posted
He has been down lately. Now is time to trick him. He not be ready. We be mean. We ambush him. We hug him. When he be distracted, we steal his wallet. (That is actually a real tactic of an all-female gang I once knew. Fascinating. They would mob people, chatter at them in their REALLY high voices, press really close, grab wallet, then skitter off.)
Sweetheart, I was just about to make a thread for you. I've been wondering how you are, and the e-mail address I have for you didn't work. *hugs*
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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Don't worry 'bout me guys. I just was stupid and started falling in love with my girlfriend (despite my best efforts not to so quickly), only to find out that it's probably not gonna work out.
I haven't heard from her in a week...
Thanks for your concern though.
On a side note, I wrote an awesome song today, getting some of my feelings out. You know how songs often make so much more sense when you're hurting? Well I was listening to song last night, and it described my feelings so well. I wanted cry, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't...
Crying. Goddamit. Why do I have such problems with it. I can't cry when I need to. Only when I don't want to. About a month ago, I was so depressed that the only time I ever got any relief from the stress was at night, when I would have nightmares every night, and I'd wake up covered in tears.
Damn. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I wish I could get some kind of control over my life. I should be happy though. I have so much more control over my life than so many other people.
And yet here I am...
I'm listening to Elliot Smith right now. I hear he killed himself by stabbing himself three times in the stomach. The first two didn't do it, so he kept at it. Damn. You can hear the pain in his voice. I admire that so much.
The songs I write are always so much better when I'm in pain. For example, the lyrics of the song I wrote today:
Tread
It all seemed too perfect It all seemed to good to be true All the downers seemed worth it Quickly fell apart, yeah came unglued
No I won’t cry No you won’t ever hear me cry No satisfaction on your side Know why I lied the other night
You told me you loved me You told me it would be okay I wanted to believe you but After this I can’t trust anything you say
No I won’t sigh No you won’t ever hear me sigh No reason to comply Know why I tried to rectify you
It all feels so lost Every cause unjust Fading into dust Refusing to trust
Anyone who tries Spilling poisonous lies Won’t f***ing compromise I think I’d rather die
Take a look around me I think I’ve reached the end I’m surrounded by flowers So why do I feel broken
And here's the lyrics of the song I wrote a month or so ago. I was in SERIOUS depression then:
Does It Matter?
Verse1 _____ On the phone last night Her gentle jibes, feelings I despise told her I wouldn’t take it anymore
And I feel trapped on my side Mom and Dad just don’t get it I scream inside but only my guitar can hear me
I’m just a freak in a show except Its reality I’m seeing on all sides, And yes it blinds me to myself I can’t help but realize
Chorus ½ _________ Roll myself a J and smoke this pain away But it doesn’t do any good
Verse2 ______ And when I’m riding home In the middle of the night I see my course but it just isn’t right It leaves me dry but somewhat high
Yeah I do know the path to a righteous man A prophet with a plan Who heals the world an Eighth at a time But in my lungs There burns his lie
Estoy perdido no se donde puedo empezar Tequila in one hand and in the other my guitar Rings so loud
It takes me to a place where no quiero estar I’d like to be, I’d like to see Something other than the dashboard of this car
Chorus1 _______ Roll myself a J and smoke this pain away But it doesn’t do any good Everything looks the same now But I gotta get over it somehow This isn’t home And I’m alone Lost as I pass the places I used to I used to love
Verse3 _______ No one to call No one to say “Noah, I missed you” (laughs) Damn. It was never like that anyway.
Just seems like I’m a shadow underwater No one even sees me enough to grab my hand and pull me out Like there’s this layer that Separates me out and tucks me in Am I spread too thin I wonder Will I pick up the pieces from this blunder
Chorus2 ______ No uplifting note to end this song No smile to leave when I’m gone Cuz that would be a lie And I’ve been living enough of that
Sorry for all the rambling. I'll go back to do my homework now.
posted
Awww, Calvin, sorry you've had a rough time of it lately. You're space opera approved, so if your girlfriend was too silly to realize what a great guy you are then it's her loss, neh? Someone will come along that's perfect for you, and you for her. Until then, concentrate on yourself and keep your chin up.
space opera, who has thought Calvin was cool ever since KamaCon
Posts: 2578 | Registered: Apr 2004
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She came online tonight and I IMd her. The conversation was empty and lacking emotion. My friend convinced me that I just needed to tell her how I had been feeling; that it would only hurt me more in the long run not to. I mentioned it, and we talked about our relationship for a bit, saying how it didn't seem reasonable to continue it. I said we should stop dating and just see if she got into my school, and if so, wait until next year and just see what happens. She agreed. And that was that.
*Sigh* Why can't any of my relationships just be somewhat normal? It's always me liking them more, or them liking me more, with problems such as long distance, parental control, or something else. I just want to find a girl who I feel like I'm on the same level with, and be able to live near them and spend time with them.
Posts: 1934 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
(((((((((((((((Noah))))))))))))))) Don't blame yourself. Seriously, it's not your fault. We all love to pieces over here, and I wish you very good luck with finding that person... I know you will! Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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