I'm unhappy with life, as I've known for some time now. What I don't know is why. Why the **** am I so discontented with my existence? At no time in history could I have it easier. I have an easy job, a relaxed life, as stress-free as I could want -- where does this ennui spill from? What the hell do I want to do with my life? I know I want to write, but what have I to write about? I've learned no life lessons worth knowing. I love Melville, but truth be told, that hack's formula barely rang true with him, and god knows he's had much more experience with life than I have.
I'm in the prime of my youth, at the crossroads of possibility in my life -- the choices I make now determine the course of the rest of my life. And goddammit, I'm not ready to make those choices. I'm not prepared to decide what I want to do with my life, nor how to go about doing it. And while I hem and haw about the establishment of value in my life, my youth, beauty, and strength slowly seep from my already-aging body, losing me the respect I demand, the power and confidence earned by beauty and given freely to the young.
I feel old. Not my young body, but upon these shoulders rests a heavy head, ridden by a hoary spirit. I'm tired, before my time; so damnably tired. And while I wander, chased by demons Responsibility and Legacy, I find no satisfaction in life. No pleasure but ephemeral illusions of love, strength, and power. No rest but that won by a frantic scramble away from my life, no matter where I am in the world, no matter what status I hold in the greater society. I find I dislike myself no matter whom I become. Not so much myself, no, I'm the only company I tolerate for extended periods of time, but I despise whatever weaknesses I hold. Not even hold; the attention I bequeath those flaws serves only to flaunt them, and thus exacerbate them, and serves only to deepen my disgust with my all-too-human frailties.
I've been truly beautiful only once in my life, to my recollection. When I was sixteen, and coming of age, I had a beauty I had never experienced before, nor, I think, I've experienced since. I had gained my height by that age, but my developing bones were still growing, and still delicate -- my cheekbones and jawbone were strong, but the delicate bone structures around my eyes were thin and visible, giving my head a streamlined appearance. I had played football that year, and my jaw muscles were well defined from constant chewing of the mouthpiece -- similarly, the rest of my body was ridiculously developed by morning weightlifting training. In the afternoon, I ran long-distance track, and from it won a brief, exaggerated phase of nearly absent body fat. No doubt I wasn't as attractive as I remember, nor do I have any illusions of being among the top ten most beautiful sixteen-year-olds I knew, but jesus, for me, it was freedom. I grew up overweight and awkward, more a bookworm than a runner, my few skills in sports won by my tremendous advantage in size and strength than actual athletic ability. I was the boy the girls never kissed in cootie tag -- I was the boy invited to only those parties in which the entire grade was invited. In short, I grew up awkward and miserable, only augmented by troubles at home in the miserable one-bedroom apartment I grew up in; I had just started puberty when my fourteen year old brother first started using steroids, and our series of fights gradually destroyed the shitty remains of the apartment. I don't know how many doors we had at the time -- eventually, we destroyed all of them save the front door and the one in front of the toilet. The others we destroyed by punching through them, throwing each other through them, yanking them off their hinges to throw at the other...
It was a miserable time. But here I was, the lonely loner, gifted for a time with beauty. Oh, jesus, there's no more seductive power in the world than the power granted by beauty. When you're beautiful, you're everyone's friend -- nobody thinks to distrust you. When you're beautiful, you have the invaluable gift of knowing you, you are what women think of when they think of sex appeal, when they're horny and need to think of someone attractive. There is no sweeter joy than that of knowing you can make others do what you want thanks to the power in your arms or the slimness of your waist. Even men, yes, there's no creature more eager to be your friend than the beta male. Charm is granted to the beautiful, no matter how uncharming they are in return; also friendship and love, no matter how undeserving. Beauty is wasted on the beautiful. I was as awkward as a teenager can be, but awkwardness in the beautiful is appealing. With that newfound, sweat-won power, I quickly grew arrogant and angry, as spoiled children often do. And spoiled I was. Not by the soft caress of a mother's love, which I grew up scarcely knowing, but by the seductive delight found in the glorious massage of compliment and companionship; never realizing that what can massage a spirit can break it, just as a stroked throat can too easily become the broken neck of a proud corpse. I still found reason to be unhappy in that time that should have been happiest, just as I still do today. No matter how slim or defined my body was, my spirit remains today what it was yesterday and probably will be tomorrow, the sad, restless pacing of my discontent in the limited expanse of my mind, its tread scarcely measured by my too-slow heartbeat.
But time went on, and my body grew out of its startling beauty. My bones developed, thickened. My body grew more powerful, true, and I grew ever larger, but I'm now of such size and proportion as to never be mistaken for beautiful again. Powerful, yes. Even handsome, when in absolutely perfect shape. But beautiful? I'll never have that again. If I ever had it -- it was a virgin experience for me, and no doubt exaggerated by the novel rush of power experienced for the first time by my immature self. But inside, I know I did. Or at least, I had the confidence stemming from the self-assuredness of beauty, which led others to mistake my body for beauty -- no matter what the means, the outcome was the same. The outcome I'll never experience again. Was that it? Jesus, was that all?
This is why I feel so damnably old, despite my relative youth. I've now lost a part of my life I'll never have back. It's hard to recognize that the pride I took in being mistaken for twenty-two when I was fifteen is now undeserved. That the looks and gasps of surprise by adults upon learning my age are gone forever, now that I've joined their ranks. If I were to discover the cure for cancer tomorrow, there may yet be some slight raise of the eyebrows -- I'm still young, after all. But tomorrow? The day after? In time, my age and intelligence will remain unremarked upon should I ever make such a discovery. Jesus. I'm not yet old enough to have miracles expected of me. Are there such things as twenty-year-old prodigies? Thirty-year-old? Forty-year-old?
I'm coming to terms with my newfound responsibility, as painful as it may be. Should I die without creating anything of value in this oh-so-brief passage of creative power granted to me by arbitrary and cruel Fate, what of it? Others have led insignificant lives as well, serving no purpose but consumption of the resources of the world and reproduction with another historically worthless bitch to leave spawn with no legacy but repetition of that worthless consumer existence. My own worthless existence will fade with, at best, an epitaph of disgust from oh-so-superior ****s like me; at worst, my existence will fade away unremarked and unnoticed.
What is this fixation on attention, anyway? I should be perfectly content to eat, shit, and die all in good time, with little more than the remnants of a previous ejaculation to mark the final falter of my footsteps and bury the sagging, too-old corpse I leave to, for once, feed the earth rather than consume another's share of it. I should be. God knows the rest of this goddamn world is. Better men than I have died without a whimper, marked only by the scrape of shovels and a lifeless, monogrammed gravestone. I'm not good enough, smart enough, influential enough to deserve the attention of the world, let alone to deserve the honor of delivering inspiration to it. But if that's unattainable -- if it's what I want at all -- and I'm unhappy with my life of shit and sleep, what do I want? What could I get from the world that would satisfy this raging ego of mine, or my lust for power? For it is power I lust for, make no mistake about it. I long for the power of influence and legacy, for the power of beauty and love, for the power of dominance and achievement. The power of becoming king and, for a brief moment, knowing satisfaction.
But I'll never be king. My passion will, no doubt, be quieted in time by my aging and ailing wit, by my elderly, cautious self, limited by my frail and weak body. My youth and power will die quickly -- I have all of a decade or two to attain my goals before settling down to die, if that. How soon before I buy a house? Before I give up my tentative touch on the pulse of life to focus on barbecues or sitcoms, football or cars, or whatever equally empty pasttimes I adopt to distract me from the omnipresent fact that I'm no longer beautiful, I'm no longer powerful, I've no more future to look forward to but that which I've mapped half a life ago?
Come, death, but come quickly. Let me leave, if nothing else, a corpse fit for a funeral.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
quote:I appreciate your patience as the Committee on Admission has been evaluating nearly 22,500 applications for the 2,250 openings in Boston College's next freshman class. We were deeply impressed with the intellectual prowess and personal accomplishments of this year's candidates who have honored us with their interest in the University.
With the review process now complete, acceptance letters have been sent to those students we hope will comprise our Class of 2008. They have until May 1 to let us know whether they will accept our offer of admission.
Due to the extraordinary competition for admission this year, we were not able to admit many students who would have enriched the quality of our learning environment. This is a painful reality in any highly selective admission process.
Because you presented such strong credentials, you have the opportunity to place your name on a waiting list for admission by sending back the enclosed response card as soon as possible. While this option further extends the anxiety of the college admission process, I did want to provide you with the opportunity for possible further consideration.
Tuition: $27,080 Freshman Residence Room Rate: $5,650 Mandatory Board Plan for Freshman Residing on Campus: $3,650 Mandatory Health Services Fee for Students Residing on Campus: $340 Student Activities Fee: $102 Freshman and Transfer Orientation Fee: $305 Identification Card Fee: $20
Billed Costs for Freshman Students Residing on Campus: $37,147
quote:Congratulations, and welcome to Boston University. From a highly talented and remarkably competitive group of applicants, you have been admitted to the College of Arts and Sciences. The Board of Admissions believes you will be an excellent addition to the Boston University community and will take full advantage of the wide variety of academic, cultural, and extracurricular opportunities that await you here.
Tuition: $29,988 Room (depending on type of accommodation): $6,180 Board (most dining plans): $3,500 Fees: $414 Books and Supplies: $721 Local Transportation (average): $342 Personal Expenses: $1,155
Total Cost: $42,300
quote:Congratulations on your acceptance to Brandeis University and welcome to the Class of 2008! You have been selected from a pool of highly talented candidates because of your academic achievements as well as your personal accomplishments. The Committee on Admissions extends its warm and sincere congratulations to you and your family and hopes that this letter will be a source of pride and happiness to you.
Full-Time Tuition: $30,159 Residence Contract (Standard Double Room): $4,862 Board (14-Meal Plan): $3,794 Student Activity Fee (mandatory): $302 Technology Fee (mandatory): $182 Health Services Fee (mandatory): $427 Health Insurance Premium (can be waived if student can certify that he or she is covered by a valid health insurance plan): $1,033
Total Cost: $40,759
quote:Congratulations on your admission to Fordham University! Your application to Fordham College at Rose Hill has been approved by the Committee on Admission.
quote:On behalf of the faculty, staff, and current student body of Loyola University New Orleans, I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted to Loyola University for the 2004 fall term. The admissions committee feels that not only will you meet the expectations of Loyola's rigorous curriculum, but that you will also contribute to the academic betterment of the Loyola community as a whole. You are among a select group of students chosen to join the Loyola University New Orleans class of 2008.
Tuition: $22,812 University Fees: $866 Residence Hall Room: $4,864 Meal Plan: $3,070
Totals: $31,612
quote:Congratulations! You've lost the letter informing you that you were waitlisted by New York University. We are extremely confident of your eventual acceptance, however, given the strength of your application and New York University's history of accepting, on average, 200 of 1000 waitlisted applicants.
Tuition and fees (two semesters full-time): $30,095 Room and board: $11,390 Books and supplies: $700 Transportation: varies Personal expenses: $1,000
Total Budget: $43,185
quote:Congratulations! On behalf of the Office of Admissions and the campus community of the University of California, Santa Barbara, we are pleased to offer you admission to the Pre-Business Economics major in the College of Letters and Science at the University of California, Santa Barbara for the fall 2004 quarter. Your selection from among a pool of thousands of qualified applicants recognizes your extraordinary academic accomplishments and exceptional personal qualities.
Student Fees: $ 5,639 Tuition: -- Books and Supplies: 1,279 Room and Board: 9,236 Health care, Transportation, and Travel: 1,452 Personal Expenses: 1,520
TOTAL: $19,126
Ive been accepted at various other colleges as well, but these are the few that interest me. All of them have their various appeals -- UCSBs known as both the University of California, Santa Barbara and the University of Casual Sex and Beer; prestigious, but it lacks any truly strong programs in any field I intend to study. Brandeis is prestigious as all hell, but too small and remote for my tastes. Boston Universitys too much money for too little degree, and Boston College is a long shot, given my GPA. Loyola of New Orleans boasts Pearce and, well, New Orleans -- however, despite stories my friends tell of spending a week down there and remembering two days, Im strangely hesitant to commit to the college. I have until Friday to make my choice. I post this to once again receive your help -- which college should I attend?
Some of these are obviously out of the picture, unless they offer significant scholarships. I didnt bother replying to USCs request for my semester grades, for example, since I know their tuitions impossible for a man of my limited means. Surprisingly, though, my mothers offered to pick up half the tuition for whatever college I attend -- Im grateful, but I still cant support a 20k bill per year. And with our debt, despite her recent promotion, I doubt she can, either.
So this is my confession, of a sort. Few people here know who me for who I am -- most, in my experience, assume Im a twentysomething man with a big mouth and an empty wallet. In truth, Im an eighteen year old man with a big mouth and an empty wallet. Ive never explicitly lied about my age, though I freely admit to never openly clarifying the issue.
I came to Hatrack on March 10, 2001. I was a dazed freshman in high school at the time, a tender fifteen years old, led to Hatrack by a URL in my newly read copy of Enders Game. I came in search of sequels, I believe, but then I noticed the small Forums button at the top right; I clicked it, and thus began my long, slow transformation.
Ive changed drastically over the years, but one of the few rocks in my sea has been Hatrack. The Cards dont know what they have in this place. I owe a great deal more than simple friendships and clever debates to them -- Hatracks become a rather disturbingly prominent aspect of my identity. In Meatspace, Im called Eddie, but my name is Lalo -- next year, whether I go to college or not, my identity will both be and be known by the name Lalo.
I didnt keep my age secret when I first arrived -- jkkirk was the first to find a post of mine confessing my age, and, in shock, demanded an explanation. I told her, then asked her to keep silent on the issue, so my newfound and much-enjoyed ability to argue issues in political and religious threads wouldnt be compromised by my age -- I wanted then as I do now, for my arguments to be judged by the strengths of their points, not the age of their author. Back in the days of Baldar, this was a particularly important issue with me. But as time wore on, and the more vitriolic posters passed away from Hatrack existence as my body aged, and the issue became of lesser and lesser importance.
Jeni, no doubt rightfully so, disliked me immensely upon my arrival -- within the year, we became fast friends, as we are today. She was the second to learn my age, beyond those who read and forgot my earlier post. Slash the Berserker, nndraa, Ralphie, Frisco, TomDavidson, Papa Moose, Irami, Kasie H, all now know who I am. Many found out explicitly when I asked for help with my college applications -- but I have no doubt several, like Tom and Moose, knew already. Toni gave a very flattering performance when she found out I was sixteen, as did Ty when he refused to box me until I came of legal age two years later (he did, though, very kindly offer to get in a ring with me and let me beat the crap out of him). Poor Eddie was coerced into reading impossible amounts of crappy college application essays, most written within an hour of the deadline for submission, though of course Toms and Mooses inputs were also impossibly invaluable in fooling these colleges into believing they had an intelligent man on their hands.
I wish Id listened to them more, to be honest. Had I followed Eddies advice, I may be in Columbia today -- instead, I never bothered even to submit a complete application. Had I listened to Tom, I might have attended Berkeley next year -- instead, I insisted on harping about one particular troublesome period of my high school career, and the girlfriend involved in it. I wish I had a compelling reason for my lack of interest in the quality of my applications -- I could say, perhaps, that I wanted to be accepted by colleges that knew my quality, not Toms or Eddies. But its not true. I just didnt want to put the effort into writing another essay and apparently Ive won the set of colleges as befits my motivation.
My consolation is that, my fits of idiocy aside, I believe I have cause, thanks to Hatracks influence, to consider myself a man worthy of standing beside such men. I respect you more than you could know -- a great deal of my guidance has come from reading your words and laughing at your jokes. Not to depress you -- Im not saddling responsibility for my sense of humor on your shoulders -- but I wouldnt be the man I am today if not for your friendships. This gratitude isnt limited to Tom and Eddie. I cant possibly list everyone here I owe in one way or another; the best (or worst) I can offer is to admit that all of you, from the lowliest Frisco to the highest Jeni, from the nearest Phil to the farthest Feyd, youre all an aspect of my identity, a facet in the flawed gem that is my soul.
If I ever develop MPD, I know Ill be in good company.
I love you people. We may disagree on every issue known, but I still laugh at Pats jokes, still laugh at Sweetcheeks, and still owe Myr that sloppy kiss. Ive grown up with you by my side -- you are, in ways more important than blood, my family. Those of you who know me know Ive never had much of one myself. Im damn grateful for everything youve done for me, especially given your utter lack of motivation to do it -- I can only hope for the chance to return your constant favors someday, though theres nothing I can do that could ever possibly match the love youve given me. Thank you. For everything. Your friendships and your love have already rescued me from the ignoble life of shit and sleep I so fear.
Posted by :Locke (Member # 2255) on :
You know, Eddie, I've always held you pretty high on my list of Admirable Hatrackers. Everyone has faults, of course, and some of yours happen to correspond with mine; after reading this post I realize that even more than before.
Don't do anything self-destructive. Be truly ambitious and claw your way to the top. I've spent a lot of time wondering, can a fifteen year old ever become a prodigy? Can I ever gain the kind of recognition that is pretty much the driving force in my life? I think you and I, and the people like us are too stubborn and ambitious to give in to the world, but who knows when the stalemate will be broken, and we'll finally get what we want?
EDIT: You posted a second time while I was writing. Evidently we are yet more alike: I joined the forum at twelve. I don't know what to say about college, since at the moment that seems like a distant reality to me, except to encourage you to go and acquire experience in whatever way you can. College seems like a great way to do that.
You ended your first post on a distressing note; it seemed almost like the suicidal words of some of my friends, and I was worried. I'm glad you feel welcome here, and hope we can all make each other feel that way.
[ April 24, 2004, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: :Locke ]
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
quote: ...goodbye, Eden...
Gah...as long as you're not leaving or dying, for crying out loud!
I have to ask, can I make fun of you for being a youngun' now? It's going to happen eventually, so save yourself the trouble and say "Yes ma'am".
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
Only if it means you spank me when I'm bad.
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
I'll spank you when you least expect it.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Eds, I just want to point out that barbecues aren't actually so awful.
Even when you're out saving the world, there's time for a decent brat and some slaw.
Posted by Suneun (Member # 3247) on :
I am not the person I was at 18. Heck. I'm not the person I was at 20. I don't know how interested you are in advice, and I don't know how capable I am of giving decent advice. But here it is?
I see discontent and frustration. But this fall, there is nothing stopping you from becoming Real and Who you Want to Be. It's easy to slip away and fall into a rut even before you hit the ground running. But it's such an incredible time to take advantage of the enormous Change. Amazing changes await you, if you dare.
I can't be of any help with the colleges themselves. Is Financial Aid impossible for you to obtain?
and thank you for sharing. You're quite a part of hatrack.
[ April 24, 2004, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: Suneun ]
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
So there I go and lose my entire post. *starts over*
Right -- I know exactly what you mean about feeling old, past your prime. I remember when I was thirteen, I was on top of the world. I was indestructable. I got perfect grades, won every art contest I entered, every race I ran, and the boys loved me. Course it all mean jack when you didn't realize how good you had it. Lucky thing is.... there still is time. Now there's the knowledge that reaching that perfect balance is possible. And the wisdom to know when you've got it... what to do with it.
I'm tellin ya... the next decade of your life will be the best. No matter what you do, you will make the most of it and rise to the top and won't give in without a struggle.
Wherever you chose to go...they won't know what's hit them
Hmmm, and honestly, I never thought about your age. I tend to assume that everyone is older than me, being a thirteen year old anime girl with purple hair and all. Age is just a stupid number, it doesn't tell you who you are or what you can do.
Yup, I'm groggy, dunno if I made any sense at all. Just really -- good luck with the choice, follow your heart and all that.
Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
Wow. Don't worry about what you didn't do. There are always opportunities, and you miss out on the new ones if you concentrate too much on the ones you missed in the past (but from your thread, I think you figured that out already).
There are plenty of people here willing to give you a spanking, I'm sure.
Just remember, this isn't the end of the world. I'm a lot older than you, but I remember what you're going through. I remember being being beautiful. My friends are constantly telling me I still am, but it's because they see me with eyes of love ((CT)). Having people who really see YOU in your life is worth more than you realize.
And, Dude, you have us here, and we like you sight unseen (even when you piss us off ).
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
--I--
Posted by ak (Member # 90) on :
Ah, Lalo, you have so much promise, as you have from the time you first came to hatrack as Daedalus. You can become whomever you want to be. The hardest part is in deciding who that is.
From my advanced dotage I must clue you in, though. There is much about life as one grows up that the young do not forsee. Stick around and you'll see what I mean. It's very cool. You will like it.
Had you submitted the above for your essay, no doubt you could have gotten in anywhere. You have so much heart and passion, and so much intelligence. Choose well how you apply these in your life. (I very much hope that you will not spend them on idle dissipation, for instance.) They will serve you well always, and even more as you gain in experience and self control. Dream good dreams, dear Lalo, and go on to lead a full and happy life bringing them to fruition.
I understand exactly what you are saying about Hatrack. It's had a transformative effect on me as well. (And I was a mere child of 39 when I came here.) Three cheers for our Lalo, citizen of Hatrack. Make us proud.
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
That essay is what I would write if I had the eloquence to do so.
I don't know you all that well but I can relate to that feeling of being old before my time. I also have grown up here, starting out at the young writers forum and eventually venturing over here where, unwittingly, so many people have changed my life.
(ak is right, if you'd submitted that you'd have gotten in anywhere. However, even if you didn't make your top choice schools the ones you've got aren't half bad!)
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
I would be shocked, but Narnia told me what your age was when I met her last week. I was SO surprised. But I'm glad, because the fact that you're the same age as me means that I can give you a hug. (flying tackle glomp)
Eddie, it's difficult for me to tell you that everything's going to be OK, because really there's no way of knowing. I can tell you that I've already gone through what you're going through and that there's no benefit in worrying about it. Things eventually work themselves out. My only stress saving advice: Do your homework.
By the way, that first post... Was really really well written..
Posted by UTAH (Member # 5032) on :
I don't know you because I'm fairly new in the Hatrack Kingdom, but if you write with such love, passion, and feeling, as you did in this thread, your future seems very promising to me. I wish you the very best in your endeavors. Happiness can be yours. You have more to give in life than death.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Eddie, you are 18 ?!?!?
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
So young to be feeling so old!
Eddie, I view you like a white, hot flame. You seem like the sort of person that bends the world to your will. You do have such power, charisma, keen intelligence. I hope you use your power to build up rather than tear down. You certainly could do either.
You have the arrogance of youth. Your prime is yet ahead of you! To feel like you have already hit it and that everything is downhill from here... well, I hope you find renewed energy and passion in your college years. And by the time you really are past your prime, I hope you will have found purpose and contentment in your life that you will not resent its passing.
Huzzah to new beginnings!
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
You write better than I do; my love of semicolons seems to have gotten the best of me. Your writing is clean and expressive. Even when you're writing about pain it's a guilty pleasure to read.
Ironically, I currently find myself on the reverse end of the same situation i.e., with a degree but no job. To make matters worse I'm reading J.M. Coetzee's Youth, a faintly existentialist ramble of a book that I couldn't be reading at a worse time.
So I empathize with you, and if I may offer a piece of advice: don't read Youth. Please.
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
Great, so tell on me Abby!!
Eddie, can I just tell you...that I love you in spite of myself (meaning there have been times when I wanted to box your ears, but those aren't as frequent as they once were.) You really have such wonderful gifts and I've come to know different ones in the time we've both been here on the forum. I'm really proud of you that you're planning on going to college and that you have so many choices. I know you'll do great work and I respect your drive to be a better person.
Good luck picking your institution for higher education. It seems that you're a wanted man. Well, you're wanted HERE too, so stick around.
Posted by BYuCnslr (Member # 1857) on :
:: Huggle eddie :: Horrah for sexypants! Satyagraha
Posted by John L (Member # 6005) on :
quote:Even when you're out saving the world, there's time for a decent brat and some slaw.
Actually, without the latter, you don't deserve to accomplish the former. Life is too long to not take advantage of those things, and too short to expect the whole world to change because you demand it.
Posted by Nick (Member # 4311) on :
quote: So this is my confession, of a sort. Few people here know who me for who I am -- most, in my experience, assume Im a twentysomething man with a big mouth and an empty wallet. In truth, Im an eighteen year old man with a big mouth and an empty wallet. Ive never explicitly lied about my age, though I freely admit to never openly clarifying the issue.
I assumed you were a very opinionated, but not really a big mouth so much. You and I, we have had a few disagreements. While I still even now disagree with you on a few things, you at least never let yourself do what a normal 18-year old does in an argument. Insult flinging, ect ect.
So I have to say, now that I know you're a year younger than I am, you made for a very convincing "20 something year old". Good luck on colleges. I'm still in JC myself. I can't afford a university. I hope you succeed in satisfying your ambition.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Lalo explicitly at one point told me he was 22.
Bastard.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
Yeah, I have to say, you present yourself a million times better than most of the 18 year olds out there. I never would have guessed. I really am shocked. Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
mack, i'm pretty sure he told me that once as well.
nice to know i've been justified in calling you kid for so long.
much as i whine about my apparent vs. actual age, at 17 i felt older than any time in my nearly quarter of a century life. it's something about having all those decisions to make, i think. something about knowing it's all about to change.
i hope you make it to chicago; you're so on my list of people to slap.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
I hope he comes out to school on the east coast so I can kick his ass.
But seriously, I'd love to hang with you, Lalo. You're definately invited up here anytime, and I plan on dragging your ass on a hike in the Whites if you do come to school out here.
Posted by Zevlag (Member # 1405) on :
Daed, Eddie, Lalo, as you say, you have changed over the years.
We may not agree on things (though there is some that we do,) I would like to meet you. Glad you are around. Glad that you have finally come out with much truth as to who you really are.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I thought my life was over at seventeen, too. Heck, I'd already dropped out of college by then.
I'll be thirty next year, and I can't say that I feel like my life's even particularly started; I've come to feel like I'm on the cusp of finally being where I want to be.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Lalo, I'm glad you're here, and I love that Hatrack can be some of the substitute family for you that so many of have found it to be.
I have to admit I didn't know we weren't supposd to know you were 18.
You'll do great in school, wherever you go. You write splendidly.
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
Eddie-
Stop reading if you think I'm being preachy or bitchy: You know that I've always been a big fan. I suspected you were young. Your unrealistic expectations/anger at what you should have already done were the only clue I had of your extreme youth. ::laughing:: Goodness, what did you want to be, a childstar who only had his genetic qualities to offer the world? You are greater than your genetic make-up. If all you had to offer was the combined sum of your parents DNA, what impact would "you" be having on the world? As you mature, you are becoming more you and less the sum of your DNA. Be pleased that each day that passes you have more of your own ideas to offer the world.
You may assume your beauty was your power, but your writing has always held this idea as a cocky, tongue-in-cheek concept. You know that beauty isn't power, it's just a tool in your arsenal. Your power is your drive to do something to better this world. If you're not using that power, then you have a right to be peeved at yourself.
You're not going to get anywhere making excuses. People with less money, less smarts and less heart have made it through college; if they can figure out a way to get a degree, so can you.
IMO, you are the person on this board most in need of input. You need to get away from what you know before you get mired down. Wasn't it about this time last year that you went through a pretty serious bout of depression? Get moving- please don't let it catch you again.
Your writing was amazing when you were in So America. Get a degree, any degree, and start putting some horsepower behind all that potential.
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
Sukinsyn.
(the above was said with as much love as I only can give)
Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
Heh. You had me fooled. I would have been happy to help, if you'd asked. I love talking to you, and I consider you something of a friend. And your age is irrelevant to that.
If I may be a bit presumptious . . .
I believe you have a mistaken idea of what greatness is. The problem is, every time someone tells you this, what you hear is "Accept mediocrity." And nobody is telling you to do that.
You seem to believe that if you're not reaching millions with your writing or curing cancer or taking over medium-sized countries, then all your life is about is sitcoms, sex, shitting, and sleeping. (Keep in mind that those who cure dread diseases or change the world with their art are beneficiaries of luck as well as their talent and hard work. Society has to be ready to appreciate what you do, the state of existing knowledge in your field has to be such that you have the right tools and the right insights to stand on. We'll never know how many brilliant and motivated people never had their breakthrough or never were recognized.)
What is greatness?
It's making the world better than it was before you came along.
We all take. We all give. Nobody can live without at some point leaning on other people and using the resources around them. I'd like to think that, similarly, nobody can be so debased as to never bring anything positive into anybody else's life. I know you have brought some virtual friendship into mine. The difference between greatness and mediocrity is in the net balance. Is the world a better place because you are in it. You seem to think you have to be famous for this to be true. From working with wealthy families, I have come to know a lot of famous people, including some who, as far as I could be, were not Makers or Adders. (Certain politicians come to mind. ) Clearly, there are a lot of people who take more than they give. After all, if everybody made the world a little bit better, wouldn't it be a wonderful place by now?
By all means seek out the vision of greatness you desire. Are you really seeking it out, though, or just being discontent because it hasn't landed on your lap? Fame can land on your lap, but greatness cannot.
But don't be so busy wanting your name to be on everybody's lips that you don't have the time to make the world better. What people think of you doesn't give your life meaning. If all you accomplish is noteriety and fame, but you take more than you give, to me, that is a life that means nothing more than shitting and sleeping, sound and fury.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
I try to make a point of not responding in these sorts of threads, given that there's no possible way for me to do every reply justice, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
But I must protest, here. I've never explicitly lied about my age, even when under interrogation. Old habits die hard, and my fear of having my arguments invalidated by my sixteen years of age has carried on through the years -- I've come to rather pride myself on the sleight-of-hand I've needed to play to allow people to continue their assumptions without validating them. It's every bit as dishonest as an outright lie, and for that I apologize, but I can lay claim at least to the relative high ground of never explicitly lying about how old I've been.
Also, despite my admitted dishonesty about my age, I've never lied about who the man behind the mask is. On every other issue possible, I've been open and forthright -- too forthright, some might say. I don't consider myself a boy, nor have I for years -- my silence on my age has been born from fear of prejudice (in the literal sense of pre-judgment) and unthinking dismissal of my opinions based on the length of their existence.
And jesus, people, thank you.
Damn. I don't say this often enough, but you are what family I have. Don't expect to hear it from me often, but I love you for everything you've given me, all the crap you've tolerated from me, and the fastness of your presence in my life when I had so little else. Not to depress you, but I owe you much of who I am.
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
((Eddie)) Congrats !
Posted by MaydayDesiax (Member # 5012) on :
(((Eddie)))
Don't worry, sweetheart--you'll land on your feet. You fine sexy cats always do.
(sigh. I can't believe I actually put that)
Congrats on the landmark, good luck in college.
Mayday
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Well, you know what _I_ think you should do about college.
*shifty eyes*
Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
Eddie, dude. You're a good guy, and I'm glad to know you (though I'm one of the ones who didn't know your age was a secret; I've always assumed that you were around my age. *grin*).
I believe I told you my thoughts on your first post on LJ, and I'm not informed enough to really help out on your second, seeing as I'm a college drop-out myself. But good luck in everything you do. You're a great addition to Hatrack, and I know what you mean about this place being family.
Plus, if we're ever on a moonlit beach in Costa Rica at the same time, I'm jumping you. But then, you already knew that, didn't you?
Posted by kwsni (Member # 1831) on :
Gorgeous, that was a good landmark.
I never know what to say on these threads, except hatrack (and certainly chat) wouldn't be the same without you.
I can't wait to meet you in chicago to see if your mouth is quite so big in person.
Ni!
Posted by Chizpurfle (Member # 6255) on :
Dang.
I came to hatrack the same time as you but I never had any idea about your age at all. I always assumed you were in your mid to late twenties and even at that age, I thought your debating abilities were extremely praiseworthy.
I am only a year younger than you, but I have always avoided debates at hatrack because I knew that I would crushed against the opposition. I do well in academics, sure, but in the case of debates and politics, I am just not intellectually up there.
I have always left the debates up to people like you and Kasie because we share identical views on issues. In your case, I am not surprised that you and I are so politically similar- after all, are we not both atheistic minorities who hail from Los Angeles? Heh. You can't live your life in LA without adopting certain left liberal views.
Your age comes as a huge surprise for me. The people here at Hatrack are far from stupid so the simple fact that you can hold yourself up and so well, against people twice your age in debates speaks volumes for both your writing ability and your debating skill. Great job, man.
Posted by jebus202 (Member # 2524) on :
You're basically only a year older than me... I am a complete retard.
Posted by tonguetied&twisted (Member # 5159) on :
(((((Eddie)))))
That post was awesome the first time I read it, a week ago, and is even more so now that I read it again. You already know what I think, dude. I have a hell of a lot of respect for you, and I love you to pieces.
You also know you're on my limited list of Hatrackers that I have to meet one day, and I'm honoured to be on yours. *laugh*
Eddie, even when physical beauty fades (and I'm not saying yours has ), you will still be left with the beauty and strength of your mind. And that is one awesome mind you've got there. You have incredible potential, use it well.
Believe me.
[ April 25, 2004, 05:46 AM: Message edited by: tonguetied&twisted ]
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
Nice, Eddie.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
But jebus, you're my favorite. Posted by Xaposert (Member # 1612) on :
Eddie,
Not that this surprises me but excellent landmark post. Also, I'd add that I don't think you were deceptive about your age here - this is a place where assumptions cannot be made about ages very well, and if people did, it ain't your fault.
However, I'd like to add that there are some ideas here that I don't agree with - first and foremost of which is the idea of taking pride in your percieved adulthood. The truth is, I am 22 and yet I think of myself as a child. In fact, I view everyone as a child. There are small children, big children, young children, and adult children, but at heart they are all children. An adult is more or less a character they create to justify themselves, not so different from how younger kids will play superhero, only adults take it far more seriously and are far more unwilling to leave their character. It's playing cool. I think it's a mistake to take too much pride in that character, as it is just that - a character - and it's not truly under your control. It exists at the whim of the forces of the world, including the forces of time and aging, and those forces can take it away from you just as easily as they give it to begin with. Take it only with a grain of salt. But then again, take me with a grain of salt too, as I come at this issue from a very different perspective - after all, I'm 22-year-old that has been known to be confused for a 16-year-old (a trait that suits me I think.)
I wouldn't worry too much though. In my (very limited) experience, I'm under the impression that there's not really just one eden in life. There's a series of them. You go from character to character, and what makes you "great" changes from each to the next. I can say with certainty that I'm not the same person I was when I first went to college, and the things that I find valuable about myself are completely different. I suppose it's possible to get in mode where you are stuck looking back at "glory days" but I think it's far from necessary, and I don't particularly think you're likely to be one who falls into that problem. Just wait and see...
[ April 25, 2004, 12:56 AM: Message edited by: Xaposert ]
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
Ah, Lalo. You've always been beautiful to me. I am a Late Bloomer - here I am 30 and still haven't started my career (subbing doesn't count). But I've found the secrets of my happiness lie in the pleasures of the senses that arise each day - the smell of wet earth, the taste of bread, the texture of bark. And from doing all I can to be the person I want to be. When I lose sight of those things, I slide into my own varieties of depression. I'll never be one of those people who changed the world in her youth. All that time I was struggling to Become Myself.
You know who you are ever so much more than I did at eighteen. You know who is there for you, and what makes you restless. These are blessings.
I have always appreciated your honesty and fierceness. I never thought of you as any age in particular, though I knew you were younger than I. You do emit that particular cockiness I find extremely attractive but which tends to be tempered as one grows older.
I wish you good fortune as you make decisions and choose your next stepping-stones. Choosing a college is difficult. I remember that my parents wanted me to go to a Christian college, and I didn't know how to tell them I didn't want to be sheltered any more.
More than anything else, your college experience is going to be shaped by what you bring to it. If you can visit the campuses before deciding, that might help. Where do you feel at home? Do any of them give you an uncomfortable feeling? Can you imagine yourself living and working there? Also consider what the academics are like in the fields that interest you. It would be pointless to study drama, for instance, at a school that only offered limited courses and didn't have much talent. Good luck, and we'll be excited to hear all about the decision you've made - especially if you move closer to any of us!
Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :
Eddie,
Your posts have sparked controversy and inserted excitement into a lot of threads that would have been a lot more boring without them. Thanks for entertaining us.
A few thoughts that occurred to me because of your posts, and I have added them here.
quote:Nick wrote: ...you at least never let yourself do what a normal 18-year old does in an argument. Insult flinging, ect ect.
This isn't true. But Eddie's young and perhaps his behavior will change.
[The rest of the quotes are by Lalo.]
quote:I'm unhappy with life, as I've known for some time now. What I don't know is why. Why the **** am I so discontented with my existence? At no time in history could I have it easier. I have an easy job, a relaxed life, as stress-free as I could want -- where does this ennui spill from?
Life is not about a stress-free existence. The point of the journey is not to arrive. You need a challenge, a stimulant, a change that requires more than a minimal response from you. Rats live healthier lives when their environment is changed every once in a while - so will you. But you don't have to. You could remain in your safe, stress-free world, getting more and more bored. And the boredom could lead to depression. And torpor. The "tiredness" you feel becomes more understandable. As Chris Rock might be paraphrased as saying, "I don't condone what you're doing...but I understand."
quote:I've been truly beautiful only once in my life, to my recollection. When I was sixteen, and coming of age, I had a beauty I had never experienced before, nor, I think, I've experienced since.
I slightly envy this. Maybe the memories of your beauty then can help you make it through the rest of your life.
quote:...I have all of a decade or two to attain my goals before settling down to die, if that.
I'm really sorry you said this. I hope someday you can realize that youth is not necessary to enjoy life or even to accomplish something.
[edited for snarkiness and unlandmarky feeling. I'll state what caused me to change my post in the next edited post on the next page]
[ April 26, 2004, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: JonnyNotSoBravo ]
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
"My passion will, no doubt, be quieted in time by my aging and ailing wit, by my elderly, cautious self, limited by my frail and weak body."
Don't count on it buddy. Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
I'm breaking my rule, again. Jonny, I don't know where this anger's coming from -- would you like to, for one, name an instance where I "insult-fling"? It should be fairly easy. I mean, this is Lalo you're talking about.
I'm rather ashamed that I reply to challenges but not to praise -- Jose's declaration of me as something of a friend melted me, and Jebus' post made me laugh my ass off. But when you criticize me -- and accurately -- I don't have the strength of character to let it pass. I post this in fear of giving insult to everyone else in the thread.
quote:quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've been truly beautiful only once in my life, to my recollection. When I was sixteen, and coming of age, I had a beauty I had never experienced before, nor, I think, I've experienced since. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, this is classic Lalo. Self-involved, a bit shallow. Wouldn't someone who grew up "overweight and awkward" know better? I have no idea if you really mean what you say here or if it's just part of the bravado image you project out, romanticizing your life, inflating the melodrama.
You must share the gift of easy, natural beauty with Jenny Gardener. I've never been so lucky. Growing up "overweight and awkward" simply means that any small modicum of beauty you come to grasp becomes the world to you, treasured all the more for its absence. Beauty's importance lies not so much in how others treat you -- though that change alone is astonishing -- but in how you treat yourself. All you've said is true -- I am shallow, I am melodramatic, and I am weak. I lust for the power granted by beauty, all the more for its looming extinction from my life -- as I said before, I have maybe a decade, possibly two, before I lose what small advantages I have to age and fat. My body's not naturally slim, nor is my face easily handsome. I've won some few advances through constant, consistent, painful exercise, but I don't expect its effects to last forever -- hell, I don't expect them to last a week without maintenance. I'll soon lose my fight against the entropy of my body, but before I do, I'd like to take full advantage of what time I have -- the problem being, as you may have noticed during your careful perusal of my writing, that I have no idea what to do with my fleeting youth, nor any idea how to wring full advantage from it before it leaves me forever.
I truly hate life as an ugly man. Call it shallow -- it is. Call it weak -- it is. But I dread my inevitable return to pasty skin and puffy cheeks, to the swelling of my belly and the shadowing of my eyes. Through damn hard work I've attained a body I love, and in truth, it's this self I love. The self that is given respect without trial. The self that flirts with women and is flirted with -- do you think I had that as a fat man?
I don't know your body type, but I'm guessing you're either offended by my rejection of age and entropy or disgusted with my weak will and shallow self-esteem. Both are right. Both show me for who I am -- a man terrified of opinion, most of all his own, and lustful for the ability to empower his own unnatural strength. Weak. But I make no apologies, least of all to you. You're right insofar as I desire a romantic life, but is it a crime to be young and passionate, if I can call myself that with a straight face? For if little else, I am a passionate man. I'm passionate about my terror of time, passionate about my anger against my deteriorating body. Even my immature thrill with successful wooing is passionate, all the more so for its unexpectedness -- life in a body that's varied over 120 lbs. just last year alone pushes my emotions to extremes. Every rejection stings all the more for the lingering hope that I'm still attractive; every success carries an air of disbelief given my doubt of my own beauty. Sixteen was the age I first knew beauty, then unblemished by a lack of confidence in its permanency, and thus my wistful remembrance of what should have been the happiest period of my life since I played in the sand with other kindergarten students.
You're wrong when you declare I'm trying to make my life melodramatic, though you're absolutely right when you say I view my soul with the excesses and romanticizations that rightfully belong to the term. What excuse can I offer? I'm as uniquely average as everyone else out there. I'm no knight, nor any hero -- I'm no great beauty today, and uglier men have lived in the annals of history than my own flawed self. But not in my mind. In the limited confines of myself, I am the hero of my own story -- I am the man struggling against his own competing desires for sanity, power, and happiness and makes his outside world as stress-free as possible to ease the rigors of his battle. Of course I'm sweepingly romantic in my understanding of myself -- who else would I be in my own movie but protagonist and villain both? The blank-faced extra in the background?
Now, no doubt this understanding of myself as a hero rings falsely in my own mind, and no doubt that same insecurity in my head causes me to project my inner struggle on the outside world; thus my desire to accomplish something worth accomplishing, if only for public affirmation that yes, I am the man I don't believe I am. That I'm not doomed to the life of mediocrity and ultimate silence my rational, logical side knows is inevitable.
Melodramatic and romantic and weak I may be, but I don't know that I prefer the alternative. I'm not gifted with the lifelong beauty Jenny (and yourself, no doubt) was born with, nor the brilliance of Tom, nor the easy charm of Eddie. I'm not as level-headed as Moose and I'm not as talented as Geoff. But what few strengths I have, I cling to, I do all I can to empower those rare creatures -- if that means wasting your time reading the angst of yet another insignificant man who will live yet another insignificant life, forgive me.
Posted by Jaiden (Member # 2099) on :
*grins*
I -knew- you were younger then me. Not that it matters, but I knew it from some conversations we had in aim Not that I blame you at all for not telling people- except when people out right ask me I never volunteer my age- too many questions come from it and disbelief, etc. *Shrugs*
At anyrate, I've always enjoyed your posts (even when I walked away going "gosh he can be an asshole").
You aren't past your prime. You're probably just past that stage where you think you can do anything and everything came easily/easier. Get over it. You're a good guy, you can work hard and your inteligent.
As far as universities, I'll say the same to you as I do to everyone. Don't ignore Canada!!! We have some damn fine universities. And we're frequently quite cheaper then your silly American universities
(sorry this is so badly written, but you understand what I'm trying to say... right?)
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
"I truly hate life as an ugly man."
You know, the much easier alternative is to learn to enjoy life as an ugly man.
There are downsides -- like, say, having to remember not to stand anywhere you can be photographed -- but I find that actually being glad to be alive more than makes up for it.
Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :
Lalo-
I had previously posted a response here that included a few insults that you had delivered over the past few months. I thought I had to do this because you seemed to truly think that you hadn't delivered any insults. Because your email was private and blocked, I had to post them instead of emailing them to you. That was wrong of me.
I had asked Val last night why she thought Nick had posted what he did about you never flinging insults. She didn't know. I asked her why you had asked me to produce even one instance when you knew that if I did I'd have to post it. She didn't know. I suppose you could have been baiting me, to make me and yourself look bad for all eternity in your landmark, or even just to start up an argument. What kind of Lalo landmark would it be without controversy?
What really changed my mind about editing this post, though, was not her comments, but the comments of a whole bunch of people following Val's and Nick's posts. I knew that a lot of these people really knew you because they had often posted right after your most controversial posts. Yet they were very positive and congenial. My tone obviously needed to be revised.
Thus, belatedly, I realized that the obvious does not have to be stated, yet I could still be supportive while perhaps giving constructive criticism.
Good luck, Eddie! There's a whole wide world of experiences out there. Go get 'em!
[ April 26, 2004, 10:35 PM: Message edited by: JonnyNotSoBravo ]
Posted by Nick (Member # 4311) on :
quote: So this is a reality check; it contains some honesty you probably won't find as much here because Hatrackers are too nice.
Sounds like you have some grudge issues man. Seriously. Eddie hasn't been the nicest person to me no, that's true. But he doesn't deserve you coming in here on your high horse judging him as if you're better. Let go of the grudge. I did.
Posted by Valentine014 (Member # 5981) on :
Jonny, I am very disappointed that you felt the need to put that up on Eddie's landmark. To be remembered in the archives for the rest of Hatrack's lifespan.
This post of his was to commemerate a mile stone and you felt the need to prove your point here, that Eddie has made a few insults?
Posted by Nick (Member # 4311) on :
And if he bothers you so much with his insults about... take Bush for example:
quote: I'm actually rather bewildered why people are so intent on believing Bush was something remarkable after September 11. Exactly what did he do? A trained monkey would have known to declare war on Afghanistan for harboring Osama bin Laden.
I actually agree with that. But if Clinton was in office, would he have the spine to declare war? Knowing the right thing to do and doing it are completely separate things. There now, you see? It's not so hard to refute "insults" like that.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Well blast. Now I have to revise my image of you from mid-twenties but sometimes acts about ten years behind his age to teenager whos mostly incredibly mature. Way to shatter my worldview!
Seriously, congratulations on the college acceptances and good luck wherever you decide to go. If I were a fairly godmother and this was your christening party, my gift to you would be patience, with yourself and others. But its not, so take that as unsolicited advice. Your life is nowhere near over, and I have no doubt that you will have a meaningful impact on the world.
Posted by Ben (Member # 6117) on :
i have my doubts...E-Slice is kind of an ass.
i say the sweetest things.
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
Lalo, why do your posts always make me sigh? You flatter me by calling me a natural beauty. Like I said, I was a late-bloomer, so sometimes I'm narcissistic about what my body has become. But I've been the ugly duckling, just as you have. As a result, I seldom see flaws in people's bodies. Like you remarked, the ugliness usually comes when you don't treat yourself well. A person with a bright eye, a smile, and who is taking care of their hair, clothes, and skin, comes across as lovely regardless of physical dimensions. The smile does it, mostly. Think of how much more beautiful a person is when she or he smiles. Make a habit to smile at yourself a lot, even if it starts out as a grimace. And always smile at other people.
I think I only started being "beautiful" when I stopped caring what other people thought of me, and stopped pandering to what other people wanted me to be. It's when I started climbing on roofs, and fingerpainting in the basement, and running around in summer rainstorms in nothing but a slip. This was in college, when I was nineteen. I smiled at everyone on the way to class, and I stopped to draw my breath in awe at the morning-glories someone had planted on their fence. I balanced on ledges and edges, and I stopped shaving my legs. And I started doing a little dance all my own, and living closer to the bone. To what brought me pleasure and joy, and also simplicity. Shrugging off social expectations freed me to discover who I was myself. And I found that the more confident I was in myself, the more charm I seemed to possess. People responded, and they wanted to be around me. I was labeled a "free spirit", and I'd gladly invite people to play with me.
I don't know if such things would work for you, but it may be worth trying to stop looking at yourself in the mirror so much and instead focus on looking into people's eyes or up into the blue, blue sky, or into the depths of a flower. Notice, touch, smell, taste, and listen. Don't be afraid to take pleasure in the little things that cross your path. Practice joy, and like all skills, it will come easier to you.
Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
I think Lalo would find it very liberating to run around in only a slip.
-o-
"and living closer to the bone"
Funny. The only place I've ever heard this phrase before is in a John Mellencamp song. Is this a regional thing?
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
Heh. I think one day, I'll post my pic from high school, too. Was not the Kama you know and adore.
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
Two words: Not. Possible.
Posted by Jeni (Member # 1454) on :
I've spent many, many hours of my last three years here at Hatrack -- and I've found that if I come away from this experience with nothing else, the friends I made in the process will have made it all worthwhile.
And you, Eddie, have been one of the most constant of those friends. My best friend, even, at least for a time. Though lately we do not as often spend hour upon hour whining about our lives and making witty quips (well, one of us making witty quips, anyway), I'll never forget those long nights. You've helped me along in times when I needed it the most, whether by knocking some much needed sense into my head or just lending an open ear. If I never did before, I'm letting you know now that it was greatly appreciated. And, quite honestly, I'm honored to have been a person you trust to turn to as well.
I remember my shock upon learning you were fifteen. After the shock wore off, I was simply impressed. People have commented here how well written your posts are, and, well, they were darn near as good back then, too. Certainly you remember my prodding you to be open about your age -- this was, after all, a forum of people who had read and loved Ender's Game. I understand now, though, why you refused, and even agree. Despite what I'm sure you've heard from some others, I don't think you should feel at all guilty about not being entirely open. Even in a community as close as this one, no one should feel pressured to reveal more about their personal lives than they feel necessary. It's part of the beauty of taking part in a forum, being able to converse openly and yet anonymously.
Also, don't worry so much about college. The financials will work themselves out eventually, and the costs you've listed certainly won't be the costs you pay. People concern themselves too much about choosing the Right School, I think. What ends up mattering more is that you take advantage of whatever opportunities your school offers, take the initiative to try all sorts of new things, and, of course, be open to making new friends from all walks of life. Look into programs you may be interested in, what the student body is like, and think about whether you could be happy there for four years, but don't overstress. It is possible to transfer.
I suspect that beginning college, the next big step in your life, will help lift your mood. It makes sense to feel old, I think, nearing the end of your high school career, becoming an adult, and concluding the first huge stage in your life. Once you arrive at whatever college you decide to attend, I believe you'll see all of the new paths that are open to you, all sorts of different people you can become, all different ways to begin the rest of your life. There's still a lot of time left.
While you're busy with all of that, don't forget to keep up with things here. After all, I doubt there's anyone else able to provide me with as much quotable material as yourself, eh?
Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
Eddie, if you don't stop with the angst and melodrama, I'm going to post those pictures of your beautiful mug you sent me a few weeks ago.
Interesting landmark. It's a side of you I rarely see. Odd, because I've felt the same way. I was going to be the biggest thing since the digital watch--I was going to take the world by storm and force people to know who I was.
And I told myself that my attutide would never change. That I'd set my mind and become what my 17-yeal-old self wanted to be or die trying. I saw people who looked as if they had given up because life was too hard, and I vowed that I'd not go so easily. And yet I found myself changing.
I found that no matter how much space we place between "want" and "need", they're really synonyms.
Everything I "wanted" to do was just something I needed to do to to meet my, or someone else's, expectations. And at some point in the ensuing breakdown I found a beauty in simplicity.
Not that you'll definitely have any sort of life-altering epiphanies, but if you start resenting yourself for the changes you make rather than embrace the what you may or may not see as growth, next thing you know, you'll paint your hair and fingernails black and be sitting in a dark apartment listening to emo and complaining about The Man.
But what do I know? No more than anyone else. I'm just a 24 year old nobody who, for some reason, is sitting up drunk-off-his-arse at 3:30 in the morning posting at an internet forum.
But I'm happy. And most of the time I talk to you, you seem to be, too.
And I should be thanking you for all those frantic IMs pleading for help on an essay. Codgers like me enjoy few things more than a chance to strut a little of our experience.
So, yeah. I'm going to pass out now. I'll IM you as the rest of what I was going to say puts itself into coherent sentences.
quote:That Man is a Success Who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; Who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of children; Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; Who leaves the world better than he found it, whether by improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; Who never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it. Who looked for the best in others and gave the best he had.
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
It's good to know that at least Frisco is of age.
I can't understand why I was being set up with Lalo at certain other forum, though, with everyone knowing he was 6 years younger than me.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Lalo, I was actually really relieved to learn you are 18. I thought you were a bright 20 something who had blown the chance to go to college. (Because it seemed improbable to me that you wouldn't have expressed an opinion on college if you had gone- it wasn't ever conscious on my part.) I'm happy for you that you applied to colleges that weren't a sure bet like I did. You have a lot more confidence than I did at your age.
When I was about 23, my forehead changed and my cheekbones came in. It was the one thing I wanted to send back through a time loop to myself as a 14 year old: "You will get cheekbones someday". I am sorry for you that you can't tap into whatever keeps Johnny Depp eternally beautiful. But masculinity has its upside as well.
I suppose that part of the problem with America is the dreams. We don't have a king and so young men have that drive to rise in the order knowing no ceiling, only to be harnessed by the emasculating net of civilization.
I appreciate you exposing yourself for us (have I been in the OOC thread yet?) and while I'm sure we will remain "complements" in most debates, I'm glad to know you better.
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
It's kind of disappointing already knowing "the big secret." I got done reading the post going, "Okay, okay. So WHAT'S THE SECRET!?"
I would make an entirely uninspired post in my own words, but instead I'm going to echo LadyDove's words. You need input. You're going to get it in college. It will make you not only witness other perspectives, but understand their value. Go get it, and make with it what you can to be happy.
You know that I completely understand the 'once beautiful' thing. It's tough when other people don't get it, especially when you've lost it and lost all the perks that came with it. But, as Tom said, you learn to be happy despite not looking how you want to look, and you realize that it's beauty's nature to be transient. ALL people will lose their looks. I have to say, when I start looking at the whole instead of the parts, I realize I'm sort of fortunate to have taught myself the tools to deal with losing my looks at a young age.
I lost my looks as a teenager, and then they came back in my mid twenties. But I'll lose them again, and at that point I'll know that's just the nature of physical beauty, and I have a hell of a lot more to me than that.
You'll be fine. Just remember that the most important quality is kindness. Everything else will take away as much as it gives you. But kindness always remains constant.
quote:I thought my life was over at seventeen, too. Heck, I'd already dropped out of college by then.
I'll be thirty next year, and I can't say that I feel like my life's even particularly started; I've come to feel like I'm on the cusp of finally being where I want to be.
Me, too! (Except that thing about being thirty. )
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
Lalo, I can really relate to what you wrote about beauty. Physical beauty came very easily to me in my teens and I have to work at it now, in my 20s. Still, I'm more beautiful now than I ever was then. Partly because I'm in love and loved in return, but mostly because I have a better understanding of beauty that I did in my teens. It has so much less to do with your features than you think.
There's a quote that I send to people to whom I'm giving fashion and beauty advice. It's gender specific, but it certainly applies to men, as well.
quote:Character contributes to beauty. It fortifies a woman as her youth fades. A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude, and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful.
-Jacqueline Bisset
Incidentally, I wouldn't feel badly about not applying to Columbia - I probably wouldn't if I could go back and do it all over again. BTW, you're also the first Gentile person I've ever known who has applied to Brandeis.
I'd probably go to UCSB if I were you - everyone I know who went there loved it. And let me say this - prestige matters in the job market. Having Columbia on my resume has opened a lot of doors for me and I have never not gotten a job that I applied for.
Posted by msquared (Member # 4484) on :
Lalo
I have to bug you about one thing, and believe it or not Tom and I agree on this.
There is nothing wrong with a barbque, a good brat and some slaw. Or some corn on the cob.
I turned 40 last year. What have I done with my life? Not a whole lot except I have a wonderful wife, two great kids that drive me crazy. Maybe I set lower goals, so that I am not disappointed when I don't reach them. I don't know. Is my life perfect. Hell no, but I do know that it is ok to sit back and enjoy life one cold beverage at a time.
msquared
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Lalo,
If/when you go to college, I've got one piece of advice that may be helpful: don't think of it as a transitional phase or something to get through so you can get on with your "real life." College is 4 years, more than a fifth of your current life, and should be undertaken for its own sake.
I made the mistake of treating college as merely an obstacle to get through before they would let me in law school, and missed out on a lot that way.
Dagonee
[ April 26, 2004, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Dagonee ]
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
Edds:
Yeah, you messed up about Berkeley and Columbia. And why Santa Barbara as the only UC? You know you could've done better -- if not Cal, then UCLA or Davis, or heck, even Santa Cruz.
So you're tough and ambitious and the gambling sort. Do what I did. Find a good community college -- one that feeds a lot of students to the school that you want to go to -- move to that area and go there. Get excellent grades. Develop a relationship with the few faculty members that are good and whose endorsement would mean something [and who help keep the experience from being absolutely boring]. Be the big fish in a huge pond full of small fish. And transfer.
Sure you miss out on those first two years. But, at least for me, it was a small price to pay. Plus there's the upside of coming in as a junior with plenty of energy and confidence. Quite a few of my classmates at Cal had been ground down by the competition of the first two years.
In addition, because of the ridiculously low fees at a community college, I was able to reserve all my financial aid for the two years at Cal.
Not the route for everyone. It's a gamble. And you have to work it and stay focused. But if money is seriously an issue -- and none of the above schools really excite you -- then it's the way to go.
Posted by jebus202 (Member # 2524) on :
quote: We don't have a king and so young men have that drive to rise in the order knowing no ceiling, only to be harnessed by the emasculating net of civilization.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, England!
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
It's official. I've been accepted to NYU, the school of my dreams -- and the school that costs twice the amount UCSB does.
I don't know how long I have until I'm forced to make a choice, but I can't have long. Maybe a week or two.
UCSB's cheap(er), a hell of a lot more relaxed, and in a perfect environment for relaxation -- plus, my dad's offered to buy a kayak cheap from his boss should I attend the place. It's fairly prestigious, though not so much as it could be. No extremely strong programs that I know of, though I may well be ignorant of them. I'd be happy there, and laid back -- unfortunately, after four years, I'd hold a degree with little prestige and no particularly powerful influence in guiding me into a prestigious graduate school.
NYU's perfect. Liberal, a party, and prestigious as hell. It's the hell away from my life in California, which, all things considered, is a plus. Ridiculously strong programs in everything I'm interested in, namely a program equipped with heavy dabbling in economics and business, maybe strengthened with a minor in English or literature. It's smack-dab in the middle of New York City, where I've always wanted to live. Very diverse environment, very famous school, a degree from there will carry me a damn long way. Not to mention, I can't help but suspect the education I'll receive will be that much better for the presence of prestigious authors and political figures serving as guest lecturers and professors. As for matriculation, I stand a powerful chance of entering Stern business school if I graduate from NYU's undergraduate program.
Heh, dammit, this is looking like a familiar theme. Happiness vs. accomplishment. If I go to UCSB, I'm effectively writing off any real hope of prestige in my undergraduate degree, as well as slimming my chances of a prestigious graduate degree (in relation to my chances from NYU). On the other hand, I'll have a fun-filled, relaxed four years of kayaking, learning to surf, and partying. The education I receive will be extremely good, if not Ivy-League level, but I may be relatively hobbled in my choices for graduate school should I attend this UC.
NYU can take me wherever I need to go. It's not Ivy League, but its damn as good for anything I can consider -- namely, writing, law, or business. Good chances of a graduate degree from Stern, as well as cultivation of powerful connections in what internships I can get on Wall Street and such. However, I seriously doubt I'll get much down time, which I generally need -- I've grown rather dependent on a laid-back lifestyle, and I'm not sure how happy I'd be in the high-pressure world of New York. On the other hand, I'd no doubt have that much brighter of a long run if I worked my ass off for the next four, eight years.
Dammit.
As for costs, well, NYU's twice the cost of UCSB. My mother's offered to pay half of my college tuition if I attend UCSB, but I'm not sure if she can or will do so if I attend an out-of-state school with a price tag of $40k per year. My father is fairly divided over what I should do, as am I -- he thinks I should attend UCSB for the price, but is also highly supportive of attending NYU, knowing the prestige of the degree and the long-held hope of mine of attending the place.
Help me. Please. I need counsel.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
The counseling you need is beyond our reach.
Posted by Rappin' Ronnie Reagan (Member # 5626) on :
The Olsen twins are going to NYU. That might influence your decision.
edit: Also, is there not any way you can get a scholarship or financial aid?
[ May 13, 2004, 01:52 AM: Message edited by: Rappin' Ronnie Reagan ]
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
Yeah, ha ha ha, you crazy dog you. Beyond the whole I-want-to-sleep-with-half-the-chicks-here issue -- any ideas which college I should attend?
I should add, there's a strong possibility I'll be accepted to BC soon, though I doubt my chances. Just to complicate the issue.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
quote:Thus, belatedly, I realized that the obvious does not have to be stated, yet I could still be supportive while perhaps giving constructive criticism.
Hmm. Jonny's edited his posts from aggressive to the passive-aggressive.
Guy, I don't understand what problem you have with me, but hiding it for the sake of letting this thread look pretty doesn't help. I remember the gist of your earlier posts -- insisting I delight in insults, for example, by citing my comment that Melville's a "hack" -- and I'll write out a reply for you tomorrow. You and I need to talk. I'm not particularly anxious for your approval or friendship, but I'm interested in knowing what I've done to spark your anger.
As far as my last post, I dislike it the more I read it. My problem lies not so much with my inevitability of brutish ugliness as it does with the concept of aging and irretrievable loss. But that issue, too, I'll address tomorrow.
Posted by Suneun (Member # 3247) on :
What's the feasibility of financial aid from NYU?
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
None, apparently. I filed NYU among my primary six with the FAFSA, but the assistant director of admissions doesn't seem to have it on file. Which is more than possible -- I filed the damn thing late. Originally, I didn't expect to file it at all -- I intended to work next year to save up some sort of reserves cushion for the intense debt I'm about to enter. I still might, but after I made that decision, my mother offered to pay half my tuition on the ultimatum that I attend school next year -- I think she's afraid I'll do as my brother did and wind up in the military.
I may yet take next year off, but that would mean deferring admission -- and to do that, I need to pick a school. I can file for financial aid next year, though even that's shaky -- my mother just received a large promotion, but her longstanding debt over the costs of raising two boys alone on a low salary cripples her ability to help me pay for college. But her income may be high enough to screw me for financial aid.
Oy.
Posted by Suneun (Member # 3247) on :
Yuck.
I'd say not to be worried about the work that you might have at NYU. With any luck, you'll choose classes you love, and that work won't be as big a burden as it seems. (I'm saying that as I'm procrastinating for studying for a Friday exam. Hah)
I'd lean towards NYU. But you should sit down and actually plan out the numbers... the cost of living, the realistic amount of money you can make during the year and summers, the kinds of loans you can take... Stuff like that.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
I know what you mean about that.. I filed my FAFSA last year, but I didn't this year, and financial aid assignments are supposedly in our mailboxes right now. I'm too terrified to look. Posted by tt&t (Member # 5600) on :
Uni in NZ. Yeeeeup.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Ryu - it's not too late to file your FAFSA now. You're not eligible for the primo top special stuff, but there's still plenty of federal stuff, even pell grants if you qualify, left at this point.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
New York is one of the most diverse cities in the world and that doesn’t exclude the student body of NYU. “Everyone here is very unique—some you love, some you hate.” Students are individualistic and passionate, “but somehow this manages to bond us all,” and students create close friendships, writes one senior musical theater major. “People are cool and unique,” adds a sophomore. Students are “tolerant and open-minded” and develop neighborly relationships. Students see their peers as adventurous and focused, which “makes for some really interesting people.” A junior English major advises, “If you’re looking for an accepting community, this is it.” If students have any complaints, it is that their peers are sometimes apathetic about campus life, and “as a result, school spirit is negligible.” Still, it’s unlikely that anyone looking for a diverse educational experience will easily find one that surpasses the one found at NYU.
quote:Academics
Most colleges would be honored to have a single world-renowned academic department. Then again, most aren’t New York University. The programs at NYU’s Stern School of Business and the Tisch School of the Arts are among the best undergraduate programs in the country. NYU professors are “very intelligent, informed, and open-minded.” They are both “witty” and “well-prepared” and, considering that many of them live in the city, “tend to be very accessible,” though some students complain that, because of the university’s size, profs occasionally get “lost in the crowd.” Explains one student, “They are helpful in guiding students . . . to careers, internships, grad school programs, good restaurants, movies, hairdressers, and all the best deals that New York City has to offer.” Undergrads also appreciate the fact that professors are often the authors of the textbooks used in class. A senior broadcast journalism major writes that though he harbors “a lifelong hatred towards school and education, I’ve enjoyed learning here.” Students not interested in an academic culture need not apply since, according to one junior, “as a freshman, I began doing work people don’t touch until grad school.” Students get practice as the vociferous liberals they are when dealing with the administration, as they must be “persistent and demanding” in order to get things done. Students rave about online registration, though some complain that upper-level classes close too quickly, “often with the speed of Japan’s bullet train.”
quote:Campus Life
“What do we do for fun?” a senior theater major asks. “We do New York.” While studies are undeniably important, NYU is located in the heart of downtown Manhattan’s Greenwich Village, within shouting distance of hundreds of restaurants, theaters, clubs, and other cultural opportunities. Guess what that means. “Life here is never dull or routine,” a junior politics major writes, and “no student can say that she is bored.” Students who wish to commune with nature spend time bike riding or inline skating in Central Park. Sports fans not only attend college basketball games on campus (the university’s Division III women’s basketball team is among the best in the nation), but can also choose from any of the city’s professional baseball, basketball, football, and hockey teams. Numerous museums and theaters provide more cultural stimulation than a student can possibly absorb in four years. The city’s extensive concert scene assures that both local and national acts can be found somewhere every night of the year. Though there are plenty of on-campus activities, students downplay their importance because of the numerous off-campus opportunities. The lack of a defined campus allows the school to become a part of the city, which, in turn, allows students to smoothly coexist with fellow city dwellers. The tension between towns and campuses that are evident at other universities are nowhere to be found at NYU. While on-campus housing is expensive, the “apartment-style dorms” are often looked upon wistfully by those who end up in almost-as-costly off-campus housing.
quote:National Ratings
#14 Diverse Student Population #1 Gay Community Accepted #17 Great College Theater #9 Intercollegiate Sports Unpopular or Nonexistent #9 Nobody Plays Intramural Sports #13 Lots of Hard Liquor #18 Party Schools #18 Reefer Madness #17 Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians #1 Great College Towns
Students’ bodies might be a more apt description of what’s on a UCSBer’s mind a good portion of the time. “Hot chicks”? Got ‘em. “Good looking guys?” That too. This isn’t to say students at Santa Barbara don’t appreciate their peers’ “open-mindedness” and “easy-going, laid-back” personalities, but at UCSB a premium seems to be placed on being nice looking, too. Some students complain about the amount of navel gazing (prettily pierced, of course) that goes on at the U.: “They are largely selfish and unmotivated, except to get what they want,” writes a senior; while a junior notes that “many don’t want to go outside of their own bubble.” Despite some complaints about diversity (“white is over-represented,” notes a senior) and substance use (“lots of pot smokers/alcoholics”), many UCSB students remark that their fellow students are “the most open-minded anywhere.”
quote:Academics
“I came to this school expecting beer, beaches, and babes,” writes a sophomore. “I was thrilled to find exceptional teachers; eager, intellectual students—and beer, beaches, and babes!” While many of its undergrads did choose this “beautiful,” “laid-back” state school for reasons not quite academic (“sun,” “beach,” “girls/guys,” and “location” seem to be the decisive factors), the University of California at Santa Barbara, with its “friendly people,” “strong liberal faculty” and excellent programs in the sciences and math—as well as in foreign languages, English, theater, and writing—make the school a good choice for the sociable student looking for a solid liberal arts education. Faculty gets high marks all around, and though there’s no avoiding a couple of duds once in a while, UCSB students seem to take all things in stride. A first-year explains: “Most of my professors have been interesting, informative, and inspiring. Of course, there have been a few who have lulled me to sleep better than any soft bed I have ever encountered. In general, though, they get an A+—even if I wasn’t reciprocated with the same grade.” Administrators, too, are well liked—one senior claims that they seem “even stonier than the students”—and work hard to provide resources and services for UCSB’s traditional and nontraditional students. (However, the school could stand to improve its academic counseling and computer facilities, say undergrads.) Basically, academic success at UCSB “all depends on your approach,” concludes a wise freshman. “If you are motivated and determined, you will get the classes you want and the information and resources you need. If you sit around at the beach and just expect to get into all your classes, you will be ‘watching the waves’ for a while.”
quote:Campus Life
“UCSB is the greatest place on earth. Nowhere else in the country can you get a college experience like here. Isla Vista is like Disneyland for 20-year-olds.” High praise coming from southern California, the land of fun and sun. UCSB has something of a reputation for taking the good life seriously—it’s the “University of Casual Sex and Beer,” joke undergrads—and the bustling, upscale communities of Isla Vista and Santa Barbara only serve to heighten the experience. “It’s a very big party school,” writes a second-year, “similar to a Bourbon Street atmosphere.” Many students claim that they spend the first few years “trying to find a balance between academics and social life,” not an easy task when you’ve got the beach, surfing, hiking, barbecues, football, Frisbee golf, parties, and downtown S.B. (not to mention L.A. in an hour and a half) luring you away. Of course, not everyone is so enamored of the outdoorsy, party-hearty culture; some students make it their business to get away, to “Vegas, L.A., San Diego,” all within a day’s drive of campus. Still, it’s hard to complain when the only campus improvement one freshman could think of is “moving sidewalks with back massage specialists everywhere.”
quote:National Ratings
#16 Class Discussions Rare #19 Great College Newspaper #17 Lots of Beer #20 Party Schools #17 Reefer Madness
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
If you were motivated, you could get what you need out of UCSB, to get you into any grad school in the country.
The question is are you motivated enough? It is a hard thing to keep through four years of your life. Where do you think you will get better grades and how will that balance with the letters of recommendation from the more prestigious profs.
How well do you handle cold? It is definitely a factor in New York. If you are miserable when it is cold and gloomy you could easily get fantastically depressed there over a winter. I speak from experience and Oklahoma winters aren't nearly as bad as New York or Chicago winters.
I guess another thing, is how much do you want to change from the person you are now. In four years a lot of change takes place in your own thoughts and views on the world. I would hazard that less would take place at UCSB than if you went to NYU, just because of the comfort zone factor. Californians are different from most of the rest of the country and you will have culture shock when you move. NYU is the environment that is going to stretch you more for sure. It will be a huge change though, and the question is how far can you stretch before you snap?
AJ
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
My supervisor (who sits right here next to me) -- his son attends NYU. Last year was his first year. He is loving it.(He's a great performer) Getting ready to move to a new housing arrangement out on Roosevelt Island (? is that right -- boss on the phone right now so I can't confirm that).
So if you have questions about it, ask me and I'll ask him, etc.
I think you should just GO -- just do it! Don't worry about the money, etc until you get there. Sometimes there are opportunities that come up that require you to just step out (I would say step of faith, but I know you're not religious) and see how the chips fall when you get there.
Farmgirl
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
If you really, really want NYU, you can make it happen. What's the residency requirement? If you take a year, or heck the next six months working and living somewhere in the state, will that significantly reduce your tuition while allowing you to save up some money? Then you're problem will be trying to find something to do with no degree that will actually pay enough to live on and let you save up.
Posted by MrSquicky (Member # 1802) on :
quote:There is no sweeter joy than that of knowing you can make others do what you want
I used to believe that this was true. I've since learned different. I know of a joy ten times that.
Lalo, I don't know if I was ever explicitly told how old you were, but I always knew. It's going to sound condescending, but I've considered you a project. You've got so much potential. I've been watching and hoping that you'll grow into it. I'm telling you dude, I've been where you are and I'm where I am now, and I'm so much better/faster/stronger and above all happier now than I was then. I'm going to give you some advice. Feel free to tell me to yank off, but I think that it could help.
I don't think that what I've learned in my journey from where you are to where I am can be taught. I think that they can only be lived and often suffered through. I'm going to try to give some signposts that I think would have been helpful for me.
Life isn't a race or a contest or anything like that. It's a process. If you approach everything with an eye towards some goal in the future, you're never going to taste the joy and beauty in every single moment (even the really crappy ones) that you are living. The future comes in to it, no doubt (I'm as invested in changing the world as you), but as an aid to the present that helps give it structure, not as a replacement for it.
Beauty, like love or joy or meaning or some many other things, is about 10% about what's outside. You said it yourself, you're in externally one of the better situations you've found yourself in. The lie in our culture is that the external determines the "goodness" of your life. People living in dirt poor third world countries have more joy in their lives than many Americans do. It's about who you are, not, except in cases of serious deprivation, what you have. A person who is capable of joy can, and will, find happiness living in a mud hut. One without this capacity will hate life in a gold palace.
Most people's opinions are worth very little. You can get most people to like you or even give you what they call love by being attractive, funny, powerful, wealthy, etc. This type of regard is, of itself, barely worth having. It can at times be a useful tool, but it has little to say about your true worth. Trust me, you can get very tired of being an object of worship. After a while, you can grow to despair of being the funniest guy in the room.
There are people who see deeper than this. THey are few, but precious. Their respect is worth more than all the adulation in the world. When such as these know you, truely and deep down, in all your strong points and weaknesses, and find you worthy, this is something to find confidence in. This is yours to carry around with you through whatever the rest of the world thinks, even when you are no longer strong or young or beautiful.
These type of people don't glorify you because you are strong, nor do they hate or look down on you because you are weak. It is the total picture than earns their regard. When you have it, instead of being over them or them over you, you are on the same level. It's from there that you can really build things. It's in building things or in feeding them and seeing them grow, that it one of the greatest opportunities for joy.
Chief of importance here is to be such a person and to honestly be able to respect yourself. If you do, the rest will come.
WIth you Eddie, I always am afraid that you mistake weakness for strength. The need to have power over other people, to force them to see as you do, is weakness. If people can or have to be forced, their agreement is not worth having. Anger is usually a manifestation of fear and not something to be proud of, but rather something to overcome. Two of the strongest things I person can do is to admit that they don't know things, that they doubt what they think they know and to acknowledge that other people can disagree with them, even hold opposite views, and not be either wrong or supid/evil/deceived or whatever. Confidence is when you can admit your weaknesses and prize the strength of others, not when you deceive yourself into think you have no weaknesses and believe that all who don't agree with you are automatically wrong.
My advice is to always try to recognize when you are taking the easy path. Anger is easy, taking power from a situation is easy, seeing only the bad in people who disagree with you is easy. Eden's a dream, and a lying one at that. Growth, and believe it or not joy, comes from taking the hard way. Life is the meaning of life, but it only takes on this meaning if you struggle.
Ehhh...maybe I'm talking about of my rear here. Again, disregard anything you want to. I felt that saying this was important. I would love to see you develop into the person that I think you can be. I've seen too many people betray the light they carry because they bought into the stupid way the world seems to work.
[ May 13, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: MrSquicky ]
Posted by Risuena (Member # 2924) on :
quote: If I go to UCSB, I'm effectively writing off any real hope of prestige in my undergraduate degree, as well as slimming my chances of a prestigious graduate degree (in relation to my chances from NYU).
First of all, prestige in your undergrad is not that important, particularly if you know you're going to go to graduate school. If you do decide to go to UCSB, it won't prevent you from getting into any grad school as long as you've got the grades to back it up.
If NYU is your dream school but you can't afford it, would it be possible to go somewhere else for a year or two and then transfer? That way you wouldn't rack up as much debt and you'd have the possibility of finding more financial aid.
And I have to say this because I learned it the hard way (and it's sounds like you're trying to follow in my footsteps) - always file the FAFSA and always file it as early as possible. Often schools will only give merit-based aid to people who filed the FAFSA. So file it even if you don't think you'll qualify for need-based aid.
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
quote: it won't prevent you from getting into any grad school as long as you've got the grades to back it up.
True but incomplete. My 4.0 from a not-so prestigious university did get me into every school I applied to. It got me absolutely nothing in terms of funding, though. Just as with his current undergraduate situation, he could end up with an offer he can't take because he isn't in a position to afford it.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
I agree with Celia.
And would add something that Eddie mentioned:
Prestigious schools have more prestigious, better internships and/or involvement in on-campus research -- and those can make a huge difference in opening up the door to career or grad school opportunities.
I've compared the internship/job opportunity book of UC Berkeley with the local Cal State. There's no comparison.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
It's definitely a trade-off. I went to a pretty prestigious school for undergrad, and while all of my friends got jobs pretty easily, many of us got turned away from good grad schools. If I had gone to an easier school and gotten a 4.0 I might be at MIT or Cal Tech for my Master's. As things are I have a really nice undergrad degree and am going to Cal State Long Beach for my Master's. ::shrug::
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
That's a good point, sax.
It all depends on how competitive you're going to be at the presitigious school. My fear for Eddie is that he might be tempted to let things slide a bit at UCSB.
Of course, if that's true then I guess my community college idea above might not work for him either. To make that work you have to be the top of your class, loved by all your profs and get straight A's.
Posted by Alexa (Member # 6285) on :
quote: serving no purpose but consumption of the resources of the world and reproduction with another historically worthless bitch
What is the cause of such animosity towards women?
Posted by Nick (Member # 4311) on :
Maybe he just got screwed over by some woman, like I just did. I think that phrase is a rather fitting description of my ex, and might of his ex as well. Of course, I could be totally wrong about Eddie. Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
My guess is that Eddie will be a pastor in 5 years.
Of course, I've been known to be wrong.
[ May 13, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: advice for robots ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Not unless he chooses a denomination with a lot shorter candidacy process than average. Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
My guess is he'll be Mormon and on a mission in four.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Yep, that's doable.
Posted by monteverdi (Member # 2896) on :
Lalo, EWS,
My fresh tulip! Stretching your prestigious, fragile, neck out only to find yourself surrounded by acres of tulips! Reds, Yellows, Purples, Whites, all spelling out: WELCOME TO TALAHASEE, if anyone notices while walking on the promenade.
Posted by Frisco (Member # 3765) on :
Weird.
7 years ago about this time, I was sticking out my neck. I knew I needed to take a year off before college, but I was worried that Columbia wouldn't give me such a nice financial aid package as they had. So, off I went to NYC instead of staying close to home and going to K-State.
A year later, I dropped out and moved to Tallahassee. I can still picture the welcome flowers.
Will Little Eddie follow Big Eddie's path?
Perhaps we need another monteverde prophesy.
(actually, as monteverde's my grandmother's maiden name, I'm 1/4 monteverde. Maybe I should try my hand at prophesy.)
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
I'm nowhere near as capable as Eddie -- if he dropped out when he knew he wasn't ready to commit to another four years of education, I certainly won't be able to perform, much less thrive in college.
I wrote this post in my LJ earlier, and the more I think on it, the more I'm enjoying the prospect. I have one hell of a love affair with the sea. Thoughts?
[I intentionally don't reply to posts like Squick's (or Jeni's or Eddie's or anyone else's) in this thread, since there's no possible way I could do it any sort of justice -- nor could I make even a pretense at addressing the number without impossible redundancy and/or inanity. Therefore, when I respond, I do so in general terms, so as to not show favoritism and reveal Squick as one of the best damn people I've had the pleasure to know. I'm above that.]
quote:For those who don't follow my life events, I've been accepted to both NYU and UCSB (and waitlisted by BC, but that's a ridiculously unlikely shot). I'm torn between the two. NYU's prestigious, absolutely brilliant in any field I could possibly go into (namely English, literature, economics, business, political science, et. all), and in the middle of goddamn New York City. If I'm ever to accomplish anything with my life, NYU on my resume will almost certainly be a big boost in my attaining its achievement -- not only for the college's prestige, but also for the obscene number of connections I can make in NYC what with internships at Wall Street or hookers in Time Square. The latter will particularly help me should I ever go out to DC -- I'll need experience with whores if I'm to deal with Republicans. But yeah, NYU's everything I could want in a university. Unfortunately, it's not only impossibly expensive ($40k per year), it's also ridiculously high-pressure, or so I hear -- and I don't do well under pressure. Well, granted, I don't generally operate at all except under pressure, but I'm also fairly miserable when I'm forced to attain more with my life than fun and games -- add this to my general angsty gotta-do-something-with-my-life-before-I-shuffle-off-this-mortal-coil sentiment, and you got one confused-ass Mexican gringo.
UCSB's benefits aren't quite the polar opposite of NYU's perks, but they're not far from it. Of course UCSB's very prestigious in its own right, and half the cost of NYU (at a current $20k, though with probable cost increases in the future thanks to Ahnuld's education budget cuts) but it has all of, what, three Nobel laureates to boast of? Granted, I may stand a strong chance of transferring to Berkeley after two years, but then I'd just have the same problem then as I do now -- a choice between a difficult but powerful university and a laid-back, easygoing college. I don't intend to demean UCSB -- it really is excellent -- but it's not in the same tier as Berkeley or NYU.
But it's also fun. A ridiculous amount of fun. If I go there, I'll be right next to the beach, and I have a standing offer from my father out in Redlands to buy a kayak from his boss for cheap, should I choose to attend the place. Don't ask me why a guy in Redlands would have a kayak. But damn. UCSB's one hell of a four-year party. Isla Vista is populated by the most gorgeous women I've ever seen. I can learn to surf. I can take lonely romantic moonlit walks along the beach. I can make love on the moonlit beach. I can kayak out alone in the moonlight. There's a whole crapload of things I can do regarding moonlight and that beach should I choose to go to the damn place.
But do I want to? UCSB's not shameful, at all, but it won't draw the admiration an NYU degree would. There are no connections to be made, save those to rich blonde daddy's girls -- while they'll no doubt be entertaining while they last, I should at least pretend to think of the long-term ramifications of my B.A. For example, if I go to NYU, I have a ridiculously strong chance of making it into Stern business school, one of the, what is it, top ten business schools in the country? Just ridiculous. It's an important consideration to take into account -- but then, am I even going to have a business career? The only skill I'm half-talented in is writing, and even then, I'm not Melville reborn. NYU's got strong programs for that, too, of course -- and I could always apply for law school upon graduating NYU undergrad with a strong chance of acceptance thanks to my alma mater -- but, eh. I've no idea what I want to do with my life.
Increasingly, I find myself dreaming of deferring admission. I of course stand to risk what financial aid my mother's willing to offer me, but then, I'm not her puppet. She hasn't been my mother and I haven't been her son for years -- if she wants to believe she's a good person by paying for whatever percentage of my college tuition, I'm fine with it, but I'm nowhere near delusional enough to believe she's paying for my sake over her own. I need her money, but not at the cost of my pride and autonomy -- worse comes to worst, I'll shoulder the burden myself.
No. The more I think about it, the more I realize I don't know what I want to do with my life. I've no idea what I'm good at, and even less knowledge of what I enjoy. I need to experience life before I train for a professional career for it. I risk god knows how many thousands of dollars if I train for a profession I come to hate. No. I can't gamble. I'll register at both universities, and defer admission at both -- one year from today, I'll choose whichever one is more appropriate for me as befits my newfound experience.
I have a standing fantasy of reliving Melville's life. The chance of commercial whaling is of course beyond me -- or is it? -- but there's no reason why I can't take on a job as a fisherman for a season. Heh, at least not beyond my impossible seasickness -- but that'll go away as I gain my sea legs. I can extend my summer bike tour, and maybe tap DC and run a quick detour through the South to hit New Orleans and Pearce and etceteras. I can visit New Zealand, maybe -- maybe work my way there on a freighter or something.
Hmm. I'm a strong young man, I shouldn't have too much trouble getting employment as manual labor. And if I get a boss who's willing to tolerate my initial seasickness for two weeks, I may yet get a chance to live that dream.
Of course, heh, this takes away from my just-ended dream job of a counter man at Subway -- and I do so hate to take away from the glamour of my resume. Heh. I can do all the romantic crap I've wanted to do in this coming year. Why not? I have no standing commitments. I have nobody worth staying for, nor any responsibilities I'd leave unfulfilled. I have so little time and so much less youth -- why not live life to its fullest while I have the chance? I doubt I'll make much money, but then, this isn't about money. This is about getting horribly sick on a boat. This is about exploration of the wide world, come hell and high water. This is about giving my life a shot at petty romance before it settles into the tired rhythm of sitcoms and car repair that so characterizes and caricaturizes modern American life. This is about knowing happiness and discovering satisfaction. This is about what remnants of my soul I haven't yet sold.
Goddammit. This is about what few high points in my life I'll ever have.
I need to know what I can do before I decide who I'll become. I need money for college in any case -- no job I'm experienced for will pay much, but it'll pay something. And the money's secondary, anyway, to the importance of life experience in my underlived universe.
Damn. So am I decided? Am I going to defer admission and become a fisherman, of all possible jobs? There's any number of easier jobs available I can think of offhand, but none with the excitement or romance of the sea -- goddamn, I must read Melville too much. Why am I so in love with this idea? I'm a terrible seaman, all dirty jokes aside. I get sick in goddamn powerboat cruises around a bay. And I'll go stir-crazy on a tiny boat with nowhere to go and less to do, between my no doubt to-be-constant barfing periods. But heh. Jesus. It's a must. I'll do it.
This means travelling light. This means I can't have my computer, nor anything of actual value -- I'll be forced to live on essentially the same provisions I have for my bike trip. Somewhere to sleep, clothes to wear, a journal, and books -- but no television but that provided by someone else. No Internet. No car. Probably rare meals but those I filch from the catches. Will I have enough money to rent an apartment? Will I do this at all? The more I think about it, the crazier it becomes -- heh. Good.
Let's test my mettle.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I think you're crazy. I also don't think all-around prestige is as important as having a good reputation in whatever it is that you're studying.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Eddie, I think the multiple contradictory images you keep trying to cultivate get in the way of your attempts to discover who you actually ARE.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
FYI, if you defer and then back out, universities get REALLY ticked. I had to write Columbia a letter to get them off my back.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
Holy god in heaven.
I sent the admissions director (or someone thereabouts) a letter a while back.
Now I'm being offered an $18,000 scholarship, apparently.
I don't know the details -- she left it as a message on our answering machine, and my mom erased it before I got the chance to hear it -- but this tilts the playing field dramatically.
Doesn't it?
Crap. This may mean I can't take next year off.
I, crap, I've got no idea how I'm feeling about this. Thrilled to get the scholarship, angry at the loss of my time, disappointed in the vaporization of what wild fantasies I've entertained... Yeesh...
Man. I could use a hug. Possibly some oral sex. I really gotta clear my mind.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Who's the scholarship from?
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
lalo,
suck it up. you're turing into a right bore.
fallow
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
God alone knows. I'm not sure what the hell's going on -- apparently the woman at the admissions office said if I were to attend NYU, there are $18k in scholarships I could have. My mother's under the impression that means they'll give me $18k if I go there. I'm suspicious that they mean I can apply for $18k in scholarships and see what happens.
And if is apply-for money, I won't win it. My GPA is absolute shit -- all that's saved me are my testing scores and essays. And in this latest revelation, probably the letter I sent the admissions office back, what, a week or two ago.
Gah.
I need to clear my head.
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
East or West? I vote east! *kicks lalo toward the atlantic*
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
Er, sorry, Kat. I failed to mention -- the $18k scholarship's from NYU. It lowers the price of NYU to relatively equal with UCSB.
Assuming it's there at all.
Gah...
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
go East, Lalo.
fallow
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Eddie:
1) Take a firmer hand in your own future. Understand the finances and requirements.
2) Stop pretending to want things that you don't actually want. You don't get style points for acting callow.
Posted by fallow (Member # 6268) on :
lalo,
Listen to Tom. he speaks the truth, when he's not urinating. *listen for the tinkle*
fallow
Posted by tt&t (Member # 5600) on :
(((((Eddie)))))
See? Ask, and ye shall recieve.
I decline on the oral sex, though. Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
quote: Confidence is when you can admit your weaknesses and prize the strength of others, not when you deceive yourself into think you have no weaknesses and believe that all who don't agree with you are automatically wrong.
Though possibly meaningless coming from me, Squick, that's a fantastic way to articulate that.
Just FYI.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
Tom, I'm not sure I understand you. How much firmer a hand can I take in my future than I am? Granted, I need to decide what the hell I'm going to do, but when I figure that much out, I'm set to do it.
I'm not, as you complained, "pretending to want things you don't actually want" -- whatever the hell that means. Your disapproval of my "acting callow" can refer only to my expressed desire for oral sex -- while I am picky about potential donors, heh, I swear on my honor, I really would appreciate some right now. As far as the sailing fantasy goes, it's one hell of a temptation. But I may not be able to take up on it, because...
...NYU's letter is due to be postmarked by tomorrow. Yeah. God alone knows why my mother a) erased the message and b) didn't tell me this earlier, but I've just been informed that I'll have to mail my acceptance by tomorrow, or not at all.
As ironic as this is coming after my protestation that I have firm control over my life, due to the deadline, I have no choice but to mail the damn thing. And dammit, I think I'm happy about it. NYU's one hell of a university -- it may not have a beach, but hell, it's NYC.
But damn, I'll miss that beach. I may never have another chance to live alongside one. Nor may I know such an easygoing environment ever again.
It looks like I'm making up my mind. NYU's my choice, if the scholarship money is real. And if the money is real, I may go for my freshman year, then, as Jeni suggested, during my sophomore year take a "vacation term" and learn to be a sailor in the Atlantic then, when my scholarship's safely secured.
But, dammit, I'm not happy about this. I'll have responsibilities then, friendships and lovers and financial concerns. Responsibilities I can't lightly throw away for a year -- right now, none of my friendships in MeatSpace are particularly binding, given that we don't expect to see each other again once we graduate. I'll never have such independence from the affairs of men again.
If I can, I'll ask that my scholarship be deferred for a year along with my admission. If it can't, I have no choice but to attend next year.
I'll miss UCSB. A damn fine school. But ultimately, all it has to offer is a school -- NYU can offer me NYC. Wall Street and Central Park. Hookers walking Times Square and prostitutes in business suits. Though the place doesn't have the appeal it once did -- neither Sean nor Eddie live in NYC anymore -- I'm sure I'll find something up there worth spending time with.
Oy. My emotions are ridiculously divided over this decision. On the one hand, NYU's the college of my dreams, and has been for years -- on the other, what kind of responsibilities am I taking on by bearing the heavier yoke of a high-pressure world? If my knees buckled under the gentle hand of high school, how the hell am I going to carry New York on my back?
I know I need some time off, something to focus my life on than getting by in classes that barely interest me. This need is in no small part motivation for my bike tour -- I want to disengage my mind from my arm for some time, to live life without thinking too deeply on it. This bike tour's perfect -- I loved running for its ability to blank out my thoughts to the rhythm of my feet, and I can do the same this summer, by focusing on the simple task of pumping my feet to the tune in my earphones. The sea holds that same beautiful simplicity -- I can lose myself in the early mornings and easy beauty of the open sea, concentrating less on what I need to do than what I want to do.
Well, no, it's not that I want to disengage my mind -- I'm after simplicity, not stupidity. Simple responsibilities to ensure my independence and autonomy from complex problems. Running to the sea to find this life is admittedly a damn stupid fantasy, but I think it's doable -- one of my few gifts is my strength, and I don't think I need much to join a seasonal crew, union issues aside. If I can do this, I want to -- not for the sacks of money and oodles of prestige I'm bound to get from the job, but for the greater rewards of a hard job done well by the strength of my arm in a beautiful environment. For knowing other aspects of life before I commit to any one avenue of it. The life of a laborer is hard, but hell, people come from my father's country every day to work for daily wages a fraction of what I would make hourly, their shaky careers found in much harsher conditions, with much more difficult work. For my part, I can at least pretend to know a job that requires sweat before I lose whatever chance I ever had to exercise such a lifestyle.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
"Your disapproval of my 'acting callow' can refer only to my expressed desire for oral sex..."
Well, no. It refers to a number of things in which you express mostly feigned interest -- like a fishing career, New York whores, and so on. I'm sure, like most people, you find these things just briefly intriguing -- but like most people, Eddie, you know they're not for you. Unlike most people, though, you feel the need to hang them out there as valid options to serve as a kind of shield, a distraction from the life you ACTUALLY want to be living.
And trust me, you aren't taking control of your college options. You don't know how much the schools cost, you don't know what your scholarship options are, you haven't applied for any independent scholarships, and you frequently contacted me a day or two before the final day an essay was due to get my opinion on it. This does not constitute an organized approach to your future.
(As a side note, I think you perhaps overestimate the "simplicity" of being a whaler, and underestimate the men involved. I know quite a few people who're now fishermen who got college degrees -- and, if you're still attracted to the possibility, keep in mind that fishing is a popular summer job with a certain college crowd, depending on your willingness to travel -- and be trapped on a boat for three months with a bunch of middle-aged men with moustaches.)
[ May 17, 2004, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]
Posted by Ethics Gradient (Member # 878) on :
Not much surprises me, Lalo. Not that you're younger than I assumed or that you're going to as great a school as NYU.
Nice work, mate. Congratulations.
And to echo what so many others have said, you'll be a different person in a few years. Women will find you attractive and life will be sweet. I used to think that chicks'd never dig me. It wasn't a problem once I was comfortable with who I am.
Gee, that sounded dumb.
*
Hi, Toni. *waves*
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
quote:Well, no. It refers to a number of things in which you express mostly feigned interest -- like a fishing career, New York whores, and so on. I'm sure, like most people, you find these things just briefly intriguing -- but like most people, Eddie, you know they're not for you. Unlike most people, though, you feel the need to hang them out there as valid options to serve as a kind of shield, a distraction from the life you ACTUALLY want to be living.
You misunderstand in a big way here, Tom. I've no interest in a fishing career -- but as a seasonal job before I go back to education? I'm very interested. I don't underestimate the men involved -- god knows I have much to learn about fishing, starting with which end of the pole to hold -- but if little else, I'm good muscle, and quick to learn. I've no idea what's left to do on a boat that isn't done better by a machine -- hauling in nets, stacking crates, navigating, etc. -- but surely they can find a use for me somewhere. I don't demean the worth or education of a whaler; I only accurately judge the sort of job I'm experienced enough for on a fishing expedition.
My references to the many prostitutes of New York, if you've paid attention, are cracks at Republicans and businessmen. I find little intrigue in contracting venereal disease, and even less understanding of why you decided to believe I held such an interest.
As far as your declaration that "you feel the need to hang them out there as valid options to serve as a kind of shield, a distraction from the life you ACTUALLY want to be living" -- which life is it, exactly, that I'm so intent on living? If you know, tell me -- I'm rather fuzzy on the details, myself.
As far as my understanding of the schools goes... Tom, read my second post in this thread. It lists the total costs of each college, including tuition, housing, meal plans, etc. I've been frightfully negligent in the independent scholarships, true, but only because I know I won't qualify for any. Hell, my PSAT score was high enough to win me a National Merit scholarship -- unfortunately, since my GPA is below a 3.5, I won only a "National Merit Honor" award. Similarly, to qualify for the National Hispanic Scholar (or some similar title) award, I needed to score in the top 2% of Hispanics, I believe. Which, of course, I did. But GPA was too low for me to be considered a scholar -- I won a similar honor from the society, and nothing more. There are some few scholarships around that don't demand my GPA, I know, and I feel guilty for not applying for them -- however, failure to apply for scholarships represents only added future cost on my shoulders; irresponsibility, not lack of control. An irresponsibility which, might I add, a seasonal fishing job would have helped me pay off.
As far as the essays go, you were a great help with the UC essays. I can't thank you enough. But those were due in November. The rest of my applications were due months later, and I relied on Eddie's ridiculously patient help for those. I won't deny that I frequently waited until the last second to write my essays -- my NYU essay, in particular, was written in quite literally the eleventh hour, my older essay scrapped in light of last-minute advice from my heterosexual soulmate and NYU alumnae Sean -- but for the most part, my essay was fairly well-crafted and honed for weeks thanks to poor beleagured Eddie's revision. I did send it to you in the last second, as an afterthought -- no disrespect is intended, but you weren't key in crafting this essay, and your advice, while invaluable, couldn't possibly suggest anything Eddie hadn't already tossed out -- but I placed little responsibility on your shoulders, at least for those. Similarly, I tossed it out to Moose, who caught some damn important revisions. I contacted both him and you because I hold enormous respects for your intellects and I was willing to whore out my essay to whoever could refine it just that much more; but while I'm enormously grateful for both your help, there's no denying Eddie's far larger burden of gratitude from me. That is to say, while you were damn helpful, my ultimate victory in NYU (the essay for which Eddie edited even as I wrote each succeeding paragraph) and most others is due to the help of Eddie, with whom I collaborated for quite some time.
But now that I have that out of the way -- honest, guy, I don't know how I've lessened myself in your eyes (unless, understandably, all the useless dissipation in this thread is getting to you), but neither did I realize I had become such a pathetic manic that you would come to disbelieve me when I declare my interest in a certain field. You don't know me as well as I'd like and your family to, but for the record, I have a standing love for Melville, and no slight interest in experiencing what few aspects of his life still available today. I also love the sea, despite my embarrassing penchant for throwing up whenever I board a ship -- I doubt I'll ever be Ahab born again, but there's no reason why I shouldn't try out the sea while I'm still young and strong and responsibility-free enough to carry through with the dream.
Unless, of course, I'm no longer responsibility-free. God, I hope I can defer this scholarship, provided it exists in the first place.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
Heh, of course they find you attractive, EG -- you've got a foreign accent. How can they resist?
As far as my fears go, I worry not so much that women won't eventually find me attractive, but that in time what slight grip I have on the steel pole of youth will weaken with age, and my exotic dance will abruptly end with wounded pride and a damaged body, incapable of returning to any semblance of its former, if not glory, power. But I've been meaning to update this thread and correct several understandably mistaken impressions for some time -- even I'm nowhere near narcissistic enough to create a landmark centered around my, sigh, oh-so-wonderful beauty. Heh. No, my problem lies with the same goddamn problem that's plagued every philosopher and angst-ridden fourteen-year-old girl for the past couple millenia -- the irreversible and unrepairable flow of time, which yes, does rob us of youth, strength, and beauty; but more importantly, steals opportunity from between my fingertips, its theft usually irreplacable and always costly to what few opportunities available for exploitation lie in what little future I have remaining.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
/trivial detail rant
Well you ARE totally ignorant about commercial fishing. In this day and age it rarely involves a pole, and mostly involves nets. Haven't you ever been to the docks and watched them unload fish with the seagulls circling overhead? It is a smelly business and probably directly related to why I don't like seafood. And I have a friend who went to Alaska to do that for a summer and very much enjoyed herself, however I think you will find it to be a lot of physical labor just like your planting trees was. The best summer job I know of though it involved a lot of physical labor, was the friends I had who spent the summer as trail hands in Yosemite packing the researchers and mtn climbers supplies in by horseback, and running horsback tours for tourists.
/end trivial detail rant
Posted by Alexa (Member # 6285) on :
It's true. You are going to age. Your physical well being will peak. Your body will eventually start to deteriorate. You are going to die. People will forget you. Life will move on. What does that have to do with your life?
If life, ageing, death, and obscurity freak you out, you are very insecure. That is ok tho, you are still only 18. Your view on life now will change in 5, 10, 20, 30, 50 years. It is good that no one’s maturity is static.
Posted by Valentine014 (Member # 5981) on :
What?! Eddie is labeled "insecure" because "life, ageing, death, and obscurity" freak him out?
Excuse me, but doesn't that make the entire human race insecure?
Edit: Glad to see at least you have it together, Alexa.
[ May 17, 2004, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: Valentine014 ]
Posted by Alexa (Member # 6285) on :
The first 7 paragraphs of Eddie's first post followed by
quote: Others have led insignificant lives as well, serving no purpose but consumption of the resources of the world
show more of an obsession and insecurity of ageing then he will have in 5, 10, 20 years. People's maturity is not static. I hope to hell I am more mature in 30 years then I am now, and it would be ridiculous to think I have peaked in my understanding of life. It should be comforting to Eddie to know that how he feels now will probably not be how he feels during the rest of his life.
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
Lalo,
I thought Tom was refering to you saying
quote: My mother's under the impression that means they'll give me $18k if I go there. I'm suspicious that they mean I can apply for $18k in scholarships and see what happens.
in his post. Seriously, why aren't you calling this woman back and asking which it is?
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
ditto celia, the phone is a cheap and easy way to find out!
AJ
(Actually I assumed you were calling since it is merely common sense. It never dawned on me that you might not. If your mother complains about the phone bill, expending a few dollars to find out about 18K in scholarships and a decision that effects the rest of your life, is more than a fair trade.)
[ May 17, 2004, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: BannaOj ]
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
Yeah, I thought so as well, but since no one had mentioned it, I thought I should just in case. I would hate to find out tomorrow that he missed today's postmark because it didn't occur to him to call.
[ May 17, 2004, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: celia60 ]
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
For the record, I was gonna mention calling the Admissions Office about the 18 grand, but Celia wins the "addressing the most immediate concern" award. -Bok
Posted by monteverdi (Member # 2896) on :
The sun, the sun, the sun, Our tulip stretchs his final little inch--until Spread-eagled broken blooms reveal Nothing much, and fall, or flutter, One by one by one
To ground. There, Beside a green shoot of some waking beauty the petals fade back to themselves.
I saw it all happen this morning, While I walked to the corner store To buy some more milk for my coffee: The flower collapsed, like a bad metaphor.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
).
![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
), you will still be left with the beauty and strength of your mind. And that is one awesome mind you've got there. You have incredible potential, use it well. ![[Kiss]](graemlins/kiss.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)