posted
I'm rather curious about this question. I've heard of many people who do this, but rarely hear of a sucess story. So, does anyone go against the norm (or is the "norm" actually sucess, and I've only heard of the bad cases?)? Or, could anyone elaborate on why they do or do not work?
Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
Haven't you heard? Internet friends are really all perverted serial killer sickos who lure you away to some obscure part of the continent and you will only be seen on milk cartons after that.
Posts: 1996 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
They can work. I have an uncle who is married to someone he met online. They met through a board about a mutual interest, much like this. His business took him where she lived fairly often, so they were able to meet in real life quite a bit. Then she moved to the town where he lived. They dated for a year after that before they got married.
So I think the answer is, that as a place where you meet someone, it can work. But as a place to sustain a relationship? No.
Posts: 438 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Eye of the Tiger, your style and name and profile all bear a striking resemblence to someone I know....Is this coincidence....absolutely! But still, kinda freaky.
posted
Check out my love story. Fahim and I are still happily married a whole year and a bit later. It worked for us. But then, we're both odd people to start with.
I have three other friends who met their husbands online. They've been married for between three and ten years. All are still going strong.
I'm gonna say, though, that it depends on a whole huge basket of factors.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I'm currently in my first online relationship...
A mutual friend decided we'd be perfect... so we started talking and and Sarah was right. Now Manda is coming to spend 5 days with me over the holidays...
And I'm Having her look at this thread to reassure her that i do have sane friends... lol
Manda
[ November 21, 2004, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: J T Stryker ]
Posts: 1094 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
And of course, we've had our share of marriages between Hatrackers. And there's that matchmaker thread...
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
Here's a post of mine from Pweb (slightly edited) that I think somewhat applies here. I thought I'd present it and see what others thought about my view.
"I have a problem with calling it online dating; obviously you can't date in the conventional sense of the word. But I don't have a problem with the idea of being romantically involved with someone online.
Giving credit where credit is due, Lyraluthuen once said that meeting people online (platonically speaking but I'm using it to mean in any sense) is in some ways better for a relationship. It removes the creation of a first impression based solely on looks, which is something we are all guilty of in varying degrees, and allows you to get to know a person for what they think instead of how they look. Of course the physical component is important, but it shouldn't be the most important aspect in a relationship. Lyraluthuen also mentioned that you can have a stronger connection with someone online because in order for the relationship to move forward, again as either just friends or romantically, you have to be able to communicate. This, as I've heard and not actually known for myself, is a major problem with couples in the flesh.
As far as trusting the person you're talking to...you can only keep a lie for so long. It's not impossible, but in most cases it'd be extremely difficult to fool someone for an extended period of time. If you meet the person on an online community like Pweb, it gets more difficult to lie because you're dealing with more people you'd have to keep fooling; again, not impossible but difficult. Assuming you do meet them at a forum, you can get to know the person as fast or slow as you want. You can spend time getting to know them by their public behavior, i.e. posts in threads. Then you can move to PMing for a more private view of them. If you trust them up to this point, there's also messenger services and if you trust them then, there's always the possibility of moving to conversations on the phone. And for some people, this will be enough to deem the other trustworthy enough to meet. Also, it is possible to know someone in person for any length of time and be lied to or never know who they really are. I think that's just the chance you take in any relationship.
Where location is concerned, distance can be a problem but if the relationship gets serious enough, one could always move to be with the other one. It's really no different than going off to college and meeting someone and deciding to start a life with them somewhere. If you're too young to move, then take your time in the relationship because it may not be that serious and you may have more than one online relationship in your lifetime, and if it is, that serious, it would be worth the wait. You can just as easily commit yourself to a person you can't touch as you could to someone you can, especially when you've taken the time to get to know them.
I also have a problem with the term "real life" as opposed to online. Yes, there's a distinction between the two, one being tangible and the other not being that way but that in no way means that anything online is less real; you still have the potential to become attached. I know that on the other end of the monitor is a person who is breathing, thinking, feeling and taking up space in much the same way as I am.
With that said, I guess I don't buy into the fact that "online dating" is somehow less credible than "real life" dating. I also can't say I have a preference because I've never been out on a date but I do know that I have been judged on my appearance before or on a bad first impression and that got in the way of letting some people get to know the real me. That's not such an obstacle online."
So, my view is they can work in the same sense that in-person relationships can; they all take work.
Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
That's a great post, Uhleeuh. You're quite right about online relationships--whether friendships or romance--being just as real in many ways as "real life" relationships. And the two tend to blend pretty often. Just look at all the Hatrack get-togethers that happen all over the country.
Posts: 3546 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
So there are a few success stories(people married, people getting married, whathaveyou), they're just not the norm. That's what I was looking for. But overall, thanks for the feedback. I have a few more questions, for those who say they work (or those who KNOW they work), but I'll only ask one at a time: What about the physical aspect? How do you handle not being able to physically see, touch, and hear each other?
Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2004
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quote: What about the physical aspect? How do you handle not being able to physically see, touch, and hear each other?
We used webcams to see each other. Sent each other pics. And used headphones with mics to talk to each other. We also talked on the phone.
But my case is a bit extreme - we were married two months after first encountering each other. Very very quick. And we were married only 8 hours after meeting in person for the first time.
But I don't know if this necessarily answers your real question. So fire away. I may or may not answer. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
What I've found is that it's very easy to assume that an online relationship is "closer" or "more real" than an in-person relationship because you cut right through the social awkwardness and immediately get into intimate discussions that it might take you weeks or months to get comfortable enough for IRL.
Isn't that usually what you hear from people with online relationships? "We know each other so much better than we ever could in person! We share everything!" Well, the truth is that for a "real" relationship, your in-person rapport matters just as much as your "deeper" connection. Just as an in-person relationship that seems great at the flirting stage can become wrong and uncomfortable once you get to know each other better, so also can an online relationship based entirely on intimate conversations become wrong and uncomfortable once you meet up in person.
So I'm not saying you shouldn't try an online relationship. My only advice is, don't fool yourself into thinking it's a complete relationship until you've met up in person, and certainly don't start thinking the relationship you have is superior because you managed to get so close without ever meeting. That's actually the easy part. The hard part is still ahead of you.
Posts: 1907 | Registered: Feb 2000
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My husband and I met online. We e-mailed back and forth for quite a while, then talked, hit it off, he came to see me, I came to see him, and a few months later we were engaged. Six months after that, we were sealed in the Los Angeles Temple, I moved to Dallas, and a year and a half (almost) later, we have a baby daughter and are very happy. I loved the fact that I knew so much about him before I ever met him; when you can't go on dates, you end up talking about really personal stuff instead. I think the Internet is a great tool for long-distance relationships, but all long-distance relationships are hard. They can work if you make them, but only, I think, if they're going somewhere are they ever very successful in the long-term.
One drawback: we had huge phone bills. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I have a good friend who met her current boyfriend on OKcupid.com. But she's said that she had no feelings for him but friendship and a tiny crush until she actually met him. He, I believe, was head over heels though.
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I've been with my girl now for almost 2 years and we met online. We've been living together for almost 18 months now and it's great.
I've been doing the online dating as a normal part of my dating activities since the mid ninties. I have a tendancy to move around a lot, so it only made sense, since it can be hard to meet people in a new town.
I've had some spectacular experiences and some downright odd ones. But the worst ever relationships that I've had started IRL....
Anyway, the point is, as someone said above, that you can't keep up a lie forever. So yeah, sometimes you meet idiots and fakes, but no more often than IRL.
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
Two months? Wow. And do most people in "online relationships" do that, with the webcams and headphones and such? And I can only imagine the phonebills, with so many long distance phone calls. Tell me if I've got any of this wrong: It generally helps that neither of you are looking for a relationship, physical contact is a necessity within a short period of time - a few months perhaps?, and the physical aspect is done through technology such as webcams, pictures, and headphone sets. Is that all correct? And don't worry, I have plenty more questions. And to all of those who told me to try it, that's not why I'm asking, I'm just extremely curious about it, given the public impression of success, or lack thereof, of these types of relationships.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
This isn't entirely relevant because my boyfriend and I met IRL. however, when we first started dating we talked about important stuff (deeper connection, etc.) only online. As time has gone by we've turned around, and now we talk about important stuff in person and our online conversations are less important. I value the comfort we have with each other, but I have to admit it makes IM boring.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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quote: And do most people in "online relationships" do that, with the webcams and headphones and such?
I don't know about most, but I do that. Mics and headphones for talking-we only use phones on occasion since our mics work just as well as our cells and we don't have to worry about minutes- and webcams and pictures for seeing each other.
quote: physical contact is a necessity within a short period of time - a few months perhaps?,
Not necessarily. I'd say it differs depending on the couple. I know a couple who met online 3 years ago and started dating one year ago. They met for the first time in person just recently.
Oh, they also uses webcams to see each other and for hearing each other, they use phone cards and cell phones.
posted
I dunno if this counts, since Raia and I met in person and went out in person for two months before she headed off to Israel. But here we are, going on 6 months and we're still very happy with each other. Calling Israel is extremely expensive, and calling here from Israel is also extremely expensive so most of our contact has had to be online since she left, but its enough
quote: Two months? Wow. And do most people in "online relationships" do that, with the webcams and headphones and such? And I can only imagine the phonebills, with so many long distance phone calls. Tell me if I've got any of this wrong: It generally helps that neither of you are looking for a relationship, physical contact is a necessity within a short period of time - a few months perhaps?, and the physical aspect is done through technology such as webcams, pictures, and headphone sets. Is that all correct?
Yeah, I know. Two months usually sets most jaws dropping. Especially when I add that other bit about getting married 8 hours after we met in person. It's quite hilarious! And I sent the marriage announcement out after the fact. I wasn't about to let anyone else's negative energy get in the way of my happiness.
We only used phone/cell phone when internet chatting wasn't possible. In other words, phone bills not so much of an issue. But we were also dealing with international issues - time zones being one of them. I was on the wet coast of Canada (British Columbia), and he was in Sri Lanka (where we both are now), and our clocks were 12 hours out. Or was it eleven or thirteen? Whatever.
In our case, I wasn't looking, but he was. And I found him by downloading a program he wrote. I'm prejudiced against chat rooms and online dating services. Gave them a try a long time ago, but that was a dismal failure. The dating service, not the chat thing. I never bothered with online chat.
Physical contact within a few months - probably. For us, by the time we knew we were getting married to the time I left Canada, it was three weeks. Not hardly enough time to pack up, sell what I can, and move. But I did it anyway. Even though I hadn't met him in person, I already knew that he was right for me and that he was the right person for me to marry. And we also both acknowledged that that was long enough to be apart. We had to be together. Had to. So, yeah.
Would it have been better to meet in person before then? I don't know. I have enough of my own screwed-up attitudes and quirks that I suspect, for me, the way it worked out was quite possibly the only way it could have worked out such that I didn't have the opportunity to destroy it. If we'd met in person first, I never would have looked at him a second time. I wouldn't have wanted to get to know him. Not because there's anything wrong with him - well, nothing other than the usual male stuff. But I would have found reasons to dismiss this, or wreck that, or whatever. Doesn't matter what. But I would have found a way to destroy any possibilities.
But I went with it, and it worked out very well the way it worked out for us. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I had only two steady relationships before the current one. Both started online. The first lasted almost two years. The second (you might remember this one. I regretfully shamed myself before you all when it ended) lasted 2 years and 8 months. Now it's when I say that online relationships does not work, right? Wrong. They worked nicely. The reason why they ended had nothing to do with the fact they started online. They'd have ended no matter where or how I met the persons in question. So, I guess it's a way like any other, to find friends or significant others.
Than, for the first time, I'm in a (seemingly - it's too soon yet) serious relationship with someone I didn't met online (she's an old friend). So...who knows? And...oh, well...I stepped over the boundaries for this thread. I'm outta here. Posts: 1785 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
(Eduardo Sauron, you did nothing of the sort. I'm impressed with how you handled everything, and it makes it even easier to be happy for you in your new relationship. )
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Mine and Bernard's relationship would be hard to define as 'online' since we met in person and I got my first kiss from him ( it was on the cheek, but still... ::dances:: ) before we even spoke online. For us, the internet is a wonderful tool to keep in contact, as well as the telephone (thank God for free minutes after nine).
It always makes me wonder, though, when I think about it... My great-grandparents had a long distance relationship too, in the early '20s. If it's hard enough for me with IM, telephone calls every night, and email, it must have been tortue for her, who only had email and who's boyfriend was too poor to afford a phone (my great-grandmother was considerably well off--her father owned the first car dealership in Memphis, Tenn).
I guess to answer your question, Eye, online relationships are just like any other kind of relationship. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote: Tell me if I've got any of this wrong: It generally helps that neither of you are looking for a relationship, physical contact is a necessity within a short period of time - a few months perhaps?
In my case, we both were looking for relationships, just not with each-other or online ones... In fact our first conversation was about the total stupidity of the opposite sex (she defended woman, I knew defending men was a waste of my words).
As to the physical contact... yes, it is important and I'm going insane waiting for her to come and visit. I tend to be rather touchy feelly in relationships (just ask raia, who once slapped me for kissing her on top of the head in the school cafeteria), so this whole not physically being near is driving me up a wall. I mean we've traded pictures... and talk on our cells after 9 her time (10 my time)... but thats about it... But I have to say, when you've gotten to know someone so well, It's still not easy, but it's doable to not be able to hold them and whisper sweet nothings into their ears...
Posts: 1094 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
The Tick and I met online close to 8 years ago. We were a long distance online relationship - Buffalo, NY to Virginia beach. We have been married for 4 1/2 years and have a 1 1/2 year old. We talked online and knew each other pretty well before we ever met in person.
Posts: 153 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
My Mom and her husband Karl met online through a dating service about 3 years ago. Karl is a farmer in Wichita, and at the time my Mother was living in a small, small town named Osawatomi near Kansas City, Kansas. My Mom was working on climbing her way up the corporate chain for Sprint, and at the time was working on some 'special projects' that were going on at the time. Totally unrelated interests, but they got to talking, and soon Mom was driving back and forth to Wichita and Karl was going the other way up the Osawatomi. They got married I think May of 2003, and my Mom seems content being a farmer's wife. Personally, I never thought I'd see it happen, but I think I'm happy to have my Mom living that much closer to where I am in Oklahoma.
I remind her every time that she complains about the pigs getting out of their pen that she's complaining about self-inflicted wounds. But Karl really is a great guy, and I'm glad to have him as my Step-Father.
Posts: 44 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I guess the question could also be "Do online relationships work for everyone?" Of course, what we're answering with the examples in this thread is no. I honestly don't think it would work for me. I have such a fear of rejection complex that I would have a terrible time revealing anything about myself to anyone during the 'getting to know you' stage. There's something about someone asking me about myself in person that makes it a little easier for me to believe that they actually want to know.
But, this is not to say that I'm opposed to online relationships. But in my case, it would have to be completely accidental, a la Annie and Hobbes.
posted
wait a minute.... she's still putting up with you... ok...
By the way My Mom loved the scotch fugu, and i only drank about 3/4 of the bottle (I thought you said that stuff would destroy my intestines...) I mean it's good, but not as violent as i expected....
Posts: 1094 | Registered: Mar 2004
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