Momma taught me to blend in; appear human. The more human we tried to be, the less stress we had from the Hunters. We avoided unwanted attention by following a strict set of personal rules. Unfortunately, Momma had been gone for several years now. She just never came home one night; I was thirteen years old. Now, I was going to break the most important rule she had ever taught me; don’t ever do anything that will get you noticed.
I know being half Demon is not exactly a ringing endorsement on my behalf, but it does have its benefits, as well as its drawbacks. Being half Fairy might sound better, but it’s not. Fey can be just as evil as any Demon; sometimes much worse. I constantly fight against my darker nature which can make blending in hard. There are days, like today, when I can use this part of myself to do some good and possibly save innocent lives.
This is the updated version with the complete second paragraph. Please let me know what you think? Does it make you want to read more?
[This message has been edited by belindamarie (edited September 12, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by belindamarie (edited September 13, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by belindamarie (edited September 27, 2011).]
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
You can probably add another paragraph, belindamarie, or six more lines anyway. What you've posted is only 7 of the possible 13 lines you can post.
Posted by MDBHarlan (Member # 9557) on :
I think the concept seems interesting/fun. I think that the first paragraph works well. I am not sure about her stating her name/rank/serial number in the next paragraph, it doesn't seem to fit. Could you get those ideas across while telling the story? Of Course, if you are trying to tell a story in that "old private-eye story" way then you are probably on the right track.
editing to add. Do you want a reader?
[This message has been edited by MDBHarlan (edited September 13, 2011).]
Posted by belindamarie (Member # 9645) on :
I have only finished the first four chapters so far, but eventually I would like a reader. Thanks for the feedback. I will look into that second chapter issue.
Posted by mythique890 (Member # 8586) on :
I also think your first paragraph is good, your second needs some work.
And when I read the name "Althea," my mind immediately jumped to Robin Hobb's Liveship Traders series. It's her MC's name, too.
Posted by belindamarie (Member # 9645) on :
I went to a baby naming site and picked the name because I liked it. I will work on that second paragraph tonight. Kids are up and running right now so not possible yet.
I have taken the name of my character out of the second paragraph and introduced later on in the chapter. It does seem to fit better this way. Thank you.
[This message has been edited by belindamarie (edited September 13, 2011).]
Posted by RyanRussellLunde (Member # 9649) on :
I think it's great, a classic intro in the genre. I couldn't help but imagine it in audio book form, hearing the voice of the MC, it reads very nicely and definitely takes on a life of its own immediately. I would love to read another chapter or two.
Posted by belindamarie (Member # 9645) on :
I will send the first two chapters through your email. It is still a work in progress and I am bouncing around with a couple of different possible titles.
Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :
Nicely done. I'm glad I got the more complete version.
Not much I can say though. It flows, you get the point across with some of the problem. You might try to get rid of at least one was and the had been but I don't know if you can since you're talking about what happened in the past. The last sentence could be better. I don't have any suggestions but something is off. Too long maybe, the verbs maybe, sounds too passive? (Shrug)
That's it.
Nice reference to half feys... don't know if you did it on purpose but it's like a comment on the usual UF books even though this would not be the first half demon.
Posted by belindamarie (Member # 9645) on :
thanks. I see what you mean about the was thing.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
hello. this is an interesting beginning. i am interested in reading the first 20 pages or first chapter.
Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :
The first paragraph gets me to want to read more. The second paragraph, not so much. I would start the story with the second paragraph, and slowly feed in the information that is now your second paragraph.
I don't like to wait long before a character is doing something. Once a character is doing something, between her actions, you can add the introspections, narative, etc.
Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :
The first paragraph is interesting. The second feels like a step backwards, another introduction. Keep the first paragraph, then start the story. We don't need to know what she is right now. Show us who and what she is as the story unfolds.
JMO. Good Luck.
Posted by The_last_lifeline (Member # 9698) on :
"She just never came home one night; I was thirteen years old."
This feels like a personal confession, but I am not sure to whom it is directed? How old is she now?
I like your story idea, but the narrative is not matching with the style of first-person, IMO. She is presumably not talking to the reader or to a stranger, but to herself. If I am correct, she would not need to endorse herself or defend her lineage. She would be more interested in the story than in details about herself, which she already knows.
Right now, my main question as a reader is, "Why can't she blend in anymore?" Good job on making this feel important.