Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 10 Openings

This is topic 10 Openings in forum Discussing Published Hooks & Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=000223

Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :

I said I would transcribe 30 of these, and I will. But for the time being here are the first 10. Your thoughts on the openings? Which ones leave you wanting to read more?

“I remember the night I became a Goddess” – Ian McDonald

“No Mammy. No pappy, poor little bastard. Money? You give Money?” – Paulo Baciagulupi

“Greta’s with me when I pull Suzy out of the surge tank” –
Alastair Reynolds

“When I enter the office, Dr. S is leaning against the desk, talking eagerly to the dead girl’s parents.” – Daryl Gregory
“Kelly MacInnes was pretty, prettier than I expected. She had the sort of husky blonde beauty I associate with the upper Midwest. Or in this case the Canadian Rockies” – Jay Lake and Ruth Nestvold

“The dinosaurs looked all wobbly in the summer heat, shimmering up from the pavement” – Michael Swanwick

“The human male had lived on the on the avenue for thirty-two years” – Robert Reed

“When you say that it’s Providence that brought you here” said Qasim, “what I hear are two things: it’s bad luck, and it’s not your fault” – Ken McLeod

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

Hmm. If that were all I had to go on, the first one I think I'd want to keep reading is the Alastair Reynolds. And it's because of "surge tank."

The Ken McLeod is a close second.

Posted by KPKilburn (Member # 6876) on :

I haven't read any of these. Based solely on the passage, the ones that grab me are:

“The dinosaurs looked all wobbly in the summer heat, shimmering up from the pavement” – Michael Swanwick

“The human male had lived on the on the avenue for thirty-two years” – Robert Reed

“When you say that it’s Providence that brought you here” said Qasim, “what I hear are two things: it’s bad luck, and it’s not your fault” – Ken McLeod

No good reason why - I just like these.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

I liked the dinosaur one because the image of dinosaurs and "pavement" is intriguing.

I also liked the one with Qasim saying that because what he says sounds wise/insightful and raises questions about the person he's talking to.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I have read four of these.
Paulo Baciagulupi- That was 'Calorie Man' right? that one caught me flipping through a Best Of.

It is hard for me to say. The names Ken McLeod and Ian McDonald are typically all the hook I need.

Of the ones that I haven't read,“The dinosaurs looked all wobbly in the summer heat, shimmering up from the pavement” – Michael Swanwick, is the one that got my attention.

Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :

Yes, that is calorie man. A pretty good story in a pretty sub-standard year.

Posted by Marzo (Member # 5495) on :

The ones that hooked me:

“Greta’s with me when I pull Suzy out of the surge tank” –
Alastair Reynolds
Reason: "Surge tank."

“The dinosaurs looked all wobbly in the summer heat, shimmering up from the pavement” – Michael Swanwick
Reason: Dinosaurs and pavement? Wondering if this is an imagined image (if so, a creative character mind is suggested, so that's intriguing) or something concrete (har har), factual, which would be interesting for other reasons. I'd be disappointed if the next few words revealed them to be cardboard cutouts or something, though.

“The human male had lived on the on the avenue for thirty-two years” – Robert Reed
Reason: Interesting turn of phrase, "the human male."

“When you say that it’s Providence that brought you here” said Qasim, “what I hear are two things: it’s bad luck, and it’s not your fault” – Ken McLeod
Reason: Qasim is an interesting name, and he seems like an astute, no-nonsense kind of guy. I get the feeling he'll be stirring stuff up.

For me, the Bruce Sterling and the Ian McDonald ones were the 2 I liked the least.

Thanks again for doing this, smncameron.

Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :

They all seem intriguing...but I'm so out of touch with the field these days I'm pretty sure I haven't read any of them---and I recognize only five of the ten names.

Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :

The idea is not to recognize the stories themselves or the author's names, it is to, based solely on the opening passage, determine which stories are the most intriguing. It's like the opening 13, condencsed.

Personally my favourite opening is Ken McLeod's. It leaves the reader wondering what's going on, but still has that sparkle of originality. The name Qasim didn't really effect my opinion.

[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited February 14, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

My take:

“I remember the night I became a Goddess” – Ian McDonald
I really hate openings like this. It just feels like it's trying to be too clever. Ooo, okay, I'm supposed to read because I want to know how she became a goddess! Sorry, no, I don't care yet that she's a goddess. Besides that, it feels like a set up for a flash back (was it?)

“No Mammy. No pappy, poor little bastard. Money? You give Money?” – Paulo Baciagulupi
I'd read to the next line, at least.

“Greta’s with me when I pull Suzy out of the surge tank” –
Alastair Reynolds
I liked this one--I would read on. There's a sense of immediacy and an instant connection between the characters--the narrator, Greta, and Suzy. For me the hook is what Greta has to do with the other two--why is she worth mentioning? Hints at conflict/ tension.

“When I enter the office, Dr. S is leaning against the desk, talking eagerly to the dead girl’s parents.” – Daryl Gregory
Present tense... but I would probably read on.

“Kelly MacInnes was pretty, prettier than I expected. She had the sort of husky blonde beauty I associate with the upper Midwest. Or in this case the Canadian Rockies” – Jay Lake and Ruth Nestvold
Nope. Not interested in husky blondes. I find this opening really flat and cliche.

“The dinosaurs looked all wobbly in the summer heat, shimmering up from the pavement” – Michael Swanwick
I would definitely read on. I'm guessing these refer to the La Brea Tar Pits in LA. The imagery and voice are what attract me here.

“The human male had lived on the on the avenue for thirty-two years” – Robert Reed
The concept of "human male" feels intriguing, but is so dry it feels like it's going to suck the moisture from my eyeballs. I might read to the end of the page but I'm not particularly drawn to it.

“When you say that it’s Providence that brought you here” said Qasim, “what I hear are two things: it’s bad luck, and it’s not your fault” – Ken McLeod
I like the attitude of the speaker. Also, it hints at conflict.

Feels overwritten. Why doesn't he just tell us "the pigeon flew"--why "messenger"? It feels too fantasy.

“The client looked at his watch and then at Logan, raising an eyebrow. Logan nodded and spread his hands, palm down in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture. The client shook his head and went back to staring at the clearing below. His face was not happy.” – William Sanders
I'd probably read on, though I'm a bit put off by the very distant voice and the fact that he's not telling us what's at stake.

Wow, reading back on these, I realize I'm pretty tough. I also think at this point I have little sense of what sorts of openings attract people. Stuff that I like I never see, or people here don't like (not necessarily just my stuff, either); stuff I see published I read and think it's ho-hum, at best. Go figure.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited February 14, 2008).]

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

For short stories at least, I'm guessing it's not what you like, nor what I like, not even what the majority opinion is here. It's what those jaded slush pile readers like and that's hard to predict from down here with the rest of the frogs at the bottom of the well.

A lot of the published stuff that gets collected may have sold on the byline rather than the first line. Sigh. Just to mess up my trying to figure out "what" sells.

Still, I'm ready for the next ten openings.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 14, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

quote:
For short stories at least, I'm guessing it's not what you like, nor what I like, not even what the majority opinion is here. It's what those jaded slush pile readers like and that's hard to predict from down here with the rest of the frogs at the bottom of the well.

I'd like to think that, because it does make me feel better, but I think there's a correlation even here between popular "first 13's" and the posters who get published. Also, there are a heck of a lot of pubs out there, something for almost everyone, I suspect.

Posted by smncameron (Member # 7392) on :

Your work is pretty popular here Annepin

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Hm, so does that disprove my theory, since I've never been published? Though I've never actually submitted so the data is in valid. Also, I think you give me too much credit. A few of my pieces were popular, coinciding to when you started posting, I think.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

So...(I sit tapping my foot) where are the next ten openings for us to chew over and spit out?

Posted by Jeff M (Member # 7828) on :

Well, I just arrived here, so I'll put in my CDN$0.02

“I remember the night I became a Goddess” – Ian McDonald
I like things that come out of left field. While this might turn out to be gimmicky, it's quirky enough for me to read on.

“No Mammy. No pappy, poor little bastard. Money? You give Money?” – Paulo Baciagulupi
This feels like 'dialect'. Not a big fan of 'dialect'. It makes me think this would be a difficult story to read and would require too much effort.

“Greta’s with me when I pull Suzy out of the surge tank” –
Alastair Reynolds
I agree with other comments above. I'm very curious to see what happens next. The writer has managed to create a lot of intrigue in just a dozen words.

“When I enter the office, Dr. S is leaning against the desk, talking eagerly to the dead girl’s parents.” – Daryl Gregory
Why "eagerly"? That's the hook for me. If it wasn't for the eagerly, I'd pass.

“The dinosaurs looked all wobbly in the summer heat, shimmering up from the pavement” – Michael Swanwick
Well, I'm a sucker for dinosaurs, so right away I'm interested. The only problem I have with this is that I can’t picture dinosaurs shimmering up from the pavement.

“The human male had lived on the on the avenue for thirty-two years” – Robert Reed
It feels like the writer is trying too hard to be bland.

“When you say that it’s Providence that brought you here” said Qasim, “what I hear are two things: it’s bad luck, and it’s not your fault” – Ken McLeod
Not particularly grabbing, but intelligent enough to raise my interest. I don't like the name Qasim though... a "Q" without a "U" just ain't right.

“A messenger flew above the alleys of Tyre, skirting the torn green heads of the tallest palm trees. With a flutter of wings, it settled high on a stony ledge. The pigeon was quickly seized by a maiden within the tower. She gratefully kissed the bird’s sleek grey head.” – Bruce Sterling
I like classic fantasy. This feels like safe, comfortable classic fantasy. Considering the author, it may not turn out to be that way, but I'll go along for the ride.

“The client looked at his watch and then at Logan, raising an eyebrow. Logan nodded and spread his hands, palm down in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture. The client shook his head and went back to staring at the clearing below. His face was not happy.” – William Sanders
I'm confused. And the line "His face was not happy" turns me off. Right away, I'm thinking of a 1000 things his face is not.

Jeff.