Tiergan - #16 with a landslide victorious 33 points!

Here's a snapshot of the top 10:

#16 = 33 pts
#21 = 16 pts
#31 = 12 pts
#27 = 12 pts
#25 = 11 pts
#19 = 11 pts
#22 = 10 pts
#2b = 9 pts
#32 = 9 pts
#07 = 8 pts

I'd like to thank everyone for playing. Hopefully this was a helpful and fun exercise.

See you all at the next challenge!

Axe

[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited March 12, 2011).]
 

Four thousand years after everyone on Earth is killed, one man is resurrected to be studied, but instead he seeks revenge by resurrecting more humans, allying with a powerful alien race, then taking the fight to the enemy.

 

An unordained rabbi and mystic seeks to solve a series of occult murders and stop a demon from animating a golem composed from the remains of the dead.

[This message has been edited by History (edited February 28, 2011).]
 

A succubus with no name and a blind Jewish tailor with no future find love--and thereby make a name and a future for themselves.
 

Reego is very old and very rich, and through the secret process of Essence Transfer - he wants to steal his granddaughter's body.

[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited March 01, 2011).]
 

Ricky DeGausse is a New Oleans detective that spends his nights looking for his missing wife amid the city's seedy underside, finding an ancient evil instead.

[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited March 01, 2011).]
 

To keep the world from being dominated by gods who would enslave all men, six mages fight another group of six mages, however all twelve mages will ultimately question whose gods are right and who are wrong.
 

With the help of his symbiote Sea Otter, Bing Salvatore must stop an entire underwater society--led by a corrupt tyrant--from destroying itself with the overuse and corruption of magic as his own society had done years before.

[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited March 01, 2011).]
 

Entry 7#: He is the warrior; she is the dangerous one; he gave his life to save hers; she would risk all Life to bring him back.

[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited March 10, 2011).]
 

When Merlin's final prophesy comes true and brings him back to life, he vows revenge on the sister who killed him dragging a young, inexperienced descendant along and causing destruction across Britain.

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[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited March 01, 2011).]
 

Plant Girl: Even if your creation was an evil act, it doesn't mean you have to be.

Dogs: People change a lot over the years.

The Danger of Going Native: Your boss might not have your best interests at heart.

The Laminants: Keep your humanity, no matter what happens to you.

A Raft: It's the idea that's important.
 

[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited March 08, 2011).]
 

A young woman warrior struggling with the berserker curse in her blood and a young prince whose gullibility put him on the wrong side of the walls at the beginning of a siege are the only hope to save a kingdom.
 

[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited March 04, 2011).]
 

Even Los Angeles may not be a big enough hiding place when a half-werewolf and a dragon unite to protect an innocent woman from a murderer.
 

Entry #13

An archeologist discovers that there have been many highly technological civilizations in the past that have been destroyed, while a secret Cabal carries knowledge forward to their benefit.

[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited March 02, 2011).]
 

Jonathon expected to be the savior of civilization, but actually his well intentioned acts led to the deaths of all he loved and when he ultimately saved civilization, his successes were like ashes in his mouth.

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 02, 2011).]
 

A deep-sea fish encounters a maelstrom of plastic trash that gives her extreme melding abilities but she thinks it's a god who is sending her on a mission to unite all the fish of the sea.

[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited March 02, 2011).]
 

An aging knight has lost his faith and the only one who can restore it, is the young girl he is bound by magic to kill.

[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited March 03, 2011).]
 

In a future where cancer has been tamed, even domesticated, Rachel finds it can still have some heart-rending effects.
 

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Entry #19

In a covert U.S. program, teenager Darren O'Doyle battles with his teammates for an unexpected objective: control of his mind.
 

Although prominent military and religious leaders regard him as a blessing, the boy transported to their world by the gods could undermine many of their most cherished beliefs.
 

A descendant of space aliens living in rural Pennsylvania must leave behind the young woman he loves to return to his ancestral planet for the defense of humanity.
 

While interning at a NYC precinct, psychology student Lisa Abernathy finds herself embroiled in a serial murder case in which one of her patients might be the killer.

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[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited March 04, 2011).]
 

Prince Rillion has found a way to convert Earth's resources into the energy necessary to perform magic on Terra, and the task of saving Earth falls on the shoulders of six teenagers with problems of their own.
 

Baseball icon and war hero Ted Williams awakens from death 200 years into the future to discover two college boys, who hope to get reacquainted with the lost activity of sex, have reattached his head to a young and sexy female body, and finds himself in the middle of a fascist madmans plot to take over a sleeping and lethargic society.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 04, 2011).]
 

On a parallel Earth, where dinosaurs in North America alone survived the cretaceous extinction, a raptor-riding loner, named Wild Bill Hickok, mentors a young orphan while helping to tame the western frontier, otherwise known as dinosaur country.
 

-A world exists, accessed through the veiled happenings of all mankind's dreams, and an ambitious young dream-weaver and his squad must defeat the men and monsters on both sides of the veil if Earth is to survive.

[This message has been edited by kevenwall (edited March 05, 2011).]
 

Entry #27

In the near future, a seasoned cop becomes a fugitive while trying to protect a female scientist from a secret government organization bent on covering up her and her slowly maddening partner’s discovery, a cure for aging.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited March 06, 2011).]
 

Entry #28

In an alternate universe, The Beatles gain superpowers through a freak accident and are worshipped as gods, but seeking freedom from the imposed socialism, a group of scientists clone a recently deceased Elvis Presley and give him genetic enhancements with hopes of defeating the Fab Four.
 

A disguied prince can avert war with an undersea kingdom by replacing a deranged queen with a reclutant princess, but doing so will betray his country and people he loves.

[This message has been edited by RoxyL (edited March 05, 2011).]
 

Civil war rages between the One Church, protected by the king, and the Elemental Gods who have selected a new champion.
 

Entry #31

An exploratory spacecraft discovers a 500 year old ship that shouldn't be this far from earth, with an occupant who should have died centuries ago.

[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited March 06, 2011).]
 

After living complete lives, a primary school class find themselves back in 1975, inhabiting their eight year old bodies again, and decide to change the world, and their own futures, for the better.
 

A stagnating police offer is searching for Jesus, who has been kidnapped by German militants bent on taking over the world using mind controlling beer (which doesn't work) and entertainment while the 24 hour a day reality TV show that secretly captures their every move has the entire country riveted.

 

[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited March 08, 2011).]
 

Second: #16

Third: #9

Since #9 has been removed:

Third : #2

Would have been #7, but it violated the contest rule of only a single sentence.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited March 08, 2011).]
 

quote:

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A lot of stuff happens to a bunch of characters that is too complicated and intricate to describe in a single sentence.

---

Sorry, snapper, it probably deserved my number 1 vote, but it didn't get it. Instead I chose:

1: #32
2. #10
3. #25

It was hard to pick. I narrowed it down to about 10, and then it was just a matter of which stories really sounded interesting to me. I'd hoped to do a short synopsis, but there are just too many.

Instead, this is what I noticed:
I liked sentences that mentioned connections between people.

I liked getting descriptions of people's characteristics more than about events. i.e. "the young prince's gullibility" made me more interested in reading than telling me what he'd done would have. So perhaps this is a case when telling is better than showing?

We can't always do this, but being able to connect our story to another story--like with Merlin, Bill Hickock or Cinderella--paints a picture using hardly any words.

 

Tough decision. I tended to favor the pithy almost poetical entries. Sentences that seemed to try to say too much (my own included) were comparatively lacking.

I like the ones I could imagine being said by that deep-voiced narrator for movie trailers.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob
 

Here was my list that I narrowed my decision down to: 7, 13, 16, 19, 21, and 31.

All of these were very intriguing, but I chose based on the ones I, personally, would be most interested to read.

First - #31
Second - #21
Third - #19
 

#1. Nice, I would definitely ask to see more on this one.
#2,2b. Fairly similar, not really into either, but #2 is closer.
#3 This one just creeped me out, maybe it’s because I’m a grandfather, but not my thing.
#5 Not my cup of tea.
#6 This one had some interest for me, I would like to see where it’s going.
#7 Interesting interplay here, but not enough to make me want to follow up.
#8 Also interesting, I would like to see more. I do have a lot of interest in the Arthur legend.
#9 This one looked like there was a bit of every fantasy story ever written in it.
#10 A little too much on the Fantasy side for me.
#12. Hmmm, A dragon “hiding” in LA. Again a little to much fantasy here for me.
#14. This one may have some interest, but the gist of the story was lost in the poetic language, so I couldn’t really tell.
#15. Nemo meets the Favad. You younger guy and gals will have to have your parents explain the Favad to you.
#16. This one is proof that even an interesting premise can cause one to read a genre your not particularly interested in. I would like to read more.
#17. I feel I should vote for this one just because, but I won’t.
#18. This one sounds interesting, I would like to see where it leads.
#19. Also another interesting premise.
#20. Not generally enamored with religious overtones, but this one has promise.
#21. This one I really liked.
#22. This one is also good, more of a straight mystery as written, but interesting.
#23. This one could be good for a younger audience.
#24. I will recuse myself from this one because I’ve read the whole story, but it’s really good.
#25. This one’s a little bit too much of a reach for me.
#26. Not my cup of tea.
#27. I liked this one. Bit of a familiar ring to it, but I would ask for more.
#28. OK, while the music references from my era is interesting, not enough for me to follow through a whole story.
#29. A bit too much fantasy for me.
#30. Here’s a case where the religious overtones stopped me from wanting more.
#32. Interesting premise here. Would like to see more.
#33. A bit too cutesy for me.

If Pressed to grade them my order would be.
1. #21
2. #22
3. #8
4. #1

[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited March 07, 2011).]
 

1) #25
2) #16
3) #22
 

1st Place: # 15

This really intrigued me. “Extreme melding abilities” give the impression of mind-melds that schools of fish seem to have (some recent research has suggested that they make better decisions as a group than as individuals). This is a big idea, with plenty of room for comedy and/or exploration of both environment and ideas, whichever direction you choose to take it. Whilst “Finding Nemo” is out there, it has probably only primed people for the rise and rise of the “fish story” genre.

2nd Place: # 21

Although the defense of humanity has been done many times before, I am a sucker for it, and this has a twist that offers plenty of room to play off conflicting affections.

3rd Place: # 25

Although the idea of dinosaurs surviving on a continent isn't all that unique (e.g. Harry Harrison's Eden series) this blends a famous character (both historic and fictional) and a second millieu (wild west) into the idea, making it quite intriguing.

Special mentions include 1, 8, 10, and 31

As for entry 17, do we really want another Robert Jordan?

Meanwhile - here's the beef.

#1. Mine. This novel is complete.
#2. I've read a bit of this already. It's good stuff thus far.
#2b or not to be. I hope this is a humorous tale.
#3. Read this. Liked it.
#4. I keep seeing Ricky Gervais. I like the premise. Hopefully no vamps.
#5. Love the idea of keeping Gods from dominating the world. Then to have them pitted against each other makes the last line of defense seem pretty fragile. Lots of room for good conflict here.
#6. Dub D, this sounds familiar. Is it a story I read?
#7. Martin, you and your four sentences. I like them tho.
#8. Mine. This novel is complete.
#9. Blatt
#10. Nice. Sounds like a love story to me. (I mean that in a good way)
#11. Shimmy, you had my #1 vote. I'm bummed you deleted.
#12. This had serious build up until the last word. Mad fantasy elements, then plain murderer. I was a little let down.
#13. I love past civilization stuff. "The White Mountains" "Shannara" (need more input)
#14. This has a conclusion in the sentence. It should retain some mystery to give a hook to the listener.
#15. Read this. It received an HM. Go Genevive.
#16. That's a lot of conflict, inner and outer, in one tiny sentence. Good job.
#17. Oh Snap!
#18. Remove the word tamed. Domesticated is very intriguing on its own. I need a specific example of what it means to the MC.
#19. I want a specific on the program. Is it a video game? Guns? VR?
#20. I don't like the word transported. I think undermine needs to be stronger. Maybe "destroy" or something that needs to be fought against. He's there to break them, not bend them.
#21. Nail. Head. Hit.
#22. Mine. This is my current WIP.
#23. The word Terra threw me. Also, I didn't see the conflict between the set up portion of the sentence and the hook. There's magic, okay, not sure how that threatens earth. Are the teenagers friends? Strangers? I mention that because strangers sounds stronger than problems. All teens have problems, (as do all people for that matter.) what I want to know is what they are.
#24. must... not... like... insane... idea... Crap. I give up, It's awesome.
#25. The very wild west. I dig.
#26. Very well written sentence. Good premise. High stakes.
#27. This sounds like it would make a great movie. Lots of action.
#28. If you've written this, I want to see it!
#29. I can't put my finger on it, but this was tough to wrap my mind around. It might be the second word. I don't know what you're trying to say.
#30. Sounds like an epic story. I want to know more about the new champion.
#31. I like. The word "this" doesn't belong and occupant needs an adjective.
#32. Hmm. Nice concept. I'm hoping for some conflict between the classmates tho. Right now it seems they all want the same thing.
#33. Mine. This screenplay is complete. It's a spoof on the cop movie genre.

The stories I most want to read (that I haven't already,), in order:

#13
#28
#26

Axe
 

Voting
First: # 7
Second: # 1
Third: #19
Fourth: # 10

Overall, I'd say that the ones I liked best were the ones that were specific and presented a clear conflict.

 

So sue me.

[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited March 08, 2011).]
 

quote:

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I see some people saying my post isn't good because it has multiple sentences. I tried putting my sentences together but all the whiles, ands and buts just messed it up. I think the point here is to make it short enough to be pitched in a few seconds and it has to sound simple enough to be spoken out loud.
So sue me.

---

Martin. I said I like yours. If you ever get the chance to make an elevator pitch, I don't think the rule about one sentence is going to matter one bit.

It's just that it was the rule for this challenge. Sorry.
 

[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited March 08, 2011).]
 

And no, I'm not worth suing right now. Maybe in a few years when I actually publish something.
 

Perhaps my choice for 3rd is unfair, but it really does look like fun.

1st: #27
2nd: #32
3rd: #28

Honorable Mention: #7 for standing on the line between tagline and logline.
 

In my eveluating role, I was looking for originality in the content, simplicity in the structure and revealing enough info to create a picture. After all, this is what this contest is all about.

# 1: sounds like Battlefield Earth in a morbid way. A bit long-winded.
# 2: interesting, I would read more. Simple enough.
# 2b: weird. Just weird. The 'no name' thing is a bit of a turn off. Simply written.
# 3: interesting though I can't say it's new. Would read more.
# 4: interesting premise but sounding like a movie.
# 5: sounds like you're struggling to make it a one sentence pitch. It's a bit flat.
# 6: I imagine it as a Disney cartoon. But intrigued.
# 7: /
# 8: Merlin. Could be interesting though I've seen plenty of Merlin movies.
# 9: Plant girl: insteresting though not much information. Others do not interest me.
# 10: berskers are always interesting. At least I can't think of a movie that sounds familiar. It does sound as if you struggled to make it a one-sentence pitch (but didn't we all?)
# 11: /
# 12: doesn't convince me. Werewolf and dragon? Sounds like you're desperately trying to create a mix.
# 13: I'm always intrigued by stuff like that. You would need to create very compelling storyline and characters or I would lose interest quickly.
# 14: intriguing though I would like more information on what is actually happening. A bit long-winded.
# 15: cracked me up. Also well written.
# 16: knights are not my thing but I like the irony.
# 17: vague. Funny but useless for arousing curiosity.
# 18: too vague. Cancer domesticated? That's the only piece of information you give me.
# 19: might be interesting. Well written.
# 20: sounds like it has been done before. Well written.
# 21: sounds like superman redone.
# 22: doesn't stand out but then I'm not big on detective murder stories.
# 23: not interested. Simply written, though.
# 24: funny and weird yet too long for a single sentence. Too much chance of messing up the words, ergo losing your listener's interest.
# 25: Jurrasic Park fan? And why just North America?
# 26: dreams are ok, but squad that defeats monsters sounds cliche. Ghost Busters?
# 27: plot doesn't interest me. Too many adjectives, it exhausts me.
# 28: not a fan of Beatles.
# 29: fairytale. Simply written.
# 30: no plot, just setting.
# 31: done before but insteresting. Simple enough. Favourite
# 32: doesn't interest me. Long-winded.
# 33: might be a good parody. The pitch itself is long-winded.

Best five:

1st place: 16. The simplest pitch I've seen with no conjunctions. Even the single comma is unnecessary. It reveals enough of the story and the setting.
2nd place: 3. Simply written though I can only imagine this as a short story. Interesting story.
3rd place: 31. The pitch is elegant (only one 'that'). Shows enough, creates an effect of mystery.

*4th place: 20. Simple (only one 'although'). Gives me the general picture, offers interesting development.

*5th place: 2. Simple, without any conjuctions. The only problem is that there are too many names to remember: rabbi, mystic, demon, golem. In the end it's a bit confusing.
 

quote:

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Like plot and character...

---

What else is there in a story?
 

.

[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited March 12, 2011).]
 

My name for your story was - "Ex-.45 Callibur"
 

First place: #19 - it was easy to read, and catchy. the last part about the, fighting for his mind. Good stuff.
Second place: #2b - ditto first place, but 2 such different characters finding love, good.
Third place: #29 - I read this one when it first came out, and loved it, BUT, I think it has been edited since then(edited before the voting so no worries there, I just think RoxyL that the first version flowed better. Really liked it)
 

Will try and complete my crit but man does my job have me busy!
 

Axe
 

It was most excellently done.
 

I didn't think any were bad, but some were definitely better than others. Some not mentioned by me sounded cliche-ish or not at all concise.

My favorite though was Dr. Bob's.

axeminister had a one and a half good ones. His first one had a good beginning but the second half was cliche-ish and made it not concise. His #22 was better.

I also liked Mededith's #12

And Tiegan's

All sounded "to the point" and didn't use over used phrases.

And I must say that pdblake's first one was concise and got to the point very quickly.

It was a fun challenge. Axeminister I will get you my first 50 pages sometime today. Thanks so much for having this challenge and the great prize. I can always use another pair of eyes.