Some say humor is bad in SF... I'd like some input on the fragment below where one of my main characters is in a hospital. A plague has hit and many are dying... yeah, familiar plot but not my main story. Will is an older guy who has adopted a who give a damn attitude and retreats into classic rock. He REALLY hates songs being interrupted! Anyway, what do you think about the interaction? Is it realistic? Workable? Does it give some insight to my character?
Thanks!
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The music's sudden stop ripps Will from his bliss... he opens his eyes to nurse OHNOYOUREALLYDIDNOTDOTHATBITCH!!
“Time for your pill” she said tersely.
“Why do you always interrupt me in the middle of a song… you know I hate that.”
“Because I really get a kick out of it” came the sarcastic reply.
Bonnie Jenkins learned to be quick and thorough in order to make her rounds. So many streamed into the ward and left almost as fast on morgue gurneys. Will was different though and she actually saw him as a symbol of hope since he had survived well beyond the others. When the plague hit, few even made it to the hospitals let alone a day. Will, and now two women, twins had
[ October 22, 2012, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]
Posted by mobewan (Member # 9749) on :
humour is part of life (or at least my life and the lives I write about), and unless your SF book makes a point out of humour not being present in your setting, then IMHO it should be included wherever it's natural and in character. And it seems in character in this piece.
Liked the section, got a real feel for both characters. Immediately got a view of Will as an old grumpy guy, seen a lot, dissatisfied with a lot. Bonnie came across as some one using humour to keep herself sane, as a defence mechanism against some of the realities she faced. Comments would be - The OHNOYOUREALLYDIDNOTDOTHATBITCH internalised thought didn't quite match up with the '...you know I hate that' spoken comment. Not sure if thats what you were going for, but they seemed distinctly different 'voices'. 'Will, and now two women, twins had gone beyond a day' - sentence seemed clunky had to read a couple of times and still not sure if the two women are the twins... Why did bonnie say the first line tersely? was she reacting to a look on Wills face based on what he was thinking in his head, or is it a follow on from previous lines? Bit picky, but the word seemed more relevant to Will than Bonnie.
Would happily read more about Will and Bonnie ;-) Good luck!
Posted by R. W. Spangler (Member # 9961) on :
Awesome... thanks so much for the feedback! I took your advice and it did indeed make the scene better.
Being new, I'm not quite sure about how the reading works. Any idea?
Thanks again...
Roger
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
“Because I really get a kick out of it” came the sarcastic reply.
I can already tell the reply is sarcastic based purely on the words she says; you don't need to tell me it's sarcastic.
Posted by R. W. Spangler (Member # 9961) on :
Thanks Willy, good point. Did you like the rest or not?
Would you be willing to suffer through the review of a couple of chapters for me?
Regards,
Roger
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
I didn't dislike the rest. I don't think 13 lines is really enough to know if I really love it. All I can really come up with for these 13 line crits is there's nothing here that turns me away. Unfortunately, I don't have time to read chapters right now. I'm a high school English/Drama teacher and this is play season. Normally, I would love to.