posted
i have the worst joke ever that's funny because its so bad...."what's the difference between an orange and a bicycle?"...."they both have handle bars except for one" HAHA...yeah it's dumb. or of course you can change it to an OSC joke since this is an OSC forum and say "what's the difference between Ender Wiggin and a bicycle?" "they both have handlebars except for one"
Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
What were the last words spoken at the Last Supper? --Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.
Posts: 464 | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
Posts: 1594 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Posts: 1594 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Posts: 1594 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Flaming Toad on a Stick: And finally
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Don't tell me that's true
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
An Mans been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Posts: 201 | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
There was this Toad, right. And he made disparaging remarks about New Jersey, right. And then he was never heard from again! It's more a counterpunch than a joke, but whaddeva.
Posts: 1156 | Registered: Jan 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
There was this Toad, right. And he set his joke in a mythical environment of his own creation, so as not to anger the New Jersey Air Force.
Posts: 1594 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
So three ducks enter a bar. The bartender asks the first one what his name is and how he is doing. "I'm Huey, and I've been going in and out of puddles all day! What more could a duck want?" So the bartender walks up to the second duck and asks again. "I'm Dewey, and I've been going in and out of puddles all day! What more could a duck want?" So the bartender catches on and walks up to the third duck and says "You must be Loui!" - "No. I'm Puddles."
Posts: 129 | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
An eighty-year old man is at the doctor. He is excitedly telling the doctor about a child his young wife just had. "I've still got it," the old man smirks.
The doctor looks at the poor chap. "Let me tell you a story. A hunter was once in a hurry. When he left his cabin, he grapped his umbrella instead of his gun! Well, he quickly realised his mistake, but as he was going back to the cabin, he came upon a bear. As the bear charged him, he held up his umbrella and squeezed the handle. Amazingly, the bear fell dead!"
"That's impossible!" The old man exclaimed. "Someone else must have shot that bear!"
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to herd the space elephants and another to fill the bathtub up with power tools.
Posts: 1332 | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
A nun, a rabbi, a Cardinal, a blond, a burnet, an Oxford graduate, a Cambridge alumnus and the Canadian curling team are in a van. They are pulled over by a county-mountie "You have exceeded the legal number of charecters in this joke" (It helps alot if you do a county-mountie voice, which is much like a local-yokel voice but countier.)
A nun, a rabbi and an iman walk into a bar, the bartended says (in a New Jersey accent) "hey what iz thiz, a joke?"
Posts: 1332 | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Two guys walk into a bar. The first guy turns to the second guy and says, "You didn't see it either, did you?"
Posts: 364 | Registered: Dec 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
posted
Two vampire bats are trying to hibernate in their cave. One is restless, says to the other, "I've just got to have some blood."
The other replies, "I'm hungry too, but it's the middle of winter, and there are no animals around to feed from. You're better off staying here and conserving your energy."
The other falls silent, but after a while says "I just can't stand it anymore, I'm going to go out and look for something to eat, I don't care!" and flies out of the cave.
The other bat remains, but to his surprise his friend returns a short while later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"Where did you find that blood?!" the first bat exclaims.
"Come with me," his friend replies, and together they fly from the cave.
Together they fly between rock and tree, meadow and creek, until they come to a dense part of the inner forest, and the source of the blood.
The first bat says to his friend, "Now, do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes," he replies.
"Well," he says, "I didn't."
Posts: 454 | Registered: Mar 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
There was three men that went to a group suppourt. One man was an acholic, one man was a chain smoker, and one man was gay. They all swore to stop doing what they were doing, and will help suppourt each other. The shrink told the each of the three men that if they don't stop their habits, they will die.
So the three men went for a walk, and the acholic told the smoker and the gay man that he wanted to take one last shot of whiskey. So they went to a bar, and the acholic drank his shot of whiskey and the next moment the acholic was dead.
The gay man and the smoker quickly left the bar. And the went out for a walk, forgeting about the dead acholic. Suddenly the smoker saw a weed and the ground and decided to bend over to pick it up.
The gay man, who was behind the smoker, said, "If you bend over and pick up that weed, we both are going to die!"
Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Posts: 1594 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: “Could you please pass the butter.” But instead I said: “You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life”.”
Posts: 1594 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by Flaming Toad on a Stick: Interesting
Does anyone speak German? I can't get it to translate into anything resembling real sentences.
A pirate walks into a bar. He has a ship's steering wheel down the front of his pants. The barkeep says, "Do you realize you've got a ship's steering wheel in your pants? That must be uncomfortable."
posted
One of the friends in my debate/speech class did a DI (Dramatic Interpretation Speech) of "The Funniest Joke in the World". It was hilarious .
(And by the way, MC, it isn't actually German. Or, really, it is a bunch of random words of German mixed with words that just sound sort of German. It truly is nonsense. But funny nonsense.)
Posts: 973 | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by I Am The War Chief: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't tell me that's true --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought it was, but it turns out just to be a rumor. ________________________________________________
This link says they still spent 2 million on this fandangled pen
The snopes article for this is a bit better. Essentially, pencils aren't very well suited for space. Small pieces of pencil lead can potentially get into equipment and cause it to malfunction.
Posts: 2437 | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
ok... a man just moved into a new town and went to find the local pub. He finally found it, entered and made his way towards the bar. He asked nicely for three seperate pints of beer, the bar tender complied with an odd look on his face, but buisness was buisness. So the man made it a point and did this ritual every day, and he became more friendly and known with the people after every visit. Then one day his new friends asked "hey connor, why do you get three pints every day". "Well you see, it was a tradition for me an my two brothers every day to get a pint and drink it with eachother, they still live in ireland" so the mans oddity became something of respect until one day... connor only ordered 2 pints of beer and everyone in the bar came up and were saying how sorry they were for his brothers death. Connor just looked at everyone and said "oo no no, my brother didnt die, i just gave up drinking" pa doo cchhaaa
Posts: 262 | Registered: Jan 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin turns to the second and says, "Wow, sure is hot in here." The second muffin says, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Evil Laugh]](graemlins/evillaugh.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
![[Wall Bash]](graemlins/wallbash.gif)
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
I haven't heard that one, hilarious!
