Someone come up with a REALLY adjective and adverb heavy sentence and let the rest of us try to come up with something better that eliminates as many of them as possible.
Might be a good idea to start a new thread--but don't know of F&F is the right place to do it.
posted
I'll offer a sentence made up on the spot. Note: I'm trying to go for adverb/adjective overkill. I don't write like this.
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Glass shattered frighteningly, fragmenting collectively into slivers ribbon thin, arbitrarily sticking themselves to the pale, white, opaque wall, quickly making increasingly random niches for their translucent, fragile selves.
***
How's that? (Must not edit, must not edit, must not edit...)
posted
Here's a sentence to improve. And, yes, I do write like this.
quote:Quickly she darted from one moonbeam to another, searching, fearful in a moonlit panic, till she left the windows behind and moved into the shadows once more to play, endlessly to play.
posted
GZ's sentence was as good as any of the others, but I'm not clear what made hers stand out as the "winner." Perhaps I am not understanding the exercise. What are we basing the judgement on? When I know, I'll take a crack at the second sentence. Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Quietlty, she slipped through the shadows avoiding moonlight that beamed through the windows; her only thought was to play.
Posts: 807 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:GZ's sentence was as good as any of the others, but I'm not clear what made hers stand out as the "winner." Perhaps I am not understanding the exercise. What are we basing the judgement on? When I know, I'll take a crack at the second sentence.
That was a vote, not a declaration! Sorry.
And I liked it because I felt it captured the essence of the sentence in a very economical way.
quote:Eofre grunted. Enough signal to silence the boy, who eyed the switch warily and listened to his master's angry breathing.
I like what rickfisher did with it.
Although Eofre might well be pronounced 'yoff-ray', the two 'E's starting the sentences, in such close proximity, bothered me. Also, I was confused as to whether the boy was wary of the switch, or of Eofre. This last is probably addressed in the prior context, no?
If the boy is wary of Eofre, then perhaps "Eofre's grunt silenced the boy. He focused again on the switch, listening warily for any changes in Eofre's breathing."
If the boy is wary of the switch, then perhaps "Eofre's grunt warned the boy. He concentrated his wary attention on the switch, aiming one ear at Eofre, waiting for any further signal: a grunt, a sigh, paused breathing."
posted
quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Eofre grunted. Enough signal to silence the boy, who eyed the switch warily and listened to his master's angry breathing. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eofre's grunt silenced him. He listened with apprehension to his master's angry breathing and eyed the switch with expectent dread.
posted
"Eofre grunted. The boy fell silent under his master's breath, then dragged his gaze to the lock."
My only issue with "Eofre's grunt..." is that it gives action to the grunt itself instead of to Eofre.
This would be fun...but it might help to get the context of some of these sentences/phrases so we know how best to rewrite them. Just a thought -- might help for clarity.
This boy is a servant and has been caught AWOL. Eofre is angry about more than the boy being gone, and he'll take out his frustration on the boy's behind. Other than that, Eofre's just a really nasty guy. The boy is a tender soul who has had a hard life.
Does that help any?
By the way, I like rickfisher's version, too.
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited December 16, 2004).]
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