quote:Emily lifted the cup to her lips and inhaled deeply, the steam bringing a quick flush to her cheeks and filling the world with rose hips and oranges. She wrapped both crinkled hands around it and puckered her lips forward for a quick sip; the tea was still hot enough on her tongue that it had no flavor beyond, maybe, the aroma and memory of taste, so with a disapproving cluck she carefully returned it to the saucer in her lap. Her eyes half-shut, she rolled her head in a wide circle, grimacing as her stiff neck popped and complained, then leaned back and pressed her feet lightly against the square of old carpet. The rocker creaked once before tottering into its old rhythm.
And stopped. Her eyes flew open. Her hands went to her mouth, and the service slipped unnoticed off her knees in a brief symphony of porcelain. Behind her, as she scrabbled blindly for her cane, the chair rocked madly for a while before coming to rest.
Five points for a correct guess with either rationale for the guess or a critique of the story Two points for any guess with a critique One point for any guess with a rationale
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Heh, that's what comes of making lots of guesses.
I really like the structure of this piece. First you're wrapped in sensory description that seems as familiar as an old blanket, then it's all panicky emotion (except that it's not, really--it's an external description that still manages to bring the emotion in no uncertain terms), and finally the kind of darkness that makes you lean forward in your seat and want to know more.
posted
smell that tea... oranges and rose... hips? The type of rose hips in the tea is rosehips.
I loved the scene set here, and I love it when the main character is unexpected. Old, for instance.
I was also confused by the square of carpet, but that is only an imagination thing... Is it a little square of carpet, or a carpet that covers the whole floor, or a mat? When my mind went to imagine her feet it got thrown off by a little square of carpet in the middle of an uncarpeted floor. Is that what you meant?
posted
Just the fact that it's written from an older person's point of view makes me think it's a woman. Also, the snapshots of what's happening are very vivid, and I love some of the metaphors/similes/imagery used.
posted
This author has a gift of capturing sounds. The woman clucks, her neck pops, the rocker creaks. And my favorite, the "brief symphony of porcelain."
posted
The story has a very feminine feel to it. The violence at the end, if it was violence, is implied, not graphically detailed. The tea, the china, the sound and textures are all done well, with a strong feminine, and possibly European flair.
Amka?
For critique, I'd do the emphasis on the second paragraph slightly different:
quote:And stopped.
Her eyes flew open. Her hands went to her mouth, as the service slipped unnoticed off her knees in a brief symphony of porcelain.
This last sentence, I don't know if you mean that her chair rocked madly behind her, or if the behind her was a mistaken connection to the last paragraph. Its a bit choppy.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
I don't know, I think it's clear that the chair is what is 'Behind her'.. However, there are a few instances where the author uses commas in excess, a crime I am admittedly guilty of...
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
The author spelled porcelain right. So I'm guessing porce.
This author is more daring than I am...it would break my heart just to imagine losing an entire tea service. I love tea.
So I like this excerpt. I'm not sure I like the word "crinkle" to describe the skin of old hands, since old skin is still soft, just wrinkled. Crinkle is a sound, not really a texture. I love the way the tea is described, in that it was too hot to have a real flavor. I really got that, and liked it. OTOH, I like minty teas, so orange and rosehips doesn't appeal.
I did have some trouble visualizing the second paragraph. Did she fall out of her chair? Or just stop rocking? Or was she attacked? I got kind of lost there. But that could just be me and insomnia.
I'm sticking with porce, not so much because I really think she wrote it, but because it had her name spelled correctly in the exerpt.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
I really liked this, it was a strong and evocative piece that nestles you in to a character who is aching and relaxing, things are close to, but not quite, right in their world. And then, wiggity wiggity something happens. It's not exactly something jumping out and going BOO! but it's got the same effect. A successful piece, I think.
It does remind me of the scene in Stephen King's "A Perfect Storm" where the old lady is watching TV and sipping tea right before the fateful knock at the door.
It's a female writer, but my guess is going to have to be just that, a guess. I'll go with Ophelia .
Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
The mystery author seems to have an affinity for commas and near-run-on sentences. I would rewrite the middle portion as follows:
She wrapped both crinkled hands around it and puckered her lips forward for a quick sip; the tea was still hot enough on her tongue that it had no flavor beyond – maybe the aroma and memory of taste – so with a disapproving cluck she carefully returned it to the saucer in her lap. Her eyes half-shut, she rolled her head in a wide circle, grimacing as her stiff neck popped and complained. Then she leaned back and pressed her feet lightly against the square of old carpet. The rocker creaked once before tottering into its old rhythm.
The original sentences, with their excesses of commas, disrupted the flow of the piece, IMO.
posted
"Crinkled" leapt out at me as a poor choice choice of words, and reading it I thought "okay, this is probably going to be a pretty amaturish piece". I was very plesantly surprised with the rest of the fragment.
The imagery used to describe the tea, "the tea was still hot enough on her tongue that it had no flavor beyond, maybe, the aroma and memory of taste", is absolutely beautiful, and completely apt. Very well done.
I disagree completely with twink about the use of commas in this bit, by the way; I didn't find them distracting in the least. Then again, I tend to use commas that way myself, so maybe it's just a question of taste or style. I do have to say that his use of hyphens is wrong though; in order for something like that to work, the material outside the hyphens has to form a complete unit in and of itself; the material within the hyphen just provides extra information. The sentence "The tea was still hot enough on her tongue that it had no flavor beyond so with a disapproving cluck she carefully returned it to the saucer in her lap."--twink's sentence with the material within the hyphens removed--just doesn't work. Beyond what?
Anyway, back to the fragment.
The one other thing that pulled me out of the story was the use of the phrase "puckered her lips forward". I don't really have a good suggestion for an alternate way to phrase that, but I'll think about it. I know exactly the movement you're describing, so you conveyed that well, but somehow the word "pucker" just stopped me cold for a second.
I have less of an idea of whose work this might be than any of the other pieces I've guessed on, but since I've been wrong in 100% of my guesses, I'm not about to let that stop me.
My guess: celia
I could see celia writing this, and I could *definitely* see her offing this sweet old lady, being evil and all.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well that sounds all too fair. I want my tiger points back!
Actually I never guess on these because I just know that I'm going to guess so off base that I'll either be laughed at or be the target of rotten fruit.
posted
Hmmm...has anyone guessed Kayla yet? I haven't seen any examples of her fiction, that I can think of, but for the same reasons I mentioned in my last post, I could see her writing this one.
posted
I would probably have started with the last line first, for a grabber. But then, I do not write suspense. I was rather distracted by the discovery that our protagonist was, I assume, blind, and that kept any real suspense from that final line. I might also have worded it: "Something was stirring in the darkness. Again." to provide immediacy.
posted
Thanks, Noemon. With the misdirection that has occured in the past in these games, It's really just a matter of guessing off of the list! I don't think Slash, for instance, would write with his protagonist sniffing the bouquet of her tea, but that would be a good reason for even him to do it.
Okay, I agree that the woman is blind, but I'm not sure if the "Something <that> stirred in the darkness" was just a result of her blindness or something more sinister. To me, it seemed a little ambiguous. Maybe the author should try to clear that up a little bit.
posted
I don't think she's blind, per se... sighted folks still try to grab stuff without looking at it...
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ryuko's right. She just scrabbled blindly for the cane. It was a supposition that it was a blind cane, but she could just be old, or perhaps lame (like my last guess). Crinkled hands? Chris Chrinkled?
Oh, well, how about another guess: Maethoriell?
Posts: 1843 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
This is tough. Everyone i would have surmised has been guessed already.
I really, really loved this piece with the exception of the word "crinkled," to echo those who said it sounded out-of-place. care-worn or some other word depicting age without making it seem like her hand's gonna fall off would have been preferable.
I adored the steam bringing a flush to her cheeks, and absolutely LOVED the tea being too hot to have a flavor. That's so true. As a sometime tea-drinker, daughter of a tea-addict that's exactly, EXACTLY what its like. It's just like...hot water, really, until it's cooled a bit.
A feminine feel, descriptive, caring towards the elderly...mentions of flowers and tea...if she was on the list, i'd guess Jenny Gardner.
dkw, is this yours?
edit: oh, another thought i had re-reading the excerpt...this passage
quote: Her hands went to her mouth, and the service slipped unnoticed off her knees in a brief symphony of porcelain
seems off to me.
I know exactly what you're trying to say, but it seems like there's something amiss. The china didn't slip off in a symphony of porcelain, it slipped off, and then created a symphony of porcelain. One, then the other. The way you have it, it sounds like the symphony is created on the fall down, which i don't believe is what you intended? I could be wrong.
posted
I don't really have anything new in terms of critique or telling details that reveal the author, but reading over it again, I could imagine that Caleb might have written this.
posted
Hmmm...I just noticed that TomD hasn't been guessed yet, and I remember that in a recent round of this game he was complaining that his work hadn't been "up" yet.
So, even before my Caleb guess can be shot down, I'm making another: It's Tom, in the coatroom, with a lead pipe.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Cry]](graemlins/cry.gif)
I want my tiger points back! ![[No No]](graemlins/nono.gif)
![[Laugh]](graemlins/laugh.gif)
at the entire last round.![[Hail]](graemlins/hail.gif)
Slash!)
