quote:
OK. I'm offering a challenge.Someone come up with a REALLY adjective and adverb heavy sentence and let the rest of us try to come up with something better that eliminates as many of them as possible.
Might be a good idea to start a new thread--but don't know of F&F is the right place to do it.
***
Glass shattered frighteningly, fragmenting collectively into slivers ribbon thin, arbitrarily sticking themselves to the pale, white, opaque wall, quickly making increasingly random niches for their translucent, fragile selves.
***
How's that? (Must not edit, must not edit, must not edit...)
Thin shards of glass dug the white wall leaving a random pattern of niches.
quote:
Quickly she darted from one moonbeam to another, searching, fearful in a moonlit panic, till she left the windows behind and moved into the shadows once more to play, endlessly to play.
[This message has been edited by J (edited December 14, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited December 14, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by GZ (edited December 14, 2004).]
As far as Mike's sentence, I think it's absolutely wonderful if all you do is eliminate Quickly.
OK. Try this one:
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Eofre grunted. Enough signal to silence the boy, who eyed the switch warily and listened to his master's angry breathing.
This is both a challenge and an appeal for help with this line. It just bugs me.
(I didn't really do that much with adj/adv here. I don't know what I would have done with this if I'd known the context.)
quote:
GZ's sentence was as good as any of the others, but I'm not clear what made hers stand out as the "winner." Perhaps I am not understanding the exercise. What are we basing the judgement on? When I know, I'll take a crack at the second sentence.
That was a vote, not a declaration! Sorry.
And I liked it because I felt it captured the essence of the sentence in a very economical way.
quote:
Eofre grunted. Enough signal to silence the boy, who eyed the switch warily and listened to his master's angry breathing.
I like what rickfisher did with it.
Although Eofre might well be pronounced 'yoff-ray', the two 'E's starting the sentences, in such close proximity, bothered me. Also, I was confused as to whether the boy was wary of the switch, or of Eofre. This last is probably addressed in the prior context, no?
If the boy is wary of Eofre, then perhaps "Eofre's grunt silenced the boy. He focused again on the switch, listening warily for any changes in Eofre's breathing."
If the boy is wary of the switch, then perhaps "Eofre's grunt warned the boy. He concentrated his wary attention on the switch, aiming one ear at Eofre, waiting for any further signal: a grunt, a sigh, paused breathing."
Eofre's grunt silenced him. He listened with apprehension to his master's angry breathing and eyed the switch with expectent dread.
My only issue with "Eofre's grunt..." is that it gives action to the grunt itself instead of to Eofre.
This would be fun...but it might help to get the context of some of these sentences/phrases so we know how best to rewrite them. Just a thought -- might help for clarity.
Z
This boy is a servant and has been caught AWOL. Eofre is angry about more than the boy being gone, and he'll take out his frustration on the boy's behind. Other than that, Eofre's just a really nasty guy. The boy is a tender soul who has had a hard life.
Does that help any?
By the way, I like rickfisher's version, too.
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited December 16, 2004).]