posted
And by problem, I mean a crushing fear whenever you check your email?
Beats me why. I think it's because a lot of my classes this year are quite hard and are high tech, so I keep on expecting to get some email that says,
"Dear Mr. Bennett,
We have recently discovered that you are a total moron and have absolutely no business being in our honors program. You will be notified of your expulsion soon enough, and we're sending someone round to burn down your house. Have a nice day,
Your Rich Professors."
That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but that's how I feel a lot of the time. It's this whole new "in over my head" thing I've got going on now, mixed with the general spiritual malaise you get when you become a senior in college. You stop and think, "Hey, what did I do with the last four years of my life? Am I a useful component of society now?" and I keep expecting to get an email that just says,
"Absolutely not. Enjoy your spring break."
I've been worrying about the future a lot. My options seem to go along the lines of
Graduate School (which I do not feel prepared for) Law School (which I do not feel prepared for) or Various Internships (which, for some reason, I find vaguely terrifying. Also, I am not prepared for them)
The most frustrating thing is that everyone seems to have already had the same idea. I always wanted to do something new, interesting, and important with my life, change the world, etc, etc, the old bright-eyed, naive young idiot spiel. People tell me that I have talent and should be doing certain things, but, Sweet God, they said the same thing about the viola, and that first semester landed me in a GPA hole I'm still (unsuccessfully) digging myself out of. So I've got that handicap: smart or not, my mediocre GPA is probably going to deny me access to the resources I want. Then there's the competition. Everyone always said that I had creative talent and should also consider being a writer, but have you stopped a Liberal Arts undergrad and asked them what they want to do after college? Probably half of them say law, followed by writing, followed by grad school. Holy moley, I'm nothing new or original at all. And these kids already seem better than me. I'm an old man who's tired of the game mixed in with a bunch of kids who are still eager to sit up all night in the library pouring over articles.
This worrying about the future leads to too much ignorance of the present, which results in me getting behind in my work, which results in my losing a future and a TA coming in the night to burn down my house. It's like I've been faking playing a game or something. I'm a third chair violinist in a major symphony orchestra, but for the past eight years I've been secretly running my bow through the air above the strings, and now a large, intimidating conductor with a Russian accent is pointing at me and saying, "YOU! Play the third measure of the fourth movement. For everybody. Now. Right now." Then I look over and see my TA from my European Union class in the audience grinning wildly and playing with a zippo.
Well, looking back on this post, I think it's safe to say I've acheived a triumph of rambling. I started with opening my email account, moved to Russian conductors, and ended with a pyro TA (which isn't true - Mark really is a nice guy, and if you just talk to him enough he'll just tell you the answers - yet another way that I've been faking it).
So that's it. Emails are tough, huh?
Posts: 2258 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
Ooh, EU class! Tell more about that, I've been enjoying my class on the EU quite a bit (its for a model EU in about a month), plus it got me hooked on the Financial Times, which is a really good newspaper.
Posts: 15770 | Registered: Dec 2001
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posted
I would've enjoyed it if our aged professor's regime for every day hadn't been
1. Stand up 2. Drone
He was probably the most tangential professor I've ever had, and sometimes those could be interesting, but this one sure wasn't. He was the type of professor who would show up wearing mismatched shoes. Nice guy. Just incredibly boring.
I took this class about a year ago, so I'm probably a bit rusty on all the geopolitical details. Got an A, though, and a lot of other people flunked.
Posts: 2258 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
Yeah. I was wondering if it was a personal problem or if these things just happen at the end of college.
Posts: 2258 | Registered: Aug 2003
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quote: Graduate School (which I do not feel prepared for) Law School (which I do not feel prepared for) or Various Internships (which, for some reason, I find vaguely terrifying. Also, I am not prepared for them)
quote: This worrying about the future leads to too much ignorance of the present, which results in me getting behind in my work,
quote: I've been faking it
I think it's safe to say that you're under a lot of stress, but that it's gotten to a point where some kind of therapy may help you. I'd at least go in for an evaluation if I were experiencing feelings like this. But it's up to you to decide how much you actually think these feelings are interfering with your normal function and life. I don't know how much of this is really hurting you, only you know that.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I don't know that it really has much to do with school as much as it's attitude towards life. I mean, sure, I felt that during school, but oh yeah, I surely felt it afterwards a lot, too. But then, I have anxiety disorders by the truckload.
Leaving the country helped some. But I still get it on occasion. And I'm surely under no stress here at all. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote: Then I look over and see my TA from my European Union class in the audience grinning wildly and playing with a zippo.
Maybe instead of preparing to torch your place, he's showing approval:"Dude, Shostakovich, From behind the forest of bayonets!!" *flails air violin wildly, then holds zippo aloft*
Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2003
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But I still get it on occasion. And I'm surely under no stress here at all. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
