Hatrack River Forum: LOTR Wenches' Tavern

my profile login | search | faq | forum home

»	Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » LOTR Wenches' Tavern (Page 13)

This topic comprises 15 pages: 1 2 3 ... 10 11 12 13 14 15

Author

Topic: LOTR Wenches' Tavern

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*fallow watches a round of golf*

*a hush falls over the televised spectators as Meager Woods steps to the tee*

ANNOUNCER: "here at the 9th hole, Meager is trailing by 5. He steps to the tee. He adusts his grip, and he swings!"

*smooft!*

*the ball arcs high over the fairway*

cut to blimp-cam:

ANNOUNCER: "the ball has left the fairway and appears to be heading for a " --broken-broadcast-zzz--

*blimp-cam zooms in golfball as it sails into an odd clearing tinged by greenish emanations of smokiness*

*CLICK*

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*looks on in horror as a speeding white spheroid nails the crone dead on the noggin*

that'll leave a mark

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*CLICK*

"Today on Ye Olde Kite..."

*watches with interest*

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*rushes to help the crone, who is face-down in the muck*

*drags the old hag from the pool*

*kicks the white spheroid angrily, sending it flying back into the woods*

now I may never know the secret of this place...

*notices the crone stirring*

*quickly ducks back into the cover of the trees*

*discovers that he is covered with fragrant blue froth*

booze?

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

cut to commercial:

chameleon 1 "they let him go?"

chameleon 2 "yeah, you don't remember?"

chameleon 1 "the ferret?"

chameleon 2 "yeah, the ferret! don't you remember?"

chameleon 1 "no need to get testy"

chameleon 2 "was I getting testy?"

chameleon 1 "yes. yes, you were."

*CLICK*

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*watches as the old woman slowly gets to her feet and staggers to the edge of a stream, where she wets a cloth and holds it to her head*

*notices that there are several small kegs stacked on a pallet at the edge of the stream; the old woman is gently placing the kegs into the flowing stream; she watches the kegs out of sight and then staggers to the shack, still holding her head*

*rises from his hiding place and runs to catch up with the last of the kegs bobbing its way downstream*

*wonders where the kegs are going*

*follows the kegs*

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*click*

"Legs! From toes to heaven I tell ya. Gams. Hi and mighty as you please..."

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*is concerned that it will soon be too dark to follow the stream*

*runs ahead of the kegs*

*sees a bridge over the stream just ahead; a dwarf is waiting on the bridge*

*freezes in his tracks, hoping that he hasn't been seen*

*watches out of the corner of his eye as the kegs tumble by*

*ducks behind a rock as the dwarf makes his way down the bank and begins lifting the kegs from the water*

*counts the kegs as the dwarf hauls them to his cart and notes that one keg from the crone's pallet is missing*

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*clicks tele off*

*goes to take a shower and start the day*

*borrows towels from the wenches linen cabinets*

*lathers up and croons*

"there never seems to be enuff time to do the things you wanna do..."

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*searches upstream for the missing keg*

*finds it bobbing in an eddy*

*finds over a dozen open kegs nearby*

*settles against a tree for the night, waiting to see if anyone comes to retrieve the lost keg*

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*bellows*

"ONCE YOU FIND THEM!"

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*slips in the tub, conks noggin on sparkling wenchie's tub and reaches for Croche's timely embottlement of...*

ANNOUNCER "Find out next week!! Same Fallow time. Same Fallow channel"

*cut to commercial*

chameleon 1: "Didn't you mean Chanel?"

chameleon 2: "Whaddya mean?"

*CLICK*

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*grows tired of waiting for whoever has been pilfering the kegs of mushroom ale*

*the gnawing in his belly tells him it is time to get back to the Wenches' Tavern*

*begins to rise from his hiding place*

*hears a twig snap in the woods on the other side of the stream*

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*wakens prune-like in the wenches' tub transfixed by the discovery channel's investigative report*

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*watches program to its conclusion*

*towels off*

*dons silken drawers placed tidily within neat'n'modest reach*

*commences to prowling the confines of the tavern hoping for a map*

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*is overcome by hunger*

"But I can't leave that keg here for someone to steal."

*decides that the keg doesn't contain ale at all, but rather, something much stronger*

"Distilled mushroom spirits perhaps?"

*remembering the after-effects of Jenny's mushroom stew, decides that he had better not leave the keg for some unfortunate soul to discover*

*retrieves the keg from the stream*

*heads downstream to the bridge*

*finds the road a familiar one and begins the long march back to the tavern*

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*heads upstairs to rummage through the wench's rooms*

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*drags into the Wenches' Driveway*

*passes the freshly-polished Porsche on the way up to the porch*

"Oh no, I forgot the steering wheel!"

*collapses on the porch, the keg still under his arm*

*imagines that a cat in wench's undies is holding the door open for him*

*crawls through the doorway*

[ June 24, 2004, 01:50 AM: Message edited by: skillery ]

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*consults list of wenches*

*glances at door*

"Out? That doesn't sound right."

*opens front door and peers out at the garden*

"hmm..."

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*climbs into a mossy chair and sets the half-empty keg onto the lovely grass-covered table*

*adjusts the antennae on a grasshopper for better reception*

*click*

♫ ...a might sailor man,
the skipper brave and sure,
five passengers set sail...♫

*click*

*notices that the lion in panties is eyeing him hungrily*

*crawls under a toadstool to hide*

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*scratches Out off the list, taking little note of the 'get' before it*

*adjusts drawers*

*eyes steps up to the tower*

*makes notes on checklist sidebar regarding impact of fluctuations in size and fur appeal in headlong trajectory*

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*is swallowed by an earthworm, slowly digested, and then excreted as tiny sapphires*

*becomes the blue stripe in the rainbow, nestled snuggly between green and indigo*

*is crowded out by the greedy colors and falls into the gray sea, staining it slowly in an outward spiralling vortex of blue*

*washes up on a distant shore and is slowly baked by the sun*

*is lifted by a gentle breeze and joins the sky, adding to its blueness until there is nothing but blue*

[ June 24, 2004, 02:53 AM: Message edited by: skillery ]

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*slaps skillery soundly across the face, knocking creeping bits of moss loose*

(ignores creeping moss scuttling away)

"we've got WORK TO DO!"

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

huh?

Fallow?

What's that on your head?

Dude, try some of this mushroom juice!

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*wonders why the blue in the blue blue sky is downing a torrent of stew on his noggin*

*licks sleeve*

"note: fix tavern's skylight"

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*pours Fallow another glass*

"Thanks a lot Gilligan!"

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

"don't mention it, professor."

*consults best hand-sketched map of tavern's bewildering expanse*

*slings skillery over shoulder and huffs it up to - pauses to double check - maryanne's room*

*deposits skillery and makes with short prayer to resident wenches to see the lad through a peaceful slumber*

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

Jenny Gardener
Member
Member # 903

posted

page dropped from "The Very Secret Diary of Jenny Gardener"

Kiss List

Aragorn - very polite and respectful, savors the moment, waits for you to lead

Boromir - passionate, uses tongue

Frodo - sweet and shy

Gandalf - expert, lights a fire

Gimili - aggressive, hungry

Legolas - sensual and teasing

Merry - playful, usually end up bumping noses

Pippin - unsure but eager to learn

Sam - honest and firm

All in all, a very nice Fellowship!

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Apr 2000 | IP: Logged |

Space Opera
Member
Member # 6504

posted

Space Opera enters the kitchen with a large squash freshly picked from her garden. Setting the squash aside, she places a large pot of water over the fire to boil.

All too soon the water is ready, interrupting her cup of tea. She dumps loads of pasta into the pot and deftly peels and slices the squash. She cooks the squash with a wee bit of olive oil and a whole lot of lemon pepper. Mixing the drained pasta with the squash, she pokes her head out of the kitchen and yells, "Food's up!"

Posts: 2578 | Registered: Apr 2004 | IP: Logged |

Shan
Member
Member # 4550

posted

*Wanders in from wandering*

*Smells food and tea, sees cheerily burning fire and sighs in pleasure*

"Jenny's back! Yeah! And she's recruited a new wench! Yeah!"

*Spies paper on floor*

"A kissing list . . . hmmm . . . yes, exactly, . . . no, no - he never was like that, . . . reaaallllly - I'll have to give him a try next time he's a round, [Blushing]

ahhh, how sweet . . . "

*Looks around for possible owner of [Kiss]

list and decides to place under the candle on the hearth*

*Dishes up a plate of delicious noodles and squash. Daintily chows down. Heads into kitchen to wash dishes and then heads up the stairs for a lengthy, bubble-filled bath*

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*sits on hearth while pulling on boots*

*sees a sign-up sheet under a candle*

*adds name to list*

Skillery: A friendly peck on the cheek

*has a bit of squash and noodles before going out to the tool shed*

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*throttles squirrel*

*descends tree*

*takes care to gingerly step over sleepwishily-inclined wench*

*inspects Harley for damage*

*keys ignition*

*stomps*

[ July 01, 2004, 03:20 AM: Message edited by: fallow ]

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*brakes to sudden halt, stirring up a dust cloud*

*sniffs the wind*

*coughs*

*sniffs again*

*blows dust-caked nose nuggets into a hanky and turns the bike around*

"lemon pepper!"

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*borrows a saw from the tool shed, gathers some spider twine, and heads into the woods*

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*performs an unintended skidding donut of a halt at the steps of the tavern's porch*

*falls over*

"ouch"

*pushes bike off self and sniffs*

*climbs porch stairs, lays paws to screen door and notices a loose leaf of paper skittering about the porch*

*snags piece of paper*

*empties caked nostrils and reads:*

"BABY SPIDER BENEFIT"

*scans down page impatiently, half-reading, lips moving awkwardly over hard words (cue: VO?)*
.
.
.

"fund-raising activities to include:"

"Jenny's KISSING CONTEST"

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

Jenny Gardener
Member
Member # 903

posted

Do I get to be the judge or am I a contestant?

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Apr 2000 | IP: Logged |

Morgan Sylvia
New Member
Member # 6660

posted

*wanders in, looks around, fluffs hair*

*sits in corner, eats cheese and olives*

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*emerges from the woods astride a huge, black and yellow orb weaver *

*guides the giant spider toward the Wenches' Tavern using the Porsche steering wheel, which is lashed to the back of the spider's head*

*wonders why everyone seems overcome by a sudden itching sensation*

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

Shan
Member
Member # 4550

posted

*Wanders downstairs after a relaxing bubble bath, still dreamily contemplating the kisses of Boromir as compared to Legolas*

*Wonders how the kisses of Turin, Beren or Gil-Galad would rate . . . *

*Pauses in a sunny well-lit nook in the staircase and glances out at the yard*

*Spies a very large spider heading towards the tavern and faints*

[ July 02, 2004, 11:36 PM: Message edited by: Shan ]

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*finishes note*

| sincerely yours, |
| Jenny - "judge, jury and osculator", XOXOXO |

"osculator?"

*turns at the crashing sounds coming from the edge of the forest*

*waves to Skillery*

"well, I'll be damned!"

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

Jenny Gardener
Member
Member # 903

posted

*kisses skillery's Argiope spider*

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Apr 2000 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*jumps down from the spider and hands the reins to Jenny*

We're going to have lots of fun with this one. Web's got lot's of spring to it.

*unties the disassembled kite from the spider's back*

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

Jenny Gardener
Member
Member # 903

posted

I wonder if I could get her to spin me a hammock for the Paradise Room?

Posts: 3141 | Registered: Apr 2000 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*hails Skillery from the porch*

Nice ride!

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

She'll make you a hammock and then give it a good twang with one of her legs.

Hey fallow, watch this!

*climbs the old willow tree, ties one end of some orb weaver twine to his ankle and the other end to a stout branch*

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*settles onto the porch railing*

*raises an eyebrow*

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

*launches head first off the tree limb*

Oooof

Little too much slack...

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*winces*

superb! hey skillery!

*gestures at the wench holding the ride's reigns*

who's that? the missus?

*wishes there was a porch swing*

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

skillery
Member
Member # 6209

posted

We call her Mommy Bugga Bugga. I don't think she swings with anything less than six legs though.

Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

fallow
Member
Member # 6268

posted

*checks translator device*

*gestures at Skillery and points at empty space on porch*

*points at own butt on porch railing*

I meant, it would be nice to have something to sit on!

Posts: 3061 | Registered: Mar 2004 | IP: Logged |

This topic comprises 15 pages: 1 2 3 ... 10 11 12 13 14 15

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2