Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Ultimate Death (sci-fi)

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Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :

Here is the first 13 of a novel I've been developing for years. It's an epic, spanning 1 billion years. I know, sounds like it can't work, but it will. It will be my greatest story yet, the one I will make name for myself with, if I ever do.

Big if, I guess. Sighs*

All thoughts welcomed.

It was my 501,000 life living as a humanoid, which is not to say human, for humans didn't exist yet.

I ran through Main City, rushing to meet Aditi in time. She hated when I was late. As I sprinted under a skycar, a vision ceased me again. Not now, I thought. My feet fumbled as I grasped my head and fell to my knees. Then the world around me began to be erased by the vision. The complex scene of skycars and people walking the many levels of the city faded. The voice of a holographic sales man faded. The spiced aroma of Chutlam noodles faded.

Then the Overmind appeared before me with all his radiance ...

[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited October 18, 2011).]

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

Interesting world you're building. Here are my thoughts.

quote:
It was my 501,000 life living as a humanoid (if humans don't exist, would they use the term humanoid? Shouldn't there be a better term to describe what she is), which is not to say human, for humans didn't exist yet. (So I'm guessing this isn't earth)

I ran through Main City, rushing to meet Aditi in time. She hated when I was late. As I sprinted under a skycar, a vision ceased (siezed?) me again. Not now, I thought. My feet fumbled (Not really sure how feet can fumble) as I grasped my head and fell to my knees. Then the world around me began to be erased by the vision. (I think you can cut this line since you describe it in the next, feels redundant)The complex (cut complex; it adds nothing) scene of skycars and people walking the many levels of the city faded. The voice of a holographic sales man faded. The spiced aroma of Chutlam noodles faded. You use faded at the end of three sentences in a row. Gets kind of repetitive)

Then the Overmind appeared before me with all his radiance ...

Interesting. I think there would be a little more tension if there was some hint of what the vision means. Is it like her parent calling her on a cell phone, or a boss calling her in for work, or something more sinister?

But so far, it is a good start.

Good luck with this.

Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :

It was my 501,000 life living as a humanoid, which is not to say human, for humans didn't exist yet.

[Two comments here: (1) the sentenced is weakened by the repetition of life/living. One or the other can be deleted. Also, if humans didn't exist yet, why would the narrator describe himself as "humanoid"?]

I ran through Main City, rushing to meet Aditi in time [This could be stronger if broken into two sentences. You could replace the relatively weak "rushing to meet with either a stronger verb or internal monologue that conveys the same info but also tells us more about the character. Also, given the time-related oddness of the introduction, the phrase "in time" here is confusing.]

She hated when I was late. As I sprinted under a skycar, a vision ceased me again. [Seized? Ceased, if intended, needs more explanation] Not now, I thought. [The penetration is deep enough that I'm not sure "I thought" is needed]

My feet fumbled as I grasped my head and fell to my knees. [This sentence also could be stronger if restructured to avoid the "as" construction].

Then the world around me began to be erased by the vision. [This would be stronger if restructured to use an active verb with "vision" as the subject, instead of passive]

The complex scene of skycars and people walking the many levels of the city faded. The voice of a holographic sales man faded. [The "holographic sales man" kind of sticks out. I assumed it had some special significance, then realized it was just an example of the narrator's senses being overwhelmed. I'd either drop this, or reword the "complex scene" sentence to make it a series of examples without the general declaration] The spiced aroma of Chutlam noodles faded. [Same]

Then the Overmind appeared before me with all his radiance ... [This struck me as cheesy, but, in fairness, it might be perfectly fine if not for the 13-line mandatory cutoff.]

Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :

Thank you for the comments. [Smile]

I really appreciate them.

Since I posted this, I have really changed the beginning a lot. I will post the new version.

NEW VERSION II

It was my 501,000th life as a humanoid, which is not to say human, for humans didn't exist yet. My name was La'eto.

I exited the arched doorway of my flat onto level-six walkway after receiving a message from Aditi to meet her in Section Zero in exactly fifteen minutes. Of all places, why Section Zero, why Dead Zone? I had no clue. It was unlike her. I managed to keep myself calm and not let my thoughts race over all the bad things that could have happened.

At first, the yellow light of the sun made it difficult to see until my augmented eyes artificially adjusted themselves. My face still tingled from the temporary nanite reconstruction on my face ...

Posted by EmilyS (Member # 9447) on :

Humans didn't exist yet. This is intriguing, but makes me wonder how there can be humanoids without humans.

My name was La'eto makes it sound like his name changes every new life (which is great if that's what you meant).

after receiving a message from Aditi to meet her... This part makes the sentence clunky. Is all of that information necessary?

I had no clue. I would cut this; it's redundant after the question.

Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :

Thx Emily.

Posted by The_last_lifeline (Member # 9698) on :

t was my 501,000th life as a humanoid, which is not to say human, for humans didn't exist yet. My name was La'eto. [My favorite line! It personalizes the idea that he has lived 501,000 times, because with each life he seemed to have a name and an identity. He is now familiar, even though he is foreign. Also, depending on what significance "501,000" already has, an interesting idea might be to make it "501,001." The number would feel less rounded, subtly suggesting that the life we will care about is the one that matters.]

I exited the arched doorway of my flat onto level-six walkway after receiving a message from Aditi to meet her in Section Zero in exactly fifteen minutes. Of all places, why Section Zero, why Dead Zone? I had no clue. It was unlike her. I managed to keep myself calm and not let my thoughts race over all the bad things that could have happened. " [What sort of bad things could have happened? This sentence implies that he failed, because he was consciously aware of not thinking of them. This could be a good place for a clue more ominous than "bad things" to add foreboding to these first 13 lines.]

At first, the yellow light of the sun made it difficult to see until my augmented eyes artificially adjusted themselves. My face still tingled from the temporary nanite reconstruction on my face ...