Title:Rock, Paper, Lasers
Eddie wiped the beads of sweat from his brow with the sleeve of his shirt and maneuvered the magnifying lens into place. With a steady hand, he soldered the leads of the AC mains unto the digital interface circuit board, then sat back in his chair. "That should do it," he said to himself.
"Thank You, Eddie." A synthesized voice crackled from a tiny speaker. He nearly fell out of his seat.
He stared at the strange unit he had found and repaired.
"And how did you know my name?" he said.
"You talk to yourself. Thank you for repairing me. It is essential that I be restored to full functioning capacity."
Eddie was at a loss for words--too afraid to ask why. "Do...You have a name?"
Title: The Elephoid Graveyard
Eddie Busco sat on the highest pile of scrap with the pulse rifle under his arm. The stars overhead shone bright, but he recognised none of them--he was too far from his home.
There was a clink of metal from a pile of scrap to his left. Eddie armed the rifle with a flick of his thumb and raised it to his shoulder. He waited. The minutes ticked past.
“Goddam scrappies,” he muttered. Always happened when you had a pile of junk this big—life that is. Tiny replicators, smaller than the eye could see would start it off. They fused together and began growing bigger, incorporating other junk. They didn't believe him in town—said he was mad, but he’d seen starships die from the infection. Of course, junkyards never died.
Then he saw it—a big one--sh*t. He swung the rifle round and
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 14, 2008).]
Title: A Second Chance at War
In the twenty-odd years since he landed on this backwater recycling planet, Eddie Busco forgot about the war with the Sedonian Republic. So he wondered why it--and those bastard Sedonians--would pop into his head now. He didn't fancy himself the flashback type. He shook it off and soldered the last connection on Arale's neck, wondering again if it was smart to give this mysterious machine a body.
"Smart ain't always right," he said to himself. Then he flipped the toggle and stood back as the hydraulic limbs jerked and hissed into the semblance of a humanoid robot.
"Wake up sweetheart, got yourself a body now," he said softly.
Her voice unit crackled. "Probe six-four-three-nine... code sigma, please advise," she replied, in perfect Sedonian.
Title: Wherever I may find her
Arale knew she didn’t have much time. Eddie would be back soon and would discover that she was more than she had appeared. She had repaired what she could of the damage to her communications net, but now needed to re-route systems to complete the connections. The connections that would bring Eddie’s enemies.
Arale. He named me. She wondered why Eddie had bothered. That thought had pulled at her, distracted and slowed her. What did he want? Why? She shrugged off the intruding thought and focused on the last few connections.
“Unidentified transmission received” The small speaker crackled “ This is a military frequency, state your business”.
Title: Maybe Today
"I have to kill her. Today.", I thought as I woke. I’d thought this every morning since I found out about her. I hadn't managed to kill her yet.
I couldn't kill Arale anyway. She was a machine, a Sedonian spy probe, wearing a girl suit. She couldn't die, but she could be deactivated. I could deactivate a machine. I would... today... maybe tomorrow. No, definitely, I would do it today.
I left my bedroom and walked into my cabin. She was there, watching me. She wasn't beautiful, but the look she gave me said she loved me, or maybe that was just my own love reflected in her gaze. I would kill her today. I had to.
Some software switch in her core flipped, and she smiled at me. I was screwed. I'd have to kill her tomorrow.
Title: Hello, She Lied.
There was bull semen everywhere! That was if she were to believe the Chinese characters on the cylindrical container. "Earth!" she thought not for the first or last time. Looking down the hallway of the curving windowless storage facility, she pondered how many real violations there were , yet this was sadly the case.
She examined the rupture until distracted by noticing her partner looked like he was standing on the ceiling. Forcing her attention back to the hole with jagged edges jutting outward, she noticed all the things she was supposed to notice and one maybe she wasn't.
She smiled at the trouble it would cause and produced a cigar or what her partner called one of those awful affectations. What did he know? That question made her chuckle.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 17, 2008).]
Competition now open for voting. Everyone can vote on the hookiest even if you didn't participate. If you decide to critique (and you entered) in order to maintain the anonymous status of all entries it is probably best to crit your own--but don't vote for yourself.
So, 1st, 2nd, 3rd and Best title.
Critiques
Rock, Paper, Lasers - Your dialogue is nicely written. That said, it didn't hook me like I wanted it to. There was something disconnective about it.
The Elephoid Graveyard - Sounds like a combat scene for Wall-e. In the third paragraph, some of the prose needs editing. "Always happened when you had a pile of junk this big—life that is" for example. I don't understand what "life that is" means. Is there a missing comma? There are a few places where it feels like there are missing commas.
A Second Chance at War - I love the title. I like Eddie's dialogue. The sentence "Then he flipped the toggle and stood back as the hydraulic limbs jerked and hissed into the semblance of a humanoid robot." seems a little odd. Maybe it's the word semblence. The thing would have human "semblance" regardless of movement. Dunno.
Wherever I may find her - It's OK, but I wouldn't keep reading. I don't buy that there's an undiscovered enemy post close enough to transmit as soon as she completes the connection.
The Voice in the Box - Good dialogue. The informality of it is nicely done. I think you need to settle on "Eddie" or "Ed." It also seems like you forget the helmet. You say that he "clamped his palms to his ears" and that "A hand yanked his head back. Dandler pointed his weapon at Ed’s head." When a hole "hollowed out his chest", you should use "Dandler" in place of "his" since this is combat.
Maybe Today - I like that it's in first person. The opening has iffy punctuation.
Hello, She Lied - Um, is this the same synopsis the others followed? The first line is especially offputting, and I honestly cannot see that this relates to the task at hand. Regardless, though, I can't get past the first sentence.
[This message has been edited by tommose (edited July 18, 2008).]
#1 Rock, Paper, Lasers
I like this one! The only issue I had was the two tones of language used in this line:
“"You talk to yourself. Thank you for repairing me. It is essential that I be restored to full functioning capacity."”
The first two sentences are familiar and chatty the last is robtic-oid. I was really getting into this one and then I wobbled a bit. Even then, you had me and I would keep reading.
#2 Elephoid Graveyard
This one leads me to believe that as I read on there will be more shooting and swashbuckling. I think it is the pulse rifle in the first sentence. If that’s what you were going for, you are there. I am not a fan of the swash&shoot, so you would lose me.
#3 A Second Chance at War
(ooooh, like the title!)
OK, you got me. I like this, too. I am having trouble choosing between #3 and #1 for my favorites.
#4 Wherever I may find her
Good try, but not enough telling.
#5 The Voice in the Box
I have a hard time connecting to characters when I meet them in the middle of a battle without any other context. I guess it can be done. I am sure it is difficult. There is just too much going on.
#6 Maybe Today
Great Start, you had me in the first line. The last line left me a little confused,I hadn’t connected with Eddie’s love of her as much as his desire to kill her.
#7 Hello, she lied.
I was not sure where this was going. Maybe my knowledge of the synopsis was hurting my interpretation.
First Pick #3 A second chance at War
a very close Second #1 Rock Paper Lasers
Third #6 Maybe Today
Best Title A second chance at War
[This message has been edited by LAJD (edited July 18, 2008).]
Entry 1 - Pretty good. A few unnnecessary "He saids", but nice writing.
Entry 2 - Lost me with "Life that is". Good visuals. I'm confused as to why he is visiting a junk yard. You insinuate that he is a visitor, but not why he is there. There is a hook, but the confusion kind of detracted from it for me.
Entry 3 - Good job. Nice hook for me. War with the Sedoinian Republic then the robot speaks in Sedonian...
Entry 4 - Like this one. Had a problem with the overuse of "had". It doesn't seem necessary. Would read smoother if you removed them. Great hook.
Entry 5 - Great visuals. Great hook but would be wondering if the action lessens when he wakes. Nice writing.
Entry 6 - This is my favorite. I don't normally like first person, but being in this guy's head worked for me. Nice touch of humor along with the tension.
Entry 7 - Confusing at several points. "yet this was sadly the case", What rupture?, "distracted by noticing her partner...ceiling". The writing and idea are there, it was just a struggle to read through some of the disjointed thoughts.
First place - #6 Maybe Today
Second place - #3 A Second Chance at War
Third place - #4 Wherever I May Find Her
TITLE - #3 A Second Chance at War
Entry: #2 - This one caught me off guard, but had a great feel. I loved “scrappies”. Good tension and action. The hook is that he’s in danger but I’m not sure I care about the character enough to keep reading.
Entry #3 - Hook is present, some good characterization. The first sentence reads a little long.
Entry #4 - I like that this is from a robots POV, its interesting. There’s a hook for sure. There is very little movement in this 13 lines, nothing happens until the last sentence, just thinking up until that point.
Entry # 5 - Cool opening scene, very cinematic. A hint of the “waking up” cliché. Not really a hook present that I can detect.
Entry # 6 - Been awhile since I’ve seen a 1st person in this competition; very brave. I like the internal monologue, I like the characterization. No real hook though, the story could end there just fine.
Entry #7 - This one is cryptic and in need of commas. I really struggle to see anything related to the synopsis here. Some proper names would also be good. Your first line is certainly an attention-grabber.
1st place: Entry #2 - Elephoid Graveyard
2nd place: Entry #4 - Wherever I may find her
3rd place: Entry #6 - Maybe Today
Best title: Entry # 5 - The Voice in the Box
Entry: #1 Rock, Paper, Lasers
This is good, but it feels a little generic. There’s nothing that really leaps out and grabs me.
Entry: #2 The Elephoid Graveyard
I like the idea of spontaneous life emerging from this garbage heap. I like it a lot. I wasn’t too keen on Eddie the character--he seemed a little generic.
Entry #3 A Second Chance at War
I like how Eddie is portrayed here. He’s rough, but he’s got a soft side to him, and he’s willing to take a risk for the sake of ethics. On the other hand, I felt the characterization to be a little clumsy in the beginning. The lead with him forgetting about the war but remembering it now for no apparent reason waved a flag for me. Why now? Why here? That he doesn’t know why isn’t enough to make up for what seems contrived and too convenient. This wouldn’t be enough to stop me reading, but I would need to be satisfied that there was a solid reason for him to remember this now. The title suggests to me that he’s going to redeem himself somehow.
Entry #4 Wherever I may find her
The characterization feels a little clumsy. The beginning paragraph held important context but was kind of an info dump. Hence the use of her name in the second paragraph really threw me, even though I get that she’s supposed to be thinking this. I suppose italics would help. I like the set up of the conflict here, though.
Entry 5 The Voice in the Box
Ack! A strong action scene, but I’m not ready for it. Obviously this is personal preference. So far I get that Eddie is frightened. A human reaction, but nothing really makes him stand out. I’d turn the page, but only just.
Entry 6 Maybe Today
I think this could be more compelling than it was. Him waking up with that thought didn’t do it for me. There’s a bit too much thought--I know, it’s in first person, but I think there needs to be more grounding. Where is she? She’s looking at him in a way that tells him she loves him, and yet she doesn’t smile? I dunno, I had a bit of trouble sort of getting grounded here.
Entry 7 Hello, She Lied
I like the title. I don’t really get what’s going on here, though. Why is there bull semen everywhere? Where is she? What violations is she talking about? I think this piece needs to establish a little more of the who what when where why for me to read on.
Best title: Entry #4 Wherever I may find her
No 1: Entry #3 A Second Chance at War
No 2: Entry #2 The Elephoid Graveyard
No 3: Entry #4 Wherever I may find her
Honorable mention: Entry 6 Maybe Today
(edited to fix error in voting)
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited July 18, 2008).]
Best Title A Second Chance at War
Nice prose, nicely done. A good way to start but it doesn’t have the hook.
Entry: #2 The Elephoid Graveyard
A cyborg exterminator? Interesting, made it hooky. I would cut this line…
he was too far from his home and splice these two lines so it read…
He waited, minutes ticked past. and cut the speech tag he muttered
aside from all my tweaking, I got to say I liked it. Kinda of hinted that Eddie is on the way to being an old coot.
Entry #3 A Second Chance at War
I liked the title. The second paragraph with the dialog I think is first rate. The first paragraph feels like an info-dump. I want to rework it.
Entry #4 Wherever I may find her
This read not like the first 13 lines but more like the opening to the second or third scene. I wouldn’t have known who Arale was, or that she wasn’t even human if it wasn’t for the synopsis.
Entry # 5 The Voice in the Box
Opening with a dream sequence??? It read a little odd to me. Changes are needed.
Entry # 6 Maybe Today
Interesting. Reminded me of a Twilight Zone episode. I must admit that it hooked me.
Entry #7 Hello, She Lied.
I don’t get the title. Should Hello be in quotes? The first line was funny but I am scratching my head at the rest. A confused android that is having a problem translating?
Okay, all the entries were well written. The prose’s are getting better. I am now making my choices based on well they hook alone. You guys sure do know how to write.
Best Title: Entry #3 A Second Chance at War
First: Entry: #2 The Elephoid Graveyard
Second: Entry # 6 Maybe Today
Third: Entry #3 A Second Chance at War
smooth clean prose, but this one seemed slow paced.
Entry: #2
Title: The Elephoid Graveyard
This was exciting but there seemed to be too much happening, leaving me a little overwhelmed and confused.
Entry #3
Title: A Second Chance at War
It never was clear to me exactly what was going on here.
Entry #4
Title: Wherever I may find her
This one appealed to me. It was well paced and I appreciated the viewpoint.
Entry # 5
Title: The Voice in the Box
I liked the action. I questioned the character when he "wanted Mamma" but this is good.
Entry # 6
Title: Maybe Today
This was great. Interesting generation of characterization.
Entry #7
Title: Hello, She Lied.
This didn't do much for me. The character was good, but I found my self longing for critacal elements of the scene.
First Pick
Entry # 6
Title: Maybe Today
Second Pick
Entry #4
Title: Wherever I may find her
Third Pick
Entry # 5
Title: The Voice in the Box
Title: Elephoid Graveyard
Don't make tme walk the plank....
2nd: Maybe Today (would have scored higher, but it read like a piece of micro-fiction, e.g it ended.)
3rd: A second Chance at War (and Title)
Results--Entry Number----Title---------------Author
4-------#1------Rock Paper Lasers-------Benttree
23------#2------Elephoid Graveyard------Skadder
33------#3------A second Chance at War--Allied Five
14------#4------Where ever I may Find Her-------LAJD
13------#5------The Voice in the Box----snapper
33------#6------Maybe Today-----tommose
0-------#7------Hell, She lied----Jericho
So:
1st equal: #3 A second Chance at War-Allied Five and #6 Maybe Today-tommose.
2nd: #2 Elephoid Graveyard-Skadder
3rd: #4 Where ever I may Find Her-LAJD
Title: #3 A second Chance at War--Allied Five
It seemed like some were surprised to see the story in the first person, including the comment that it was "brave." Why is that?
Tom
[This message has been edited by tommose (edited July 21, 2008).]
quote:
It seemed like some were surprised to see the story in the first person, including the comment that it was "brave." Why is that?
I think many think it taboo to write in the first because it is difficult to pull off, but yours was great. Keep it up.
Which reminds me--Scott, have you heard from postcards yet?
