a member of this community.
Perhaps the sense of not belonging is increased by the fact that I do not have many groups to identify with. I am in the minority when it comes to which hand I prefer to use, but there’s not much of a left-hander community out there. Actually, I wish we were better organized because for some reason it’s still legal to discriminate against me. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to either have those silly desks stretch all the way across my body so I can write comfortably. Or they could find me a left-handed desk. But the university seems content to ignore my request for one because left-handers are not a well-organized or protected group.
I do not identify well with most members of my sex. As a geek, my interests tend towards activities and ideas that are seen as masculine. I have always enjoyed science, math, computers, and science fiction. I rarely dress up or wear makeup, I hate shopping, and I don’t like chick flicks. Except for the Princess Bride, and that really doesn’t qualify, does it? So I do not feel the same sort of bonding with “girlfriends” that other women do. In fact, I’ve always had a tendency to hang out with guys; I would generally prefer to be the only girl in a group full of guys than spend a lot of time with a bunch of other girls. Unless the guys in question are watching a football game and the girls are discussing the latest news on extrasolar planets. So again, it all comes down to the fact that I feel more comfortable with other geeks. I’ve always felt a little insecure about the fact that I am not like other girls and don’t always get along with them, but mostly I have come to accept this about myself. I am who I am, and I am not obligated to act a certain way because everyone else with two x chromosomes does.
Then too, I don’t really belong to any particular racial group. I fit into mainstream American culture (well, mainstream American geek culture anyway), and I look fairly white, so I suppose I could identify with this group. But I can’t deny that my Japanese heritage still affects me, even generations after my ancestors came to this country. And I suppose that being biracial has given me a unique perspective. Thinking about it one day, I came to the odd realization that most multiracial children don’t actually share a racial group with their parents. Neither of my parents has personal experience of what it is like to be two different races. And without a strong group identity, and with the example of my parents, who are almost frighteningly similar in many ways, I have come to see racial differences as unimportant when people have plenty of other things in common.
My faith has also shaped my life, but even in the religious community I do not quite fit in. I suspect that my code of ethics would be much the same without religious influence, but it gives me comfort to believe that my life has meaning beyond what I give it. Of course, my faith has also given me a few neuroses, but perhaps I’d better save that for another time. It’s also interesting trying to have faith at all, since I tend to be a fairly rational person. I have doubts all the time, but for me it comes down to this: I deeply believe Christianity is a religion of love and reconciliation, and those ideas worth believing in even if the material universe is all that there is and humanity is on its own. Perhaps they are even more vital if there is no God.
Let me tell you about one of the more life-changing things that happened to me. Now as I look back on it, I think my problems started when I was perhaps ten or eleven and just starting to go through puberty. Middle school is rarely a good time in a person’s life; I had few friends, wasn’t at a school that was right for me, and the hormones were starting to kick in. But by all rights, I should have been happy enough. I have no right to be depressed. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me, and I have been given many natural gifts that others lack. But gradually my feelings soured, and one dreary day during my sophomore year in high school, I broke down crying when a teacher asked me how I was doing. Long story short, I got hauled off to the counselor, saw a psychologist, and ended up on medication. The change is absolutely amazing. I got my life back that year, and I am eternally grateful to everyone who helped me.
I suppose another fairly major event occurred a few weeks shy of my seventh birthday. I still remember the day my parents told me we were moving. I lay on my bed and cried, and I think I tried to talk them out of it. The experience of leaving my friends, my house, my school, my city, everything that was familiar was very sad for me. That year, I discovered that nothing was permanent, but I also learned how to adapt to change. Now that I’ve spent nearly twice as much of my life in Oregon as I have in California, I am much happier about the move. Even though I am not native, I think I will always consider myself an Oregonian. I also realize that I would never have had all the wonderful experiences or met the people that I did if I had stayed in California. I suppose I don’t know what I missed out on by not staying there, but I don’t think I’d trade my years growing up in Corvallis for anything.
I believe that going to Crescent Valley High School was one of the best things that ever happened to me. That is the place where I finally met people my age who understood or at least accepted me. It is where I learned to think for myself rather than blindly following the lead of students or other teachers. It is where I was presented with exciting challenges and knowledge. Somehow, it seems that I aged a lot more than four years in that time. No, I was not held back.
When I was a junior, the school began considering a change in the schedule. At the time, the school used a block schedule—classes lasted for an hour and a half, but there were only four every day and they were over in a semester, or a quarter. I knew that I didn’t like the proposed changes and neither did most of my friends. I was not used to opposing much of anything, but I decided almost on a whim to write up a petition to stop this. I listed several reasons why I thought the current schedule was better than the proposed one. Out of a school of 1,100, my friends and I managed to collect a few hundred signatures. The school kept the schedule mostly the same, and while cost was probably the major factor in this decision, I suspect that administrators were influenced by the petition. I realized for the first time how much power there was in protest and in making my concerns known to those in charge.
During my senior year, I became copy editor of the yearbook. This was an incredible learning experience for me, especially since I am not a good leader. My tendency was to lead through example and through loyalty. I told people to do things and I expected them to comply, simply because I was highly competent and if I said something needed to be done, it did. Or at the very least, the fact that I was working just as hard as they were and needed to delegate should have convinced them. What I discovered was that most people responded better to the carrot-and-stick method. I had plenty of other duties besides bossing people around. Along with the other two editors, I had the responsibility of designing the cover. We kicked around ideas for months, played with shades of gold and red (school colors) to get them just right, and finally had something put together. I had been expressing some mild doubt about the cover, and on the day it was due at the plant, I said that I was not excited about it, but if the others wanted to go ahead, I would not protest. We ended up completely redoing the cover over the space of eight hours that day; the final product was an elegant black with night shots of the school. We all love it. It was exciting to take the books out of the shipping boxes at the end of the year and see this work of art we created. I learned that if something doesn’t work, it’s important to have the courage to throw it all out and start over if necessary. I know now that I must speak my mind if I feel strongly about something, even if it might offend another person. Likewise, I need to listen to the concerns of others and take them seriously. Who knows? They might be right.
And now, here I am in college, a sophomore bioengineering major. It isn’t as hard as they told me it would be, and perhaps not quite as exciting as some people think it is, here at “party school” Arizona State University. Given my vulnerability to homesickness and my deep attachment to my family, I thought that I would have a great deal of trouble living away from home. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I talk with my family all the time, and the dorm became almost a second home to me. I have made some friends and experienced a new place. I’m not learning as much in class as I did in high school, but I am expanding my horizons and trying new things. I am learning to deal with instructors who are not hired for their teaching skills, students who do not care about their classes, and people who have very different ideas from my own.
So, Hatrack. This is me. This is the person behind the screenname. The grains of sand flow with each passing day, changing me just a little bit each time.
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Congratulations Strong Bad on your 100th emai- I mean, congratulations Shigosei on your 1000th post! You've always been a great sister. Posts: 1466 | Registered: Jan 2003
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Great Landmark, Shig. I really identified with the biracial aspects of your post, as well as the "moving to new places" parts. You're an awesome person, and I'm glad I got to hang out with you for a bit when I was in Oregon. Stick around! Posts: 1595 | Registered: Feb 2003
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I know quite a few ladies of mixed Japanese ancestry who don't wear makeup. They don't need it.
I've spent a few weeks in Corvallis on a job. There's a stinky paper mill in nearby Lebanon.
I guess living in Tempe has you missing the rain. Maybe you'll get to meet Derrell and the rest of the AZ Jatraqueros.
Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Hey, Zotto! Yeah, the Portland signing was such a blast. You'll have to come back to Oregon sometime when I'm home from school. Or maybe I'll find time to see you next time I'm in Hawaii. What island are you on right now?
Skillery, thanks for the implied compliment . Anyhow, I know that paper mill well. I've held my breath many times while passing by it. And I don't miss the rain much. In fact, I rather enjoy the fact that I can see the sun all year long here. I will be meeting some of the AZ Jatraqueros tomorrow! I'm so excited!
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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quote:So I do not feel the same sort of bonding with “girlfriends” that other women do. In fact, I’ve always had a tendency to hang out with guys; I would generally prefer to be the only girl in a group full of guys than spend a lot of time with a bunch of other girls.
Hey, me too! I wish some people wouldn't think that was weird.
I haven't had the chance to talk to you much, but you seem like an awesome person, and I always enjoy your posts. Congratulations on 1000, and hopefully many more. Posts: 1431 | Registered: Aug 2003
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Very nice landmark. I know what you mean about learning to accept change. I'm glad all your changes have worked out so well for you.
Of course, the change you mentioned involved moving to Oregon, the greatest state in the nation, so I guess you kind of cheated. Posts: 2804 | Registered: May 2003
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quote: I will be meeting some of the AZ Jatraqueros tomorrow! I'm so excited!
Me too! *squeal*
Oh wait, I might be scaring you away with that display of girliness.
At any rate, I'm luckier because not only did I get to read about the person behind the screen name, I get to meet her personally. It's going to be great.
quote:I am in the minority when it comes to which hand I prefer to use, but there’s not much of a left-hander community out there. Actually, I wish we were better organized because for some reason it’s still legal to discriminate against me. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to either have those silly desks stretch all the way across my body so I can write comfortably. Or they could find me a left-handed desk. But the university seems content to ignore my request for one because left-handers are not a well-organized or protected group.
Keep trying!
*hugs*
I enjoyed reading about you. You're an extremely interesting person!
Posts: 3771 | Registered: Sep 2002
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quote: So I do not feel the same sort of bonding with “girlfriends” that other women do. In fact, I’ve always had a tendency to hang out with guys; I would generally prefer to be the only girl in a group full of guys than spend a lot of time with a bunch of other girls. Unless the guys in question are watching a football game and the girls are discussing the latest news on extrasolar planets. So again, it all comes down to the fact that I feel more comfortable with other geeks.
There needs to be more geeky girls out there! I have trouble bonding with "girly girls" myself, but "non-girly girls" I get along with quite comfortably.
Thanks for sharing with us a few precious grains from your collection! I appreciated knowing more about you.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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It is good to know you better, Shig. I hope the studies go well for you and the next chapter in your life is as exciting and meaningful as this one is.
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I got to read this IRL (on Paper) at the dorm. I'm so cool. Shigosei has now spent more real life time with me than any other hatracker. Except my brother. Way to go, I think it is great when someone doesn't zoom to 1000 overnight. Not that there is anything wrong with my way Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Thanks, tt&t. I've enjoyed talking to you in chat on occasion. And yeah, it would be nice if people didn't think hanging out with a bunch of guys is weird. Or make assumptions that your close guy friends are your boyfriends.
Speed, you are completely right about Oregon being the best state in the union, except when it rains. I can't stand not seeing the sun for five months. I can't remember...are you from Portland?
Pooka and PSI: it was so much fun meeting you and your families, and Wendybird and her husband, and Architraz/Feyd. And it's kind of the same situation for me, Pooka...other than my brother (Mr. Funny) and Nato (classmate and friend) you're the Hatracker I've spend the most time with as well, I think.
Hey, Tammy. Thanks. I wonder if Dagonee could tell me if the university is legally obligated to do anything. Maybe I should start a thread.
Beverly, it does seem like that's the case in general with women at Hatrack. Maybe that's why we all get along so well with each other--we've finally found females who are just like us!
Alucard, thank you for your kind wishes!
Eduardo, it's been cool getting to know and your culture through your posts. Sorry to hear you're having a tough time, and I hope it gets better.
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Hahaha, what do you mean Oregon isn't awesome when it rains. I just got an awesome raincoat a couple weeks ago, and it's one of my best friends now.
It doesn't usually rain much in September, but I'm glad I was prepared. It practically poured the first week of marching band camp.
Also, remember that time it was left-handers vs. right-handers playing some trivial knowledge game in our pal's basement? We lefties totally cremed the righties.
I'm glad I met you (third grade was it?) The elementary school playground was way more awesome with you on it.
P.S. Thanks for letting me borrow a spare calculator when somebody ran mine over in their car. Posts: 1592 | Registered: Jan 2001
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I guess I'll sneakily bump this by replying to Nato, who by the way is directly responsible for my presence here, although I'm sure I would have found Hatrack eventually.
Well, you enjoy that rain then. I'd much rather see the sun, even if it is still too hot here.
Hehe...lefties rule! There certainly were a lot of us in our circle of friends.
And you're welcome for the loan of a calculator. Perhaps when I've facing hordes of indifferent(iable) equations that have an in-ordinate desire to limit my ability to function, you'll return the favor.
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Unlikely. There's a lottery for what's expected to be less than 20 tickets. I entered, of course, but given that there are 50,000 students here, I don't think the odds are very good.
Maybe I'll catch a glimpse of some important people when I look out the window of my dorm.
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Somehow I missed this the first time around. Thanks for sharing this. And I'm very jealeous of you getting to go to the debate.
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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quote:. I’ve always felt a little insecure about the fact that I am not like other girls
Well, not the loud giggly girly ones. *grin You are like plenty of other girls and women. Like you mentioned, Hatrack is the place to find your tribe.
quote:My faith has also shaped my life... It’s also interesting trying to have faith at all, since I tend to be a fairly rational person. I have doubts all the time, but for me it comes down to this: I deeply believe Christianity is a religion of love and reconciliation, and those ideas worth believing in even if the material universe is all that there is and humanity is on its own. Perhaps they are even more vital if there is no God.
I absolutely loved this paragraph. You really spoke to my core, and I think it is a beautiful testament to faith.
I'm ashamed to say this, but I had no idea you wrote so well. Thank goodness for landmarks!
So glad to really meet you, Shigosei.
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Dagonee, Mayday, and Sara, thanks for your comments. It's nice to know that people have read and appreciated my landmark!
Dag, I'll try to post pictures of the debate someday. I had a lovely scenic view of the Fox news platform.
Edit because Sara said some extremely nice things and I didn't take the time to reply properly. Shame on me.
It means a lot to me that what I said about my faith resonated with you. I admire you a lot as a person, and would probably apply to be your minion if I were the minion sort. The struggle to understand faith and God and all the issues surrounding religion has been hard and sometimes painful. I am glad that you consider the the ideas that have been born of this beautiful.
And you are right about Hatrack being a great place to find my tribe, and to discover that I'm not at all alone in the way I am.
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I'm glad you bumped this, because otherwise I would have missed it. I was in New Zealand when you posted it and also for the first few bumps. So...
quote:Thinking about it one day, I came to the odd realization that most multiracial children don’t actually share a racial group with their parents. Neither of my parents has personal experience of what it is like to be two different races.
It's funny, I'd never thought about that until now. My mother might empathize (she's Palestinian and Greek), but that makes me Palestinian, Greek, and Kiwi in varying portions. So I understand where you're coming from on this, especially since I was raised in a similar sort of "melting pot" (i.e., Canada). And it's also a bit strange because I mostly look like a white guy, so no one would guess my heritage unless they knew my name, and even then I get called "Roger" a lot. People will assume what they like, I guess.
It was really cool to get to know you a bit better through the landmark. Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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Well, I signed up for the forum after you made this, so yeah. Woohoo for archiving the landmark!!!
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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quote:It's funny, I'd never thought about that until now. My mother might empathize (she's Palestinian and Greek), but that makes me Palestinian, Greek, and Kiwi in varying portions. So I understand where you're coming from on this, especially since I was raised in a similar sort of "melting pot" (i.e., Canada). And it's also a bit strange because I mostly look like a white guy, so no one would guess my heritage unless they knew my name
It's weird, isn't it, Twinky? I also look rather white, and I enjoy getting people to guess my ethnicity (Hawaiian, Middle Eastern, and Hispanic being the top choices, though I've gotten Native American [probably the hair], Greek, and the occasional correct answer). Anyhow, last year I found out about one potentially serious problem with not sharing a racial group with most of my relatives: if I need a bone marrow transplant and my brothers are not a match for me, then I am in deep trouble, since matches are generally found with people of the same race. So all you minorities, especially multiracial ones, get out there and sign up for the bone marrow registry! It's free unless you're Caucasian, and all they do is take some information and prick your finger.
Shan and Boris, thanks! (Glad to have you here now, Boris!) All I wanted when I bumped this was to get this archived in the landmark forum. I wasn't expecting more replies and it was so exciting to get more.
quote:Keep being true to you!
It's interesting you put it this way, because that's a fairly important part of my personal philosophy. This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
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Great milestone. I have to say, you are wise beyond your years, or wise beyond where I was when I had your years. Posts: 720 | Registered: Oct 2004
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quote:So all you minorities, especially multiracial ones, get out there and sign up for the bone marrow registry! It's free unless you're Caucasian, and all they do is take some information and prick your finger.
May I ask why you say this? I'm caucasian, I'm on the bone marrow registry (signed up while donating blood) and have not paid anything unless you count the vial of blood used for typing.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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. Anyhow, I know that paper mill well. I've held my breath many times while passing by it. And I don't miss the rain much. In fact, I rather enjoy the fact that I can see the sun all year long here. I will be meeting some of the AZ Jatraqueros tomorrow! I'm so excited!
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Shigosei
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Woohoo for archiving the landmark!!!
