I don't have anything to exchange at the moment, but I do enjoy reading YA/MG stories and would gladly share my impressions/suggestions.
quote:
"Rolf?" Valeriah pronounced his name carefully, even though it didn't have any of the soft ess sounds in it that were so difficult for a dragon's tongue and throat to produce without hissing."Hmm?" Rolf answered, opening one eye. He lay stretched out on the beach, napping and digesting the cow they'd shared for lunch, resting before her afternoon flying lesson.
"How long iss thiss going to take?" Damn, those esses were hard.
"Which this is that, sweetheart?"
"Learning to be a dragon."
Rolf stretched out his huge golden wing to embrace her and reached out with his long neck to rub his chin along her neck. "Most dragons take about ten years to master a new form."
Rolf was always a dragon.
Overall, I really like it. It’s easy to read and intriguing. So, only a few technical nits.
I think you could cut the ‘in it’ in the first sentence. It reads just fine as ‘it didn’t have any of the soft ess sounds that were so difficult…’ In fact you could continue with just ‘for a dragon to produce without hissing.’ I guess it’s personal preference on that one.
Second, the ‘he lay napping’ sentence got a little long. The napping and digesting were great and made me chuckle if I stopped there. But the ‘resting before…’ just seemed to push it over the edge toward run on. Any way to put the flying lessons in its own sentence?
Lastly, I think the last sentence could be shortened to ‘Rolf stretched out his huge golden wings to embrace her, and rubbed his chin along her long neck.’ Or something.
But, like I said, most of this is just nitpicks and I think it could work just fine as is. Love the concept and the witty delivery of the difficulties of being a dragon. I’d read for you if you want (in fact I was rolling around the idea of a YA/MG chapter exchange group. There seem to be a few of us here. Interested?).
I only have two nitpicks:
- I would prefer the word 'drowsing' over 'napping' since Rolf seems somewhat alert.
- The opening lines are dialog and I always feel a bit put off when a book opens this way. It's not necessarily a bad way of starting, but it doesn't always hook me. So I am on the fence right now.
Edited to add: I will more than happily read more I don't have anything to exchange at the moment, but I do enjoy reading YA/MG stories and would gladly share my impressions/suggestions.
On that note I would like to plug Google Documents. If you're not familiar with it, it's a great little add-on to a gmail account. It lets you upload a word/text document and have shared settings for collaboration/editing. Here's some more info on how it works - http://www.google.com/google-d-s/tour2.html
[This message has been edited by redux (edited September 27, 2011).]
quote:
But, like I said, most of this is just nitpicks and I think it could work just fine as is. Love the concept and the witty delivery of the difficulties of being a dragon. I’d read for you if you want (in fact I was rolling around the idea of a YA/MG chapter exchange group. There seem to be a few of us here. Interested?).
Thanks RoxyL and redux. This is still only on chapter four, so maybe not quite ready for an exchange yet. It's also not quite YA. Maybe more New Adult.
However, if you do want to start up a YA/MG exchange, I have another that I'm working on simultaneously that is MG. Might give me some incentive to work a little harder on that one.
Edited to add: No to Google docs. The last time I checked their fine print, they claimed certain rights I'm not willing to cede.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited September 27, 2011).]
quote:
No to Google docs. The last time I checked their fine print, they claimed certain rights I'm not willing to cede.
Really? I'm going to read those now. Thanks for the heads up.
Edited -
wow Google.. I don't like you anymore:
11.1 You retain copyright and any other rights you already hold in Content which you submit, post or display on or through, the Services. By submitting, posting or displaying the content you give Google a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free, and non-exclusive license to reproduce, adapt, modify, translate, publish, publicly perform, publicly display and distribute any Content which you submit, post or display on or through, the Services. This license is for the sole purpose of enabling Google to display, distribute and promote the Services and may be revoked for certain Services as defined in the Additional Terms of those Services.
A million thanks Meredith for alerting me to this!
[This message has been edited by redux (edited September 27, 2011).]
But I have nothing to say. Personally I like it just the way it is. Especially if it is suppose to be Romance as well as UF or paranormal. It flows nice, it gets the point across, especially if you have read the first book but even if you haven't I think the reader will get what is happening.
The last sentence does seem a bit long with the dialogue added to it but in book form I don't know if that would be a problem.
My nit:
The "reached out with his long neck to rub his chin along her neck" part made me stumble due to the neck/neck repetition.
I'm always up for crittable things. I think I still owe you some.