I am requesting a critique of my query letter. This is the standard format. I have tweaked it to appeal to specific agencies or agents. Thanks.
Dear [Agent],
According to your page on the [agency]’s website, you are interested in young adult fiction novels. My novel, Beastwatcher: The Shifters, is just that with an added supernatural and romance element.
Beastwatcher: The Shifters is a story about Alex whose curious, stubborn nature draws her to Jason Nichols, a boy with an interesting secret.
Despite being the daughter of an alleged murderer, Alex has an intense desire to leave Cretice, her hometown. The town harbors terrible memories for her until the Nichols family arrives and helps her reveal a deeper longing for a close family of her own.
Alex is drawn to one of the Nichols boys, Jason. His snarky, smooth personality intrigues her. Once she discovers that he is a Shifter—a person with the ability to transform into a beast—Alex becomes even more attached to Cretice and to Jason.
As another family arrives in Cretice, Alex again finds herself attached to one of the sons, Zayne Lynch. Zayne, with his cheerful, childlike personality, is also a Shifter. Now, Alex is caught between the two boys.
As Jason begins an internal struggle of his own, Alex’s love for him and Zayne complicate things even further. With their enemy closing in, Alex, Zayne, and Jason must overcome their personal issues and feelings in order to defeat the enemy, the Raeders—men who have been hunting the Shifters, and beings like them, for generations.
As Alex dives into the world of Jason’s kind, she discovers that she and her family may have secretly been a part of it. With this newfound knowledge, Alex is determined to do whatever it takes to protect the citizens of Cretice.
This story, which takes place in a modern-day small town, runs at about 67,000 words. Again, the genre of my novel is young adult fiction with a supernatural and romance element.
Thank you for considering my submission. I look forward to hearing from you.
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
quote:Originally posted by Brooke18: I am requesting a critique of my query letter. This is the standard format. I have tweaked it to appeal to specific agencies or agents. Thanks.
Dear [Agent],
According to your page on the [agency]’s website, you are interested in young adult fiction novels. My novel, Beastwatcher: The Shifters, is just that with an added supernatural and romance element.
I really wouldn't start with this. Agents know what kind of books they're interested in. Get to the good stuff--you're story.
Oh, and never, never, say "fiction novel". All novels are, by definition, fiction.
quote:Beastwatcher: The Shifters is a story about Alex whose curious, stubborn nature draws her to Jason Nichols, a boy with an interesting secret.
Strike this. Completely unnecessary.
quote:Despite being the daughter of an alleged murderer, Alex has an intense desire to leave Cretice, her hometown. The town harbors terrible memories for her until the Nichols family arrives and helps her reveal a deeper longing for a close family of her own.
Okay, fair enough start, except for the "Despite being" part. I'd think that would give her even more reason to leave a small town where that's what she's known for.
I would break the last sentence into two to give the entrance of the Nichols family into her life more emphasis. It's kind of lost now.
quote:Alex is drawn to one of the Nichols boys, Jason. His snarky, smooth personality intrigues her. Once she discovers that he is a Shifter—a person with the ability to transform into a beast—Alex becomes even more attached to Cretice and to Jason.
Okay. But why? What about his being a Shifter makes her even more attracted to him? Because right now this is counter intuitive.
quote:As another family arrives in Cretice, Alex again finds herself attached to one of the sons, Zayne Lynch. Zayne, with his cheerful, childlike personality, is also a Shifter. Now, Alex is caught between the two boys.
Phrasing it just like this makes Alex seem awfully (unlikably) fickle.
Also, I'm wondering if it isn't a serious coincidence that two shifters just happen to move to the same small town.
quote:As Jason begins an internal struggle of his own, Alex’s love for him and Zayne complicate things even further. With their enemy closing in, Alex, Zayne, and Jason must overcome their personal issues and feelings in order to defeat the enemy, the Raeders—men who have been hunting the Shifters, and beings like them, for generations.
Way too vague. What internal struggle? This is the first time an enemy has been mentioned. And, if this story is about Jason's internal struggle, I have to wonder why it isn't his story instead of Alex's.
quote:As Alex dives into the world of Jason’s kind, she discovers that she and her family may have secretly been a part of it. With this newfound knowledge, Alex is determined to do whatever it takes to protect the citizens of Cretice.
At this point, I'm not surprised that her family has something to do with the Shifters. But it's still pretty vague. How does this struggle affect the (supposedly non-Shifter) citizens of Cretice?
quote:This story, which takes place in a modern-day small town, runs at about 67,000 words. Again, the genre of my novel is young adult fiction with a supernatural and romance element.
Substitute the title for "This story" and just include the genre and word count once. This is probably YA paranormal or YA paranormal romance, if you want to specify that element.
quote:Thank you for considering my submission. I look forward to hearing from you.
Cut the "I look forward to hearing from you." "Thank you for your time and consideration" or something similar is usually sufficient.
Overall, it's too long. 250 words, give or take, is usually the sweet spot for a query.
Generally, try to structure the query to answer three questions:
Who is the main character and why should we care about him/her?
What is the conflict? Or what choice does the character face?
What are the stakes? Or what are the consequences of the choice?
It's also good if you can include some one or two small details that bring it to life and help you show why your story is different from the others.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
I suppose everyone is going to have their own requirements for query letters. Most markets I've perused actually don't want one, or want them to be really short since they're kind of unimportant. Your query seems to be between a pitch and a synopsis, and I wonder if it works as either. It's too long for a pitch, and not nearly long enough for a synopsis.
I would advise holding off on this course of action for a little while. At the same time, I suppose there's no harm and shooting it off to a publisher.
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
I second Meredith's comments and suggestions. To add: The three questions are, in my estimation, crucial though secondary to pivotal, antagonizing events: the event of consequence that poses the central crisis for the central agonist (contestant) Alex that compels her to action.
The stranger comes to town, interrupts Alex's routine, is the story type, a Visitation shape in Jerome Stern's vernacular, that becomes a Gathering shape. Those are the generic events that affect Alex. Specificity is warranted, though. Alex's amorous attractions to the bad-boy Shifters by themselves are antagonizing want events, complicated by two competing suitors; opposed by the Raeders causing anatgonizing problem events.
Alex's private crisis, a moral crisis, is what the story is underneath the High-concept premises, the external want and problem complication events, actually about, its Low-concept premise; that is, Alex's want for a close family (emotionally and medically healthy and meaningful) of her own. Most everything else complicates and hinges upon that singular want. Consider approaching the pitch part, first paragraph from that viewpoint orientation perspective.
Meredith advises a query letter should be at most 250 words. Note that agents screen unsolicited query submissions rapidly, many of them in a short time span. Precise, engaging, brief, succinctly organized language is crucial. A pitch part's first few words must grab an agent's interest so he or she reads the rest. Tragic when a query isn't read past the first few words, but common, because weak language and query craft immediately signal the novel the query introduces has identical writing shortcomings, and nothing stands out otherwise.
I advise a query should be at most 125 words, less is stronger. Roughly a half page or less of four parts looks to the eye concise and inviting. Oh, a moment or two to read, not an imposing wall-to-wall, ceiling-to-floor text block, and head and shoulders already above the rest of the day's query queue in visual appearances alone.
The four parts, four short paragraphs: brief pitch, brief complication synopsis, relevant curriculum vitae, marketplace qualifications.
Pitch: at best twenty-five words, what the central agonist's personal crisis is about. In this case, Alex's event want for a meaningful family life of her own, opposed by her reputation as the daughter of a suspected murderer, dreary hometown mating prospects, complicated by strangers come to town. Event, event, event.
Synopsis: at best twenty-five words, what, how, and why the strangers complicate Alex's want, that the stranger suitors are bad boys momma and poppa warn daughters about, though bad boys with hearts of gold, and they are complicated by the Raeders' predations. Give away as much or as little of the High-concept plot as fits; however, strongly imply and leave open Alex's private moral crisis, which is family life at any cost or trial-and-error, independent selective decision-making based on strong, admirable moral values.
Curriculum vitae: at best twenty-five words, if no publishing credits or meaningful, novel-related life experiences, points of interest can substitute: Ambitious breeder Alex seeks exciting romantic contest adventures, for example.
Marketplace: at best twenty-five words, (this is bibliography content), comparables--ideally novels the agent knows but does not represent--emphasize brief description of novel bibliographic dimensions and parameters: word count, if illustrated, other backmatter content, like maps, tables, index, glossary, appendices, etc., and category descriptors.
By the way, supernatural motifs are spiritual belief system motifs, paranormal is cultural belief system motifs. I don't see supernatural motifs from the query, paranormal I do. The term I'd advise for that marketplace bibliography paragraph is young adult romance, paranormal contemporary (or urban) fantasy.
I'd also advise developing exactly what, how, and why Alex's social-moral crisis, a specific event that incites wanting a close family and complicates her life so that what the novel is really about is implied strongly, though not directly, from the pitch and synopsis, the query overall.
I'd say that focus is about Alex's want for exciting romantic adventures complicated by her want for redeeming moral family values. She plays out a popularity pageantry among attractive strangers and violent predations to find a balance between an exciting love life and a stable, healthy family relationship. I see this as a romantic wanderjahre, German meaning wander quest, what apprentices and college students do once they've graduated to journeypersons, though the wanderjahre adventure comes to and incites Alex.
[ May 19, 2014, 06:30 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]
Posted by Brooke18 (Member # 10220) on :
Okay, I just went through and edited it somewhat. I'm very thankful for all the suggestions. It has helped. Let me know how this is.
Oh, and would it be better to paste my novel title and genre at the very beginning or leave it at the end. I would think the beginning would be better. Again, thanks for the help!
Dear Agent,
The daughter of an alleged murderer, Alex Cooper has desire to leave Cretice, her hometown because of the terrible memories it harbors for her. The Nichols family arrives and helps Alex reveal her longing for a close family.
Alex is drawn to one of the Nichols boys, Jason. His smooth personality masks a secret, making Alex wonder why his family is here. She discovers he is a Shifter—a person who can transform into a Beast—and becomes increasingly attracted to the secret of his family.
Zayne Lynch, a member of another new family, tries to worm his way into Alex’s heart. Zayne, with his cheerful personality, is also a Shifter. Finding his open-hearted actions sweet, Alex finds herself falling for him as well.
With Jason losing control of his Shifter abilities, things look grim as an enemy surfaces. The enemy, the Raeders, have been hunting Shifters for generations. With the Raeders advancing, Alex, Zayne, and Jason must overcome their emotions in order to defeat them.
Diving into the world of Jason’s kind, it’s revealed that Alex’s family has been involved with Shifter families for generations. With this knowledge and the Raeders threatening Cretice’s citizens, Alex’s stubborn nature encourages her to take a stand in this supernatural war.
Beastwatcher: The Shifters, which takes place in a modern-day small town, runs at about 67,000 words. The genre of my novel is young adult paranormal.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
quote:Originally posted by Brooke18: Oh, and would it be better to paste my novel title and genre at the very beginning or leave it at the end. I would think the beginning would be better. Again, thanks for the help!
Either is acceptable. I'll admit that my preference is to put it at the end. I prefer to lead off with the most interesting thing--the story. JMO
quote:Dear Agent,
The daughter of an alleged murderer, Alex Cooper has desire to leave Cretice, her hometown because of the terrible memories it harbors for her. The Nichols family arrives and helps Alex reveal her longing for a close family.
Change has desire (which isn't even grammatical) to desires or better yet wants. Comma after "her hometown". Actually, I'd probably advise finding a more active, more engaging way to put this.
As written, the second sentence has no connection with the first. "Until . . ." or "When . . ." could fix that.
Oh, and since this is YA, put the MC's age right up front. "Sixteen-year-old Alex" (or whatever her age is.)
quote:Alex is drawn to one of the Nichols boys, Jason. His smooth personality masks a secret, making Alex wonder why his family is here. She discovers he is a Shifter—a person who can transform into a Beast—and becomes increasingly attracted to the secret of his family.
I still say you need to give a little more here. More of a connection or a reason for a connection.
quote:Zayne Lynch, a member of another new family, tries to worm his way into Alex’s heart. Zayne, with his cheerful personality, is also a Shifter. Finding his open-hearted actions sweet, Alex finds herself falling for him as well.
I'm not 100 percent sure you really even want to include the other boy in the query. Just baldly stating that she's attracted to both boys, without some reason (first boy ignores her/they argue/he scares her/he hurts her/etc.) still makes her seem flighty and less likeable.
Could you substitute something that merely states that through Jason she meets other shifters, including Zayne? Just a thought.
quote:With Jason losing control of his Shifter abilities, things look grim as an enemy surfaces. The enemy, the Raeders, have been hunting Shifters for generations. With the Raeders advancing, Alex, Zayne, and Jason must overcome their emotions in order to defeat them.
Okay. I bet they have to do more than just overcome their emotions. Doesn't even sound like the main conflict.
quote:Diving into the world of Jason’s kind, it’s revealed that Alex’s family has been involved with Shifter families for generations. With this knowledge and the Raeders threatening Cretice’s citizens, Alex’s stubborn nature encourages her to take a stand in this supernatural war.
"It's revealed" is passive voice. Try "Alex discovers" or something similar.
quote:Beastwatcher: The Shifters, which takes place in a modern-day small town, runs at about 67,000 words. The genre of my novel is young adult paranormal.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission.
You're getting warmer.
Now for the challenging part. Try to give a hint of the voice of your novel in the query.
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
I second that the query is closer, still too wordy I feel, forced, unnatural, overstated.
I feel the pitch and synopsis parts are general tangible action, superficial to me.
Depth I think is warranted, succint, implied thematic meaning related to a human moral condition. Again, for Stephenie Meyer's Twilight that is social elitism, which this still I feel too closely resembles. If for no other reason than a "copycat" label could be imposed.
Consider an astute and insightful point Meredith makes above about Alex's fickleness as a social-moral crisis she satisfies, for that depth.
I feel this query exhibits a too great degree of writer surrogacy most represented by Alex's lack of an implied moral crisis and essentially her tangible path as uncontested, though external torments arise she satisfies in a self-idealized progression. I don't mean her physical torments should be more painful; I mean she should undergo a painful maturation, coming of age crisis orbiting around a moral crisis. Relating that to Alex's antihero Prince Charming saviors protecting her Sleeping Beauty fantasy means waking up from her childhood daydream of a knight in shining armor sweeping her away to live happily ever after, (Twilight).
Fickle Alex comes to realize the decision is hers for her woman's empowerment rights and duties. The moral crisis is she enjoys her new-found elitist popularity (Twilight); however (a twist away from Twilight), Alex is conflicted by the amorality of her fickleness causing emotional hurts to others while she matures such that she can make a mature decision, at great personal cost and responsibly bearing those costs to her and to those she hurts from her decision.
Meredith also mentions developing hints of the novel's voice in the query, above. I think most on point there is Alex's emotional attitude toward the moral maturation crises she confronts.
[ May 22, 2014, 05:37 AM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]
Posted by Mark (Member # 10257) on :
I'm my opinion, you should start with the stats and your credentials, and then work into the story summary last. Publishers seem to be more interested in writing skill (how you tell the story) than compelling stories. Your cover letter is an example of your writing skill. For example (totally pulled out of the air):
My story falls into the exotic fantasy genre and is 95,000 words in length. The story focuses on the protagonist's struggle to overcome feelings of mediocrity in an exceptional society.
I have very few writing credentials in the fantasy market, and I appreciate your company's generous submission policy. Professionally, I'm a technical writer for a major electronics company where I develop user handbooks for our products.
In my story, ...
Just my opinion, Mark
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
quote:Originally posted by Mark: I'm my opinion, you should start with the stats and your credentials, and then work into the story summary last. Publishers seem to be more interested in writing skill (how you tell the story) than compelling stories. Your cover letter is an example of your writing skill. For example (totally pulled out of the air):
My story falls into the exotic fantasy genre and is 95,000 words in length. The story focuses on the protagonist's struggle to overcome feelings of mediocrity in an exceptional society.
I have very few writing credentials in the fantasy market, and I appreciate your company's generous submission policy. Professionally, I'm a technical writer for a major electronics company where I develop user handbooks for our products.
In my story, ...
Just my opinion, Mark
Sorry. No. Unless you have some really significant publishing credits, at least. Agents won't care about technical writing at all. If you have no fiction credits, it's better just not to mention it at all. It's your book, not yourself, you're trying to sell, here.
Some agents do prefer to see a query start with the "housekeeping details"--title, genre, length. Others would prefer to see the story first. It's an easy switch to make if you find out which the agent prefers, but none of them will reject your query just for that.
Do spend some time at the Query Shark's blog.
Posted by Mark (Member # 10257) on :
Sorry. Yes. That is, in fact, my opinion.
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
Meredith's advice is based upon established conventions for query letters accepted across fiction agencies and publishers' practices. A query is a form of personal introduction letter with different conventions.
The encomium opening of an introduction letter is usually omitted though implied by the query showing a writer has done the homework of researching the agency's submission guidelines (query format and submission package parameters), what the house represents, which agents represent which genres, and the bibliography context about marketplace comparables and a work's location in terms of genre categories, like audience age bracket, type of fiction, and fiction niche.
A personal introduction written by the person introduced is not cricket, so to speak, at any time: too much singing one's own praises and not objectively proportioned, not interesting to the recipient, and not on point upfront in a stressful, hectic environment.
A query letter pitch and synopsis couched as a personal introduction letter, for example:
Dear Agent,
The opening of Plant Swearer Baris Peterson, 80,000 words, early adult contemporary fantasy.
My Dearest Kensington Hopplewaithe,
Sir, I introduce to Your Excellent Honor the plant swearer Baris Peterson. Your estate's landscape health will be well-served by Peterson's special talents. Peterson communes with plants as you or I may with our servants: hearing their ample complaints, succoring their injuries, and salving their wounded feelings so that they may serve us respectfully.
Peterson needs no special considerations for his living and well-being arrangements, only in so much as the burdens of the many plants rudely lashing him with obscene language and holding him responsible for our alleged many trespasses and abuses, so Peterson claims, that he insists upon frequent occasion to respite.
In no case should Peterson be requested to perform his services any greater time span than six score hours per fortnight, nor in any event permitted more than a seven-day leisure indulgence in every season. Idleness, you would agree, is the devil's work.
In Your Honor's respects, and at your conveniences, sincerely,
Abigail Teague Mople
Thank your for your considerations.
Respectfully,
etc.
[ May 25, 2014, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]
Posted by Brooke18 (Member # 10220) on :
Okay, I am thinking about sitting down right now and working on my query letter some. I found that I had revised it since the last edit I posted. Here's what I have right now. Let me know if it's better than the second edit.
In the midst of a modern-day world, Alex discovers a secret hidden within Jason Nichols and his family—a secret that will unravel the mysteries of the beings known as the Shifters and reveal their enemy’s true intentions.
Alex Cooper, the daughter of an alleged murderer, deals with her difficult life until the arrival of the Nichols family leads her to realize that pieces of her past have been withheld from her.
When she falls for one of the boys, a Shifter named Jason, she uncovers his dark secret. Nonetheless, Alex chooses to join him and his family as they try to protect themselves and her hometown of Cretice from being annihilated by the Raeders—hunters who are after Jason and his family. More secrets are revealed as Alex and her father become more involved in the battle between the Shifters and the Raeders.
Unexpected events will cause trust to be broken, old wounds to resurface, and love to be strained as Cretice is transformed into a battlefield. With the danger escalating, keeping up with the chaos will prove to be a tough challenge for Alex. The only force that seems to be strong enough to stand against the Raeders is the power that lies within the Shifters. If Alex and Jason can’t put their feelings for each other aside, they may lose everything.
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
quote:Originally posted by Brooke18: In the midst of a modern-day world, Alex discovers a secret hidden within Jason Nichols and his family—a secret that will unravel the mysteries of the beings known as the Shifters and reveal their enemy’s true intentions.
I think this paragraph is misplaced and probably largely unnecessary.
quote:Alex Cooper, the daughter of an alleged murderer, deals with her difficult life until the arrival of the Nichols family leads her to realize that pieces of her past have been withheld from her.
I'd start with the paragraph above, but include Alex's age. "Seventeen-year-old Alex", for example. Maybe a little more about what makes her life so difficult. Is she shunned by the townspeople? Dealing with trying to manage on her own while Dad's in jail? What makes it difficult? This is your answer to "Who is the main character and why should I care?"
Also, break that up into at least two sentences.(Preferably more active sentences.) That's 34 words. I once had a law professor (paralegal course) say that there was no reason for any sentence to be longer than 25 words. I think that's a pretty good rule in general.
quote:When she falls for one of the boys, a Shifter named Jason, she uncovers his dark secret. Nonetheless, Alex chooses to join him and his family as they try to protect themselves and her hometown of Cretice from being annihilated by the Raeders—hunters who are after Jason and his family. More secrets are revealed as Alex and her father become more involved in the battle between the Shifters and the Raeders.
That first sentence is doing too much work. Slow down. Alex falls for one of the Nichols boys. Things seem to be looking up until she discovers his dark secret. Specify. Is this secret that he's a Shifter or something else? Right now, I'm not sure.
Now we come to Alex's choice. Give it at least a sentence of its very own and make it clear exactly what choice she's making. Not just sticking by the cute guy. What happens if she turns her back on him?
Likewise the Raeders. This is the stakes--save the Nichols family and, in fact, the whole town. Who or what are the Raeders? Why would the Raeders attack the town?
quote:Unexpected events will cause trust to be broken, old wounds to resurface, and love to be strained as Cretice is transformed into a battlefield. With the danger escalating, keeping up with the chaos will prove to be a tough challenge for Alex. The only force that seems to be strong enough to stand against the Raeders is the power that lies within the Shifters. If Alex and Jason can’t put their feelings for each other aside, they may lose everything.
This whole paragraph is just way too general. And a little trite, IMO.
Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :
Stranger comes to town, routine interrupted, drama ensues. That for me is the kernel of the novel and its pitches, summaries, etc., and for about half of all literature: the other half about a prodigal leaves home, routine interrupted, drama ensues.
Consider focus on Alex as both a coming-out "prodigal" visitor and a receiver of a visitor that interrupts her routine, the antagonizing event of circumstance for this novel's pitch that I see. Start there, at first principles, for developing "telling details" that distinguish the novel from the opus of literature for the target audience, which, initially, is screening readers, like agents and publishers' editors, who, in turn, represent the target audience of readers. Keep the pitch on one crisis point, though, not a scattershot shotgun blast of every crisis Alex has across the novel.
A peculiar young man and his family move into Cretice. Young lady Alex can't help being drawn to him--the town's prospects are as dull as wet dishrags. The young man is more peculiar than Alex thought. Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought it back.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)