Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Natural Police: Chapter 2

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Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :

[ March 21, 2014, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :

This is a speculative fiction/urban horror novel I'm currently writing. Comments on this 13 are welcomed, as well as a read of the first two chapters (approximately 6000 words), or just this chapter (approximately 3000 words).

Posted by SASpencer (Member # 10044) on :

I'm glad this is Chapter 2. I had a good sense of the atmosphere and liked it overall. Making it tighter would improve it, for example:

The bus she rode jerked

I don't think you need "she rode" because I knew she was on the bus.

There's a few passive sentences. If you make them active you will juice it up.

Sandy

Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :

Hey Sandy, thanks for the comments.

Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :

*edited above

[ May 01, 2013, 07:21 AM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :

A bit of a revision of the first lines of this chapter.

Posted by SASpencer (Member # 10044) on :

Hi, you'd better put your rewrite into your first post, or post it on another thread and delete this one. People aren't happy when they read the first one, crit it and then scroll and see the second. [Smile]

Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :

groovy