posted
He's been dating a beautiful girl for two years--she's very pretty and all and he loves her a lot. Anyway, recently she tells him she's been hanging out with this guy and they've developed feelings for each other. My friend then says their relationship is over until her feelings change.
This other guy btw hangs out with a more cooler crowd, dreams of starting a band, etc. I told my friend that he put himself in a bad situation by leaving it all up to her 'feelings' and hoping that they would change while she could still hang out with this new guy. Apparently a condition my friend gave her is that, while while she could still hang out with this new guy, there would be no "touching." Now could he REALLY have a control over that...?
I told him he took the right course in dumbing her but is being foolish for hoping and counting on for her to "change her mind" or her feelings. Anyway, this dude is really a nice, moral and POSITIVE person but he resists my advice and I fear this situation can only make him bitter and I can't think of any advice to give him...
Posts: 722 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Just tell him to move on, thats all he can do. By the description of the "other" guy, it sounds like everyone is pretty young?
Posts: 3134 | Registered: Mar 2005
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quote:Originally posted by the_Somalian: Is around 21 young? Excuse my writing btw. It used to be better.
By the way you said "cooler crowd" and "dreams of being in a band", I assumed even younger. But, yeah, 21 is still too young if he thinks this is his only hope.
Posts: 3134 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
TL--he told her "no touching" in the context that he loved for two years and she's suddenly leaving him for someone else--not to dictate her sexuality. Just something he said to deal with his hurt I imagine.
Posts: 722 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I agree entirely. This is like a test for him and he has to respond the right way or else he's doomed--and he failed. It was specially telling because in the manner she told him...they're still hanging with each other and she says all of a sudden "oh btw that guy I've been hanging out with recently and I have developed feelings for each other". Perhaps it's a no-win sitaution for him and he should've just moved on. But try telling him that! He says he's sincere and wants keep showing her how sincere he is...maybe that'll get her to change her mind(!!).
Posts: 722 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
I agree with TL's first sentence but disagree with the rest of what she said. I'm not going to assume that the girl cheated on him with the new guy, but it wouldn't surprise me. If she were moral, she would have broken up with your friend the minute she realized she that she wanted to pursue her romantic inclinations toward this new guy. Instead she waits and then presents this to him, as you say, like a test with no "right" response.
He shouldn't "fight for her." She's made her decision. He should cut off contact with her, get over her, and move on with his life.
Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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quote:He shouldn't "fight for her." She's made her decision. He should cut off contact with her, get over her, and move on with his life.
::nods::
You know, twinky, I don't think I've ever seen you give relationship advice that I've disagreed with.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
I think he should discuss it with her. I mean, it's possible to be in a great relationship and still develop a crush on someone else. The real question is whether or not it seems worthwhile to ditch what you have and pursue that crush.
posted
He's not necessarily being foolish for hoping she'll change her mind, if he really cares for her I'm sure he does hope that. What would be foolish is getting obsessive or letting jealousy take over and him getting crazy weird and possessive of her. By trying to dictate how she carries out her new relationship he's showing an early warning sign, but if it was just his hurt talking then I can understand why that would slip out.
If he's been with her two years and really cares for her it will probably take him some time to get over her. But I agree, that if she's made a decision to end the relationship there isn't really anything concrete he can do.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
pH does have a point. Afterall, what do you do when you are married and you develop feelings for another person? Do you bag the marriage and run off with the new guy?
If she has made the choice to go with this new guy, that is one thing. But if she is interested in keeping her current relationship and is looking for the proper way to deal with a crush, that is another.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Exactly what bev said. I don't think that breaking off the relationship with her "until her feelings change" is a good idea. I think it will basically force her to go after the new guy.
It takes a certain kind of person to recognize there are just as many bugs and piles of cow crap in the other pasture.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I see a huge difference between marriage and a dating relationship, though. I think you are obligated to fight like he** for your marriage, certainly.
Of course, I don't know these people but my advice was based on the impression that she said she'd developed genuine feelings for this other person and that they were reciprocated. If it was just a casual crush, that's one thing. But if she and the other guy are hanging out together and have feelings for each other then they are essentially already dating. I don't think the guy is obligated to continue the relationship in that case, because she's already made a decision to forge a new one. If he says he wants to stay in it, then he's saying in a roundabout way - "You go ahead and try this new relationship and if it doesn't work out I'll be until you find someone else you like more than me and we'll do it again." Maybe that's not the case, but it's the impression I got and that's what my advice was based on.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
You're right, Belle. "Feelings" is a very vague term. I just got the impression that it was a crush because this new guy is more popular and wants to start a band, things that girls sometimes develop crushes over.
You don't want someone who doesn't want you, and the fact that he has no problem with breaking things off will make her want him right back. Bye bye new guy.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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