Good Night to Old Frisco
Sam rifled through the notes scattered across his desk. Three days of scouring the city for the coal-eyed woman, with no leads. He gazed at the photo pinned on the wall. Where had he seen her before? She looked like his sorta gal; maybe they’d had a roll once, after a few drinks?
She might be dead by now—after all, Sam was a day past the deadline. His anonymous client might expect a refund. He would rather avoid that meeting until he had something to deliver. Time to see if the dame had turned up at the morgue.
A foghorn sounded over the bay. Sam carried his glass to the grimy window and watched a barge maneuver into its slip below. He tossed back the last of his scotch and reached for the phone.
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited May 29, 2008).]
Mission Accomplished
The blood-orange juice arrived at 1600 hours. I was guarding the Al-Rashid's chandeliers from the lobby bar. Actually, I was off duty, and hoped the incongruent crystal, clinking and swaying in time with the distant mortar fire, could hypnotize me into thinking I was drunk.
"From the gentleman." Ridwan had that look, the one my mother always wore when Eddie "Speed" Baxter showed up at our house on his Harley. Ridwan jerked his head toward an paunchy bald guy at the end of the bar, who took that as his cue.
He bounced toward me. "I'm John Meecham. Nice to meet you, Sergeant Patterson. I have a proposition for you."
"Not here. Ridwan will cut off your . . . hand."
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited May 29, 2008).]
The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
The scout’s hand shook as he pointed to the dune. “It lies on the other side, my Lord.”
Caliph Abu Bakr eyed the dune. The cool evening breeze plucked at his robes. Yes, let’s see. He began to walk up the hot sand.
“Caliph, you must not go—it could be a desert djinn.”
“Perhaps.” Abu Bakr turned to grin at the shivering guard. “If Allah wills it so--but Allah put it here, so I will look.”
As he crested the dune he gasped. Before him, half buried in molten, glowing sand, lay a vast metal structure. To one side lay a winged creature with a body like a man. It was totally covered in intricate armour and a single crystal was set in its helm. An angel--a dead one. Then it stirred.
“Quick,” Abu Bakr shouted, “It is messenger of Allah—bring the horses.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 29, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited May 30, 2008).]
Night Visions
Night after night, Ali al-Suwaji dreamed of a plain wooden box lying empty in an opulent room. This vision consumed both his waking and sleeping hours, making him short tempered and slow. Such an obsession could only come from Allah, and he puzzled in vain about its meaning.
He was relieved when the dream finally changed. Tonight, the box was shut and fastened with strong cords, and two old men entered the room and hefted the box between them. In the way of dreams, the splendid room suddenly vanished, and Ali found himself following the two men through a cold, dank passageway. The tunnel should have been shrouded in complete darkness, but instead a faint red glow emanated from the box, casting strange shadows, and grotesquely altering the faces of the two men carrying it.
Dreams of the Lion
Ali al-Suwaji cocked his AK47 and spared a glance over the ruins of Baghdad. Trash can fires dotted the dusk-lit landscape, and tire fires barreled black smoke up over the sands like a swaying forest. Ali al-Suwaji waved fro his men to follow him, as he wended down through the ruin. Machine guns rattled in the distance, as familiar as crickets and locusts to the Americans. This used to be a great city, he thought, and it would be again under the reign of Sayyid Muqtada al-Sadr--the chosen of Allah.
His mission, sent by Allah himself, was to find a great weapon. With this great weapon, the new Abu Ja'far Al-Mansur would drive infidels out of the great city, and it would become Madinat as-Salam once more.
Untitled
"Yes Sir" explained SSgt Patterson a third time. "Two blocks past checkpoint 'bravo', we found him hangin' naked in plain sight. They'd thrown his camera over the balcony and he was just danglin' there with the strap 'round his neck."
"And if he was dead?" replied the debriefing officer, Lt. Coffey with confusion, then who gave you the flash stick?"
"The what?"
"The camera memory card you turned in to your shift commander."
She gathered herself. "Oh, that. Well, after I called it in, this Lafta guy motioned me over- jabberin' a mile a minute about somethn' and handed it to me. I told Mo to figure out what the hell he was sayin' while I got the dead guy down before dark.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 29, 2008).]
Allah’s Children
The roof shook, dust drifted down, obscuring the President. Muqtada al-Sadr knew the American bombs were seeking the Iraqi leader. If they knew what he was after, they would use stronger ones to make sure they wouldn’t miss.
“You said you would have the Crystal of Abu Bakr for me,” Saddam Hussein said pounding the table. “I have relied on you. I would have thought twice about defying the Great Satan if I didn’t trust you.”
“I am close, Mr President. Not even the massive might of the Americans can hope to stand against Allah’s jewel. Once it is in our grasp, the Twin Towers falling will seem like child’s play. We will lay waste to entire cities, not just isolated buildings.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 29, 2008).]
Skadder is about to say something that just doesn't make sense...
[This message has been edited by illiterate (edited May 29, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 29, 2008).]
quote:
Sam rifled through the notes scattered across his desk. Three days of scouring the city[What city?] for the coal-eyed woman, with no leads. He gazed at the photo pinned on the wall. Where had he seen her before? She looked like his sorta gal; maybe they’d had a roll once, after a few drinks?She might be dead by now—after all, Sam was a day past the deadline[Whose deadline? Deadline for what?]. His anonymous client might expect a refund. He would rather avoid that meeting until he had something to deliver[What's he supposed to deliver?]. Time to see if the dame had turned up at the morgue.
A foghorn sounded over the bay. Sam carried his glass to the grimy window [Home? Office? Bombed-out husk?] and watched a barge maneuver into its slip below. He tossed back the last of his scotch and reached for the phone.
Not bad, a few point need clarification. Until I got to the word "dame" I wasn't sure which synopsis this was for? (As all married men know, Dames can be awesome weapons.)
Entry 2 Mission Accomplished:
quote:
The blood-orange juice arrived at 1600 hours.[Huh?] I was guarding the Al-Rashid's chandeliers from the lobby bar.[Huh? Actually, I was off duty, and hoped the incongruent crystal, clinking and swaying in time with the distant mortar fire, could hypnotize me into thinking I was drunk.[If this was an attempt at establishing an untrustworthy narrator, it succeeded--maybe too well.]"From the gentleman."[Eh?] Ridwan[Who?] had that look, the one my mother always wore when Eddie "Speed" Baxter showed up at our house on his Harley.<--[Nice, but I think this is too early in the story.] Ridwan jerked his head toward an paunchy bald guy at the end of the bar, who took that as his cue.[PoV?]
He bounced toward me.[Eh?] "I'm John Meecham. Nice to meet you, Sergeant Patterson. I have a proposition for you."
"Not here. Ridwan will cut off your . . . hand."[This is strange, and makes this snippet even more disjointed.]
This is one line short (by my box). This is so disjointed that I had to read it twice to know what was going on. Perhaps the 1st person narrative could be used more clearly in the first line: At 1600 hours, I ducked into the bar at the Al-Rashid's on a quest to obliterate my liver and escape the heat and all-cosuming sands. Ridwan, the bar tender, slid a blood-orange juice in front of me, and nodded at a paunchy, balding guy warming a bar stool at the opposite end. His sky-blue suit jacket and sweat-stained pinpoint oxford screamed reporter, so I knew booze would offer no escape, today. <--[Sorry, got carried away.] I guess I see possibilities for the voice, but with this beginning, it feels more novel-beginning than short story (which wasn't a strict rule).
Entry 3 Wrathful Gaze of Allah:
quote:
The scout’s hand shook as he pointed to the dune. “It[What?] lies on the other side, my Lord.”Caliph Abu Bakr eyed the dune. The cool evening breeze plucked at his robes. Yes, let’s see. He began to walk up the hot sand.<--[Wierd phrasing.]
“Caliph, you must not go—it could be a desert djinn.”
“Perhaps.” Abu Bakr turned to grin at the shivering guard. “If Allah wills it so--but Allah put it here, so I will look.”
As he crested the dune[,] he gasped. Before him, half buried in [molten,<--IMHO - Choose one.-->glowing] sand, lay a vast metal structure. To one side lay a winged creature with a body like a man.[But it's a creature, right?] It was totally covered in intricate armour [and<--should be a comma and "with".] a single crystal was set in its helm. [An angel--a dead one. Then it stirred.<--Eh? Is it live? Dead? An angel? A creature?]
“Quick,” Abu Bakr shouted, “It is messenger of Allah—bring the horses.”
Cleaned up, this could be an interesting story, however, it seems to be working in a completely opposite way from the direction of the synopsis.
Entry 4 Night Visions:
quote:
Night after night, Ali al-Suwaji dreamed of a plain wooden box lying empty in an opulent room. This vision consumed both his waking and sleeping hours, making him short tempered and slow. Such an obsession could only come from Allah, and he puzzled in vain about its meaning.<--[So distant, it's telling.]He was relieved when the dream finally changed.[Starting with a dream here is not only cliche, it's redundant. It disallows us to attach with the where, what and when.] Tonight, the box was shut and fastened with strong cords, and two old men entered the room and hefted the box between them. In the way of dreams, the splendid room suddenly vanished, and Ali found himself following the two men through a cold, dank passageway. The tunnel should have been shrouded in complete darkness, but instead a faint red glow emanated from the box, casting strange shadows, and grotesquely altering the faces of the two men
Though the description is nice, I feel it's irrelevant because I know it's a dream. I don't feel anything for him (or from him), and, though I feel that a bit more characterization could hook me, I feel the setting and approach are intended to distract me from intentionally withholding.
Entry 5 Dreams of the Lion:
quote:
Ali al-Suwaji cocked his AK47 and spared a glance over the ruins of Baghdad. Trash can fires dotted the dusk-lit landscape, and tire fires barreled black smoke up over the sands like a swaying forest. Ali al-Suwaji waved [fro<--[for?] his men to follow him[,<--Don't need.] as he wended down through the ruin. Machine guns rattled in the distance, as familiar as crickets and locusts to the Americans. This used to be a great city, he thought, and it would be again under the reign of Sayyid Muqtada al-Sadr--the chosen of Allah.
His[Sayyid Muqtada al-Sadr's? or Ali al-Suwaji's?] mission, sent by Allah himself, was to find a [great weapon<--[What weapon?]. With this great weapon, the new Abu Ja'far Al-Mansur[Who?] would drive infidels out of the great city, and it would become Madinat as-Salam once more.
It's setting and time-period are pretty clear, but there are a lt of names. Granted, with a little research those names would be familiar, but are unclear to one unread.
Entry 6 Untitled
quote:
Yes Sir" explained SSgt Patterson a third time. "Two blocks past checkpoint 'bravo', we found him[Who?] hangin' naked in plain sight. They'd[Who?] thrown his camera over the balcony and he was just danglin' there with the strap 'round his neck.""And if he was dead?" [Odd question (not a reply from what I can tell). Is there a question to whether "he's" dead or not? There is now, for me.] replied the debriefing officer, Lt. Coffey [with confusion<--[PoV?], ["][T]hen who gave you the flash stick?"
"The what?"[Again, strange response. Why would the term be unfamiliar, if her debriefing officer used it. Also, at this point, the pnly reason I know Patterson is a woman is because I read the synopsis.]
"The camera memory card you turned in to your shift commander."
She gathered herself. "Oh, that. Well, after I called it in, this Lafta guy motioned me over- jabberin' a mile a minute about somethn'[either an end em dash belongs here, or this part should be framed in commas.] and handed it to me. I told Mo[Who?] to figure out what the hell he was sayin' while I got the dead guy down before dark.
"Why" she said curiosly "what's on it?"<--[Why is this separate from the previous paragraph?]
Cluttered. I'm confused as to what's happening and why? Where are they? Who are they? Whose PoV? Lt. Coffey showed some feeling (confusion), SSgt. Patterson's only possible reaction is "gathering herself", which could be witnessed instead of felt.
Entry 7 Allah's Children:
quote:
The roof shook, dust drifted down, obscuring the President[What president?]. Muqtada al-Sadr knew the American bombs were seeking the Iraqi leader. If they knew what he was after, they would use stronger ones to make sure they wouldn’t miss.“You said you would have the Crystal of Abu Bakr for me,” Saddam Hussein[Eh? When did Saddam Hussein enter the synopsis? I must have missed that. Literally, this would be enough to stop me.] said[,] pounding the table. “I have relied on you. I would have thought twice about defying the [/i]Great Satan[/i]<--At this point, I would be sure it was inflamatory material I was reading, and dropped it like the proverbial "hot potato".] if I didn’t trust you.”
“I am close, Mr[.] President. Not even the massive might of the Americans can hope to stand against Allah’s jewel. Once it is in our grasp, the Twin Towers[Okay, now you are confusing Saddam Hussein and the Iraquies(?) with Osama Bin Laden--and the Taliban. Third strike.] falling will seem like child’s play. We will lay waste to entire cities, not just isolated buildings.”
Saddam’s eyes narrowed. “Well find it then. The devil’s son, Bush the lesser, is worried about weapons of mass destruction. I am eager to show him what mass destruction really means.”
All I will say about this (other than what I have) is, nobody respectable will publish this.
My Votes (unless others come in):
Title: Good Night to Old Frisco
#1 Hook: Entry #3 The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
#2 Hook: Entry #1 Good Night to Old Frisco
#3 Hook: Entry #4 Night Visions
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 29, 2008).]
1. Something about the '50's narration didn't fit for me. Keywords like "dame", "roll", and "gal", not to mention the setting seemed to be more of 'Frisco' rather than a Shiite/ Sunni war ground. To me, this completely ignored the very in-depth synopsis that Wolfe_Boy gave us, and left me wondering where this came from. I do like the last two sentences though.
2. I liked the character building on SSgt Patterson. I thought it opened the door to a very intriguing MC dialogue. I liked the attempt at delivering the hook through humor. Although the MC is getting very well developed and the ground work is laid for a good plot, I don't get any of the significance of the rest of the synopsis in these lines. I know, I know.... you can't deliver the entire story in the First 13, but I would like to see a hint of it. Loved the second sentence.
3. Ok, I wanted to read more, the second to last paragraph hooked me for sure. Was it truly a messenger? Was it supernatural? My only dislikes: 1- No characters relating to the synopsis, and 2- No story line directly relating to the synopsis- although I see a small window where it could be plugged in- but it's a stretch.
4. Not much to argue with this one- Thought it was very good. I liked the storyline, but wished someone had some dialogue in there somewhere. Loved the last line- Who was carrying it? Did Ali al-Suwaji know them, or would it set his search on finding those two men? Nice.
5. Didn't do much for me. I think for the most part, it just restated alot of what the synopsis already gave us. I actually liked the lines, and thought they would fit great in the story-- but this seemed much more of a "Second 13" than a "First 13".
6. Once I figured out where the grammar and punctuation mistakes were, this one was intriguing. Thought it was a good story line with good characters- but needs to run spellcheck, grammarcheck, and puncuationcheck before pressing send next time.
7. Ok. I know you had to do it, but it would have been SOOOO much better if you hadn't given it away, and by it- I mean the reference to "Bush the lesser". I like what was done with the story, the "Great Satan" and the "devil's son" implications. Thought it was an above average use of Wolfe_Boy's synopsis.
My votes- Ok, I have to give Wolfe_Boy an honorable mention, because I think his synopsis was so good it was hard to follow. I think with everything he presented- it was difficult to figure out where to start or end in this first 13. It was a world of endless possibilities. I'd almost motion to make his synopsis first place.
First - #4: Night Visions
Second - #2: Mission Accomplished
Third - #7: Allah's Children
Title - Night Visions
[This message has been edited
Entry #1 Good Night to Old Frisco
A PI story. I don’t see any speculative element as of yet. The story is engaging and reads like the old PI movies.
Entry #2 Mission Accomplished
Obviously, we have switched synopsis’s here. As with the first, I don’t see any speculative element as of yet. It was humorous; I hope that was the author’s intention. Guarding the chandeliers was funny. But as of now, I have a man wanting to get drunk.
Entry #3 The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
Yes! We have speculative element. Well done. Introduced the characters, set the scene, and bam planted the hook. – A dead angel – favorite so far.
Entry #4 Night Visions
Dream beginnings are cliché. It does have a speculative element. Introduces the MC I believe and the dream in itself is a hook, along with the box. Not bad.
Entry #5 Dreams of the Lion
At this point I can not wait to read the synopsis.
wended? I had no idea what this word was, assuming it was a typo. Other than that, had no true speculative element, but set the scene nicely. The hook would be the great weapon. A possible flaw there though, we the reader should know what the MC knows. So I would gather that he doesn’t know what the weapon is, as we don’t. ‘Tis hard to find something you don’t know what it is. But I forgive easy, so I would read on.
Entry #6 Untitled
Punctuation is off, missing quotes, and commas and POV. But that can be learned. Other than that, I liked it, felt like war. I believe the last hook was cut, about the photos. But the first paragraph hooked me from the get go.
Entry #7 Allah’s Children
When I first read this, I was turned off. I think it was President, Saddam Hussein, and such. But it grew on me, sort of. Speculative element yes, crystal, Saddam Hussein freed is this an alternative world synopsis? But for me, it was told through the “bad guy” POV and I wouldn’t want that. For me the first scene of a story lets me know who I want to feel for, usually. Here I can’t possibly root for these guys.
1st choice - Entry #3 The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
2nd Choice – Entry #5 Dreams of the Lion
3rd Choice - Entry #6 Untitled – would have been higher with a better line edit.
Best title - Entry #3 The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
Special vote for Entry #1 - I feel having only 1 written on that synopsis will be hard for the author.
Thanks to Wolfe_Boy for moderating, and doing 2 outlines. And Good job by all.
Best title: #1 Good Night to Old Frisco
#1 fav: entry 3
#2 fav: entry 6
#3 fav: entry 1
entry #1 Good Night
Interesting POV character, with a problem, and motives for his actions. Nicely written. Starts a little abruptly, with a lot of info packed into a few lines. I'd try the 3rd paragraph first, then maybe flashback some of the other info as he talks to the morgue people.
entry #3 Wrathful Gaze
Starts with action, --quiet, introductory sort of action--good. I like stories that start in a scene, like this one. Abu Bakr is intriguing; not the most sympathetic POV character you could have, but interesting enough to follow him for a while. The startling discovery, its potential danger, propels the piece forward.
entry #6 Untitled
A good scene, although it's taking place in a vacuum -- Patterson is well-characterized by her speech patterns, attitude, and actions. (the dialect with dropped letters is "not done" in some circles -- editors sometimes hate that.) The reader senses Patterson may be in some sort of trouble. This entry did very well with reader identification with the POV character.
Pick 1: Untitled. I had the benefit of reading the story before the cut--the last line was the hook.Shame there was no title. No entirely sure about the slang. I figure it'll be annoyin' after while. I also overlooked the lack of proof reading--check it before you send it.
Pick 2. Night Visions. Starts with a dream--but well written. I think some context could have been inserted--eating his breakfast or cleaning his AK--as he thought about his dreams.
Pick 3. Dreams of the Lion. A little dialogue would have improved this piece, and broken up the chunk of text. Just my opinion--I reckon I would have scored it higher if it had some.
Best Title: Dreams of The Lion
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 31, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 31, 2008).]
#1 Hook: The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
#2 Hook: Untitled
#3 Hook: Dreams of the Lion
--------
Mission Accomplished
The whole bit with the chandeliers confused me. It is not immediately clear who Ridwan is, and the reference to the mother and Eddie completely pulled me out of the moment. I prefer things a bit more straightforward. But, I would read a bit more to see how the exuberant (bouncy) John Meecham fits into this setting.
The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
I’m definitely hooked! An almost-dead angel; that’s not supposed to happen. I like the setting, dialogue and character introduction. Others have already pointed out the nits. An additional nit—the vast metal structure is a distraction. Either describe it more and then let him see the angel, or drop it. Also I don’t get a feeling for the distance involved—I didn’t expect him to need horses. The POV is not very deep yet, but I didn’t notice it right away.
Night Visions
Its tough to start with a dream sequence. I’d rather be more grounded in the waking world, in the character’s life, and in his reactions to the recurring dreams before stepping into his dream experience. Expand on “he puzzled in vain about its meaning” after establishing a setting and character. But I think in terms of novels, not short stories.
Dreams of the Lion
I very much liked the description of Baghdad, with the smoke and fires. He wouldn’t ”spare a glance”, he would gaze. It is a POV violation to talk about what is familiar to the Americans. The spare reference to his men and to the great weapon both feel insufficient; you could take time to expand on each one. Too many names. It has a lot of potential; I’d read on.
Untitled
I’d like to see where this is going, but there are problems. The punctuation in her dialogue starts out well to establish voice, but it quickly gets old. Word choices and far fewer such marks can be just as effective (as in Card’s Alvin Maker series). But I do like Patterson’s voice! Also I’d like to see something--right now we have floating voices, with no scenery and no bodies. The Lt. replying “with confusion” doesn’t work—show his expression, a gesture, etc. I think we are supposed to be in Patterson’s POV, but it hasn’t really been established yet. I can understand her confusion over the flash stick; that was not a problem for me.
Allah’s Children
I can’t get past the twists on very real and sensitive subjects. It is disrespectful, and I would not read on, based on the content. From a technical/craft standpoint, it seems like too much threat/info packed into a few lines--expand on the first paragraph, and later on, expand on the others, to stretch the tension and immerse the reader.
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Best Title: Dreams of the Lion
Pick 1: #6 Untitled
Pick 2: #2 Mission Accomplished
Pick 3: #1 Good Night To Old Frisco
Good job everyone. I'm a pretty tough sell on this type of story, so hooking me was an accomplishment!
First: The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
Second: Mission Accomplished
Third: Night Visions
Entry 1 Good night to old frisco
Decently written, but it just doesn't pull me in. The only hints of anything interesting are that the woman looked familiar and that she might be dead. Not quite enough to pull me in. Plus it's pretty cliche--Sam in a noir-ish detective story.
Entry 2 Mission Accomplished
Sorry, the title is pretty cliche. It's a little confusing to read. There are a lot of people introduced, and I'm not sure who is important. Also, i'm not sure of what the setting is supposed to be. I do like that this guy is being propositions, presumably for something nefarious.
Entry 3 The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
This one certainly would keep me reading. It feels a bit pushy with the religion.
Entry 4 Night Visions
Sorry. The dream in and of itself isn't very interesting.
Entry 5 Dreams of the Lion
The writing is fine, the set up is good, except that there's no speculative element and it hits just a bit too close to reality which, for this topic, would make it hard to read, unless I was sure the writer were going to put an interesting twist to it. I don't see that here.
Entry 6 Untitled
Not a big fan of the title. For these entries, I really think you do yourself a disservice by not thinking one up. Any title is better than non, IMO. Not pulled in here. They found a dead guy hanging... not enough to make me read on, especially given Patterson's somewhat flippant attitude.
Entry 7
Allah's Children
Again, not drawn in. I don't see a speculative element. The weapon they have could simply be a nuclear bomb.
Edited to add: Sorry, I must have missed the reference to the crystal. I think I was too distracted by the real elements in it... it just turns me off.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited May 31, 2008).]
You know, this was pretty good. Just the way to start a story from that synopsis. It is unfortunate that it was the only one done from that synopsis. It wasn’t all that gripping but I was hooked nevertheless.
Entry #2 Mission Accomplished
This is really well written. The prose is nice and I liked the dialog. I am not hooked though. A bar scene opening is almost as cliché as waking up from a dream. I’ll need to see the rest before I decide on this one.
Entry #3 The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
An angel, not bad. I liked it and I’m hooked. I half expected a horde of Mongols. Another well written opening.
Entry #4 Night Visions
Not bad but this didn’t grab me like the rest. Maybe because it opened with a dream.
Entry #5 Dreams of the Lion
Nice scenery. I could clearly the city from the descriptions. I liked it a lot.
Entry #6 Untitled
Nice scene set up. A good opening. I haven’t figured out what it has to do with the synopsis but I got the feeling I would have found out on the next page.
Entry #7 Allah’s Children
Interesting way open, starting at the invasion of Iraqi. Overuse of punctuation marks. Is the jewel the real WMD they were looking for? Others are better.
Despite a lesser participation, I think this is one of the strongest punch of openings I have read in this competition. Bravo to Wolfe boy and the authors that played this week. Now to make a very tough decision.
Best Title Dreams of the Lion (it fit with the opening so well)
First The Wrathful Gaze of Allah (so close but the angel did it for me)
Second Dreams of the Lion
Third Good Night to Old Frisco (could have put any of the others here but this deserved a vote. It could have won if WB stuck with the first synopsis)
All seven started in a different place and with different characters. All well done.
Mission Accomplished
I had to read this more than once to get a handle on it. Not clear enough for a smooth read. I wasn't hooked.
The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
Maybe because I just saw the new Indiana Jones, but I was right on board for this opener.
Night Visions
The dreams didn't hook me at all.
Dreams of the Lion
I like the setting description. Second paragraph is too narrative summary-ish -- too forced. I could almost buy it in first person.
Untitled
I guess the hook is "what's on the flash stick" but it wasn't quite enough for me. I might be more interested with more characterization.
Allah’s Children
I avoid anything that political. I haven't read the original synopsis, but if Hussein is in there I'd like that facet to be eased in rather than thrown to the front.
VOTES:
#1- The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
#2- Dreams of the Lion
#3- Untitled (I'll call it Flash Stick)
Entry 2: Mission Accomplished
I like this one. Disjointed, but it's got personality. I took the "guarding the chandeliers" line as humor - as if due to some organizational incompetence he'd been assigned to guard an empty room. When it was explained in the next sentence, I didn't have a problem with it. The "Eddie 'Speed' Baxter" was one name drop too many.
Entry 3: The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
I wasn't expecting the blatantly supernatural so this one threw me off. Not enough description - on first reading, I thought the winged creature was the vast metal structure, and I was visualizing some giant robotic fallen angel. Don't know why they'd want to bring horses to a messenger of Allah.
Entry 4: Night Visions
I'm interested, but by the end I want to be pulled out of the dream images and know more about what's going on in the real world. Three in a row (room with empty box, room with sealed box, tunnel with glowing box) is too many before I know anything about the guy dreaming them.
Entry 5: Dreams of the Lion
Nice opening two sentences, but the rest is too slow. I don't know Arabic so I didn't know how to pronounce the names. Stumbled over "Abu Ja'far Al-Mansur" - it's preceded by "the", so is it all an elaborate word for leader or king or something?
Entry 6: Untitled
Repetition of apostrophes in hangin', danglin', jabberin', somethin' is too much without me knowing why Sgt Patterson speaks so colloquially. Annoying. I don't like her as a character - if she's trying to deceive, it's far too transparent.
Entry 7: Allah's Children
Wouldn't they be using strong bombs to take out a president, regardless of what he was after? I'm also turned off by getting introduced to Saddam so soon in a work of fiction. The overall tone doesn't ring true (too stereotyped maybe?), so I doubt that the portrayal of Saddam will be plausible and wouldn't keep reading.
Best title: Dreams of the Lion
Hook 1st place: Mission Accomplished
Hook 2nd place: Night Visions
Hook 3rd place: Untitled
First Pick: Entry #4 Night Visions
Second Pick: Entry #1 Good Night to Old Frisco
Third Pick: Entry #2 Mission Accomplished
Best Title: Entry #5 Dreams of the Lion
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Entry #1 Good Night to Old Frisco
It’s well written, but maybe trying a bit too hard for the “old-school pulp crime-fiction” feel. No speculative elements and a fairly generic hook, but because of the quality of the writing, I would read on.
Entry #2 Mission Accomplished
Some interesting adjective choices, and I’m not whether “guarding the chandeliers” is meant to be figurative or literal. But I like it. I’m not crazy about the first sentence. Otherwise, it’s solid. Distinctive voice and an interesting situation.
Entry #3 The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
A good hook needs an interesting event to pull the character (and by extension, the reader) into a situation. And I’m interested in this. But this feels more climatic than introductory. This discovery seems like such an important event, I wish I knew more about who these people are and where they are so I can more fully appreciate it. A good story ratchets up the tension to the climax. Starting with “bang” like this makes me skeptical the momentum can be maintained.
Entry #4 Night Visions
Intriguing. Clearly presents the situation, and I really want to continue reading to find out where this goes. I think that’s the definition of a good hook – I’m questioning what’s happening, but I’m not confused (if that makes any sense…)
Entry #5 Dreams of the Lion
I’m having a hard time deciphering this. The line “as familiar as crickets and locusts to the Americans” makes it seem like Ali al-Suwaji and his men are American. But then you talk about mission from Allah and infidels. And then there are a couple of “hard-to-pronounce-for-non-Arabic-speakers” names that I don’t get the connection to. Conceptually, there’s nothing wrong with this, but work on better clarity. Oh, and “mission from Allah” makes me think of Muslim Blues Brothers…
Entry #6 Untitled
My reaction to this is mostly apathy. It’s a routine conversation between characters I don’t know and don’t care about (yet). The discovery of a dead man and a flash stick aren’t a strong enough hook.
Entry #7 Allah’s Children
This made me laugh. The problem is, I don’t think it was supposed to be funny. I’m picturing this as a South Park episode.
Entry 1 - I like this - you've nailed the tone (gone a bit over sometimes with the antiquated dialogue in a near-future setting, but that's alright) and you're laying out the plot in front of you clearly but without too much hand-holding. I'd read on.
Entry 2 - This is also pretty good. The pacing is a bit herky-jerky, where at one moment you're taking your time painting a good image of the expression on Ridwan's face, and the next slapping the reader with the plot's entrance. Still, I'm getting a good feeling of place and time and character even in this little space. I'd probably keep reading too (though that ellipses almost did me in).
Entry 3 - Another good entry.... a totally different tone, the beginnings of something epic where others might (and did) start off more grounded in reality. I'm intrigued by the angel, and the metal structure, and I'd certainly read on.
Entry 4 - The writing here is good, the images solid, but I don't know that this opening grabs me. I think dreams require a reader to be invested in the person dreaming, and I'm not yet/ There's a bit too much emphasis on the fact that this is a dream. If we are in Ali's POV, we would be more worried about the content of the dream and not the structure of it.
Entry 5 - Lots of good detail here, but I'm not invested in what is happening now, since we're so much talking about what has happened and what will happen. Still, the good details (accurate too, so the more intriguing) might make me read for a page or two more.
Entry 6 - Good characterization and interesting dialogue.... is that my photographer hanging form the balcony? Still, I'm not getting much of a sense of anything from this. It's quality, but this week was pretty strong and a as such is lost in the midground.
Entry 7 - I hate to dogpile since I've read a few of the other comments, but the Saddam angle is really throwing me. Seems more like a neo-con nighttime story, and I'm just not the target audience for that.
Votes:
First: Entry 1 - Last Night in Old Frisco
Second: Entry 3 - The Wrathful Gaze of Allah
Third: Entry 2 - Mission Accomplished
Title: Dreams of the Lion
Good job everyone! Stay tuned for the results!
Jayson Merryfield
Third Place: Night Visions by Unwritten
Second Place: Untitled by illiterate
Title: Dreams of the Lion by Inarticulate Babbler
.... and finally....
First Place: The Wrathful Gaze of Allah by skadder
The full breakdown of all the entrants this week:
Good Night to Old Frisco - Mrs Brown
Mission Accomplished - kathyton
The Wrathful Gaze of Allah - skadder
Night Visions - Unwritten
Dreams of the Lion - Inarticulate Babbler
Untitled - illiterate
Allah's Children - snapper
Good work by all! This was a strong week even though skadder won in a bit of a landslide (7 first-place votes). All of the entries were very well done, each garnered at least one vote, and you should all be proud of the quality of writing you've displayed here. It bodes well for the success of us Hatrackers in the future.
Now to scrape together an entry for Bent Tree's outline....
Jayson Merryfield
Everyone thought my entry was about about an angel. I wrote it from the Caliph's POV and that was his interpretation--based on his culture. In my mind it was an alien. The structure was a space craft that had crashed. The crystal in the helmet was a weapon he ends managing to keep when the alien leaves--then it flicks forward to the 12th Century-- and then on to the 21st century.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 04, 2008).]
So, I feel I did well. I'm, atleast, the title-holder. 
# 4 Night Visions --Well written, nice sense of voice, a good image of the men's faces. A dream, however, lacks actual conflict or something at stake.
#5 Dreams/Lion --wonderful metaphor--smoke/forest. Seems to be a POV shift when the crickets and locust are mentioned -- how would Ali know what is in the Americans' minds? this piece has conflict and a character wanting something and being opposed. But the reader doesn't become invested in Ali in this brief passage -- his city is torn up and he supports someone who promises to save it. Try a more personal stake, perhaps? Also, so many new names! Overwhelming.
#7 Allah's children -- I love alternative history type pieces, so I thought this was cool. And opening with a scene places us right in the action. I thought the 2nd line gave too much away, plotwise, and didn't make a great deal of sense. But, ultimately, I think building up to this scene would be better. We need a stronger sense of the POV character. Presumably, we're to identify with Muqtada, who definitely has a problem here. Yet the unsympathetic POV character is usually a problem for the author.