Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Aftermath of the Walking Dead

This is topic Aftermath of the Walking Dead in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Poramin (Member # 9190) on :

The following is the first paragraph of the first introduction story. I've tried to be descriptive yet to the point but I can't help but feel that it still reads like 'See Dick run' when compared to published works...

At a hospital just outside Chicago, the flashing red lights and screech of tires signaled the arrival of another ambulance. The third in as many minutes, the ambulance was carrying more injured people from the seemingly random violence breaking out across the city. A steady stream of patients arriving on their own was quickly filling the Emergency Department’s waiting area. Katie, the charge nurse for Emergency, had already been informed that two neighboring trauma centers had gone on Bypass. They had reached capacity and were diverting ambulances to other hospitals. Katie couldn't think of what would cause violence on such a large scale.

Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :

Hi Poramin,
I'll take a whack at this.

What you've presented is good info and I see Katie as the MC thus far, but there's a separation between the goings on and her. Make her more a part of the action.

Imagine the show ER. When people come rushing through the doors the camera is there with the doctors, right? It's not in the other room recording one person telling another how crazy things are/were in the ER.

Katie couldn't think...
How about: Katie couldn't imagine... I believe this has the effect of making the musing larger. My level of thinking has a limit to what I already know, but my imagination is endless.

Remove the words seemingly and random and maybe replace them with unusual or record. I think that focuses more attention on the word violence and makes it more mysterious.

For whatever reason the patients arriving on their own felt out of place. You've got ambulances pouring in and other hospitals on bypass. (Bypass?) So, lose the stragglers and focus on Katie and her problem of the ambulances bringing in a lot/too many people.

I assume there's something out there, lurking, which is causing the violence and I'm hooked on wanting to find out what it is. So, if you take each scrap of my above advice, don't lose the mystery of what's going on. Katie doesn't know, and neither should we, but the way it's written makes it clear that this is unusual and no ordinary day. - I think it's the words large scale.

Hmm... may want to lose the words just outside. Why not just have it in the city? Unless it's to focus on the other hospitals that are full, which is ok.

Axe

Posted by Poramin (Member # 9190) on :

Axe,

Thank you for your suggestions. I've already incorporated changes but I have a question.

Katie's story is one of four 'vignettes' that comprise the prologue. When chapter 1 starts, they will not be seen again. Does this violate any style protocols?

Posted by AmiraDay (Member # 9154) on :

Poramin,
I agree with Axe's comments but about the question,
The beginning of a story is pretty critical,
We expect the story to be about the people it starts with
and so by dedicating a prologue to Katy, you raise the expectation(at least in my case) that we will learn more about her as the story goes on.. I think that it would be better to incorporate the, or A main character into the equation because that way the story will be more thruthful.
If I read a book and it started with a little Anekdote about Bob, I think that Bob will be very important for the rest of the story, and if I never hear what happens to Bob, I would feel quite cheated. Because right now I am pretty interested in Katy..
Hope this helps a little!

-Amira

Posted by Poramin (Member # 9190) on :

I see where this is headed. Basically I should pull out those vignettes and perhaps flesh them out into a set of related short stories. Then a new prologue should be built with the actual main characters.

Back to the drawing board...

Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :

I only have a sec, but if you have some DVD's lying around, watch the first three minutes of a few of them.

How many show a character who is not a/the main character in those first few minutes?

Axe

Posted by AmiraDay (Member # 9154) on :

Yes! that's exactly what I mean! But don't worry,
writing is a creative process and it's going to take a lot of revisions before finally hitting the end of the tunnel(at least that's how it goes with me!)

Amira