posted
Truth be told, I've been waiting to do this almost since I got here, but I promised that I'd wait until I was right here, typing, and hope that I didn't find a dearth of things to say.
Here goes. I was born on June 17th, 1985, at 8:40 am, apparently. My childhood was rather normal, very happy. I guess I had a great life, all in all.
Of course I can say that now, when I'm so far away from that time. Truly, at times I was miserable. I was overweight, (I persist to be so, though I'm more muscle now than then) shy, and eager to please. I was bored in school by the things the teachers were trying to teach us, because I already knew it all. I had difficulties getting along with people, difficulties controlling my own emotions. I was bullied, though I hesitate to call it that, until just after I got into High School.
But when I got into 2nd grade, a new influence was imposed on my life. Before, the people who had made the most impression on my life were my family. I had had friends, but I lost them. In retrospect I'm glad I did, because at that point I met my best friend, who's been part of my life forever since then. I'll call her C.
C and I just clicked. We did and do understand each other possibly better than anyone else. I most seriously have no idea what I'd be doing with my life if it weren't for her. She's much more grounded than I am, much more in contact with the real world. She's one of the major parts of my life up to now, and I hope she'll continue to be.
Despite, and maybe because of, the fact that C and I were so close, I had no other friends worth mentioning, and was often the butt of cruel jokes. Nothing physical, just nasty words, but I put so much emphasis on words that I couldn't deny that it hurt me. I guess I was just an unlikeable person at that time. Quiet, but perhaps a little haughty. I hadn't realized it, but I was distancing myself from people. The bullying got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore, so I decided to make a change.
The wrong one, in retrospect. You see, people made fun of me for being overweight and ugly. Instead of deciding merely that I just didn't care what they thought about me, I decided that it wouldn't hurt if I knew that they were right. It was a stupid decision, and one that I've only recently started to try to overcome. But for me, it was easier to endure their taunts about being fat and ugly when I understood that I was.
Around 10th grade, I started to become uncomfortable around C. She... She was different around me, somehow, and it bothered me. It wormed its way deep inside me, and it seemed as if she was trying to tell me something, but the truth was, I hadn't the capacity to understand. I can't understand much without words. But gradually it became clear to me that she seemed to want more than a friendship.
It scared me, I was confused about myself like all kids were, but I couldn't imagine myself being more than friends with her, and I tried to convey that without stating it explicitly. I was clumsier about things like that at that time.
Partly it was funny, because when she finally told me she was a lesbian, I was actually surprised. To me, it was more important the way she was treating me than what she was or wasn't.
Eventually, though, everything got a whole lot better. I slowly came to be comfortable around her again, and we started again to have that incredible rapport that we share.
Truthfully, that's one of the most major moments of my life. I can't have imagined it would happen, but it was something like a baptism by fire for my most treasured friendship, and I'm glad to say it survived.
It's hard to say exactly who or what I am in words, without oversimplifying, but that's true for everyone and everything. (grin) I have to be seen to be believed.
Perhaps the easiest way to convey who I am is by telling you what I love.
I love words no matter where they're from, because they let me channel my deepest feelings from the places they're hidden or locked away. I love my family, because they know me and they still love me. I love my best friend, because sometimes she understands me measures better than I understand myself, and because sometimes I understand her measures better than she understands herself.
I love the color green, because that's the color I am in my mind's eye. I love the world, because in it I am alive. I love people because they're all so very different. I love the moon and the stars and the cool nights and green grasses and the wind. I love it here because I can try to make myself understood and try to make myself better. I love learning. I love reading. I love creating and dreaming. Sometimes I love to cry. I love to sleep.
Hello Hatrack. My name is Abby. It's nice to meet you.
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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I had noticed you were getting close to 1000, and was keeping my eyes peeled for a landmark post from you. That was great. Thank you for sharing! Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Honey child, you're gonna pass me up before I know it. Kids grow up so fast these days!
I had a really hard time through most of high school. I got picked on and made fun of a lot. My group of friends interacted mostly by finding innovative ways to make fun of each other, but I always had trouble keeping up so I mostly just made fun of myself. It got to the point where I really did believe myself to be the worst person in the whole world, totally without worth. Getting to that point where self-deprecation becomes self-loathing changes you. It leaves scars that take a long time to heal, if they ever do. I'm doing a lot better now, but I still have self-esteem problems sometimes.
Why am I giving you my life story in your landmark thread? Well, because I like you a lot, and I hate it when I think people are going through that same emotional hell that I went through. Maybe you never really hated yourself, I don't know, and maybe you're better now, but I know that when I was in that phase it would really have helped me to know that there were people out there that liked me. That was eventually the key to the salvation of my self-worth.
There are plenty of people that appreciate you, Abby, and I'm one of them. I've really enjoyed your posts from the start and I think you've really become a part of this community.
Congratulations on 1000, and if I seem a little jealous of your fame and renown when you do your 2000th way before I ever get to mine, don't take it too seriously.
quote:I love the color green, because that's the color I am in my mind's eye.
This was a very interesting line.
I love all the things you love, too. I'm forever surprised by how many people don't love other people, don't love all the little things that make you feel acutely alive. I think I feel a special bond with people who do.
Nice to meet you, Abby.
Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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rivka: I'm flattered to know that you've been watching me! (grin) It's rather easy for me to be green, though. I just plain am.
Icarus: Thank you!
Jane: (blushes) Thanks!
Synesthesia: Post on fluff threads, it goes a lot faster then. I can't wait to read yours, so hurry up!!
TAK:
Saxon: Thank you. It really is wonderful to know that people like me out there. I never hated myself, partly because I find it difficult to hate anyone or anything. Whenever I start, I catch myself and start telling myself all the good things about whatever or whoever I hate. Ever judicious, that's me. I'm glad (inasmuch as I can be glad about such terrible emotional problems ) to hear that you've overcome (or are overcoming) your self-hatred. (likes you!!) (loves being called -chan!!)(Hugs you back)
Ralphie: We're like two peas in some sort of pea-enclosure! (happy) It's wonderful to know that I'm not alone in my infinite appreciation of the world. Thank you so much.
Celia:
Ryan: Am I really all that great? Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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You're a clever person, I think, and you are great person. You already are a great addition to hatrack.
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
wow. someone wants to read a landmark thread of mine? could I post one at 500? i seem to be a person of few words at times.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Great Landmark Post, RyukoAbby! I don't think I've seen your name before, or if I did, I wasn't paying attention.
I realized a few weeks ago that *I* still haven't given my name either, or if I did, noone was paying attention, because I've had to assert my femininity a few times. So I've decided to wait untill my landmark post. I've also decided to be a not-very-cool person and do it at 500, because I only have two weeks of mostly-untinterrupted hatrack time left before I start college.
Consider this a teaser. Consider yourself teased.
Posts: 4089 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Wow, Zotto, even I have more posts than you. And Ryuko and I registered at the same time, I never realized that.
Posts: 4089 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Kayla: Thank you for making my friend say Boy Howdy.
T_Smith: Thanks. (Grin)
Synesthesia: I'm sure you could if you want to.
Filletted: (grins) We have green in common then. Cool. Thanks, Mike.
Icarus: I had no idea there was an all-military hotel at Disney. You learn something new every day.
sarcasticmuppet: (Is still teased) (waits)
eslaine: (blushes) Thanks! I'm sure you had more fun at orientation than you had reading my post...
Zotto!: (sips juice) YAY! And yes, I did do my post on that exact day, just so you'd miss it. I'm evil that way. (in that case it should be ) Yay! Integral experience! (feels so cool!) Like I said earlier, just post in fluff threads to get your count up! You could even beat me! Another tip is to start coming once a day and MORE than once a day. (returns wedgie)
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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) to hear that you've overcome (or are overcoming) your self-hatred. (likes you!!) (loves being called -chan!!)(Hugs you back)![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
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) Yay! Integral experience! (feels so cool!) Like I said earlier, just post in fluff threads to get your count up! You could even beat me! Another tip is to start coming once a day and MORE than once a day. (returns wedgie)
