World crisis? Irresolvable dilemma? No problem! Our crack team of me can handle any quandary, no matter how convoluted, in exchange for a simple waiver of any and all liability. Just look at these examples!
Adult businesses: The strip clubs and sex shops in Daytona Beach should stop fighting with the city commission, band together, move out of the city, and open a massive, adult-oriented theme park on International Speedway Boulevard just past the correctional facility. I'm thinking of an adult "Downtown Disney" with cartoon mascots and rides and lots of little shops and a nightly electrical parade. SexWorld! Then everybody would be happy, year-round tourism would boom, and we'd finally have a major industry in the area. You might want to avoid the log flume ride, though.
Beach driving: All bans on beach driving should be lifted. However, condo and motel owners should be permitted to set non-lethal traps to discourage the practice in their vicinity and turtle fanciers should be allowed to use rubber bullets to lay down covering fire against intrusive drivers while the turtles spawn or breed or whatever it is they do.
(Note: you guys have seen a lot of this before, it was originally killed because I got too editorial so I posted it here. Due to time constraints I needed a canned column so I removed the controversial subjects and ran it. Some of them are going to make much more sense if you live in Central Florida...)
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quote: Celebrity magazines: Any magazine, newspaper, or television show that relies on the humiliation of celebrities for its revenue must set aside one issue or episode per year that candidly exposes the secret, scandalous lives of its editors and writers, prints kiss-and-tell interviews with friends of the publishers, and includes naked pictures of its paparazzi.
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