quote: The wind swept the land, turning the prairie into a living sea of green waves. The only disruption to the rolling landscape was a herd of large grazing drummon. They steadily moved about the tall grass completely unaware of the predator only a spear's throw away.
Braneth lay low in the concealing grass. His ears rang with the thundering beat of his own heart as before him lay the entire herd of beasts. He watched as the drummon lethargically roamed the land, chewing a steady course through the swaying grass. At first glance the beasts seemed docile and an easy kill, but it was this assumption that had left many Madicans dead. It was this thought which kept Braneth flat and still, patiently waiting for his opportunity to strike.
Two points for providing critique. Critique must be more substantial than “I like it” or “good flow.” If I’m not sure if something counts as critique, I’ll award one point. Critique points can be earned even after the round is officially over.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
Okay, I guess the tension of the passage got through to me.
I think the references to grass are too numerous. You had to use up every thesaurus entry for synonyms of "swaying" and there's only two paragraphs here.
Maybe you could describe the hunter or the beasts instead, or in addition to?
And his thoughts seem too passively communicated. I don't get the sense that he's worried about dying, but that the narrator is trying to make this scene look more ominous -- like how they do on nature shows just before the crocs bring down a water buffalo.
That's it! I felt like I was listening to a voice-over narration of a nature show.
Now, to be constructive, I think the scene is worth painting and the characters are there to be experienced. You should tell us something about the herd, and the hunter. For example, to show his need for caution, you could have him rub the scar on his leg where he'd been gored by a drummon on his first hunt out with the men when he was still a whiskerless youth. He could chide himself for the momentary lapse in concentration and then begin stalking closer through the soft green grass of early spring.
The herd could be nervous, or in rut, or something to give us a sense of how real they are. They might smell horribly -- figuring the hunter must be approaching from downwind. Or the fragrant grasses could be hiding the hunter's scent.
Anyway, I think this is worth exploring. I hope I haven't been too harsh. I figure you can make this jump off the page if you practice with it a bit.
I have no clue who to guess. I figure the author is female. And I figure maybe in the college age bracket. Since I don't really know everyone's gender or age, I'll just pick Ryuko because I know she fits that description.
posted
I agree with bob. This piece needs a bit more detail. I would like to know why the Drummon are dangerous. Some desription here would be appreciated. There is potential here though, just with a little bit more work because this seems to be a first or at learst an early draft.
I'm guessing this is a young writer, probably a man, just because of the whole hunting thing.
Just a ramdon guess NickPosts: 1294 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
This excerpt relies too heavily on cliche imagery: "living sea of green waves," for example.
Adjectives and adverbs were overused. Braneth was already lying low-- we don't need 'concealing grass' to tell us he's hiding.
The tone is stilted: "His ears rang with the thundering beat of his own heart as before him lay the entire herd of beasts." While the rest of the piece may be formal and prove me entirely wrong, this style rubs me the wrong way.
Oh yeah, and a guess: I'm thinking young and inexperienced as a writer, but analytical and intelligent. Also, male. . . though I'm not really decided on that last. . .
gottmordor
[ January 20, 2004, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
My problem with the piece is that, for all its effort at describing the LANDSCAPE, it tells rather than shows. We learn that the herd beasts are dangerous because the author says so. The grass sways, and is long, but otherwise doesn't look like much. It's a GREEN prairie, which is actually a little unusual, but are we meant to even care?
On reflection, my real problem might be with the pacing. As an opening segment, it just doesn't have the kind of flash and fire and motivation that I need to drag me into a piece -- but it spends too much time on an establishing shot to be a middle, I think. I don't know where this is meant to go.
Overall, it kind of feels like something Piers Anthony would write to impress Jean Auel.
quote:something Piers Anthony would write to impress Jean Auel
No to everyone, and Bob better start hiding in that concealing grass. I think Ryuko is getting tired of being the default first guess -- she might throw a spear at you.
posted
I hate to whip out "Show Don't Tell" but it fits here.
I would like to know why the drummon are dangerous too. The first thing that jumped out to me was "prairie grass isn't green!" True, maybe we're not on Earth, but still, it got to me.
The pacing was indeed slow, and I really just couldn't get into it. For one thing, if we're in Braneth's head, then all this description of swaying and swirling grass makes no sense. If he's truly watching for a chance to strike then he would be evaluating the herd's placement, looking for stragglers, weaker animals that were an easy strike, young animals straying too far from their mother, etc. The passage feels way too passive for the situation.
Hmm...I have no clue and I haven't been playing for a long while so I'll do a random guess for no reason.
Beatnix, because I don't know you so maybe you won't be too mad at me for guessing you. Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Ya, I pretty much agree with everyone one this one. This piece is very weak. I knew it when I sent it in but I wanted to play and this is my very slow and ugly first stumble back into creative writing. Thanks for the critiques, I appreciate them and can't take any offense. I mean, come on, you guys read it! Posts: 1294 | Registered: Oct 2003
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