I can start with either chapter. They both seem like poor hooks. Does anyone like either?
Possibility #1: “Oh, crap!” Paper cascaded onto the floor. Several sheets escaped under her desk. Carefully depositing the remaining stack on her desk; she sank to the floor to retrieve the strays; then she realized that she was giving the guy in the cubicle down the row a very good view. The intercom on her desk buzzed directly overhead. “Oh, crap!” She banged her skull in reaction. “Ouch! Okay, already! I’m coming.” She slammed herself into her chair and stabbed the ‘answer’ button. “What!?” There was a short pause; then her friend spoke. “You having a bad day, hon?” “Sorry, Connie. What’s up?”
Possibility #2: I looked down again to reassure myself that my sandals were free from mud, snow, slush, or anything native to New England at this time of year. They were in fact, dry, warm and comfy on my feet. I congratulated myself again and felt a small surge of satisfaction. ‘Mud Season’ in New Hampshire and Maine is inevitably followed by ‘black fly season’ which overlaps ‘mosquito season’ and diminishes only somewhat with ‘deer fly’ season. Kate and I had lived in New England most of our 46 years of married life and considered it home. I didn’t mind the snow and cold until it got all dirty and slushy. Winter there was two months too long. I was free now to break the cycle. In February, I had gone in search of spring and a new reason to live. Maybe they were in St. Augustine.
Posted by SASpencer (Member # 10044) on :
Possibility number one is lively, gives me an idea that the protagonist has a desk job, is named Connie, and comically suggests her day may get worse. However, I don't think starting with "oh crap" is a good idea. Maybe put it after "paper cascaded onto the floor."
Posted by Carl F (Member # 10040) on :
Good idea, SAS. I need to clear up the names of the characters too.
Paper cascaded onto the floor. Patricia blurted,“Oh, crap!” Several sheets escaped under her desk. Carefully depositing the remaining stack on her desk; she sank to the floor to retrieve the strays. The intercom on her desk buzzed directly overhead. “Oh, crap!” She banged her skull in reaction. “Ouch! Okay, already! I’m coming.” She slammed herself into her chair and stabbed the ‘answer’ button. “What!?” There was a short pause; then her friend answered. “You having a bad day, hon?” “Sorry, Connie. Why did you buzz me?” "There are some offical-looking suits here who want to talk to you. Did you do something awful, Pattie, like embezzle a million bucks?" "Connie, do I look like I have a million bucks stashed away somewhere?"
Posted by SASpencer (Member # 10044) on :
That's a better place for crap. This revision is even snappier and clearer. I can't decide if the million bucks comment is cliché or helps describe the character and setting. I hope you get some more opinions on this.
Posted by Grumpy old guy (Member # 9922) on :
CarlF, I'm a bit confused. You're saying you can open the story with either paragraph, but they're in different POV's. The fist one is third person, the second, first.
Phil.
Posted by MikeL (Member # 9138) on :
I would say that the first paragraph is much more lively and has enough meat to hook someone to the story.
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
I'd cut the first "oh cr@@" out altogether. The reason is that it is repeated later, and that therefore becomes the memorable character trait. This is enough to put numerous people off.
What character traits do you want us to remember / latch onto? Then put these in the opening.
Posted by Carl F (Member # 10040) on :
Phil, The first chapter is titled, "Perfect Layla". It sets the backstory and introduces a person who has some mysterious history. The suits are there to confirm her medical report, that she has never been sick or had a tooth ache, etc. "Practically perfect." Connie calls her Patricia.
I could start with the other one which is where the main characters all meet, then give some background.
Brendan, How's this?
Paper cascaded onto the floor. Several sheets escaped far under her desk. Carefully depositing the remaining stack on top; she sank to the floor to retrieve the strays, muttering in frustration. The intercom on her desk buzzed directly overhead. “Oh, crap!” She banged her skull in reaction. “Ouch! Okay, already! I’m coming.” She slammed herself into her chair and stabbed the ‘answer’ button. “What!?” There was a short pause; then her friend spoke. “You having a bad day, hon?” “Sorry, Connie. Why did you buzz me?" "There are some official looking suits here who want to question
[ April 02, 2013, 04:54 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by MikeL (Member # 9138) on :
That last post Has a much better opening. You got rid of the first "Oh,crap" which helps it to flow better. It now guides the reader to her personality. You can visualize a flustered and frustrated secretarial type girl having to deal with one more problem. I can practicably hear her cursing after hitting her head on the desk. Good job.
The only area that is find distracting is the sentence "Why did you buzz me?" Maybe it's just me, but I don't like the word buzz used that way. It sounds clunky in my head. Maybe it's fine, so don't change it on just my opinion, and if that's the only thing I don't like, you will be fine.
Posted by Carl F (Member # 10040) on :
Mike, The word 'buzz' should clue the reader that this is a relec of the past; that it is background. Modern intercoms don't do that.
The chapter is called "Prologue: Perfect Layla". This should create a bit of suspicion when no one in the piece is called Layla. Suspicion deepens when her name change is challenged by the suits.
I'll attach the rest of it to look at if you are willing.