i was born into a mormon family. my father was raised in the church and my mother converted in her twenties. i have two older and three younger brothers. i am the only girl.
my hair isn't really red.
my eyes really are really green.
i really am under five feet tall.
i really do weigh more than i look.
i've got small hands, small feet, and big thighs.
in fifth grade i was the only white girl playing double dutch.
in the sixth grade my family went to disney world for the first and only time.
as soon as we returned my parents got separated.
neither me or any of my brothers have any desire to return.
my parents were divorced when i was in the ninth grade. this is a very painful part of who i am, not because i wanted my parents to stay married, but because of the reasons i know they should not be together. i won't go into details about my dad because people on this forum know him both as my father and some people probably know him and don't even know he's my father.
let's just say he lacks severely as a happy, healthy human being and it brings me a lot of pain to still have the love for him that i do. even with half of us grown up, my family is still suffering. i probably won't ever talk publicly about my father until he is dead, and when he is you can believe that will be a terrible speaking to attend. did i mention he's a psychiatrist? :roll eyes: i'm sure he's a good psychiatrist - he's terribly intelligent; he's just not the best dad. i do love him, though.
on the other hand, my mother is one of my best friends. i want few things more than to see her with someone she loves and happy. i only wish she didn't have to wait so long for this to happen.
she calls me for advice as much as i call her. she has a very unique and truly weird sense of humor, not unlike the rest of my family. the best part about eating dinner together is all the laughter.
last thanksgiving there were no less than a dozen references to the male genitalia made at the dinner table and in front of a non-family member guest at that. all under an hour. my mother just sighed and laughed, knowing resistance was futile.
my mother is very spiritual and wise, she is always thirsting for knowledge and works very hard for her family. i am a lot like my mother both physically and personality-wise, this is something i treasure. she has always told me that she believes i am older than her in spirit but that we decided she would be my mother in this earthly life. i appreciate that decision so much, she has been so forgiving of me in some very tough times, especially those brought on by myself.
all of my brothers are extremely talented in some way, but unfortunately we have some very self defeating characteristics perhaps adopted throughout the times of pain and abuse.
in high school i was crazy. i can't think how else to describe it. i hallucinated, was extremely manic, paranoid, and was plagued with extremely disturbing nightmares. i have always had very vivid and remarkable dreams, but these particular dreams had an outstanding effect on my waking life. i heard faerie music and wouldn't sleep until there was pink in the sky. i used to turn on every light there was downstairs, and after i had fallen asleep, my mother would come downstairs and turn them all off. if i woke up i'd panic in the dark and scramble to turn them all back on. i missed quite a bit of school and how i managed to get fives on my ap exams and graduate with honors is beyond me, other than my proclamation that insanity was hand in hand with genius!
i'm quite a bit better these days.
i also have a purty heavy abandonment complex. even when someone is just hanging up the phone or shutting the door for a split second the part of me that has nothing to do with logic feels that i will never see that person again and that i am dreadfully alone. i've learned to deal with this.
a good friend that also happens to be closely related to the host of this site told me that no matter what i am doing, i throw myself into it, full force, and "sara, you are just all about the love."
and i am. i love so much and so desperately need to be loved. i have no qualms admitting it, more than anything i just want find that love.
right now i am in a slightly challenging relationship with a close friend that also was best friends with one of my younger brothers. even with the physical aspects removed, as strong as they are, we can't seem to leave eachother well enough alone.
as he explained, we aren't completely opposite, but we come pretty damn close; and yet, there is something so familiar about him. we both acknowledge that is has to end soon, but we're always going to care about eachother. i am leaving school at the end of this semester (just three more weeks) and going back home to virginia beach to "do art" with my mom, and dance every day. just under my relationships with family and friends, dancing is the next love in my life. dancing is the only other thing that really makes me happy and free. it is the most natural way for me to bring what is on the inside, out. it is a physical manifestation of my soul and spirit, and when i go without i become not only depressed but physically ill. i have had bad asthma since i was born, and it really screws things up! i would sooo shave my head again if it meant i could frikkin' BREATHE!! appropriate bane for a dancer, eh? my dance teacher/friend has been like the fatherly force in my life that i lacked within my own immediate family as a young woman and has taught me invaluable life lessons and given me enormous opportunities. he is someone that sees me for who i really am.
while i am home i will also be preparing to go on a mission for the lds church. i am still searching for the truth, but i have felt that this is something i need to do on my way to not only finding it but becoming it. and what else do i really have to judge that truth by, but my feelings?
after that, i have no clue. i am sorta fond of such cluelessness.

mm, i already feel like i've said too much, but that's a wee peek into this wee gal.
i've appreciated the resources, lightheartedness, and sincere support that people at hatrack provide. thanks, y'all.

Thanks for letting some of us get to know you better. I think you are living proof that life is an adventure!

*leaves thread forever*

j/k

Happy 2000th post!

quote:

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It's nice having another Virginian on the board.

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Oh...Virginian...never mind...

Incidentally you also have my sympathy on the asthma, I've had a moderate grade of asthma since I was 3 and it's always been a pain in the arse. And just when I thought I'd nearly gotten rid of it as an adult (except the occasional bouts which came as a warning of poor, rainy weather right around the corner), it came creeping back the past two weeks with a horrible virus I had (for a while, I was wondering a bit whether it was gonna kill me, it can get quite scary when breathing is nearly impossible. Happily, it didn't.), hopefully your asthma has at least receded a little bit with age? (keeping my fingers crossed)

[This message has been edited by graywolfe (edited November 27, 2002).]