This looks like 13 lines in my browser, but it seems like quite a lot of text for 13 lines. I hope Kathleen or someone will cut it, if its too much.

[This message has been edited by Crane (edited August 02, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Crane (edited August 02, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 02, 2011).]
 

There's a template for a 13-line post in this topic:

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000004.html
 

I think you jumped too fast from her odd bit of vandalism to "At that moment a man came . . ." Sounded forced, and jounced me out of the story because I was so wrapped up in that bizarre, detailed scene, and suddenly we've got a scene from every chick-flick-in-a-subway, kinda deal. Or something . . . maybe it's just the clicheness of the phrase "at that moment," itself. "when suddenly . . ." "just then . . ." that sort of thing.

Also, does the homeless man now in some way resemble Marilyn, as in she's given him lipstick and such along with Andy Warhol coloring? Or is it just that she Andy Warhol'd him? Because he did a lot more than Marilyn in that style, so I'm just wondering if there's a specific detail Tag added, there. Else, just "like Andy Warhol had gotten at him," or some such, might work just as well. Just IMO, or course.

Finally, on a completely different note--hey, I've only just noticed that the size of the post box here in Firefox, at least, is adjustable! I usually use Chrome. Wonder if it's there, too, and I've never noticed, or what . . . ? Anywho, that might explain the overly long post.

Much luck, Crane. I'm terribly curious to read more about a magical graffiti artist of homeless people. Such an odd place to start . . .
 

So I'm going to try again with a different point in the story for the 13 lines. Maybe this one is better? Let me know what you think. (I think I understand what we mean by 13 lines, now. the problem is less with my browser and more with me being a thick-head.) If you want to know more about Tag, there's a character interview open for her and her friend, Claudette. You can find out more there. I have a few pages written explaining the premise of the story which would answer your "what's with the homeless guy?" question. Is that appropriate to post here or not? I don't know how much explanation I should do with the premiss. I don't know if I should and let you have fun figuring it out (which would also test if I'm communicating my ideas well or not), or if it'd be more helpful (to me) to give it all away so you can see where I'm trying to go. Advice?
ok, here we go with 13 different lines:
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A red-head waited for a bus, one shoulder pulled low by the empty baby carrier in the crook of her arm. A grandfatherly man squinted at the space between his fists, just wide enough to hold a newspaper. On a bench, a woman in a suit, knees together, blew on a mug of dirty rainwater. Nothing moved, except Tag who trudged through them, hands in pockets.

A skater slalomed around the frozen figures. He picked up his board and trotted beside her. "Hey girl," it sounded practiced, "you going to Ustathi's talk tomorrow?" She raised a skeptical eyebrow but didn't stop. He waved at her back, letting her go ahead. "I'll see you there, then?" She shrugged without looking back. He hopped on his board, pushed off, leaned left and bumped fists against the man without a newspaper. "Flex wins!"

[This message has been edited by Crane (edited August 03, 2011).]
 

The writing was good overall. One suggestion I could offer is to vary your sentence beginnings somewhat. All but two of the eight complete sentences start with either Tag's name or the pronoun her or she. Makes it read as slightly monotonous. The ideas, though, are terrific.

 

The overpowering smell of wine belched from the storm sewer. Slap
---

Also, I really love this BB. I've been here two days, and I feel like I'm learning a lot... and have a lot to learn. And it's fun. Thank you, Hatrackers! Or are you Hatrackies? ^_^
 

I think the first opening works a little better, as far as setting up a scene and getting the reader immersed in your world. It has a tighter focus, and so gives me a few details to be super-curious about, as opposed to the second beginning, which, had I not already read the first, would likely have just confused me before finally settling me into the story. Though both angles are quite intriguing. I'd be quite happy to see the second opening come up right away as the scene after the homeless guy bit, if that's where you wanted to go.

As far as telling me what's going on--I'm definitely interested in finding out, but in that ideal way that makes me want to read more, as opposed to needing you to really explain anything up front. Unless you would like critiques on the storyline, or query, or whatever. I'm happy either way.

BTW, have you ever heard of/read "Max Quick: The Pocket and the Pendant"? In that story time has frozen for all but a handful of kids, who run around trying to take care of themselves while grown-ups stand there like mannequins . . . Not to say, by a long shot, that I think your idea's "been done," or whatever. Just a similarity I noticed. I'd love to see what you're doing with it.

Oh, also, your revision of the original opening is quite good. You addressed every issue raised so far, from what I can tell, and while I hadn't even noticed the sentence structure bit that Wireless pointed out, now that you've fixed it the writing definitely flows better. (Despite the odd hyphens in half the compound words . . . I'll take that as an artifact of copy-pasting. ) Also, I like the "puffy graffiti letters." Which were there before, I suppose, but I noticed them more this time . . . probably because they "blossomed."

So, yeah. Props.

[This message has been edited by Tryndakai (edited August 03, 2011).]
 

I do want a critique for the storyline. Its really a huge challenge for me to create plot. I've been struggling with it for months (not in a very dedicated way, however). I have a lot of scenes written, mostly near the beginning, some scenes sketched later in the story... but my plot isn't really well in place, yet. I only really have beginning, middle, end. I know that's no way to run a railroad; but what can I say, I'm learning.

I have not heard of Max Quick. There is also an episode of ST:TNG (Timescape) that uses this device.

The odd hyphens are my attempt to get more words into 13 lines. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that? Is it cheating?
 

Here are the candidates:

Human heroes and uncommunicative aliens must work together to reverse a temporal apocalypse.

A young artist discovers she has just the right tools to restart time.

An injured healer must help a sick alien to save a dieing universe.

Two races, so different that communication is impossible, must work together to restart time.

Two universes collide and only by working together can their respective inhabitants save themselves.

A brilliant physicist must solve a paradigm-shifting mystery in a battle against entropy itself.

Earth's last heroes confront the nature of the universe with the help of a mysterious alien race.

When universes intersect and time stops, a mute artist and an alien castaway cooperate to set things right.

After entropy has run its course and time stops, invaders from another dimension give Earth one last chance.

A quirky band of friends rely on each other to restart time and give humanity one more chance.

Humans with powers struggle to communicate with an alien race which holds the key to saving the universe.

A young artist discovers the meaning of existence when she learns to communicate with a strange alien race.

When an aged universe is too tired to take care of its children, help invades from another dimension.

Only by learning the secrets of an impenetrably alien race can Earths last heroes save this cold, dark universe.

Our energy starved universe devours another dimension but only by cooperating with the aliens there can we save ourselves.

A mute artist learns to communicate with a blind alien race to save Earth from an apocalypse that's all-ready happened.

At the end of time, heroes step forward to discover the nature of the universe and give us all one more chance.

An entropy afflicted universe stutters to a stop and out only hope lies in the minds of an alien race so different that communication is imposable.
 

There is just that one 'always' word that caught my attention; "puddle which _always_ formed in his lap on rainy days." Otherwise the passage is mostly description about Tag's actions, but that one bit is about the homeless - who knows there _always_ is a puddle in his lap? Tag has followed the man? Could it not be "into the puddle forming in his lap"? I'm not sure how coherent I'm here, but something there bugs me

Regarding your effort of summarizing the story in one sentence: I didn't get the whole picture or the plot of your story from the discussion, but personally I would go with one of the sentences that emphasize the protagonist. Could be just me, but e.g. "Two races, so different that communication is impossible, must work together to restart time." does not do much for me, since there's nobody there - just two anonymous races.

Sakari

My favorite by far.
 

Sakari, I'm glad that the puddle in the guy's lap bothers you. It "always forms," because the man is essentially a statue. He's sitting there on sunny days and rainy days. The phrase is supposed to make you think that there's something weird going on, so if it does that, then I'm glad. Perhaps there's a way I can make it more clear, though? Should I keep it mysterious at first?