Daelen stood motionless in front of the forbidden door. He had made his decision the night before but now in the gloomy morning light he hesitated. To call it hesitation was a kindness, he was terrified. Decisions are made easily from the comfort and safety of one's bed, but in the light of day, even gloomy morning light, action was required. He lifted his leg but put it back down without advancing. Perhaps some magical ward prevented him from approaching. He might wish that to be true, but it wasn't. If the door had been warded, his master wouldn't have made such a point of forbidding him to enter it.
He knew nothing about what was behind the door, only that his master spent most of his time behind it, doing whatever it was that magicians did. It had been three days since he had seen
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 17, 2010).]
quote:
Daelen stood motionless in front of the forbidden door. He had made his decision the night before but now in the gloomy morning light he hesitated. To call it hesitation was a kindness, he was terrified. Is there a way you can show us that he's terrified instead of just telling us? Decisions are made easily from the comfort and safety of one's bed, but in the light of day, even gloomy morning light this is the second time in this paragraph you've called it "gloomy morning light", action was required. He lifted his leg but put it back down without advancing. Perhaps some magical ward prevented him from approaching. He might wish that to be true, but it wasn't. If the door had been warded, his master wouldn't have made such a point of forbidding him to enter it.He knew nothing about what was behind the door, only that his master spent most of his time behind it, doing whatever it was that magicians did. It had been three days since he had seen his master. Three times in a row you say "his master". Can you break it up? Cyrus was an old man and magicians die just like everyone else. Cyrus was dead; Daelen felt the truth of it as he said the words to himself.
In general, it feels a little distant. It's something I sometimes struggle with in beginnings, too. I'm not getting the sense of urgency about the door.
Maybe the beginning should be just a little earlier. You could show Daelen arguing with himself over whether or not he should go through the door to check on his master, build a little tension between his knowledge that the door is forbidden, his fear of it, and his concern for Cyrus. Just a thought.
quote:
Daelen stood motionless in front of the forbidden door. He had made his decision [What decision? to enter it?] the night before but now in the [gloomy morning light<--One of these words should go. Gloom and light have two totally different connotations.] he hesitated. [To call it hesitation was a kindness, h<-- Cut. Anything that makes the reader think more about the storyteller than the story is bad. AND, it is much more poignant to just say: H]e was terrified. [Decisions are made easily from the comfort and safety of one's bed, but in the light of day, even gloomy morning light, action was required.<--Cut. Noted in the previous part about noticing the storyteller. The caveat is that the narrator is a character him/herself.] He lifted his leg but put it back down without advancing. Perhaps some magical ward prevented him from [approaching.<--Why would he need to approach? In the first sentence he's "motionless in front of the door".] {He might wish that to be true, but it wasn't.<--[The long way of saying: He knew that wasn't true.] If the door had been warded, his master wouldn't [have made such a point of<--Suggest replacing this with a simpler:need to] forbid[ding<--Cut. him [to enter it<--Cut.].He [only] knew [nothing about what was behind the door, only<--Cut] that [his master<--Naming him "Master So-and-So" might make this less redundant.] spent most of his time behind it[, doing whatever it was that magicians did<--Cut. Redundant]. It had been three days since he had seen
You have established a sense of "something's going to happen," though not strong enough to be a real hook (for me) yet.
It seems like this might be an early draft. It needs editing. I follow Brandon Sanderson's tweets and he has been updating fans for months on how much "fat" he's trimming from each chapter of the next Wheel of Time book. I've seen as much a 40% of a chapter! So, you might want to keep that in mind when editing yours.
I'm coming out of a writing hiatus (forced), so, I hope you don't mind that I play with your paragraph below:
quote:
Daelen stood in front of the thick, iron-banded oaken door feeling his heart thrash about in his chest. Forbidden or no, he decided last night he was going to enter it, to defy Master Cyrus. That terrified him. He barely had his first beard, and Master Cyrus could melt armor with a glare. As if the stone archway were warded with a spell that sucked all courage away, he tried--and failed--to lift his hand and push the door open. His arm just hung and quivered.What did Master Cyrus do in there for so many hours? Were there dark creations bubbling behind that door? Things so horrific they could not be viewed by mere mortals?
*edited to use the correct master's name, once I found it.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 26, 2010).]