posted
The following selection is from my short-story, 'Blackberry Witch.'
I need to know if Nina's thought processes are realistic. Plus, any advice you have on how to portray the duality of blame (blame him, blame me) really works, I'd appreciate knowing it.
quote: When Nina woke up, sore from toting boxes and furniture, Brujo was sitting at the end of her mattress. She didn�t move�didn�t make a sound. Just watched him for a bit. He had the ghost in a mason jar and was whispering softly into the jar�s wide, open mouth. With every word, the ghost seemed to shiver. It was a pathetic thing after a night with Brujo. Not that it had ever been much. But now the edges of the ghost were blurring and fading, weeping off into nothingness. Brujo inserted a finger into the jar, touched the ghost, then lifted his finger to his lips.
Thanks so much!
[ July 05, 2004, 10:22 AM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
Sounds realistic to me. I played the coulda woulda shoulda game for years after my divorce. I love the way you put it. Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Scott, almost all of it works for me, except this bit:
"She had never written Brujo erotic emails detailing all her fantasies and pleasures."
It doesn't ring true for the character, or the flow you've established. Perhaps "She had never incorporated Brujo into any of her fantasies or pleasures" works better? The character doesn't strike me, at least based on the excerpt, as the erotic E-mail type -- and, besides, it seems to me that the sending of erotic E-mail would at best be a symptom of a larger feeling.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
I don't like the word "Step" being capitalized each time. But I would have to go look up whether or not that is proper. I might be. It was just distracting to me. Didn't help the sentence flow.
In fixing the "step" thing, maybe you could just put the numbers (and not the word "step") or you could just not number them at all and list them instead. And start the list as "eight little rules" or something.
It didn't bother me that much, though.
I assume the Spiderman underwear has some relevance to the rest of the story. If not, I would ditch it (um...well, I would mention that he's in his boxers, but not worry about what kind they are). It's too quirky a detail if there's no other reference to it.
As for the divorce stuff, to me, the more usual "conflicted emotion" monologue is about more than just self-doubt and self-recrimination. I would say, for instance, that it's a good thing to think about what Steve's rules should've been too. Or that all of 1-7 would've been easy if she'd cared to try. But that #8 was just not even possible.
In fact, that's how I would make it more "realistic." That the 1000's of things one might've done to save a marriage are overshadowed by the one thing that couldn't be done and the spouse never did understand.
But that's just my $.02, your results may vary.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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I really enjoyed that little excerpt. I think it let the reader know a lot about the characters in a short bit of text, and yet wanting to know more. I especially liked the sing-song comments. They did sort of reminded me of a "country-music" rundown of the "shoulda-coulda-woulda's" of someone going through a divorce. (At least it seems like it.) Can't wait to read more.
quote:He just watched her, as she had had watched him.
Is that too many "had's"?
Posts: 822 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
Great stuff, Scott. Personally, I liked the "Step 1, Step 2, . . ." stuff and would leave it in. First, it makes the rhythm more sing-songy, like a rhyme used to remember something. Capitalizing the word "Step" in my opinion just gives it more weight, like these are The Steps rather than just some steps she might have taken.
As for the "Spiderman boxers" thing, it wasn't until then, and the mention of "baby-fat" that I realized Brujo was a kid (her kid, I assume). Since marital issues were on my mind from your title and preface, I assumed Brujo was the husband (or ex) until I read those clues.
I really want to read the whole thing now.
Posts: 6394 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
You know, I keep re-reading it, and it just gets better each time. Maybe I need to slow down in my FIRST reading of pieces and really allow them to soak in and enjoy....
posted
Tom, actually, I thought that was the point. It is out of her character -- her ex-husband *did* those things, contributing to the divorce.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Um...if Brujo is her kid (or A kid), there are some really sick things in that passage where she's obviously thinking about how she HASN'T done sexual things with Brujo -- the implication being that it would've been reasonable to expect she had.
quote:She had never slept with Brujo. She had never taken Brujo out for drinks. She had never written Brujo erotic emails detailing all her fantasies and pleasures.
One doesn't have such thoughts about a young child, right?
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
It never said he was eating the ghost. Said he was talking to it, lifted it out of the jar and to his lips. Never said ingesting. Maybe talking closer.
posted
I'm not entirely sure what Brujo is. Is he human? "Brujo" translates as "warlock", right?
I'm also not sure what he'd doing with the ghost, but whatever it is, it seems to be draining the ghost of vitality, right? And he does touch the ghost and then put his finger to his mouth, like he's taking a little taste of it.
By the way, I absolutely love the phrase "weeping off into nothingness".
I personally find this fragment fascinating, and really want to read the rest of the story. Scott, will we be getting the opportunity to?
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Now see, I thought the ghost was weeping into nothingness because it was becoming morning, instead of because of what Brujo was saying. Interesting how different people interpret different parts of the passage...
FG (Scott R -- get back in here and give comments on what you're trying to portray here!)
Posts: 9538 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I speculated that Brujo was a human familiar. Unrelated, but still close, if she's a witch. I want to read the whole story after reading this exerpt
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Rereading it, I'm not sure Brujo is a human. He might be a djinni or something... a homunculus? I dunno.
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I don't like commenting on comments-- if any of you was watching this thread, you'd have noticed I deleted a post to Tom at the beginning that did just that.
If I comment on anything that's been said, that will taint the reader's reading for later. It's better to let the mystery remain.
But you all are helping me SOOOO much. I'm taking the advice of making the 'Step 1-8' more song like (loved the idea of a country song. . .); and it's nice to see that my ideas are understood.
Even if I'm not going to tell you WHICH ideas, everyone's input is VERY MUCH APPRECIATED.
[ January 16, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
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posted
You could make the steps rhyme with the numbers...
Step 1, have firm buns Step 2, never be blue Step 3, share freely Step 4, open THAT door Step 5, he's the funniest man alive Step 6, keep the budget fixed Step 7, be a wise old maven
Oh well... I like your steps & rhyme scheme better.
Never mind.
<Post not deleted because I wasted a lot of time on it>
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posted
Actually, what you see posted was the whole story at the time I posted it. Since Nina's emotional state will figure in greatly for the rest of the story, I figured I needed to make sure I had it at least plausible. . .
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
Gah. Stupid Scott and all his stupid Talent.
I have no useful criticisms, but I DO want to read this when it's done. By the way, Scott, do you have any other stories besides the ones set in Anthem's world? That you'd let me read? Posts: 1595 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
Not sure if it's a standard thing, but in Florida almost anyone can sub. It's 50 bucks to get fingerprinted, you fill out an application, and you have to be a high school grad. Since we've had newspaper stories about convicted felons working in our school system, the fingerprinting seems to be a way to get 50 bucks out of people.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Scott, it depends a LOT on the state. It also matters, in many states, whether she's trying to be hired to teach in a public school or private school.
In some states, all teachers -- including private school and substitute teachers -- must have specific credentials. More commonly, there are differences in the requirements for public, private, and substitute teachers.
In CA, public school teachers must have a credential; private school teachers do not have this requirement. I'm pretty sure that substitute teachers for public schools do not need to have a full teaching credential, but I'm not sure what they are required to have (if anything).
The place to do research is probably not a government site (although state sites will have the info, not county ones, usually -- education laws are primarily set at the state level). Try an agency that hires and places substitutes (local to whatever state you are setting this in). Tell me a state, and I'll help you look. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Subbing is actually pretty easy to get into. Depending on your state, you need a background check, a high school diploma, maybe some college, maybe a special certificate (this is new in my state). Very little special training. You get more $ if you have a teacher's license.
If you need realistic sub stories, ping me @ Jengardener@aol.com.
I'd also be thrilled to read over those excerpts for believability.
Posts: 3141 | Registered: Apr 2000
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posted
I've been reading up on how to make blackberry wine for this short story-- and wondered if any Jatraqueros had ever had any.
What does it taste like?
Smell like?
Look like?
I read somewhere that when it's finished being made, it's clear. how is that possible? I mean, it's made of blackberries. . .
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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As for fruit flavored wines, what you mostly taste is just the bearest hint of the fruit -- unless they add flavorings. Ultimately, the stuff tastes like wine, but sometimes sweeter or with a different "finish" to it than a grape-based wine.
It is true, I believe, that if you don't like the taste of the original fruit, you won't like the taste of the wine. There's a certain something about it that'll bug you. For example, the only people who like muscadine wines are those who also like muscadine grapes for eating -- seems to me.
Any fruit can be made into wine. You just allow it to ferment so that the sugars turn to alcohol. In the process a lot of the original flavor is transformed.
Having said all that, I have never tasted blackberry wine and so can't be any help to you at all.
posted
i'd just like to say that i was misled by this thread title -- though it was about "Blackberry Wine"...a novel by Joanne Harris...but it wasn't, i guess.
posted
The problem with "clear" meaning two different things is one I'm familiar with from teaching (and taking) physics classes, so I wondered. Glad it was helpful.
The only blackberry wine I've ever had was Manishewitz's -- and like ALL their "traditional" wines, it's dark, thick, and syrupy. *shudder* I like sweet, but not THAT sweet. I have a feeling that it's very different than most homemade blackberry wine, though.
Not that I'm volunteering to make some and check. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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I'm very excited by this story. I only got four hours of sleep last night because of it-- not because I was writing it, but because I couldn't stop thinking of it.
Whether it's crap or brilliant, I don't know. I know that I am really digging this groove I'm in. . .
[ July 05, 2004, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
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posted
Stay with the groove, Scott. You've got me so far. Also, stop posting your story here. Send it out to be critted by e-mail. You want to keep this story so that it can be published elsewhere, for money.
Posts: 3141 | Registered: Apr 2000
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Have I mentioned that I find your writing incredibly powerful -- and very disturbing?
The only part that was unclear was: "On the third day, there were no seeds left in the tub. Nor berry flesh." It is clear later (I think) that there WAS still juice at that point -- but to me, the quoted part almost implied that the tub was empty.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
I'm really grooving on this one, Scott. The idea is original and powerful, and it's got a very dark edge that you're able to capture perfectly in tone. There are a few minor grammar errors in this latest segment that any editor'll catch, and I've got one question about some exposition: when you have Bruja reveal his nature, is that the first time it's explicitly stated?
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