I was born on March 5, 1986 into a half-Mormon, half-atheist family. My parents had married in an LDS temple, but shortly after my sister (who is older than me) was born, my dad stopped believing in God. My parents lived unhappily together until I was about 5. We lived in Colorado. My dad hated his job in Colorado, and pretty much hated his life there. He interviewed with the IRS in Washington D.C. and took a job there. He left us in January. When my dad left, I didn’t really know what was happening. I mean, I noticed that he was packing things up in a car and that he would be gone, but then my dad wasn’t that big of a deal to me. My sister was the one who he paid all the attention to and I was fine in my own little world where my dad didn’t care as much for me. A few months after my dad moved, we packed up our house and went to live with him in the east. My sister and I shared the master bedroom and my mom and dad had separate bedrooms. My sister had been really hurt by my dad sort of abandoning our mom and so she sort of distanced herself from him and then he was hurt by her and so I became his little girl.

My parents got divorced after a year of living together in that situation. I lived mainly with my mom and would see my dad once on a weeknight and then every other weekend. During those times, my mom got really stressed. She worked very hard and often my sister and I would be left to make dinner on our own, which usually ended up being rice and sausage that could be cooked in the microwave. It was during this period of my life that I would randomly cry and say “I’m not good enough” over and over again. I don’t really remember this, but my sister says it’s what happened, and I believe her, but I will get to that later.

My mom didn’t date very many people and my dad only dated one woman for a little while. My mom dated this one guy, Mark, and he was terrible. My sister and I hated him. He tried to be like a father figure to us, but we had a dad very active in our lives. We resented him trying to take that position. He was also just very mopey and not a lot of fun to be with. I used to hate it when it was my mom’s weekend, because surely Mark would be there ruining our time that we should have had together and alone. Fortunately, my mom did not marry Mark, but later she met and married my step-dad Tom.

When I found out they were getting married, I was so sad. Tom lived in New York and I knew that we would be moving there. This brought back huge psychological issues with me. My dad had left me when I was a child and I felt that I had not been enough to keep him from leaving. When my mom said she would get married, I entertained the idea of saying that I wanted to stay and live with dad and it devastated me to realize that my mom would choose to go and let me live in Maryland. I think my main issues with my parents stem from those two things, and while it makes me question my parents love and devotion to me, it has helped me become much more independent. I decided to go to New York with my mom.

The year I lived in New York was hell. My mom was a completely different person married. She had been an independent woman and it had always been the three of us (my sister, her, and me) and we had been a team. Now I found that it was always my sister and I versus my mom and Tom. Then school was bad. People were calling me a man because I could grab some pen out of the hand of some popular girl. I used to dream of people taking me away and bringing me back to Maryland. I would come and visit my dad at any possible opportunity. It is also at New York that I became close to God. I gained a very strong testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. My relationship with God became really strong. I wanted more than anything to move down to Maryland, but I feared how my mom would react and I thought it would be so uncomfortable when I came to visit. One day, though, we were talking about my cousins. Their mother has been so difficult and they have made it very clear that they want to live with their dad. Anyway, my mom said “If either you or Emily (my sister) came to me and said you wanted to move down with your dad, I would let you.” I think that’s all she said and then she moved on to something else, but that stuck in my mind and it gave me hope that I could get out of the hell I was living in, that she would be okay with me leaving. A few days later, I decided to ask God what to do. I prayed and when the answer came that I should move back down to Maryland I cried. I was so sad. I had never lived away from my mom, but I knew the answer was right because as I imagined my life in Maryland, it just made me so happy. Two days later I told my parents. I told my dad first. I called him and just kind of blurted out “I want to move to Maryland.” My dad has issues about saying “I love you” and I’ve only heard him say it probably two or three times in my life, but in that telephone coversation, he said it to me and I cried so much and I think he cried also.

Telling my mom was a different story. I had decided that that night I was going to tell her. I asked her if we could take a drive. All during the drive I kept on saying it in my mind, telling my mouth to say the words, but they would not come out. We went to the grocery store and at the checkout line, I said “Mom, I want to move to Maryland.” That’s right, in the middle of Shoprite I tore my mother’s heart to shreds. I was a little taken aback my her response. She said she would have to think about it. When we got home, I ran up to my room, and then I heard what I had known would be coming. I heard her sob and sob and sob. At the time tears streaked down my face and my heart ached. How could I have caused her such pain? I could hear her body shaking with the sobs and it pained me to know that I had caused them. After that night, though, things got better. My mom helped me get my room ready for my new house and my dad started looking for a house for us to live in.

My first few years here were really good. I became best friends with my soul in another person’s body, Stefanie. It’s kind of funny, because I’ve known her since 4th grade, but we didn’t become really close until a few years ago. It was also during that time that I started playing basketball with the older guys. I liked being the only girl. I got crushes on a few of those guys. School also breezed by pretty easily. Then this year I became bombarded. My classes gave me insane amounts of work that I was in no way used to. I freaked out constantly at the beginning of the year and stress was constantly with me. One day I was talking with Stefanie and we were kind of fantasizing about being in college and just talking about how much better it would be. This conversation kind of got me thinking and I decided I would at least apply to college (even though I’m only a junior) and see if I could get in. My dad had been accepted early to BYU, so I figured that I at least had a shot at it. Slowly through the course of this year, I have learned how to deal with stress with a mix of not caring too much and just doing things when I plan to and not worrying about them otherwise. So that’s basically my life until now. Now, I am just waiting to hear back from BYU and hopefully I should be going there next year and rooming with my friend who I met over the summer, who seems to be the other part of my soul in another body. So that’s basically my life until now. Thanks for reading through all this. Hopefully it didn’t completely bore you, because I quite enjoyed writing it, but I love talking about myself and my life. If you have any questions for me, feel free to ask, since that seems to be the common trend that these landmark threads are heading towards.

Edit: Fix spacing

*prepares to send a rock to flyby*

Isn't it great, having a friend like that?

You're brave! To find that way out of your life in NY, to do this all by yourself, I think that's great.

What aka asked, I also am curious about your sister? How is she doing?

My parents really support me in going to college a year early. My dad thinks it's cool that I am sort of following in his footsteps and my mom has just been so helpful through the whole process, always willing to do whatever she can.

I really like living with my dad. I mean, the newness of it has worn off and I don't remember how much better it is as often as I used to. My dad gives me alot much freedom and that's helped me learn how to deal with responsibility. I'm still very glad that I made the move. Maryland is my home, there's no doubt about that, and it's not just my dad, but all the people I know here.

My mom and I get along very well now. Forever it seems like we've had a strained relationship, but I don't know, somewhere around the beginning of this year, things started to get better. I think alot of that has to do with the fact that we now have daily contact because I call them every night so we can read scriptures together, which is really great, and we've just grown closer through that daily contact.

My sister lived with my mom and Tom until she went to college. The first few months after I left were hard for her, especially since I was so wrapped up in how great it was to be living with my dad that I kind of forgot about her a little bit. She's doing fine now, though. She got married and is pregnant. I forgot to mention my stepbrothers, but they are like the coolest people ever -- I would not have my mom not be married mostly because of them.

quote:

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I would not have my mom not be married mostly because of them.

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Your post just made me feel like saying that.