posted
Okay, I'm not going to resurrect this thread about the parole hearing and all the led up to it, etc. But I did mention in that thread that I had been informed my dad's killer had just written a "letter of apology" after 23 years.
I now have that letter.
I want to post it where you can read it and give feedback -- but I'm having trouble doing that. I scanned it, and have it as both bitmap and *.jpg. If I open the JPG on my XP machine, it opens in photo/fax editor that comes with Windows, and you can change size to read it more easily. But if I open it on a Windows 98 machine, it comes up tiny and you can't read it.
So I don't know how to link to it from my server in such a way that I'm sure everyone here can read it.
Do you want me to just post it as I have it and take my chances?
posted
Well, I tried saving it as almost full size (regular 8 1/2 x 11 paper) but had cropped his address off the top (for privacy) and sized it down just a little (to like 7 x 9 or so) but it doesn't show that way on operating system other than Win XP...
Farmgirl *....hmm... going to try something.....*
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posted
I would think if you just uploaded it as a JPEG to a photo site it would come up it's normal size. It's worth a try.
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posted
Mozilla autosizes it too, but one click will expand the gif to its true size. IE has something similar, which you can disable, except you need to hover over the image for a little bit until the a little window shows up to click on, I think.
I wasn't going to voice my opinion until I heard from some of you. But I will say nothing that he said jives with any of the reports I get from the workers inside the prison..
posted
Funny, that didn't read like an apology to me. That read like a petition... trying to convince you he feels remorse rather than showing actual remorse.
But I'm cynical. If it reads as genuine to you, and is helpful and comforting to you, I'm glad you have it. Obviously, 23 years in prison isn't the best place to learn writing skills, so I could just be biased that way as well.
(((Farmgirl&family))) It can't be easy for you. I'm glad you got the desired result from the hearing, with parole being denied, but I'm sorry you have to go through this again in three more years. Save all your documents and stuff from this time around, so you don't have to recreate it then, if you have basically the same views.
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posted
After reading the text, I think I might be curious to develop a correspondence with this guy. There's no way you can tell if he's sincere unless you come to know him. Is he this articulate really, or did someone write it for him? I can understand feeling a revulsion, too, and not EVEN wanting to know him. But it seems like it matters to you whether or not he's really sincere. I can't guess what you ought to do, because nothing of the sort has ever happened to me. I expect that there is possible healing to be found for this horrible wrong he did to you and your family in getting to know who he is as a person.
I will tell you that not long ago I read a book called "True Notebooks" by Mark Salzman, in which he talks about a writing class he teaches for young convicts. Most of them are murderers. He knows the kids well, and not their victims, so he realizes this masks for him the full horror of what they have done. But alongside the horror is also the humanity. I am also human, and so I know that this capacity that they have is also in me. Reading that book made me feel the humanity of those kids.
It may not be something that would be good for you, but I think if it were me, I would want to write the guy and just see who he is.
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posted
Yeah...I don't buy it. It just doesn't feel authentic to me, you know? More like some guy mouthing platitudes in hopes of getting something out of it. I could be wrong, of course, but that's my take on it.
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posted
I don't think I can offer you anything either, without any similar experiences to draw on. For me the letter seemed to be too much scripture and not enough apology. But I've never pretended to be a religious man so of course it rings hollow to me.
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posted
I think... a sincere letter would be able to convey his feelings in a better way. I mean, I don't expect it to be an academic essay, of course, but this just did not feel like something into which much effort was put. Even if the guy is not very literate, he had 23 years to think about what to put in such a letter, and how to do this. This letter... seems hollow. Like it was written within an hour or two, without prior consideration, or self-searching.
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1) I have been told (by those in the know) that almost ALL prisoners put in some kind of "letter of apology" on file, to aid in their chances of parole.
2) I was pre-warned, by those same people, that prisoners teach each other "catch phrases" to use in such letters, like "my faith" (talking a lot about that), etc. There are several of those phrases in this letter.
3) I know for a fact that he has requested permission to practice Voodoo, and failing that, Rastafarian, religions in prison. Both are currently prohibited. He does not actively participate in any Christian group there, Christian religion or faith/prayer group of any kind. So all his claims of faith, to me, are blatant lies.
4) I just don't think he is mentally right, and I think the letter shows some of that. I do not know whether he wrote it himself or it he had help. But it does seem to me that the wording seems written by someone possibly one fry short of a happy meal.
Yes, I have been tempted to respond. But I think any response I would give would be limited to: "I have forgiven you a long time ago, but that doesn't rescend the penalty. I want you to fulfill the full penalty of life in prison."
As I was reading your response, CT, I was thinking "wow, she phrased that so much more eloquently than I did. I wish I'd said that!"
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To echo others, my reaction to reading the letter was "Why he is preaching about forgiveness?" It did not read like a real apology at all. There's no penitence. The few sentences that contain any hit of sorrow read like a 12 year old gushing about a favorite movie.
posted
Yes, he definitely does not seem to be "all there" mentally. Obviously to be capable of something such as this, one would think there is something mentally wrong with him even before reading this letter. I was disgusted at hearing him quote the scripture, and I'm not even religious.
I backtracked and read the initial thread to see what happened... Farmgirl, you are such a beautifully strong woman and should be an inspiration to all of us.
posted
You know, I didn't even notice that one line when he said that about forgiving others. I saw the Lord's prayer and didn't get that the point of his putting that in was the bit about forgiving trespasses. Yeah, he should totally not be using scriptures to exhort you to forgive him! I missed that completely in the first reading.
I did read it in the light of him asking for the miracle of light and healing to come to all of us.
Again, there's just no way to know unless you know him better. But the line exhorting you to forgive that you may be forgiven does tend to weight it in my mind into being more of a Ced-apology than a sincere expression of remorse. (The main theme of a Ced-apology, of course, being something like "let it go and forgive, already, you jerks!")
[ August 05, 2004, 11:10 AM: Message edited by: ak ]
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posted
I just can't get over the fact that he put a prayer in his letter! Shouldn't his prayer be to God? What good will it do him to type it in a letter to you?
(Thanks for sending it, FarmGirl.)
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posted
I think he is just trying to "show" that he is "religious" is why he stuck it into the letter. Or maybe in case we didn't already KNOW the scripture...
posted
Farmgirl, darling, I really am amazed at your outlook on this. I admire your ability to talk about this, and the way you are handling it.
As I was reading it, and I didn't read anyone elses' comments first, my thoughts were "this reads like a list of catch phrases and scripture chosen because it talks about forgiveness." Then I read what you said about prisoners teaching each other what things to put in their letters and I just knew that was what happened here, I can just feel it.
I got nothing from it to lead me to believe the man was indeed a repentant sinner who wanted forgiveness from someone he'd wronged. I hate to presume about someone elses' spiritual life, but I will just tell you that if I have any gift of discernment at all, it was telling me this man's claims were false. If you respond, then I would do just as you said.
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posted
This letter seems to be MORE evidence that what you said about him in your comments was correct. I mean, you said he had never apologized or shown remorse, so he writes a letter of apology and uses the word 'remorse'. Golly, you could use it when he comes up for parole the next time, as proof that he's still impulsive and reckless and possibly dangerous.
That's awful. I'm sorry that you've had to go through this, Farmgirl. I really am. *hugs*
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posted
I'm so sorry Farmgirl. That letter completely sickened me. Perhaps he's not that "angry young man" he was 23 years ago, but he certainly hasn't learned what remorse truly is. It seemed to me that he was more sorry about his time in prison than his crime.
posted
Really. I feel like this letter is kinda proof that he should never, ever be let out, specifically because he doesn't feel any real remorse after 23 years. Posts: 6367 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I agree with the posters, esp. CT, who see the letter as a way to try to manipulate you. He seemed much more focused on himself and his feelings than on you and your family.
quote:I mean, if he wanted to apologize for doing wrong, then the scripture-quoting was meaningless unless it pertained to his own guilt, not your forgiveness of it.
This is it exactly. He seemed more focused on your "lack of forgiveness" than on his own deeds.
I'm sorry that you had to read the thing.
to Farmgirl
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posted
Oh, CT! Please don't dismiss all seeming hyperbole!
I'm not saying this to argue for one interpretation over another of this man or his letter, cause I think you have to know the person better than one letter can show to really say.
But just for my own self, I want to say to CT that some people experience life in what seems to other people to be extremes. Because of their internal hard-wiring or whatever. Some people's input pots are all stuck on 10, to use a metaphor from electronics.
This is how I've been all my life. I am often accused of hyperbole when instead what I do is constantly, unrelentingly try to tone down myself and my experience of life as it is communicated to other people, to keep from frightening them and offending their sensibilities. I am accused of exaggerating when instead I am doing my very best to understate.
The thing that freaked me out so much about Gregor Samsa yesterday was that look of fear in the eyes of the people, his parents, his boss, at beholding this revolting and utterly alien being as they slowly backed away. I know that look well. CT, you are strong and brave and don't have that look in your eyes.
[ August 05, 2004, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: ak ]
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posted
If it's helpful at all FG, this sounds to me just like every other prison letter I've ever read (my boss worked as a chaplain at the federal prison here for about 3 years, so I got to read lots of...ummmmm.... odd letters).
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posted
The sad thing is that I know I could write a more sincere apology than that, and I didn't even do it.
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posted
"Lives the hyperbolic life" is not a good description of what I mean, though. (Oh, I see that you've edited and rephrased it.)
I think of it like this. Raw reality contains much more, in both intensity and range of inputs, than any mortal being can process, or experience. Therefore our lowest levels of hardware contantly filter this raw data stream into something that's acceptable and managable for our selves (our aiuas, maybe) to receive and live through. I don't know what the proportions are but maybe something less than 1% gets through. My guess is it's quite likely to be less than .001%
So if a person comes along whose filters instead are set so that they receive 0.1%, then they would be perceived by the normal people as exaggerating reality by a factor of 100. Instead what they are doing is experiencing slightly more of what reality really is, and what they do receive they get with much higher intensity than others seem to get.
I haven't read far enough in the story to see if there is one person, perhaps Gregor's sister, who can look upon him unflinchingly. I always thought of you, CT, as one of the unflinching ones.
[ August 05, 2004, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: ak ]
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posted
I do see what you mean about the focus needing to be on the external rather than the internal. On what needs to be accomplished rather than who is doing the accomplishing.
I'm convinced, though, that the answer lies not in trying to force yourself to be like other people seem to be, like they seem to want you to be and insist upon you being.
The answer for Gregor is to figure out what he, as a giant cockroach, wants to contribute, accomplish, and be. Just like it worked much better when he fell over forward onto all his legs rather than trying to stand upright on the back two legs, to fit into the mold of humanity. It was really painful and didn't work well when he was trying that approach. When you discover that you're a monsterous cockroach, the only thing to do from that point forward is decide to be a really great one. The terror in other people's eyes as they behold you is not something you can do a whole lot about. You try your best not to alarm them but in the end you have to admit that to them you're really alien and scary and they are probably going to run away as fast as they can.
[ August 05, 2004, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: ak ]
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posted
While I appreciate everyone's kind words and accolades, I feel badly when you all portray me as strong and handling this well, etc.
I mean - it HAS been 23 years. And the first 5 to 10 years of that, I did not handle it well AT ALL! I really screwed up my life badly at that time. ( hello out there to all other friends of Bill W.!)
So I really don't see myself as strong -- because it has taken me so long to get to this point.
posted
Farmgirl, what makes you strong is not determined at all by how long it took you to get to this point. The fact that you got here at all proves that you are amazing. Furthermore, this parole situation is happening to you right now and you are dealing masterfully. Accept it, you're great. Posts: 117 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
One thing I learned in therapy - when someone compliments you don't dismiss it. Accept it. Receive it - you know we are sincere (at least I hope you know I'm sincere) and truth is no matter how much time has passed wounds like that one don't heal all the way.
Having this parole stuff brings it all back up again, so don't dismiss how difficult this is. And hear what we're saying and accept it - YOU HAVE DONE WELL.
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quote:truth is no matter how much time has passed wounds like that one don't heal all the way
It's true. I think a lot of people carry around old pain, never really getting over it. In fact, a lot of people even carry around little slights for years and years. One of my best friends still hasn't gotten over the time, some fifteen years ago, that his dad didn't let him choose a dish at a Chinese restaurant even though everybody else got to. I think if you have found a way to make peace with this terrible thing in your heart, no matter how long it took you to do it, it speaks to your strength of character.
posted
Yeah, Farmgirl! This is all incredibly painful and intense for you, I'm sure. The fact that you handle it so well, even years later, is indeed a testament to your strength.
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posted
like others have said...it bothered me when I read it since it felt like he was using faith to tell you that faith requires that you forgive and free him. He had a couple of comments about remorse...but it seemed to focus more on the fact that he should be forgiven rather than the fact that what he did was wrong. It just felt fake to me. Of course hearing your comments about the fact that he does not truly practice the Christian faith as he claims in the letter sickens me. If he really was now a Christian and simply did not know how to phrase things correctly, and that led him to sound manipulative that would be one thing...but to claim to have faith simply to get out of being punished for murder. Personally I think that is far worse than not giving any apology at all. I think it shows a lack of remorse...and a willingness to use people to get his way. It does not seem that the 23 years have done much to improve his outlook on life.
Is there any way you can use what the prison guards have told you about the voodoo and such? Are his requests public record? At the very least can you subpoena guards to testify at the hearing? If so I think that could help you at the next hearing...you can show that he was trying to manipulate you by lying in an apology letter. It could show that he is not reformed...and still manipulates people's emotions to get his own way.
Just out of curiosity…in your original post it sounded like your father was a police officer, is that the case or did I miss interpret what you said. If he was, why is the guy even up for parole? Isn’t killing a police officer a capital crime...or does your state not do that? Sorry if that is to personal, I was just wondering if that could be used somehow in the hearings…showing that others in his situation faced the death penalty, so in his case life in prison should be thought of as a less harsh sentence than what he could have gotten.
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posted
(((Farmgirl))) To me, it reads like a form letter. There's no emotion. I know it's been said before in this thread, but it seems like he did it just because he thought it might aid his chances for parole.
(((Farmgirl))) While I've attended the funerals of many family members, I've never lost one in such a brutal manner. I also don't know if I'd have the strength to read it, much less share it with others and invite comments on it. You're a stronger person than I. Posts: 4569 | Registered: Dec 2003
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