Amira
1. THE OLD AND THE NEW (old paragraph)
Asher walked through the revolving doors of the Global News Net building. He stood for a minute in the lobby, watching the people hurry from office to office, . He hadn’t been in this building, hadn’t even been in the city of Cheyenne in ten years. He’d taken a small vacation which he thought was fair after two hundred years of hard work for the Central Court of Magic. Starting a news company had been their genius, it served as a cover for the large amount of staff, but it was also very convenient for disguising the massacres of the magicians that chased that stupid dream of ruling the world. Ruling the world for what ? He thought about it, about how it would feel to rule the world. All those worries, wars and revolutions, the thought alone made him shudder.
1. THE OLD AND THE NEW. (revised)
Asher walked through the revolving doors of the Global News Net building. He stood for a minute in the lobby, watching people as they hurried from office to office to get their work done before the deadline. He hadn’t been in this building, or in Cheyenne in ten years. After two hundred years of slaving for the Central Court of Magic, he’d gone on hiatus. For all that, coming back here didn’t make him feel particularly happy. There was no sense of homecoming. The building had undergone a technological make-over that made it look more like an arcade than a serious workplace. Though, he had to give the CCM credit for even starting a news company. It served as a cover for the large amount of staff, but it was also very convenient for disguising the human casualties of the magicians that chased
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 23, 2010).]
You can't put that note in the story , so maybe you should rank what's important and reorder or chuck some of it. IMHO, it still has some filler.
For example, these are mostly your words, with some trimming and reordering. I added a paragraph break because I think that's important. Perhaps it's shortened enough to add back in the stuff cut by SHMBO:
Asher stood in the Global News Net building after a hiatus of ten years, watching busy people trying to meet their deadline. After two hundred years of slaving for the Central Court of Magic, coming back didn’t make him feel happy. There was no sense of homecoming. The building's technological make-over made it look more like an arcade than a serious workplace.
He had to give the CCM credit for starting a news company. It served as a cover for the large staff and the human casualties of the magicians that chased....
I got the advice earlier that there weren't enough details so I got kind of torn between the two, I'll have another look at it!
For instance, in WouldBe's careful treatment, one word to me is unnecessary: "feel".
quote:
After two hundred years of slaving for the Central Court of Magic, coming back didn’t make him feel happy.
I think we get that it's his feeling. Who else's would it be? Would this read smoother to you?:
quote:
After two hundred years of slaving for the Central Court of Magic, coming back didn’t make him happy.
But, if you wanted (without removing any of the core details) you could distill two more words into one:
quote:
After two hundred years of slaving for the Central Court of Magic, returning didn’t make him happy.
Re-reading this next section, makes me wonder what the "staff" needs a cover for--are they the magi police?--and certain that answer will make me want to turn the page. If you take WouldBe's excellent suggestion of rearranging a few words to make less words necessary, I'll bet you can make two, shorter and clearer sentences out of the last one, and plant an excellent hook.
Again, I hope this helps.
"He didn't relish the idea of returnig now." possibly? to set up his mood?
I would like to know what he's doing there, why he's coming back.
[This message has been edited by AmiraDay (edited July 24, 2010).]
I'm not sensing that. I do, however, like the modernized magic concept. Its a too-often unexplored genre.
You mention that this CCM started a news company. I'd say you should start the story by asher seeing a sudden news broadcast about some sort of tragedy. He then picks up the phone and calls someone, discusses it vaguely, in such a way that the reader doesn't suspect anything unusual and then bam, says something about the magic.
Remember, its all about the hook. A reader will like a potentially interesting premise, but with a hundred other manuscripts to go through, you need something to make him want to read the rest.
Just my thoughts