Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Unbelievers Realm.

This is topic The Unbelievers Realm. in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :

Here is first thirteen for 'The Unbelievers Realm'.

“Mom! I don’t want to go! I hate going! Uncle Rayel is too weird. He’s not even my real uncle! Why do I have to waist a good Saturday pretending I like being around him?” Descended a resounding bombardment of screeching frustration from a teen girl determined to change her mothers mind by vocal outrage.
From downstairs came an equally frustrated retaliation of a mother at her wits end, “Get dressed! Wash your face! Get your stuff! And you will go over to your Uncle’s and be a civil young lady! You hear me! Civil!”
Wet brown curls looked like Medusa snakes over her angry sixteen year old pale face as Bree appeared at the top of the stairs. Her thin arms held a towel tightly

[This message has been edited by walexander (edited November 24, 2010).]

Posted by DavidS (Member # 9303) on :

The long speech tags didn't work for me. They basically say the same thing as the dialog, so can pretty much be cut.

I did like the Medusa snakes imagery, and I'd be inclined to start with that:

Her wet brown hair curled [coiled?] like Medusa snakes, sixteen year old Bree flounced to the top of the stairs. "Mom! I don't want to go!..."
From downstairs came the reply. "Get dressed!..."

I'd replace "And you will go over to your Uncle's..." with "You are going to your Uncle's..."

Cutting the dialog tags will give you more space in the first thirteen to give us more information, like what's so bad about the uncle.

Minor nit: "waste", not "waist".

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I agree with DavidS. It's nice but the long tags are a little awkward and repetitive. If you want to keep that text, consider making them independent sentences. As written, the first one should begin with a lower case (...descended....).

To further DavidS's comment, perhaps a short anecdote to explain why the uncle is, for example, weird would help. "Just because your uncle collects toad heads doesn't mean...." This would be especially helpful if it advanced the story beyond the argument about going there.

Nits:
change her mother[']s mind
mother at her wits['] end
over to your [u]ncle’s and

Good luck with it.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited November 25, 2010).]

Posted by walexander (Member # 9151) on :

thanks,

Every week I learn something new,

I appreciate you both taking time,

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

Here is my take.

The expostion reads more like stage directions than narrative IMO.

For example:

quote:
Descended a resounding bombardment of screeching frustration from a teen girl determined to change her mothers mind by vocal outrage.

This sounds like telling the actress how to deliver the lines rather than telling us anything about the character.

Like others have said before, most of this is obvious from the dialogue. Same with the dialogue tag from the mother.

This also feels very distant from the characters. We are not getting into the minds of either character.

Is there a reason you are keeping the reader at a distance from the characters? Is there a reason for withholding names?

I am not saying it is wrong to do so, but it keeps the reader from connecting with the characters. And usually, that is what the writer wants.

JMO.

[This message has been edited by MAP (edited November 27, 2010).]

Posted by MattLeo (Member # 9331) on :

Never, ever be afraid of the word "said". It's magical. It gets the job done, yet is so commonplace it enters the reader's mind without leaving any conscious impression. I know it looks repetitive to see all those "saids" lined up, but in fact they seldom register. And said just about never require any kind of amplification, modification, or specification; certainly not anything that is intended to reveal the state of mind of the speaker. The speech itself is supposed to do that.

"Whisper", "shout", and similar replacements are OK if the physical mode of speech is distinctive. Adverbs are almost always unwelcome, especially if they describe the state of mind of anyone else but the POV character. "Haven't seem him since yesterday," she said slyly. OK, if it's *not* the POV character speaking, then how does the POV character *know* the speaker is being sly?

Try to make the dialog stand on its own, and not tell the reader the conclusion to draw ("... a resounding bombardment of screeching frustration from a teen girl..."), because people don't believe conclusions that are handed to them. The explanation eclipses the dialog, which you don't want. Keep it simple, simple, simple:

“Mom! I don’t want to go! I hate going! Uncle Rayel is too weird. He’s not even my real uncle! Why do I have to waste a good Saturday pretending I like being around him?” Bree said.

“Get dressed! Wash your face! Get your stuff! And you will go over to your Uncle’s and be a civil young lady! You hear me! Civil!” her mother said

What I did here was eliminate the stuff which you added to your dialog because you didn't have faith in it (well I also fixed a typo). Stripped of that stuff, the conflict between Bree and her mother pops out much more clearly, in my opinion. It also lays bare the challenge you have in front of you: to make something so commonplace as an emotional outburst by a teenager interesting. Maybe something like this:

“Mom! I don’t want to go! Uncle Rayel isn't even my real uncle! Why do I have to waste a good Saturday pretending I like being around him?” Bree said.

“You will go over to your Uncle’s and be a civil young lady! You hear me! Civil!” her mother said.

"But he's so weird," Bree said.

Her mother hesitated. "Just wash your face and get your things together," she commanded.

[This message has been edited by MattLeo (edited December 03, 2010).]