posted
Kwea, I pretty much agree with what you've said. I happen to feel that my growing up was a bit too protected and I would rather protect my children a bit less and teach them to deal with the things I wasn't ready to deal with. I want the lines of communication to remain open.
My naivete did not serve me well in my life. First of all, I was not particularly pure to begin with, so my naivete did not keep me pure. All it did was make it so I was not mature enough to handle some of the things that did pop up in my life.
I do not lay the blame for this at the feet of my parents, a lot of my naivete was my own introverted fault. I am also not speaking out here against protecting children and youth. I still believe in setting bounds and I still believe in avoidance. But I want my children to have learning opportunities that I did not have.
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posted
I wasn't saying that boundries weren't important...the opposite in fact. I believe that having firm boundries is a must when raising children, it is what parents do best.
But the same advice you give a 12 year old girl, just entering puberty, shouldn't be the same advice given to a 18 or 20 girl in collage (or just about to go to college). That is pure avoidance, and it is one of the worst ways to treat a young person...like they should no experiences other than approved ones.
Often times that results in them acting out...and sometimes they aren't perpared for the concequenced of acting out because their very inexperience hasn't perpared them for confrnting difficult situations....
All they know is how to avoid them, but sometimes that doesn't work. Thet need to be self-assured enough, confident enough, to call for a ride home if their friends are drunk...even if it is embaressing. Or to leave a date and call a friend for a ride if someone gets too fresh with them.
posted
Well, I personally have practiced "avoidance" for nearly 14 years now... <grin> When you have kids, it is pretty easy to come up with excuses....
But anyway, I teach my kids avoidance, but with a balance. It just isn't a good idea to "tempt fate" if you will. Avoid being alone in an intimate way with the opposite sex. Much of this is the voice of past experience with me.
But I don't limit their friendships -- my kids all have friends of the opposite sex, but usually they all go out as a "group" and do things together -- not a lot of one-on-one, but they aren't ready to advance to that just yet. It gets them used to other people, etc. but in a more controlled environment.
I have to balance their viewpoint because they get a LOT of misandry from their grandmother, who belives basically that "men, sex and liquor are the basis of all evil in the world" <SIGH> She makes so matter-of-fact that all boys are only "out for sex" that I have to balance that when I talk to my kids and say that is NOT true of 100 percent of the male population.
So I do believe in avoidance, but in a realistic way. To use Icarus' example -- I am a recovered alcoholic. Not very often do I visit bars. Now, on occasion, I will go to a bar with a group of friends when we are going there to eat, or watch a game or something. But they are usually aware of the fact that I don't drink, and I don't feel pressure to do so, and so it doesn't bother me if they do. However, I would NOT go to a bar if I was feeling lonely and depressed, by myself, and generally more vunerable to giving in to a drink in order to fit in with others.
Anyway, I digress. I just wanted to add my two cents.
(p.s. - and more importantly to me, so far it has worked. None of my kids have been in intimate relations with the opposite sex, whereas my sister's kids, who she gives no restrictions to, have all lost their virginity, I believe, before leaving high school...)
It just seems to be that if Avoidance is the only thing you teach them, particularly about the opposite sex, then that not only doesn't prepare them for real life but it belittles them both by assuming that there is no way they could be other than those stereotypes.
So if you are talking about 14 year olds, teaching avoidance is a MUST...but it shouldn't be the only thing you discuss with them. Avoidance is a great tool, particularly when you know from your experiences that you have trouble dealing with something (drinking, sexual addiction, whatever). But what is you didn't ever get a chance to know what your strengths and weaknesses were because you were never allowed to experience anything outside of a very limited range of actions.
Never been kissed....never held someone in your arms...never had you "heart broken" by a crush...never allowed to have a date until you were "ready for marriage"...
Very sound advice for a 13 year old is not necessarily good advice for a 16 year old, 18, or 25 year old.
Not that avoidance isn't a great tool...but if that is all you teach then you are forgetting that sometimes you end up in a weird/different situation not of your choice.
I had never had any desire to do drugs, but I found myself in a room full of them, and they offered me some...free.
I was old enough, and had seen enough, that I wasn't tempted in the least. I left, and never went back...and eventually so did my friend.
I also was 33 when I got married last year, and I always found it sort of funny (and sad) that when I would date a woman they were all surprised to find out I had no children. None at all, even though I love kids.
So I guess all the "freedom" my parents gave me worked well, and even though I had plenty of chances to do whatever I wanted I kept myself under control for the most part. I had a brush with alcohol when I was in the Army (and for a year or so after i got out), but escaped without harm...and I can go into pool halls where all my friends are drinking and not drink anything other than soda...or I can have a beer or two and walk away. No problem, although it could have turned out much different very easily....
I practiced avoidance toward alcohol my whole life...and then I found out that it wasn't all bad. Because I thought I had been wrong all those years I went wild...and found myself right in the trouble I had been afraid of all along. I had no idea what being drunk felt like at all, and no idea where to draw the line.
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