posted
I've been trying to get the whole poetry thing lately, and I figured that since there are so many good critiquers here, I'd post a poem for perusal...
quote: "Hot Chocolate"
The cold is bitter hatred now It bites and torments me It eats my skin and low’rs my gaze So now I cannot see
The wind, it whips against my face My eyes are forced to close I see now nothing but the white That on all things is froze
But when I get home late tonight, I’ll take a moments pause And sip some fresh hot chocolate While all inside me thaws.
posted
I guess I don't totally get what you're referring to. If it's cut and dry and you really just love hot chocolate then cool, i love hot chocolate too.
Going through symbolism however, I'd say the hot chocolate is a reference to something warm and comforting to you (obviously), something about the comforts of home, perhaps family. While the outside world is bitter and cold.
The first line was a little confusing, "The cold is bitter hatred now" makes me wonder what the cold was before it was bitter hatred, but I suppose I'm just knit picking there. I'm wondering what the "white" stands for specifically, it if covers literally everything, some all consuming force, if you're American it could be consumerism itself, or just depression. For all I know it's a poem about breaking up with your significant other, in which case most of the symbolism is obvious.
I like it though. There's something comforting in being home with the comforts that home entitles, be it family, or what not, and having that place to warm you from the inside out, no matter what the world does to blind, batter and beat you down.
(And the fun part about poetry is how WRONG about EVERYTHING I could be in what I just said. I'm either reading too much into it, or just took it in the wrong direction, but hey, poetry isn't a science )
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
OK, this will be slightly easier for me to review, as it is with rhymes and metering.
You have some punctuaion to be edited, and a missing apostrophe.
The "cold" being "bitter hatred", is a little obscure. If you're trying to say you hate the cold bitterly, try "The cold is bit'rly hated now", or "I hate the cold most harshly now" or anything similar.
"That on all things is froze" should be changed to either "is frosen", or drop the "is" (to my knowledge of grammar).
Also, you can't sip the hot chocolate (which thaws you) while all inside you thaws, that would be "so".
Altogether, pretty good. Keep it up! And honestly? I loved the concept!
[ January 07, 2005, 03:09 AM: Message edited by: Jonathan Howard ]
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
The biggest question would be audience. Is this for kids or adults?
Also, I'd switch "I see now" to "I now see". Now I see is the most natural, but it doesn't fit the meter.
I don't think you need the apostrophe in lowered. I automatically squished it down for the meter and it looks a little distracting now.
I second the froze bit. Froze is past tense. Is froze is funny. If your eyes are closed, you'd see black, not white. Maybe instead of closing your eyes could squint? You'd need a new rhyme word, but I didn't like froze anyway.
I second changing while to so.
Other than that, I had the question of audience. If it's for kids, one message is fine. If it's for adults, we need more. Poetry needs a juxtaposition. What does the cold remind you of? How does it make you feel? Bring together seperate ideas and draw me a connection. Constellate.
Edit to add: I forgot to say I liked it. I'm sorry. It needs a little tweaking, but it's good.
quote: The cold is bitter hatred now It bites and torments me It eats my skin and low’rs my gaze So now I cannot see
I actually quite like the first sentence, but -- based on the rest of the poem -- I suspect it says something that you weren't trying to say. If you're saying you hate the cold, or the cold hates you, you've worded it oddly; if you're trying to make an offhand comparison, you've done it exactly right.
I'm not sure how I feel about "eats my skin," and I find "low'rs" insufferably pretentious. If you can't get the word to fit into your meter without cheating by pulling out a syllable, use another word.
Rhyming "torments me" with "cannot see" is a bit facile, too. It's good for a kid's poem, or perhaps something from Edgar Allen Poe, but it pushes you into the evil, nasty world of singsong.
quote: The wind, it whips against my face My eyes are forced to close I see now nothing but the white That on all things is froze
The wind, it whips? You see now nothing? Like Yoda, you and Johnathan Howard speak. Unnecessary, this is. Low'rs something, perhaps it does?
I like the idea of seeing nothing but the white; it's an intriguing wording into which you lucked. "My eyes are forced to close" is a bit passive, though, for what you're trying to say.
And "froze," sadly, is completely ungrammatical. No cheating.
quote: But when I get home late tonight, I’ll take a moments pause And sip some fresh hot chocolate While all inside me thaws.
Um.... Okay, I'm not sure how to take this. Is this a metaphor for the peace and sanctity of home? Or do you just really like hot cocoa? If you're shooting for a larger metaphor, try using more evocative images and/or another stanza or two. If it's really just about hot cocoa....Well, honestly, if it's really just about how much you like hot cocoa, I suppose it's the best poem about liking hot cocoa that I've ever read, so congratulations.
The line "while all inside me thaws" is worded a bit clumsily; it doesn't necessarily suggest a good thing, or even a pleasant experience, to my ear. I'd tweak it a lot.
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I'm sorry. It needs a little tweaking, but it's good.
