The following is the first 13 of a story-turned-novel I am working on. I have 6,000 words written of the first draft. Feedback is appreciated.
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Darkness, complete. Hands wrap around cold metal. Arm thrusts forward into unsuspecting flesh. A sharp, gurgling gasp. Warm liquid sprays on face, tastes of iron. A questioning voice from behind rises to anger. Comprehension impulse suppressed. Body pivots, arm snaps, steel flies. Anger becomes murmur. Simultaneous thuds on ground. Retrieve projectile.
Legs move and arms pump. Action potentials modulated, muscular contractions optimized. More questioning voices advance, then recede. A shout from behind, rushing footsteps follow. Body weaves effortlessly between sensed obstacles. Slam into door, gives way to stairwell. The smell of ocean. Ascension and echoes. Hand grabs handle. Arm pulls. Pass through opening. A passenger in his own body.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited July 27, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited July 27, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 28, 2010).]
Comprehension impulse suppressed. [past tense. Maybe 'is suppressed']
Retrieve projectile. [Projectile retrieved?]
Slam into door, gives way to stairwell. [Should be 'slams', since I think it refers to the body, or something singular.]
Pass through opening. ['Passes', if it refers to the body or arm; not clear.]
Good luck
Some of the things you noticed were intentional, however. For example "Retrieve projectile" and "Pass through opening" were written that way to give the sense that they are both orders being given and an actions carrying out those orders. You do call attention to the fact that it is something that won't be very clear in its current form. I may have to scrap that device or find a way to make it less subtle.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited July 28, 2010).]
The problem is that this is difficult to read.
I do like it though. It has a nice flow. I just think it should be shortened, maybe cut the action in half so it is easier to follow. I am hoping the entire novel isn't written this way.
Good luck with this.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited August 08, 2010).]
You are very very close. Its a stream of thought of the combined consciousness of the parasite and host. The parasite has taken control of the host and has intercepted his optic nerves so that the parasite sees but the host does not (Hence darkness complete). This is why there is no visual description in this part. It is essentially controlling him. The host tries to break through but can't. The host and parasite are separated at the end of the scene.
The difficulty in reading is intentional. I am trying to make the reader feel the disorientation of the host.
The novel is only like this for Chapter 1, which is only one page in length. I have 30 pages(three chapters) written so far and would love to have a larger critique if anyone is interested.
I believe in symbiotic(pun intended) writing relationships, so would be happy to critique anyones work as well.
PB
@Doug, thank you, I will shoot you a revised copy of the first 3 chapters once it is ready. Feel free to reply with some of your own work if you are looking for a critique.
It makes me very happy to see you describe the action as blended with the information, as the symbiotic relationship in the story is a very organic one.
@PBJ, I'm definitely NOT going for William Shatner prose here lol, and will definitely want to move far away from that.