“Daddy, what is the sun?” This question, coming from the dry and cracked lips of five year old Lily Nelson, was not one seeking a scientific answer. She had merely heard “the sun” mentioned in the conversations of the hospital staff that tended to her.
“Well sweetie, the sun… I guess you could call the sun the giver of light and life.” Ethan’s voice quivered as he answered. He did not want to disappoint the last light in his life.
“Where did it go?” Lily asked.
By now, tears were dripping from Ethan’s trembling chin. He knew no answer would satisfy his precious daughter. “I don’t know where the sun has gone, but Lily… I know that one day it will return. We must never lose hope.”
Consider slipping this into Ethan’s POV, and do more ‘showing’ rather than ‘telling.’ Make the reader work to understand what is happening. Evoke images of Ethan hovering over his daughter:
“Daddy, what is the sun?” Lily Nelson licked her dry and cracked lips. The five-year old child was not seeking a scientific answer. She had merely heard “the sun” mentioned by the hospital staff.
“Well, sweetie, the sun… the sun is the giver of light and life.” Ethan couldn’t stop his voice from quivering.
“Where did it go?” Lily asked.
Ethan felt a tear trickle down his chin. No answer would satisfy his precious daughter. “I don’t know where the sun has gone, but Lily… I know one day it will return. We must never lose hope.”
As shown under my name in the posting, I'm a new member and an even newer aspiring writer, so don't expect much by way of advice.
I definitely would read on, since in just 13 lines you spiked my curiosity. The child has cracked lips, something you would expect in a hot and/or dry climate. Granted, you can have dry without hot, in extreme cold, for example. Cracked lips make me think of hellishly hot places, though.
So I picture a terribly hot place, without the sun present. Furthermore, the child is 5 years old and just now, in the hospital, hears the word "sun". So the sun has disappeared for quite a long time, but, why was it mentioned often enough in the hospital, for the child to memorize? It's definitely not news, but then again...
Let alone the fact that survival on the planet, any planet, for such a prolonged period without sunlight is next to impossible. Or is there some technology involved that maintains living conditions? And what would that be? How would it work? What kind of power source would drive it?
Last, but not least, Dad's reaction is worth considering. We know his wife or lover is probably dead. That loss of his, is somehow connected to the missing sun. Or is it? Do the tears on his face come from the memory of that loss? If not, then the topic of the missing sun has some recent developments, quite definitely.
Dad knows the sun will return. Who or what can move a star? Or is it just comforting his daughter? Why would she need comforting, she doesn't know what's at stake and she could never miss what she hadn't known.
Yep, it's interesting. Wouldn't mind reading more. Wouldn't mind at all.
P.S. I have no idea what speculative fiction is, but I like what I see so far.
quote:
This question, coming from the dry and cracked lips of five year old Lily Nelson, was not one seeking a scientific answer.
Again
quote:
He did not want to disappoint the last light in his life.
Overall, though, a fascinating start.
Gaisin: Speculative fiction is any fiction in which has some speculative or imaginative element inherent in the world that is explored. So it covers genres from science fiction, fantasy, magical realism, horror (except, perhaps, some psychological horror), alternate history, etc. It doesn't cover stories where the imagination is still locked into reality, eg. most of historic fiction, mainstream fiction, literary fiction, mystery etc.
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