Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Lost Universe

This is topic The Lost Universe in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by JohnColgrove (Member # 9236) on :

I mainly want to know what your first impression was. It's a work in progress, but let me know if you want to read more to get a better idea.

It was afternoon in the auditorium inside Lake Castle, capital of Roahmun. Shadow Master stared ahead in formation and zoned out as Cyphlis, Emperor of Roahmun, talked during a Special Forces graduation ceremony. Around five hundred people graduated including Shadow Master.

To Shadow Master, the graduation ceremony seemed more like he was graduating from college. Other than a band that played a few songs before the emperor spoke, there really wasn’t much celebrating at all. Nevertheless the ceremony was something Shadow Master cannot skip, so he endured it.

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Interesting descriptive work but when do we get into the story or MC? I mean, you have very little intro of the MC or setting, or storyline. Could be a good story after that, but I don't know yet.

Posted by J. N. Khoury (Member # 9361) on :

Just a coupla things:

1. Whoa! Proper noun overload! You're throwing out way too many names in the first paragraph. Do I as the reader need to know all those names right away? Is it absolutely necessary? Then don't bother until it is. Can you get away with simply showing a graduation ceremony for now? At least for the first few sentences, maybe even paragraphs? Otherwise I am reading a list of names and places and not caring about them, because, as PB&Jenny said, I don't know the MC. Make me care about the MC, then I'll care about the rest.

2. Eek, careful on your tenses. Last sentence, for example, should read "Nevertheless the ceremony was something Shadow Master could not skip..."

3. I don't know the rest of the story, so of course I cannot speak authoritatively on this, but it seems an awkward starting place. If the MC is bored with what's going on, chances are the reader will be too. The reader may very well say, "Well, I can see nothing is happening here. Thanks for telling me right away so I can move on to something else." Gotta see action in that first sentence! Hook the reader, draw him in, make him care, and then - only then - give the background stuff. The MC may have to endure the ceremony, but the reader doesn't. And he won't, unless you make him care.

4. Is the MC's name really Shadow Master? I mean, no nickname? Not even "Shadow" or "Master" but Shadow Master? Or is it already a nickname? Just curious. Of course you don't have to explain it in the first 13, but I am kind of hoping the novel isn't going to be rife with "Shadow Master said," "Shadow Master nodded" "Shadow Master really had to pee" etc.

5. Positive note. I like the setting. I like that though it is fantasy (I'm assuming. Or is it sci-fi?) you spice it up with things not associated with the genre, like a graduation, a band, etc. (Unless it is sci-fi, in which the elements wax cliche)

But please, take all this with a grain of salt. I am no expert, just a reader with an opinion

Posted by JohnColgrove (Member # 9236) on :

Thank you for the criticism so far, much appreciated. I will do what I can to fix it now that I know the story actually has problems.

Yes Shadow Master is the MC's real name. It's not apparent why until the middle of the second chapter.

BTW, this story is a Science Fiction and fantasy blend (It's called science fantasy right).

Final thought, I thought the beginning was a cliched beginning, but I couldn't think of a different one. Because of the fact that it's a work in progress it will more than likely change.

Once again thank you for the criticism, I've never gotten any constructive (or even destructive) criticism before so I appreciate this.

Posted by J. N. Khoury (Member # 9361) on :

Since you're just getting started with this piece, perhaps this advice from writer James Bell would be helpful: He says the thing that makes a good opening is summed up in one word - disturbance. "What causes the disturbance is anything that is change or threat of change to a character's equilibrium... Readers will wait a long time for full explanations if you give them interesting or troubling circumstances up front." His golden rule: act first, explain later. He even suggests switching your first and second chapters, as we writers tend to fill chapter one with exposition and not get down to the action till chapter two.

Posted by JohnColgrove (Member # 9236) on :

Hmm, that's some good advice. I might have a few other ideas for a beginning that has a disturbance. It would be rather easy considering how the story continues.

Posted by JohnColgrove (Member # 9236) on :

EDIT: I'm posting this as a new topic

I switched chapter 1 and 2 around. Here is the starts to the new chapter 1. Oh and sorry if I should've created a new post.

It was eleven in the morning and Shadow Master was wide awake, although he managed to sleep until ten thirty. He was wide awake because he was anxious, but not about the graduation ceremony tomorrow. Tonight was the night Druhgin told him the family secret but first he had to walk to the castle courtyard.

Shadow Master walked outside the dimly lit inn with no trouble and proceeded to walk to the courtyard which took about fifteen minutes. After he passed shop after shop he eventually saw the entrance leading to the courtyard. However, before he walked any further, three men appeared out of a dark alley, grabbed him, and pulled him into the alley!

[This message has been edited by JohnColgrove (edited January 13, 2011).]