He stares into the murky depths of his mug. "I'm the one who found it. Sea monsters; never believed in them. Never knew anyone who did. Sailors are supposed to be superstitious, but that's only because "Moby Dick" is required reading. It wasn't like that, though. It wasn't like any half-rotted carcass that's ever washed up on any shore on any beach ever. I wont go down there again. Not to that beach. Somethings can't be washed clean, even by the sea."
Paul looks away, again, guilty for having inspired these feelings in his young friend. He hadn't meant to be anyone's hero. "No. It was all ready dead when I found it. I could just see its last thoughts flickering away. I've never since seen so much fear. It didn't know where it was, why it was in so much pain. Only an intelligent creature can feel that much fear. The end must have been a blessing to it." He looks up and distorts his face into what he hopes is a reassuring smile, "Don't worry, kid, the dead can't hurt you. Not if you don't let them."
quote:
His chapped hands dwarf the mug, the center of his attention, *as if it had the power to warm his soul*.
Now it wouldn't stand out so much but your imagination and descriptive powers are so vivid. After having a picture painted in our head by the narration, I find it jarring being left on my own to come up with my own picture of what a phrase like "as if it had the power..." means, how it is supposed to alter the picture you've put in our heads.
I think it's easier to get away with this in first person narration, where we'd attribute this kind of vaguely poetic simile to the personality of the narrator. You might be able to get away with it if you are using third person indirect and have got the reader deep inside the POV character's head. I sometimes use a technique a bit like it where I'll have the third person narrator simply speak the POV character's internal dialog without tagging or attribution, even taking on a shade of the POV character's speech patterns.
But in third person omniscient, or third person limited when the reader is still cold, I think it works better to use sneaky word choices to emotionally color the picture. For example, rather than letting the reader's understanding supply the default verb "hold" to describe what Paul is doing with the cup, perhaps he's "caressing" it.
)
Sure, all sailors aren't necessarily superstitious cap'n, but I've never met one that didn't have a few sea stories. You know, the yarns that start out like this:"There I was..." if it's a tale of nautical derring-do, or "Seriously, this is no ****..." if it's one to send a chill up your spine.
Got anything of your own along along those lines? Ever heard any stories about things like that abomination on the beach that wasn't obviously a cager's yarn?