Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Phrasing help

This is topic Phrasing help in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

Got a phrasing problem in one of my novels.

My MC goes outside during a break at where she works. She is met by a guy she doesn't really like. She reacts out of instinct after years of fighting the bad guys. Vibration is kinda like Laura Gilman's Current or sort of magic.

Here is what I have When the time for my break finally arraived I stepped outside, before I took three steps there he was. My head went up straighter, and my eyes narrowed, he had to have been waiting for me. In an instant I prepared a Vibration net to throw at him but he only wanted to talk.

It's the "head went up straighter" line. I want to say that she stood straighter and her posture moved back without her taking a step backwards. Does that make sense? Any suggestions?

Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :

I think you'd be fine with 'My head straightened...'

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

Her spine straightened or stiffened?

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

I think Meredith has it - stiffened is the right connotation for what you're describing. Reared back is another way to say it, but it's much more active and implies a much stronger sense than just that jolt and double-take that she did when she saw someone who had clearly been staking her out.

Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

Thanks to all three of you.

I might use that last suggestion. I usually say something along the lines of "His head went back, slightly, his eyes narrowed, and he looked more serious." But all that takes a while to read and it sounds funny to say his head right back slightly.

Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :

Yup, I think Meredith gave you the best suggestion with stiffened. Sometimes when I can't figure out the exact word I want I'll put in something close in an online thesaurus, or an online reverse dictionary, and see what strikes my fancy.

[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 06, 2010).]

Posted by coralm (Member # 9274) on :

I like the verb lifted in this connotation too. "My head lifted and my eyes narrowed"

Posted by MattLeo (Member # 9331) on :

I wonder though. Is any of this the way you'd describe what was going on if it actually happened to you?

It's a POV thing. This sounds the way an omniscient narrator would describe the action, not the way it feels to be inside the skin of the person whose eyes were narrowing and spine was stiffening.

Try acting out that part of the scene. Imagine how you'd feel. You'd feel anticipation. Time would stretch out and your senses would become alert an narrowly focused. The change posture is just an *outward* sign of the transition from a relaxed posture to fight-or-flight. Depending on your training you might feel frozen, rooted to the spot, or your weight might shift onto the balls of your feet, your body becomes energized. The narrowing eyes are an outward sign of intense concentration; inwardly you take in the opponent so you see him all at once, yet at the same time the details pop out, like the predatory glint of his eyes, or the hands ominously hovering near where he keeps his piece/wand/ninja throwing star.