I've opted out of this challenge (as I believe the moderator should) to remain impartial, and to relinquish the advantage that I've had three weeks to think about the synopsis.
Here are the 13s:
Untitled:
For months now, Piers had overheard the gens d’armes speak of the Englishman in hushed tones over late night mugs of ale. He was, at turns, a craven, a coward, a fool, only to be spoken of the next night as a prodigy, and the avenging sword of Christ himself. Rumor told he was a giant of a man, weighing nigh on twenty stone with arms as brawny as the neck of an ox. In the broad daylight of the field of battle, standing beneath the Guillaume banner flapping overhead, Piers learned that the truth of the man was a different story.
The Englishman was a head shorter than Sir Guillaume, though near as broad at the shoulders. His dented armor was ill-fitting at the joints, and the dull sooty color looked almost black compared to Sir Guillaume’s burnished steel plate.
Be Careful What You Wish For:
“Please, William, I beg thee let this end here.”
William drew his sword, and held the blade to the dying sun, inspecting the keen edge over. “No, not until Guillaume lies dead at my feet.”
Jared’s shoulders slumped. “What then, William?”
“I’ll pray he rises from the dead, so I can kill him again.”
“God no!” Jared’s fingers shook, as he signed the cross, touching his forehead, shoulders, then chest. “Don’t talk like that William. There are those that feed on dark thoughts, and on the blood of others. Stop now, less they look our way.”
William looked at the army gathering in the valley below. “Then tell them to ready for a feast, for on the morrow, blood will spill.”
Entwined in Shadow:
The storm clouds marbled in patches of indigo and gray, then dispersed, opening a clear blue hole above Will. Mesmerized by the azure sky, he let the world fall away. He imagined gliding into the open and flying toward the calm of his home.
"Will," his Father said, jarring him back to the field.
His Father's tight expression made his stomach tense. "Father?"
"They're coming." His Father cut his eyes toward the valley.
Will didn't follow his Father's gaze. Hoping to capture one more moment of peace, he looked back to the sky, only to see it marred by the arrows slicing through the blue. They fell in curtains, dropping the advancing men in sharp clashes and thuds. He gripped his sword tighter, as the surviving men approached. His heart pounded and fear surged in his veins.
His Last Battlefield:
"To Guillaume's defeat!" Scoresby grinned and raised his glass.
"To victory!" shouted the other men-at-arms amidst clinking glasses. The tavern owner shuffled around the table, cradling his wine jug. His wispy voice cut through the merriment.
"The House of Valois are not your enemy," he said.
The soldiers became quiet, and Scoreseby peered down at the old man. "Sir Fancis Guillaume was responsible for my father's death. Come tomorrow, I will have my revenge."
The tavern owner shook his head. "Not your enemy. The witch king has come. I smell him."
Scoresby snorted. "Methinks you've been smelling too much wine, crazy old man." The men-at-arms laughed and slapped Scoresby on the back.
The Great Mortality:
The unbreachable Calais with its fortified citadel stood as a charnelhouse on the English Channel. The bodies of the elderly and children lay in scattered clusters in the fields outside the besieged citywalls. Expelled by their own, and repelled by the English hoard, they starved. Wil Scoresby shuttered, haunted by the children's cries that filled the nights before the last whimper fell silent. His father'scourageous blood bathed those cursed fields. The name of the man responsible stood etched into Wil's memory. His lips moved with the oath burning in his heart. "I swear by the noble blood spilled here I will not rest till the severed head of Frick Guilluame lies at my feet."
Murder Master:
Will had grown tired of the war. Once again, he found himself charging into the brutal arena of battle. It seemed like the usual smorgasbord of violence until the casualties of war arose from the dead to take up arms against them. "They don't pay me enough for this." With that thought Will took a wide swing with his sword, slicing open his nearest comrade’s throat. The only person on Will's side from now on was Will. It was almost too easy. Amidst the chaos of war he could easily slay his allies unnoticed. No one would suspect a fellow friend of the crown. Will became wild with laughter, the thrill of murder was simply too much. From this day forth, he was no longer Will. "I am Murder Master!" he proclaimed. Zothenforth gazed upon his undead army from afar. "Murder Master, friend or foe?" he wondered.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 09, 2008).]
Beyond the Edge of Insanity
Will Scoresby had a plan. Mergandledore did not. And as he stood on the frigid desert hilltop with his arms raised,
holding a magic wand in each hand, he realized he was truly planless. The armies below him crashed together like a
highschool orchestra. He began the complicated spell. Shouting into the wind with his castroti voice. And the dead began
to rise, a legion of them, marching without question, charging onto the battlefield. The humans turned, stunned.
Mergandledore smiled, belching like a violin, as he watched his minions meet the men at arms. But it was over quickly, his
corpse soldiers being ripped apart like the lifeless rags they were. Realizing he'd sapped all of his power casting that
spell, he spun and sprinted away as fast as a turtle that could
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 09, 2008).]
My Brother's Bones:
The old archer bowed low, shifted from foot to foot, then bowed low again. "Your Holy Eminences--that old beggar at the gate, he begun it. He witched us, somehow."
"Restrict your testimony to the facts," said the young jurist-priest. "Do you imagine the learned Fathers need your opinion?"
The man's knees creaked as he genuflected toward the dias. "Beg pardon. But you asked about strange doings. And that were a strange night--wild, and Sir Francois' humor matched it. He'd laid Sir Pierre to rest under the chapel that very day, and in his grief he took to the cup. That were not like him at all. When the storm rolled in as the beggar knocked, he ran out onto the rampart. 'Fly away, old crow,' he says to the beggar. 'Wake not my brother's bones with pounding at the door.'"
A Deadly Thunderless Rain:
Will rode his stallion, bastard sword in one hand. Its edge gleaming in the sun, screaming the name "Francis Guillaume" over and over, driving him mad. He looked across the rows of soldiers running, rank and file, charging toward their deaths, shields and swords raised. Clouds of arrows hung in the sky forming a deadly-thunderless rain. He spotted Sir Guillaume, livery bright and flamboyant. Will steeled himself, giving his horse a kick. But halted a moment later.
A deep rumble boomed within the canyon. And a wispy dark smoke began to stretch over the battlefield like a thousand reaching arms. Men faded to nothing as it touched them, Will's horse reared. He tried to calm her as he stared into the fluid darkness. His eyes piercing the haze, he spotted a dark form on
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 09, 2008).]
Beyond Infinity
The Keepers guarded each spectrum of time in a place untouched by matter. Each infinite piece was kept in a separate massless shield, shaped like a sphere. Forever protected by nimble, matterless hands holding them in the void. Watching over them. Keeping them safe. And while in one pale window of time the spirits of hundreds were shaken from their bodies as the fools known as men waged war, in other windows equally useless events were on display. In one such window a nondescript location could be seen. A strange place where oozing hot plastic dripped along the edge of the floor. Climbing up the stairs and rising along the thin paper walls. Davabungalow watched it. Slithering behind, blowing it forward. Breathing in the rich, putrid, delectably nasty odors it left behind. His eyes watered and he
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 09, 2008).]
The reason the latter is important is because the format greatly affects the flow of the piece, and which enhances/retracts from the reader's experience. So, please, with respect, honor this request.
If you all want KDW to chop it up this time...so be it.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 07, 2008).]
The Dead Shall Rise:
Francis Guillaume stepped up to the wagon and pulled the cover back. His brother, Pierre, lifeless eyes stared back.
“Scoresby?” Francis asked the man that brought Pierre’s body.
“Yes, he sent a message for you. ‘Your brother’s life is a down payment for my father’.”
“Leave, I wish to spend one last moment with my brother.” Francis examined his brother. Lacerated wounds on his limbs told the story. First, the Englishman crippled Pierre then sliced him from stomach to chest, spilling his guts on the ground. He did not die quick.
Francis set a hand on his deceased brothers arm. “I will send him to hell, Pierre.”
Pierre lifted his head and spoke. “Good, we shall walk the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 09, 2008).]
1. Seems like someone was rushed and forgot a title - or chose to remain titleless and forgo the glory of winning the best title award. Regardless, I don't know that this POV is the best one to chose. A bystander, with no direct role in any action that is likely to take place, could be awful boring. Still, the writing isn't too bad.
2. This seems like the polar opposite of the first entry, and my feelings are opposite yet still similar. The action is implied so soon and the mood so tense that I'm asked to be fully committed right from the outset. The fact that I can't be that committed that soon holds me at a distance and makes me less intriqued than I could be.
3. I like the pace of emotions in this piece - the transfer from calm and peaceful, through concerned into action. To make the move gradual but rapid is a careful balance, and you've handled it skillfully. That said, some of your word choices (His Father cut his eyes toward the valley) I find questionable, and the first paragraph a little too pie-in-the-sky and colorful.
4. I like this... it sets a mood, is far enough removed from the action to draw me into the world, and clearly characterizes Scoresby. There are a few details that I wonder about, but they come from knowing the outline we were given. The mention of the witch-king is rather abrupt as well and stood out to me, and was a little obvious given Scoresby's immediate dismissal of the notion, but all in all, this makes me want to read on.
5. This one is... a little too bleak for me, and pointlessly so. Also, a key historical point seems to be missed here. Calais was a major french stronghold. A simple Man-at-arms likely wouldn't have commanded near enough men to attempt to beseige it, and the French would likely have done more than simply allow a single knight (regardless of his stature) to defend it. That error, along with some sloppy writing, turns me off from this story.
6. Smorgasbord as an anachronism used as it is - the words origins are Swedish, not English or French, and didn't come to mean a buffet (as we usually associate the word) until sometime after the colonization of North America. Also, the character of Will is distorted from the outline we were given, and is not a very palatable character. The sudden inclusion of Zothenforth threw me for a loop as well, and the final one. I don't enjoy this piece, and I would not read further.
7. Another anachronism - highschool? Other than the fact that this should actually be two words, it's horribly out of place in a period piece. Belching like a violin made me laugh, but not in a good way - more like, "is this guy serious?"
8. This is an interesting place to start, and after 7 similar openings, this catches my eye. The dialogue is pretty spot-on for a peasant. The only strange thing to me is that, the peasant, in recounting what Guillaume said, stopped speaking like a peasant and started acting like a tape recorder. Still, I like this, for being different if nothing else.
9. There are some grammatical issues in your first paragraph, and again, there is too much action to grab me and slip me into the story's reality. There is also no background here, nothing to relate the story og Scoresby and Guillaume. A good try, but second tier at best.
10. This has zero to do with the outline we were given, and is another example of someone not taking this seriously. From the sound of it (and the reference to hot plastic), I'm thinking this is some sort of continuation from last weeks inexplicable lawn chair in the fireplace story. I had hope for a moment that this might lead somewhere interesting, but alas, I'm let down again.
11. I like this, in what is comparably a week without a lot of strong stories. The characters are clear if still somewhat undefined. The angle of Pierre is intriguing, but potentially jumping the gun on the whole undead angle. And the writing doesn't get in the way. A good effort.
My votes
First - #4: His Last Battlefield
Second - #8: My Brother's Bones
Third - #11: The Dead Shall Rise
Title - I would love to vote for the untitled one since none of these are particularly inspiring, but if pressed, I'd likely vote for The Dead Shall Rise. It's literal and doesn't get in my way, and I'd at least pick it up off the shelf if I saw it at Chapters.
Good work this week IB. Too bad the fruits of your labor aren't of the highest calibre. I'd be interested to see what your take on this would be, regardless of your decision to submit an offical entrant this week.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited May 08, 2008).]
Enemy of my Enemy
"Guillaume," cried Will Scoresby. He blocked a sword-thrust sent a riposte through the eyeslots of a pignose helm. He jerked the blade free and the french soldier fell. He slammed the pommel into the face of a soldier who wore only a coif and open sallet--it didn't slow his charge. "Guillaume, you bastard, I'll see you dead."
Nothing would stop him from avenging Father, not even the armored destrier the murder rode, nor the unnatural fog that clung to his ankles like corporeal tendrils.
The Destrier snorted and danced as it came about, then its rider spurred it toward Will. Will planted his blade through his next opponent's foot, then snatched his lochabre away and swept the blade across his throat. He turned, poleaxe ready.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 09, 2008).]
quote:
I would love to vote for the untitled one since none of these are particularly inspiring, ... Good work this week IB. Too bad the fruits of your labor aren't of the highest calibre
Wow, so wolfe_boy is officially a bit mean. Anywho... I'll send in my much less evil reviews shortly.
[This message has been edited by Doctor (edited May 08, 2008).]
Entry 2-Be Careful What You Wish For-Heavy on the foreshadowing.
Entry 3-Entwined in Shadow-Nice place to start. We get to see Wil young and green to battle.
Entry 4-His Last Battle- Interesting set up for the union of the two foes against a common enemy.
Entry 5-The Great Mortality-Liked the nickname for Francis almost sounds like a swear word.
Entry 6-Murder Master-Birth of a psychopath.
Entry 7-Beyond the Edge of Insanity-It sounds like we got to the edge and took the final leap.
Entry 8-My Brother’s Bones-I really like this imagery. Can feel the brother’s grief. Wonder if it would have worked just as well as a scene instead of testimony.
Entry 9- A Deadly Thunderous Rain- The second paragraph pulled me in.
Entry 10-Beyond Infinity-Quite psychedelic.
Entry 11-The Dead Shall Rise-Love the shock factor
Entry 12-Enemy of my Enemy-Great action with just a hint of the misty menace.
Title – My Brother’s Bones
1st – Entry 8 – My Brother’s Bones
2nd- Entry 11 – The Dead Shall Rise
3rd – Entry 3 – Entwined in Shadow
title: Entwined in Shadow
This week's entries showed some very good prose. Most opened with a scene (good) that both introduced the characters (good) and their conflict (good). I think, as a group, we're getting better at this!
entry 1: Good prose, good description. Mild hook in the difference between Piers' expectation and reality. I think I'd read a bit farther, and learn more about this Engishman.
entry 2: I like dialogue, but the first line should be attributed, I think. Good characterization of William -- he doesn't sound nice. Establishes the conflict between William and G.
entry 3: Only capitalize Father for direct address --that was distracting. Great description, characterization of Will with the sky pattern as objective correlative. I'd read on.
entry 4: Felt in the scene. I like that the tavern owner can smell the witch king. Established conflict. I'd read on.
entry 5: Establishes the stakes, but I don't feel I know enough about Will to care. Opening with scenery, even arresting scenery, is a difficult hook, I think.
entry 6: Humor. But not my sort, so I'm not hooked. Attention to comedic pacing could yield a funny story about zombie knights.
entry 7: Did a decent job of putting me in the scene --skillful. But, it's a silly scene. The last line is a hook to an entirely different story.
Entry 9: Good prose. I felt in the scene. Too active, I think for an opening. Feels rushed and stuffed with plot.
Entry 10: Not hooked. You write well enough to figure out why
Entry 11: Great scene. Well described. Creepy. I'd keep reading.
Skillful prose, but I'm bogged down in vocabulary words. Like, I can't tell what's going on. I think that would be pretty easy to fix -- enough vocabulary for authenticity, but make sure we get the action. I though Will had killed Guillaume in the first line.
quote:
Wow, so wolfe_boy is officially a bit mean. Anywho... I'll send in my much less evil reviews shortly.
It wasn't meant to be mean, evil, or cruel, just my own perspective on this weeks challenge. I had a difficult time and am think my own entry is particularly weak. Compared to the other high-quality submissions from previous weeks, I feel this week suffers in comparison, especially given the stellar outline we were given.
Review/critique as you see fit.
jayson Merryfield
), some people just don't appreciate no-nonsense reviews. Some people like to delude themselves. I'm one a few people who appreciate your efforts (though you didnt cut into mine--the unoficial entry you requested).
Also, I suppose there is nothing wrong with the "no-nonsense review" style, I guess it's just a matter of taste. But, one thinks some degree of tact could be applied. For instance once you cross the limit of contributing something useful perhaps further negative comments aren't necessary. For instance "everything sucked this week," is largely different from "your story was weak, the prose had grammatical errors," the second is useful and the first is not, it's just insulting.
Think about it.
2. Be Careful What You Wish For - This is pretty good. It flows naturally, the writing works. I like the choice of descriptors ex:"keen edge," works nicely. I don't really care for the dialog though, it feels melodramatic.
3. Entwined in Shadow - I like this, good description. I thought the use of "His Father" got tiresome after its third mention in only three consecutive sentences. Maybe a name would have worked better, I don't know. Almost everything about this piece works nicely. Though "fear surging in his veins," felt unnecessary. A "show don't tell" kind of moment. Oh and great title.
4. His Last Battlefield - This is fairly lighthearted, I like it. Um, I though the innkeeper's line that he "smelled" the witch king felt kind of stupid, but I realize it was meant to set up the biting/funny quip at the end, so it worked all right. But this reads more like a comedy than a serious drama, which is fine.
5. The Great Mortality - I don't care for the spelling of shuddered as "shuttered," but the setup works pretty well. It has good imagery but feels slightly melodramatic.
6. Murder Master - This is funny. I like it. It doesn't particularly fit the character as outlined, but it is a new dynamic. I would read on. The title needs work though, could be a lot better.
7. Beyond the Edge of Insanity - Interesting. That's a fascinating title but I'm not sure how it fits your draft at all, or even what it means. Does it mean we're passing from insanity into sanity? I liked the touch about the wizard's raised army of the dead being weak and, frankly, a bad idea. That was fresh and interesting, but I'm not sure that the turtle metaphor really helps, or the high school orchestra part. That was out of place. I'm going to guess this is meant to be omniscient, in which case it isn't necessarily an anachronism. Or, more specifically, it isn't a problem. Like in the Hobbit Tolkien compares a lot of things to, say, the mailman of his time. So, contrary to a previous reviewer, that isn't the problem. The problem is that it doesn't work - at all. Also the name of the wizard is clever, but it isn't very good.
8. My Brother's Bones - I'm not sure what "shifted from foot to foot" means. This is an interesting take on the premise, not what I expected. But fresh and interesting. I have a tough time with the dialog. I think it's appropriately stylized, but it isn't a style that I care for. Well done, though.
9. A Deadly Thunderless Rain - Your title, I think, is trying a bit too hard. And so is your piece. I like your prose and didn't have any problems with your opening paragraph. Except that it feels much more like the midsection of a short story than the beginning of one. The writing is good and the imagery of the second paragraph really worked well. But I'm not attached to the character yet.
10. Beyond Infinity - This is an excellent title. I really like it. And the way this piece begins is fascinating. Something mystical and mind-bending about it as it gets going. But then it just turns weird, and I'm just not sure that this can go anywhere meaningful. But I will give you credit for the best opening four lines. And a pretty sweet title.
11. The Dead Shall Rise - This is a good place for the story to begin. We get into the conflict right away, and get a bit of the feel for the characters, which is giving us quite a bit since 13 lines can't accomplish much, usually. But I'm a little lost on the scenery, I'm not sure where this is taking place.
12. Enemy of my Enemy - The writer clearly knows the setting, and the time period, and has probably done extensive research on that, it shows. I like the writer to have a stronger understanding than I do about any given setting. But I'm stumbling over some of the prose, for instance "He blocked a sword-thrust sent a riposte through the eyeslots of a pignose helm" didn't work for me. I read it a few times and couldn't really understand what it meant. Still, the writer shows a lot of potential.
OK my votes.... drum roll please ...
BEST TITLE - Beyond the Edge of Insanity (with Entwined in Shadow as an extremely close second)
1. Beyond Infinity (I like the first few lines)
2. Murder Master (I like the fugitive concept)
3. Beyond the Edge of Insanity (I like the take on the Wizard)
All in all I liked every single piece, they were all quite good. Some seemed more appropriate than others, but I like the "pushing the boundaries," flavor they provide. But... could use less "plastic" and more concrete, sensical imagery.
quote:
though you didnt cut into mine--the unoficial entry you requested
And so I have missed it.
Even though we start with action, the particular movements are slowed down enough to slipstream me into the piece and engage me. The problem I see here is that the gratuitous use of medevial technobabble. Some of the specific implements/pieces of armor/parts of weapons slipped me up and made me think about what it was exactly. It's clear you know this stuff very well - but the detail could buck all but the most determined (or similarly educated) reader.
This reminds me of a quote I read a few years back... and I need to paraphrase here, since Google isn't cooperating with me...."An enthusiast may bore others with his interests, but is never bored himself." That's sort of what this feels like. I would have probably voted for it, though.
Jayson Merryfield
This was okay but sounded like the beginning of a Paul Bunyon tale. Interesting but not hooked.
Entry #2 Be Careful What You Wish For:
This I liked but not all that hooked either. The prose is really good, though.
Entry #3 Entwined in Shadow
Another one that was written well but it isn’t grabbing me. Too much of the battle is glossed over for my taste.
Entry #4 His Last Battlefield
This one grabbed my attention but I had to read it a second time catch who said "The House of Valois are not your enemy," The best so far.
Entry #5 The Great Mortality
Too epic-ie. I’m not enthused by the approach here. Too much going on to be captured by one man’s vengeance.
Entry #6 Murder Master
I didn’t like smorgasbord of violence. It didn’t put me in the correct frame of mind. I’m not enjoying the direction the author took Scoresby. He didn’t sound like a middle-age knight.
Entry #7 the Edge of Beyond Insanity
Best title so far. However, I didn’t like the rest of the submission. It looked like it was meant for further in the story, perhaps the last third of it. Don’t know what a belching violin sounds like. Not hooked.
Entry #8 My Brother's Bones
An okay title and not a bad submission. One of the better ones so far. This looks like a proper opening for this synopsis.
Entry #9 A Deadly Thunderless Rain
This read the beginning of the climatic scene and not the first 13 lines. I could visualize him riding through the battlefield but I’m not quite hooked.
Entry #10 Beyond Infinity
One of the best titles. I am not sure what is going on in this opening. One major problem is the oozing hot plastic line. Plastic was invented centuries after the Hundred Years War. Minus points for that.
Entry # 11 The Dead Shall Rise
Weird. The dead brother started talking? I wonder what he had to say.
Best Title Entry #7 the Edge of Beyond Insanity
First Entry #4 His Last Battlefield
Second Entry #8 My Brother's Bones
Third Entry #2 Be Careful What You Wish For
Unofficial) Entrant #12
Enemy of my Enemy
I liked it and would place it second.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited May 09, 2008).]
I find such harshness helpful. Admittedly, past weeks submissions were stronger. For some reason this weeks synopsis was tough to develop a strong start.
I think the best flow to this story would have it start out as "medeival historical fiction", introducing us to the characters/situation. And then have the SF element (evil wizard, rising dead) appear later, surprising the readers as much as the characters. Unfortunately, in order to inject a speculative hook early, we feel compelled to push that aspect of the story before it's ready to appear.
I'm just disappointed nobody used the line "Hello. My name is Will Scoresby. You killed my father. Preapare to die." 
quote:
I'm just disappointed nobody used the line "Hello. My name is Will Scoresby. You killed my father. Preapare to die."
I see I wasn't the only one who thought of that line. It took
all I had not to put it in my 13.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited May 10, 2008).]
Entry #2 Be Careful What You Wish For:
Good prose, but came on too strong.
Entry #3 Entwined in Shadow
This was a good one. Would keep reading.
Entry #4 His Last Battlefield
The dialogue told too much. But I did like the last line.
Entry #5 The Great Mortality
Seemed to try to hard to set the mood.
Entry #6 Murder Master
I'm confused. But had I not read the synopsis, I would read on.
Entry #7 Beyond the Edge of Insanity
"bleching like a violin" this line lost me, although I liked the conducting the dead idea.
Entry #8 My Brother's Bones
Good characterzation, but was too much of the dialogue, had a hard time following it.
Entry #9 A Deadly Thunderless Rain
First paragraph was great, the second forced the issue to quick.
Entry #10 Beyond Infinity
I'm lost again. The writing wasnt bad, just had no idea what was going on.
Entry # 11 The Dead Shall Rise
I liked this one, but the kicker line with the talking head isnt present anymore.
Best Title Entry #7 Beyond the Edge of Insanity
First Entry #11 The Dead Shall Rise
Second Entry #3 Entwined in Shadow
Third Entry #4 His Last Battlefield
The unoffical entry:#12 Enemy of my Enemy - Too much knowledge of weapons, took me out of the fighting.
Best Title: 6 Murder Master
1 Untitled
A bit description heavy. I don’t mind “telling” to establish a setting/background, if it’s interesting enough. And this is interesting. But by the 2nd paragraph, I want this to move into more action.
2 Be Careful What You Wish For
Good. It foreshadows without being obvious. Should be “lest they look away”, not “less they look away”.
3 Entwined in Shadow:
I didn’t like the repetition of “his Father” in 4 consecutive lines. Not a strong hook, but decent enough to keep me reading.
4 His Last Battlefield:
I might like a bit more ‘scene setting’. It feels a bit rushed to get the important plot points out.
5 The Great Mortality:
I don’t know what “shuttered” means in this context. This leaves me a bit cold. It’s bleak, for sure, but also distant.
6 Murder Master:
The “arose from the dead” is so casually mentioned, it’s difficult to get into the scene and see what’s happening. Then it jumps in time with the line “from this day forth”. But the idea is great, and with some editing, this could really be something.
7 Beyond the Edge of Insanity”
As with the previous entry, I love this idea. This is totally the type of story I would read. But there are some problems in execution. Will is mentioned at the beginning, and then ignored. Violins don’t belch (a tuba definitely belches). The turtle reference is just odd. The story is there, but the details need hardcore editing.
8 My Brother's Bones:
I didn’t know where they were or what they were doing or who they were talking about, which was frustrating. Good writing, but focus more on setting the scene and characters. The last line feels ripped off from “The Raven”.
9 A Deadly Thunderless Rain:
Was the sword screaming??? It’s too hard to get your bearings when you open in the middle of an epic battle.
10 Beyond Infinity
There might be the germ of a good idea here, but it’s obfuscated under verbose prose-poetry. And it’s unrelated to the synopsis, which is kind of the point of this exercise. Not only was there no hook, I had trouble wallowing through the 13 lines.
11 The Dead Shall Rise:
A dead man sitting up and speaking is a great hook. It’s a simple scene with a detail intriguing enough to make me want to continue.
(Unofficial) 12 Enemy of my Enemy:
Reads a bit like a textbook on medieval weaponry and armament, but does a good job focusing on one character in the midst of battle. You’ve got the action, without trying to do too much.
Title Winner: casey Beyond the Edge of Insanity with 3 votes
#1 Hook: The Dead Shall Rise (#11) by snapper with a total of 7 votes.
#2 Hook: His Last battlefield (#4) by Jeff M with a total of 6 votes.
#3 Hook is a tie between My Brother's Bones by kathyton (#8) with 5 votes
The 13s are as follows:
1) Untitled by Wolfe_boy
2) Be Careful What you Wish For by Tiergan
3) Entwined in Shadow by AnnaN
4) His Last Battlefield by Jeff M
5) The Great Mortality by sephina
6) Murder Master by SaucyJim
7) Beyond the Edge of Insanity by casey
8) My Brother's Bones by kathyton
9) A Deadly Thunderless Rain by Doctor
10) Beyond Infinity by Casey2
11) The Dead Shall Rise by snapper
The unofficial entry was mine (by request from Wolfe-Boy).
Congratulation Captain Hook: snapper.
Now, a 2nd part of the challenge: Write the rest of the story. Who has got it in them?
[Edited to corect the "title" holder]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 12, 2008).]
[Edited to add AnnaN's vote]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 13, 2008).]
Too bad the voting was so pitifully light this week. Only 8 people took the time to vote, even though we had 12 entries? I second the call we had last week for no winning unless you vote yourself. I'd say it's reasonable.
Jayson Merryfield
, you always have meaningful things to say.
As far as the comments go: that's why I set the second stage of the challenge (because I'm writing my WotF story now, and am pushing it with that). I figure three weeks for part two of the challenge--should you choose to accept--because by then, I should be letting it cool off before applying critiques.
I like the way this hat feels and this hook makes a great back scratcher. Ahhhhh
Okay, listen up swine. There are going to be some changes around here. Wolfe boy and Doctor up in that crows nest (I want to see some tension). Annepin, KayTi, and Kathyton, to my cabin. I need my hook polished. The rest of you swab that deck and have IB walk that plank (like I need the competition).
I will try to limit the pirate jokes. Right now I got to sail. I'm off to get that wretched Peter Pan and that little fairy he hangs with!
As for the second part of the challenge, what are the rules?
quote:
Annepin, KayTi, and Kathyton, to my cabin. I need my hook polished.
As for continuing the story, my 'real life' writer's group meets next week and our '500 word assignment' for this month is a historical piece that clearly evokes a past time and place. For this challenge, I actually researched the 100 Years War a bit (mainly because I wasn't sure what a "man-at-arms" was), and there's a lot of great potential here. Not sure if I throw in a "witch king". It's not an SF group. I've got to sneak in spec elements subtly...
If I do take something from this synopsis, I'll make sure to credit Inarticulate Babbler" for the idea 
quote:
Annepin, KayTi, and Kathyton, to my cabin. I need my hook polished.
Is that what you kids are calling it these days?
1. His Last Battlefield #4
2. The Dead Shall Rise #11
3. My Brother’s Bones #8
Best Title: My Brother’s Bones
Entry #1, Untitled:
Good description. I would read on to see how the rumors measure up to Pier’s experience.
Entry #2, Be Careful What You Wish For:
Between the title and the dialogue, I feel too much is revealed. The writing is good, I just think either the title should be changed, or the dialogue needs to be subtle.
Entry #4, His Last Battlefield:
This is a great start to the story.
Entry #5, The Great Mortality:
I think the first few sentences do a great job of setting the mood, but when Will Scoresby is introduced, I lose some interest. I want more from him so that I can care about his situation.
Entry #6, Murder Master:
I’m not sure what to say about this one. The humor isn’t quite working for me. When the dead rise up, Will barely has a reaction to the experience. But I can also see a certain amount of humor in Will’s casual reaction to the dead rising. I think I would have to read on to see how it plays out.
Entry #7, Beyond the Edge of Insanity
Some of your word choices (as fast as a turtle, belching like a violin, etc.) makes me think this is suppose to be a humorous piece, but it’s not working for me. Maybe it needs to be completely ridiculous, really silly like a Mel Brooks film.
Entry #8, My Brother's Bones:
This was an interesting place to start for the story. I would keep reading.
1 Entry #9, A Deadly Thunderless Rain:
This was very descriptive and action packed. I would keep reading.
Entry #10, Beyond Infinity:
I didn’t mind the line about the (oozing hot plastic), because I assume magical beings (the keepers) exist outside of time and space. I’m also guessing that the reference to war and the keepers has something to do with the hundred years war and the zombie outline. But I’m not sure if my assumptions are correct. It would be nice to have a few lines that ground the opening to create a framework to understand this strange world.
Entry # 11, The Dead Shall Rise:
I would read on. If I hadn’t read the outline, I would wonder if Pierre’s lines were in Francis’s mind or if they were really happening. That would be enough to keep me reading.
Entry #12
I had a hard time visualizing the scene, because I’m unfamiliar with the weapons that were mentioned. It would be nice to have information about the weapons (it’s always nice to learn something), but I’m not sure how you can introduce the new vocabulary words without it feeling forced.
), you were tied.
Now, other than a lochabre (which is a poleax), what weapons were everyone unfamiliar with? This is preplexing to me. A pignose helm(A helmet with a pointy nose)? A sword? A coif (the chain mail that covers a knight's head)? A sallet (metal hat/helmet)? All these are common for the period. Anyway, that's why mine was unofficial (becuase it was more involved in Historical Fiction than the others).
[This message has been edited by Doctor (edited May 13, 2008).]
In my novel I use the word coif, and bastard sword, which most understand. But when I used "buckler" I lost most, even though the MC blocked with it.
Well, darn it, that’ll teach me to vote again. (I would include a fancy smiley face, but I don’t know how.)
Congratulations to all of the winners.
IB
I don’t often read historical fiction and I’m not very knowledgeable about weapons, but here is my 2cents anyway. It’s not that I didn’t have any idea what these items were; it was that I only had a vague idea (actually your descriptions confirmed that my assumptions were correct for the most part). Because I was unsure of several items mentioned in your 13, I found myself pausing and wondering if what I was imagining was correct, instead of getting into the story. But it sounds like your target reader would have a firm grasp on the period, so those details would enrich their experience. I’m wondering if there is a way to satisfy the seasoned historical fiction readers, while making it accessible enough to entice the less knowledgeable readers.
*nudge* IB
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 17, 2008).]
I figured you just didn't know. Ignorance is when you don't know and you ask. Idiot-ness is when you don't know and you don't bother to ask. Ignorance can be cured. I'm not so sure about idiot-ness.
Besides I have wondered about it for a while. So I fulfill the not asking aspect too.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 17, 2008).]
quote:
How do you do the sunglasses IB?
Well, I won them from Lando Calrissian in the same ill-fated poker game that he lost that old freighter to Han Solo...
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 19, 2008).]