Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sara first 13 lines, LDS fiction, want feedback

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Posted by tj5to1 (Member # 8575) on :

Please choose between the two beginnings. I am aiming toward 16-21 year olds. First:
The music was pumping, the colored lights were flashing, and Sara Crockett sat in the bleachers of the gym with her best friend Cathy Miller; both eighth graders were nodding their heads to the beat of the music playing at the dance. Today was the day, though, that Sara was going to make her move. When her favorite song came on, she knew it was time. Straightening her spine resolutely she walked up to Jeff Patrick standing with his friends. Looking into his amazing deep brown eyes, she blurted out, "Jeff, will you dance with me?"
A brief look of disgust passed over his face, and Jeff rolled his eyes. "Um, no." Sara felt all the humiliation and hurt that a thirteen-year-old heart was capable of hit her hard.
At least, that's how twenty-year-old Sara remembered it.
Second (thoughts are in italics):
No, way, thought Sara Crockett, shortly after she turned down the frozen isle at the grocery store. Could that really be him? Standing by the frozen pizzas was a tall, dark blond man. If it is Zack Miner, Should I talk to him? He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and my first break up. The last time I saw him, he hated me. Of course, I didn’t exactly have warm feelings toward him, either.
With grocery basket tucked on her arm, she walked closer to the guy and tried to discreetly get a look without getting caught. She saw the name of a rock band tattooed on his upper left shoulder, not covered by his sleeveless shirt. He also sported an earring in his left ear. Sara decided to take a chance and say, “Zack?”

If I take the first beginning, I can just jump to her being twenty, but I don't know if that would be a good move. The second beginning seems not quite as gripping.

Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :

I think the second opening is much more gripping than the first one. Of course, I'm forty-three, not sixteen, but I think your target age group will also be more interested in twenty-year-old Sara than in thirteen-year-old Sara. Especially as they don't have any of the distance required to look back on that time in one's life with nostalgia - it was just yesterday, for them.

Posted by DRaney on :

I also think the second fragment is better. One thing to consider, there is a fairly huge gap between a sixteen year old and a twenty year old where maturity is concerned. A couple of pretty major changes have happened betwixt. I have a 16yo AND a 20yo. One is a high schooler learning how to shave (ahead of the actual need to do so), the other is a Marine who can kick butt nine ways from sunday... so to speak.

The fragment read well enough. A couple of thoughts;
~There could be some confusion between when her thoughts are happening (using 'I'/first person & 'is Zack'/present tense) and when the scene descriptions are written with 'her/was'.
~ 'the guy' sounded out of place; maybe '... closer to him...'
~ you could tighten this a bit by dropping the reference to the sleeveless shirt to combine the two sentences into one; '...upper left shoulder and an earring in his...' or something along those lines.
~ at this point it doesn't have the ring of either SF or Fantasy.

Note; Italics do not transfer from word processing programs, you need to insert them on the post. Click on [*UBB Code is ON] at the left side of the page when you write post.

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Keep it up...

Posted by Jennywinnie (Member # 8510) on :

I certainly think the second version is better. Also, you might have her at first shocked by the face, and then trying to picture where she's seen him before. Maybe he's even more attractive than he used to be. Maybe she doesn't want to like him, but she can't help herself - sort of thing.

I'd be happy to read what you have. I write LDS stuff too, and I'd be happy to swap stories or something. Or not, whatever. Good Luck.

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Yup, liking the second version better.

Here are just a few suggestions.

quote:

Sara Crockett turned down the frozen food aisle at the grocery store. She stopped in her tracks.
"No way," she thought. "Could that really be him?"
Standing by the frozen pizzas was a tall, dark blond man.
"Is that Zack Miner? He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and my first break up." Her pulse quickened. "He hated me the last time I saw him. Of course, I didn’t exactly have warm feelings toward him, either. If it is him, should I talk to him?"
With grocery basket tucked firmly in the crook of her arm, she walked closer to get a discreet look at his face without getting caught. He had on a sleeveless shirt and she could see the name of a rock band tattooed on his upper left shoulder. He also sported an earring in his left ear. Except for those details, he looked so much like Zack. Sara decided to take the chance.
“Zack?”

Posted by redux (Member # 9277) on :

Like the others I also like the second version. I can relate to her situation - turning the corner and bumping into someone you quite didn't expect or want to meet again. Her thoughts definitely come across as more immediate.

I think that you should change this phrase "she walked closer to the guy" to "she walked closer to him." You already established that they have some history together, he is not a stranger, so referring to him as "the guy" makes it impersonal, quite the opposite of the intimacy of thoughts and of the scene that is unfolding.

Also, when she is describing him for the reader, this is a perfect chance for the MC's voice to come across and explain how he has changed. The MC describes him as follows:

quote:
She saw the name of a rock band tattooed on his upper left shoulder, not covered by his sleeveless shirt. He also sported an earring in his left ear.

The reader has never seen him before, but the MC has. From her PoV, what she is noticing are these things of how he has changed physically? In other words, is she noticing these things because he used to look differently from when they were together? Are these changes part of the reasons why they broke up? If so, I think it would be a great opportunity to have the MC have a reaction to these changes instead of a police lineup description of him.

On a final note, you refer to this as LDS fiction and I am curious to know what elements of LDS you are including in your story and how you plan to incorporate them into your writing.

Best of luck!

[This message has been edited by redux (edited December 11, 2010).]

Posted by tj5to1 (Member # 8575) on :

Redux, I referred to him as 'the guy' because she hadn't determined that he was Zack or not, but I've changed it.
And, DRaney, it is neither SF or Fantasy. LDS refers to the Latter-day Saints part of Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, more commonly known as Mormons. I mentioned LDS fiction because I didn't want people to think it was SF or Fantasy.
My target audience is now 20 year olds, give or take 1-2 years.

Sara turned down the frozen isle at the grocery store and stopped short.
'No, way,' she thought. 'Could that really be him?'
Standing by the frozen pizzas was a tall, dark blond man. His posture and profile looked very familiar.
'It might be Zack Miner.' With grocery basket tucked on her arm, she walked closer to him. 'If it's Zack, the tattoo and earrings are new.' The first time she met him he convinced her to hide in the auditorium until everyone had left, and to drive his truck before she had her license. 'My first boyfriend, my first kiss, and he really hated me when I dumped him. Of course, I didn’t exactly have warm feelings toward him, either.'
She decided to take a chance and ask, "Zack?"

But now, I'm asking everyone to choose between the above revised beginning and the one below:

Twenty-year-old Sara Crockett and her best friend, Cathy Miller, were entering the chapel of Jeff Patrick’s home ward, to welcome him home from his mission to Peru.
Why? That was a very good question that Sara wasn’t really sure she could answer fully. She could still remember quite vividly how she felt when, at thirteen, Jeff scoffed at her request for one dance. She could also remember her confusion when he became this nice guy at sixteen and asked her out. But then, their last year of high school, she just couldn’t stand to be around him.
'Am I hoping for closure? Or am I just desperate since breaking up with Brad last week?'

For those wondering what a ward is, it is how the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints refer to different congregations. One's home ward would be the ward you grew up in, or the ward that your parents are currently attending.

[This message has been edited by tj5to1 (edited January 08, 2011).]

Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :

Well, the second would be very familiar to LDS readers but it doesn't have as much of a hook as the first. It depends, IMO, where you want to take the story.

I would love to have a look at it for you. I'm LDS too and would have no problem with the references.

Posted by melindabrasher (Member # 9373) on :

I prefer the beginning below, but it's a little awkward, and I think part of the problem is the direct thoughts (quotes). Consider changing most of them into indirect thoughts. I'll give examples beneath your excerpt.

quote:
Sara turned down the frozen isle at the grocery store and stopped short.
'No, way,' she thought. 'Could that really be him?'
Standing by the frozen pizzas was a tall, dark blond man. His posture and profile looked very familiar.
'It might be Zack Miner.' With grocery basket tucked on her arm, she walked closer to him. 'If it's Zack, the tattoo and earrings are new.' The first time she met him he convinced her to hide in the auditorium until everyone had left, and to drive his truck before she had her license. 'My first boyfriend, my first kiss, and he really hated me when I dumped him. Of course, I didn’t exactly have warm feelings toward him, either.'
She decided to take a chance and ask, "Zack?"

Third paragraph suggestions:
It might be Zack Miner. With grocery basket tucked on her arm, she walked closer to him. If this was Zack, the tattoo and earrings were new. The first time she met him he convinced her to hide in the auditorium until everyone had left, and to drive his truck before she had her license. Her first boyfriend. Her first kiss. Zach had hated her when she dumped him. Of course, Sara's feeling hadn't exactly been warm either.

Another possibility is to write it in first person, making the thoughts a little easier to deal with. That won't work, of course, if you switch viewpoints around.

I like this version better than the first, because you took the advice of a helpful poster and added the details about the tattoo and earrings being new. I also like the details about hiding in the gym and driving without a license. It's a clever way to show us he's a bad boy, but a bad boy within Mormon standards. He didn't get her to try crack or anything.