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God has tough mandatory sentencing. You're going to hell FOREVER if you screw up, with no time off for good behavior! He's a big ballbuster when you think about it.
God must be really bored because He has everything, can do anything, and knows everything. He's probably just up in Heaven practicing his new Yo-Yo tricks.
God wants everyone to know that when your dog licks himself and then licks your face, it's a "hygiene sin".
God has no idea why your dog would eat another dog's poop, either.
Posts: 1423 | Registered: Sep 2003
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God almost didn't celebrate Christmas one year to protest the commercialization of it, but Jesus got mad and made Him feel guilty about the Crucifixion.
God wants YOU for God's Army! Just kidding - He's an Army of One.
You don't ever want to invite God over for dinner. He acts like you tried really hard to create a good meal, but you just know that He thinks He could do better.
Posts: 1423 | Registered: Sep 2003
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For God so loved the world that He gave us His only recipe for chili. And we made the chili. And it was GOOD.
God is not a watchmaker, but He does love to wind people up, especially that Job fellow.
God used to go see horror movies a lot, but people would get mad when He would say "Be not afraid" during all the scary parts.
Posts: 1423 | Registered: Sep 2003
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God's on Goody's <bleep>list today. God took a coworker away from his family this weekend. Said coworker's daughters are roughly the same age as Goody's daughters.
(and being somewhat selfish: now Goody has to try and cover parts of said coworker's job until a replacement can be hired)
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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God says that ye shall have no other threads before the God threads. Avert your eyes, Last Post Thread posters!
God says that the twoGod threads are actually just one thread. See, it's all part of this thing called the Holy Binary...
God thinks that talking about the God threads in a God thread is very postmodern, but swears He isn't a pomo.
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God has an incredibly fast internet connection, and almost no download time for even the biggest files, but God still insists he's not into Porno.
God likes it when people say that Love is the most powerful force in the Universe, but he knows its third, following himself and Stupidity.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. 17. No record of working well with colleagues.
Posts: 2437 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Sometimes God googles Himself to see how often He's mentioned, but half of those results are referring to somebody else.
God really appreciates all the religion threads on internet forums. There's no such thing as bad publicity.
Every once in a while God worries about having a big ego. Then He remembers that He's perfect so it doesn't matter.
Posts: 1423 | Registered: Sep 2003
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God likes to see old threads about him bumped, but he would never admit this on a forum.
God would never send spam or chain emails...even the really cute ones. Chain emails are right out.
God's garage is always clean, and never has dried up leaves left over from the previous season's yardwork.
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Your unmistakeable style and creative genius. That and a little birdy, or maybe a cherub, I couldn't quite tell since the light wasn't that good, told me.
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God would like to apologize for all the problems associated with human sinus passages. There was a better design, but it would've left us with much larger frontal lobes and everyone agreed that'd be too dangerous. Sorry.
Upon meeting God for the first time, every single one of the Patriarchs were compelled to ask where that bit about "created in God's own image" came from, to which God merely shrugged and said "eh, poetic license."
God is with us always. Unless you lose your driver's license. Then you're on your own. Not even God can help you with the DMV. Besides, every time God goes in there, it seems like its the bad hair day from Hell, and the picture makes him look like some kind of omnicorpulent criminal.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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God stays home on Saturday nights because Sunday mornings are His busiest time. He watches a movie and then turns in early.
God is a little distressed by the number of people to whom he gave acting talent that have ended up in politics. He thinks they've missed the point; he gave that talent so that he'd have something good to watch on Saturday nights!
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God is impossible to buy presents for. Not only does he already have everything, he's impossible to surprise.
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When asked what surprised Him most about humankind, God replied, "Their infinite capacity to laugh at fart jokes."
Remember all those times when you promised to devote yourself to God if He got you out of that jam? Well, it's time to pay up!
God thinks it sucks to be a know-it-all. Everyone constantly asks you questions and then it's nothing but work, work, work all the time!
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God thinks the phrase, "Absolute Power corrupts Absolutely" is nonsensical, and will smite with a vengeance, anyone who dares disagree with him.
God enjoys a good smiting now and then, but who doesn't.
God gets upset with the people who think they are all "holier than thou". Face it. They aren't holier than him.
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God never cheats at cards, he's just really really good at reading people.
God always raises on a pair of tens or better.
God's Ipod has -every- song on it, but he only listens to half of them.
God went through this "hippy" phase in the '60s and wore toe rings for nearly 3 years.
God is undecided if Pepsi or Coke is better, he's more of a Sprite guy.
God watches the Olympics every year.
God's garden is covered in little porcelain garden gnomes, which he has individually named.
God likes to smile at babies for hours at a time.
God once had a baseball card collection, but he put the cards into the spokes of his bike so they would make that *thwap thwap thwap* sound when he rode.
God wears fuzzy bunny slippers around the house.
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God thinks that if you absolutely can't avoid spewing out large amounts of greenhouse gases, you should excuse yourself and step outside the atmosphere first
Posts: 12591 | Registered: Jan 2000
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God believes in separation of Church and State. That’s why on His maps those two streets always run parallel.
God is a little sad that no one ever says, “Hey God, you’re right!” and acts surprised. Everyone just kind of takes His Word as Gospel.
God is a fashion designer. He’s always a little miffed that so many people don’t take His advice not to wear a garment of cloth made of two kinds of material.
God thinks that cloth is like whiskey - blended is crap!
God is one size fits all, but sometimes people don’t wear Him well.
Most people don’t know that God gets the hiccups during a certain time of the year. We call it hurricane season. The reason it lasts so long is that the angels haven’t figured out a way to scare God to make them go away.
Players hate it whenever God referees a basketball game because they can never argue the call. That's an important part of the game!
God laments that no one ever listens to the Oldies that He likes anymore. Stupid freewill!
God once created a true socialist country called the Garden of Eden, but some annoying little snake in the grass complained that it was a nanny state and ruined it for everybody.
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God does not prefer any particular flavor of ice cream. He's small-"c" catholic that way. Also, he's a little afraid of Bob.
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God doesn't mind the multiple threads about Him, he's an only child and used to the extra attention.
Posts: 6683 | Registered: Jun 2005
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God fills in sudoku in ink, not that He is always right. When He gets it wrong, He just skips to the next one.
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