There are also elves, one unicorn and a mystery plus romantic misunderstandings in this novel. And time is running out.

I would send you a chapter at a time, that will give me a deadline to revise one every two weeks to three weeks. I may need that deadline.

So without further advertising here is the opening to "Storm Born".

Trying it over... does this change things to what they should be?
Okay, another try:

I can see things that most people can't. I can see through most glammers and see invisible beings. It's talent I've had all my life. My fiancŽ thinks I should use it to investigate supernatural crimes. She thinks that and my bulldog tenacity would serve me well as an investigator. As I squat down next to a dead girl's body, I feel I'll need all the tenacty I have to catch her killer.
Even though I'm even tempered, I can get stubborn and dangerous when I need to. As I begin to study her body, I figured there's a need. She died elsewhere then dumped in this alley.
It takes a moment to perpare myself to look more closely at the stab wound. My sister and my best friend believe I have this ability because I was born in the middle of a terrific storm.

Okay, I revised it again. How is version three?

I can see things that most people can't. In my case that means I can not only see through most glamours but beings who can turn invisible. It's a talent I've had all my life. As I squat down next to a dead girl's body I think it will come in handy.
My fiancŽ thinks I should use it to investigate supernatural crimes. Regen believes it along with my bulldog tenacity will serve me well as an investigator. As I look the body over I sense I'll need all that tenacty to catch her killer.
Even though I'm even tempered, I can get stubborn and dangerous when I need to. As I begin to study her body, I figured there's a need. She died elsewhere then dumped in this alley.
It takes a moment to perpare myself to look more closely at the stab wound.

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited June 28, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited July 09, 2011).]
 

Please check it out again and see if it's better.

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited June 28, 2011).]
 

Aside from that, here are my thoughts:

It's not entirely coherent--jumping from "My fiance *thinks I should* investigate supernatural crimes," to being in the middle of one such investigation. The "thinks I should" implies that the MC does *not* currently do investigations.

You use a lot more "tell" than "show," explaining what you (the MC) can do, what your personality is like, what you're doing . . . without showing us even a hint of it.

quote:

---

As I begin to study her body, I figured there's a need. She died elsewhere then dumped in this alley.

---

The whole thing is way too distant in voice, what with all the dispassionate "telling," which is particularly odd seeing as it's in first person. Get more into the "now" of it--not meaning present tense. Meaning sensory details--what does he hear/see/smell/feel/taste? How does that make him feel, emotionally? How does he deal with those feelings?

And finally, one very small nit--"glammer" should be "glamour."

Luck.
 

Okay gave it another try.
 

We know how it makes him feel. He's ready to turn violent already.

And I can put in something about his instincts even though this is his first case.
 

Could be another case of pros getting away with stuff beginners can't.
 

I hafta kinda agree with hteadx about taking out the background stuff.

Suggestion: Consider starting with the action – specifically:

I squatted down next to a dead girl's body. Man, I thought, I'll need all the tenacity I have to catch her killer. It was apparent she died elsewhere then dumped in this alley. It took a moment to prepare myself to look more closely at her stab wound.

This starts with action, a problem, something that engages the reader. You could reach out to the reader even further if you gave the girl some kind of sympathetic aspect – is she young? Is she pretty? Is she a minority? Whatever.

Also, if you give the alley a hint of a description, that should give the scene even greater immediacy. For example, make the alley ‘strewn with litter and empty wine bottles,’ or, the alley is behind a bar and stinks of day old beer.

Also, if you aren't a published author, editors cut you even less slack. Consequently, your opening has to be as good or better than that of a published author. It isn't fair, but that's the way life is.

I hope this helps.

Remember the first rule of writing… Write!
MBW
p.s. did you take a look at my first thirteen?

[This message has been edited by mbwood (edited June 30, 2011).]
 

Anyway, I should be able to get the first chapter to you--mostly cleaned up-- in a week if that is fine with you. I say mostly cleaned up, I never find all of the nitpicks and comma mistakes etc..
 

Please check it out.
 

"I can get stubborn and dangerous when I need to. As I begin to study her body, I figured there's a need"

seems to be repeating the same idea that you are trying to get across with the "tenacity" sentences above it.

also the 3rd line.. "I think it will come in handy"
you say about three times in these 13 lines that this special ability will be needed. You could probably say it once and get all the aspects across that you are trying for and move into the scene sooner.
just some ideas. hope it helps.
 

Though I think the tenacity and being dangerous are two different things but I wouldn't know how an editor or most readers would see it,
 

One possible way of maximizing the punch of the opening would be to rearrange the information slightly to backload the backstory and world building, saving them for after the basic situation has been established and the reader needs to know. For example, you could move everything in the first paragraph but the first and last sentence well later in the story. Then we get the right to question facing the protag and why it's important.

Leaving a reader with questions is OK, in fact it's good technique in my opinion, provided that the reader feels he understands *why* the question is worth raising and answering. Its kind of the opposite of bedside manner. Imagine you're sitting in a johnnie on the examining table, and the doctor pulls out a weird and intimidating looking stainless steel instrument. It would be good bedside manner to explain what the device is before it is shown, and then explain again when it is pulled out, and then again as the procedure is done.

You the author can dispense with the preliminary explanations. You pull out the terrifying instrument, stick it under the patient's johnnie and then explain what it is as you use it to probe his body. Why? Because you don't *want* to set the reader at ease. You want him paying attention!

I think the narrator can be excused for adopting a rather terse and tense voice given the opening. Then he can loosen up as he goes through his routine, introducing the limits of his powers, how they differ from other powers, and what his fiance thinks he should do with it. It strikes me that the fiance situation has a certain potential for comedy that could be better exploited with a little higher ambient discomfort level.

Let me know if you'd like more help with this.

[This message has been edited by MattLeo (edited July 12, 2011).]
 

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited July 12, 2011).]
 

But I have read a few novels that started with a statement about the MC before it got to the problem. Sometimes it goes on for most of the 13 lines.

Even though you didn't say anything about it I think the Regin sentence could use some work... to me it sounds too matter of fact or cold.

And I'm not sure if I understand how your illustration of the doctor's bedside manner was meant. Did you mean I did okay or that I did it wrong?

And as to your offer of help. My writing always needs help. I have two readers for this novel. Any others would be appreciated.

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited July 12, 2011).]
 

There's not a rigid, mechanical rule for how to do this. Sometimes I find my interest flagging because there are too many questions raised by an author and I don't know why I should care yet. Other times the author overwhelms me with explanations and jargon I'm not prepared to care about yet. It's a tricky balancing act. While your opening doesn't fall to either extreme, it *might* work better if there were more focus on setting mood.

My suggestion her isn't based on the idea that there is only one correct way of doing this. It's based on a feeling that it *might* be possible for *this* passage to be more compelling. What I'm suggesting is that you experimentally rewrite the first four or five paragraphs to focus a bit more on establishing mood and a little less in background briefing. It's not guaranteed to be better than your current opening, but it will only cost you three hundred words or so of composition.

I think the reason I feel your opening could be improved is that you've posited a compelling scenario. MC encounters a dead body under mysterious circumstances. What should he do? I think the opening might stand out better if you exploited the ready-made drama of that scenario by giving the scene opening a bit more emotional shading. You have an opportunity here not just to launch the story, but to establish a distinctive voice right on the opening page of the story.

My critique style tends to focus on these kinds of issues: voice, characterization, and plot logic. If this is what you're looking for, feel free to send me your MS for a read through. I'll look through the opening chapter at the very least.